At What Price, Revenge?

I am reading about Saddam Hussein's impending hanging this morning. Certainly the Iraqi's have the right to be angry at the dictator. But don't take my words to be in support of the man.... just hear me out and think about this:

A leader in a mosque prayed today to "Have God take Revenge on Saddam". Revenge. But at what cost? The cost of a human life. We, the alleged humane ones, have taken the role of executing a man in the name of human rights. Where is the humanity in that? But I ask you: is torture better? Is brainwashing him better? Hard labor, scrubbing toilets? Locking him up in solitary confinement and piping religious commentary?

To be truthful, I don't know the answer. But I do know that this morning I read about the execution and became uncomfortable. It doesn't seem like we should let him go free... but at the same time, what right do we have to end someone, no matter what he did?

Diamond Encrusted Dog Poop

Content deleted by author (because I frankly don't care).

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Speaking of that, I really admire my twin sister, Jayleigh for being so strong. She's such a great influence on others, and is really making a difference. I don't like how it feels like she's in such a great place and says things to me like "I'm sure glad I don't have to be single right now!"

In fact, why the hell would anyone make a comment like that? because it's fun. It's hard and I would have stayed with Nelson or M.W. if I really felt the way. I did not choose to be single. Why would someone choose to be single? I'm sure there are guys and even a few gals out there who don't want to be tied down. But by and large, as folks mature they want what is known as the typical "American Dream".

Othello and I want that together. We are so excited about it. And about leaving past disappointments behind us and moving into a bright and beautiful future.

Record-tying Post: a.k.a. a Bad '80s Film

Just because I noticed that my 140th post was the previous.... and that I had 141 last year... I thought I'd post a little brag and say "wow, now I've tied my record from last year"....

It's difficult sometimes, to post in a manner that does not offend friends, alienate those who think you're too narcissistic but read you anyways. I'll admit it: My posts are about as shallow as a bad '80s film.

Happiest Girl in the World???

What a Holiday Season! Othello finally finished his Japanese class and started talking with me again. I fretted so much because he doesn't multi-task and end up at the bottom of the totem pole.... so then it came to me that he didn't really care but that wasn't true.

On his last Day of class, O came over to my house, handed me a card entitled "To my Amazing Girlfriend". Inside he said things like "Thanks for being patient through all of the hassles and inconveniences, and still giving us a chance to get through this. I love you and am here for you".

As if that wasn't enough... we took off and went to Tahoe to snowboard (I was learning) and gamble and eat for the week. O's entire goal for the week was to reconnect and be as romantic as possible. Spending so much time together, it occurred to me that he's just a guy and will still watch as much TV and especially cartoons, as humanly possible. Hehe.

So we came home Thursday last week and then went out with his folks on Christmas Eve. They really are lovely people, and we took pictures together and ate. O begged me to stay awake until midnight, so we could open presents. :-)

I knew he would come undone when he saw his gift - an embroidered black belt (karate) with his name in Kanji. Didn't realize that he was such a wonderful person when it came to my gifts: guitar lessons, a new backpack for school, and a beautiful brocade jacket (which he bough the day after I tried it on the first time and proclaimed that it was too expensive!).

On Christmas Day, we went snowboarding again. After I fell a million times and we were standing at the bottom of the hill (he is patient like a saint), he told me that he's ready for a family. After talking about it for a couple of days, we really decided that we're ready to get married, move in, have babies, etc. That was the best Christmas gift EVER.

Now it's time for us to get our fat a$$es in shape and get ready to be a momma and a poppa. Ack. I just said that.

"Even if that's all You were meant to do in this relationship..."

Oh Please, Mom!

I couldn't believe it the other day when I told her how proud I am of Othello going to see his folks every weekend since we've been dating. She said something like "Even if that's all that this relationship was meant to be..." or "Even if that's all you were meant to do in this relationship, it would have been worth it just to get Othello to see his parents every week."

Need I say more? Really. My relationship with Othello continues to grow in ways I've never expected, and my mom already put it on the burnin' pile! She did the same thing with M.W.... and that's why I'm concerned - not that she doesn't like O, but that she sees something that is going to sabotage our relationship in the near future, and she doesn't tell me yet.

My eyes are rolling all the way from here to Timbuktu.

It Was So Ugly.... and I'm Not Supposed to Care....

So why do I write?

M.W.'s fiancee picked out the ugliest ring on planet earth. He felt the necessity to share it with me. (pictures to follow another day) HELL ON EARTH, WHY???? Frankly, as friends go, I think he's making bad decisions while continues to get over what he thought he had with me. Well not me exactly, but the idealized "what I want" that he was finally starting to figure out.

While I could go on for hours analyzing his actions and tell you what I think are mistakes... I'll save all of us from that. Instead suffice it to say that I feel trapped because he keeps sharing the minutest details of his life and the only way to stop it is to break up with him again! (dump his friendship, which is a lot harder to do).

The big problem is that he was my work mentor. So if I truly alienate him to the point where he leaves me alone... I'll be losing a valuable resource. But at the same time... if I never have to look at one of his ugly rings again (Bitch Sally's ring looked like a monkey pooped it out and then dipped it in ugly-syrup), it'll be too soon.

Alas, I complete my thoughts and gather myself, realizing that unless I do just make the final break, I'll never be free.

-Dot, perplexed.

He Turns 21 Tonight...

Pellegrino and I dated in high school. For reasons still not clear to me, we fell out of favor with eachother (after two years of dating). Looking back, I think it was because he was too busy working, or something like that. And that's when I met Nelson, dumped Pell and the rest, as they say, was history. Years later, Jayleigh met Pellegrino's baby son, who was named "Joey"... my nickname.

Yes, I've always felt the regret... knew that Pell was as confused as me. But then, we make our choices, move forward, and go on with our lives. So why did I have a lengthy dream about Pellegrino last night? Why did we talk about it, what went wrong, and how to avoid those mistakes in the future? I kept saying "the key is communication... we didn't talk to one-another and needed to do that, to be brutally honest"...

My thought is that I stopped running, finally. Stopped running from the past, from my exes, and from my own brain. So Pell and I sat on a bench, in a park, with snow all around (even though it was really hot outside), chatting about what went wrong, what went right, that while we could never go back... we can certainly move forward and not make those same mistakes again.

After I woke up, I called Othello and told him about my dream. He laughed that I was really scraping the bottom of the barrel, going back to the high-school boyfriends and working out the problems in my dreams. But the fact is, after almost 20 years, I'm dealing with issues that have been hiding out, that I run from.

As Pellegrino was standing up to walk out of my dreams, he said "I'm turning 21 tonight... I'm turning 21 tonight, Dorothy, I'm turning 21 TONIGHT"

How odd.

The Christmas Rains

The weather changed yesterday. The rains are constant, lingering, colder, the winds blow. And I'm snuggled up inside in my jammies on the couch, typing and listinging to Vince Guaraldi tickle the ivories and my heart go back to childhood Christmases.

I recall years where my mom would say she was really not "in a Christmas mood"... and those were the years when we didn't pull out the decorations and the music early, listen to it often, and make merry.

My point is what you get what you expect. I'm not talking about outrageous expectations... but if you expect happiness, you naturally lead your life in that direction. And if you expect badness, your life will be steered toward it.

Me? I like a happy holiday. Warm, snuggly, cuddly and peaceful.

The Changing Meaning of Words, Part 1

Since when did "Do you want to..." mean "Would you please do..."? Othello is such a gentle soul, and it makes me laugh when he asks me to do something. Anything from moving the trashcans to hanging up my coat... He asks "Do you want to move those trash cans for me?" and I'm thinking "Not really... it's cold outside and I'm not wearing any gloves." He'll say "Would you like to pick up your coat?" and my reaction is "Not really... I'm rather enjoying my tenure here on the sofa and it just warmed up to my butt temperature... "

In every situation, he asks if I would like... this or did I want to... that. A less sensitive woman might just go ahead and think he was really curious as to her likes and dislikes. Translating this to it's most obvious and ridiculous end (much like my favorite author, Kurt Vonnegut, might)... In the bedroom... would it be something like "Would you like me to {fill in the blank} to you?" and "Do you want to {use your imagination} on me?"

Haha! That's really funny :-) Othello. Wow, I'm spent.

On Telling Him that He Messed Up

My shock continues...

O and I had a discussion over the weekend: I thought he was wrong and feared telling him because I didn't want to fight. He asked me to please always share my thoughts and feelings with him. He hurt my feelings and wanted me to tell him when I thought he was wrong.

It's hard to get past old habits like never talking about bad things... never stirring up the waters. O lets me know in untold ways that he wants to further our communication. Sigh. It's good.

It all Blended together

Jayleigh mentioned synesthesia to me the other day... it's like when all of your senses mingle together and you can "taste" a colour, smell a number, etc. Some people have this condition, and I can appreciate its uniqueness. Today I opened a book of short stories and "Synesthesia" was the title of it. A woman was remembering her late husband (by the same name as my Othello) and talking about an "Othello" rose that she planted in remembrance of him.

Over the Thanksgiving weekend, I started thinking what would happen to me if anything bad ever happened to my Othello. My world is wrapped up in the plans we are making together. As we continue to learn about eachother, likes and dislikes, personality quirks and the like... we fall deeply in love.

Watching the new Hugh Jackman movie called "The Fountain"... I sympathized deeply with the character Tommy who was losing Izzy, his wife. He went to the ends of the earth and beyond, to "save" her. It spoke so deeply to the place in my heart that has found a mate in Othello. The bonding, the love, the partnership....

Sometimes Othello says I tell him "I love you" too often. He doesn't realize that my heart is so happy and full since he has been in my life, that it just pops out automatically! Because I do love him, in fact, I care more about him and this relationship than I have ever cared about another man. While some may think it is easy to say that... this is a deeper, more complete relationship than has ever been experienced in my life.

When my love overflows and comes out of my eyes in the form of tears... when the words form a lump in my throat because they come out so strong, so fast, so often... as a hug turns into an aching heart because I love "us" so much that it hurts... I am grateful, thankful, and glad to be with my Othello.

An Open Apology to Sally the Bitch

For what it's worth: I'm sorry. Not for what you think I'm sorry for... but I'm sorry nonetheless.

Sally, you were a total wretch to me for reasons that you thought were mine. I see now that it appeared that when M.W. divorced you and started dating me, you thought it was because of something I did. Let me assure you, dame, that is not in my repertoire. But I see how it could look that way, so I'm sorry that it looked that way.

As a woman, something I never want to do, is to ever mess with another woman's man. But now it appears that twice in my life, someone thought that's what I was doing. "Once is an accident, twice is a pattern"... and so I apologize to Kay as well... even though I didn't do anything to threaten her.

Anyone stumbling upon my blog today might wonder what in hell I'm talking about. Its basically that bitchy women don't like that I'm nice to their husbands in the work place, in a professional manner. I work with only men and can't help that. And one of those men was M.W. who I dated after his divorce (not before). At any rate... at no time did I act inappropriately. Yet I garnered the wrath and hatred of all of her friends, and some of his.

The point? I realize today that although my relationship with M.W. was on the up and up... I'm feeling as though I want to apologize to Sally. Since she is a wretch and a bitch in the truest senses of the words.... I will do so here and leave it at that (seriously, even her kids think she's an antisocial c-bag!).

Thank you and good day!

Dot.

The Times, they Are A-Changin'

Keb' Mo' has put a new twist on the old Dylan song... give it a listen if you can find it (iTunes, perhaps?)

Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone.
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'.

Come writers and critics
Who prophesize with your pen
And keep your eyes wide
The chance won't come again
And don't speak too soon
For the wheel's still in spin
And there's no tellin' who
That it's namin'.
For the loser now
Will be later to win
For the times they are a-changin'.

Come senators, congressmen
Please heed the call
Don't stand in the doorway
Don't block up the hall
For he that gets hurt
Will be he who has stalled
There's a battle outside
And it is ragin'.
It'll soon shake your windows
And rattle your walls
For the times they are a-changin'.

Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don't criticize
What you can't understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is
Rapidly agin'.
Please get out of the new one
If you can't lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin'.

The line it is drawn
The curse it is cast
The slow one now
Will later be fast
As the present now
Will later be past
The order is
Rapidly fadin'.
And the first one now
Will later be last
For the times they are a-changin'

That song reminds me of some of Proverbs in the Bible. Like "Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth" and so on.

Funny how my times changed over the last Quarter-year. From being alone and drinking too much, to finding a deep, serious love, a committed partner and a future husband. I seriously cried myself to sleep many nights, not thinking that anyone would or could ever love me.

My views of the world and of relationships are incredibly short-sighted, and I'm not exactly sure how to step back and make sure that this time I know what I'm doing. Guess it's a good thing that I can actually see and note that fear exists in my life?

Living "on the edge" is not as fun as it used to be. I'd like to settle down, finish school, and live a life of happiness and babies with my partner, my lover, my soulmate.

Everybody Needs a Little Respect

Jayleigh asked me the other day "How do you feel about Othello?" Plain and simple, I said "I love him." Then J lamented how I never said that about M.W.... only that "I respect him" and she thought it was droll and boring and stupid of me.

Even though M.W. was actually not my love of a lifetime... it's important for everone to have a love that they respect. Now, while I do respect Othello.... I love him just as much and want to be his partner and want him to be mine. It's not all about respect. We're friends. We're in love. Hearts and flowers and motor-scooters everywhere!

So while Jayleigh is relieved that I don't characterize my current relationship as mainly "respect-driven".... everybody needs respect. I didn't respect Nelson whatsoever. We need to have respect for our loved ones or ... shit, we got nothin'!

A "Spiritual 911"?

The incident of the pastor of the new life church in Colorado is admitting his guilt in the sex-meth scandal over the past week. In my mind, this is hyprocracy at its very worst.

Now don't got and get angry with me: I'm not suggesting that he has to be perfect. However it's important to recognize that being a Human is an incredibly weak place to start... that we need to do the best we can, but ask for help when we can't.

I hate that lots of people are saying that this pastor was the center of the church. Their faith should be placed in Jesus, and not in a single, weak, human being. Likewise they should not lose faith in God for the actions of this weak man.... instead they should use the opportunity to be honest about their own shortcomings... and to be more tolerant, understanding, and most of all, helpful to those whose shortcomings can damage themselves and others.

---

On another note... it's still very fun, settling into the relationship with Othello. He is truly someone that I have opened my heart to... It's really nice.

400 Posts! Or, This Girl, That Guy

Wow, In just under three years, I have my 400th episode. Were there banners and tickertape? NO.... Did anyone bake a cake? Nada. But How cathartic hath my 400 episodes been?

I started writing the day I separated from my ex. Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't even cry sometimes. So there was that heartbreak.... rebuilding my life, my love, a new relationship with trials of its own, to the end of my first adult love. There have been trips, prayers, and dating woes. Successes in business, a few failures, and lot's of "Thanks for the Duckies".... My life went from crap, up and down a huge roller-coaster to content. From sad to happy. From nuthin' to somethin'. Thanks to all who have read me... for your comments and questions. Thanks for caring about a girl you've never met. Advice, thoughts, prayers, etc.

___

Othello is the guy whose friends are all girls. Dorothy is the girl whose friends are all guys. Funny, right? That Othello and I are such good friends.... that we are eachother's co-equal. Sigh. He's that guy. He's THAT guy!

I Will Follow You

Settling in. Following his lead. Falling asleep in his arms. Feeling comfortable. Gaining confidence. Falling deeper in love every day.

At the start, Othello said he wanted to put off any and all "serious" talk/actions for 90 days. He says he's shootin' from the hip, but his innate sensibility is hard to deny - that man's got me wrapped around his pinky. About 45 days into us... we both agreed that our future is a foregone conclusion and naturally assumed that "we" will become "us" sometime next year. It was 90 days this Tuesday last... and I couldn't be more satisfied...

Both of us are the kind of people who really get into the serious partnership/relationship/thing. I find that my hair-trigger of non-trust is starting to get more exercise, the more I make myself vulnerable to him. He is measured, strong, stoic at times... and still fun. How can that be? (grin)

So I have been praying for Othello nearly constantly. He does not know Jesus and it's by far my biggest concern about him. Of course he also has to have a loving and kind heart, and totally love me before anything else transpires.... which is the case. We've talked about how to raise our children, how many, and when. My future is staring me in the face.

Oh, is it ever! Dorothy Jean "Not In Kansas" Gale is in love with Othello "43" Snowboarder and she has no plans on stopping!

Eggs

There are ups and downs in my life, as in every life. However Othello is sharing with me a zen-like quality that is surreal. Life is in flux. Every one experiences it. But for whatever reason, the changes come and go, they wash over me, they are but passing seasons.

I am content with the flux.

I am one with the flux.

Flux in = flux out.

It wasn't too very long ago when I proclaimed myself to be unloved, unloveable. I wanted to scream when everything wasn't going right. Now I seem to be the sane one, the one whose advice is sought-after, and who is a calming influence on others.

Someone called me the "cog".... (okay, technically they called me the cog in the hatin' maschine) that holds everyone else together. Just call me Mr. Cogswell:

What they meant was that I'm the glue that holds together, the ties that bind, the amplifer that amplifies hard work, good will, love... and yes, hate. (In my office, "hate" is a general term that we throw around like "you're hatin' me" instead of "you're picking on me" and the like... it's a good-natured kind of jibing). I like amplifier.

So what does all this have to do with Eggs? I got to thinking how much I like eggs, because at the end of the day, in the carton or out, fridge or store, table or grocery sack.... it's still an egg. In its shell, being an egg. When you go to mix it up and make it into something wonderful.... it's just something wonderful, not eggs plus something (duh, except for an omelette which is, only eggs plus cheese). I'm thinking like chocolate cake. You won't say "Mmmmm, lemme have some cocoa powder, a few spoons of flour, salt and some raw eggs...." You'd say "let's make cake". And admit it: everyone likes cake.

So I'm an egg, and we're (the biblical "We're") the cake.

Peace out,

Dorothy

His Mom...

Othello and I were driving by his folks neighborhood on Sunday. He said "Oh, we could go by and see my mom and dad"... I encouraged this, as family is Oh-so-important to me.

She gave him a huge hug and said "I love you... what's your name again?"... the moved on to me, gave me a huge hug and said "Oh, I love you too!"

That woman... wants grandbabies. I love her too. She looks just like her son... sigh.

Dot.

Claddagh

The Celtic Claddagh symbol is pictured here:

It symbolizes Friendship, Love and Loyalty (Hands, Heart and Crown). Those are the key things which my relationship with Othello is based around. It is so important, and although there've been so many mistakes in the past... I simply won't blow this one.

Last week it was a shock when O freaked out when his former girlfriend logged on IM (while I was on the computer) and he logged out so quick my head was spinning. How suspicious! Then this past weekend, she called his house. When asked who it was... he lied to me. He fessed up 1 minute later... but it was already too late. Broken trust by someone whose first instinct is to lie to me.

With all of the other problems in life... why lie? I learned early not to lie. It is far more preferable to take the consequences as they come, than to lie to save your own a$$, then worry until the end of time, about the outcome.

Anyways, it turned out that I won't stand for liars and especially for emotionally straying boyfriends who don't see anything wrong with carrying on with their old emotionally unstable girlfriends because they "need emotional support". So I stood up for myself and women everywhere and kindly asked him to cease and desist contact with her. Then we argued about it for two whole days. He's a stubborn, stubborn man.

There is no resolution yet, except that he said I was forcing his hand... whatever that meant. He forced me to cease contact with someone who'd been a good friend back in the day. Oh well.

So it comes down to "is it worth a fight?". My thought is "no". Love the guy, he's with me now, why do I worry?

Peace.

Dot.

Everyone Wants a Sign once in a while

Okay, so I haven't been very good at posting lately. It seems that being busy with O is a lot more satisfying than venting on my blog.

Two things I keep forgetting to mention:

1) The day that I decided to date O, as I've said in the past, was a kind of bad day for me. It seems that everything bad was happening at once, and I just needed a friend. I called O and went over to his house. As I pulled in the driveway, the REO Speedwagon song was playing "I can't fight this feelin' anymore"...

2) We went for a walk in his neighborhood at midnight, and watched the full moon. Someone had a lisence plate that said "FERE NOT". Funny, eh?

So two signs for the price of one? Yeah.

Anyways my weekends have been so busy lately - today we went and got snow pants for snowboarding. As soon as I learn, I'll take a picture to prove it!

Peace out, Danger Mouse!

--Dot.

Sure I Understand... but where does that leave me now?

The weekend was a roller-coaster. It was good, it was a little bad, and I'm thoroughly confused at where to go from here.

Othello took me to meet his folks. They were very nice, quiet, and polite. He was concerned that his dad would "oogle" my body, so he suggested that I wear a blazer. It was fine, but we virtually had to "have words" before he explained that he just didn't feel close to his father and didn't trust him to not make a fool out of himself in front of me.

It was also nice getting to know his friend Holland - someone whom he dated, but did not have any sparks with... they are essentially best friends, and she's a riot, as are her friends. And they like me (yay!).

On Sunday, we went to the Bay Area for a concert. I've always heard the best way to get to know someone is to travel with them. He's fine to travel with, but Othello had, what I can only refer to as an "explosion" when we were readying to leave the concert.

Someone prevented us from joining a line to get free stuff. He proceeded to flip them off, curse at them, and generally go off like a 12 year-old. Impressive? Not so much. I can't figure out if he was trying to "protect his woman" or if he's really a stark-raving-lunatic?

-- okay, coming back to this post over a week later...
I hated that antisocial behavior, but at the same time, what can I do about it? Watch and observe. A few things over the past several days have irked me. But the difference between O and everyone else? I can talk with him. He can talk with me.

We've each confronted eachother about separate things over the past few days, and our communication lines are wide open. Othello is on notice regarding his behavior at the concert... but what else can I do to figure it out?

I'm SO Loving Judy Garland....

Have YOU Ever Tried It?

Pilates my friend. Pilates on the Reformer maschine.

Every.muscle.in.my.body, I feel them. Not unlike menstrual cramps, the ones in my belly. I'm informed that I'll be a lean, mean girly-maschine when I get to the advanced classes.

Hot Damn.

Anyways, it was Othello's idea for us to join this class at our gym (yes, the same gym for which we had to sign a waiver that we were legally married and responsible for eachother's financial issues).

We're going to see Gnarls Barkley (ala Crazy) in Golden Gate Park this weekend. Plus I'm meeting the folks. Yes, his folks. Othello told me that it's not a big deal, me meeting his parental units. But I beg to differ....

Peace.

Dot.

Slip of the Tongue...

Good weekend. Othello and I have gotten into the habit of falling asleep at eachother's houses. It's totally chaste, but reeks of seriousness in a way that can't even be put into words. We're committed to getting to know one another, to letting our feelings develop for real.

He is a man that I am proud to say I've fallen in love with. And yet over the weekend, we continued to bite our tongues rather than admit that fact. Whether it was being burned one too many times, or just good old fashioned common sense and not wanting to say it without the return sentiments, we were both stubborn to the extreme.

On Saturday, he picked me up for lunch and we ate, then ran errands. While I finished up my shift on the duty desk, Othello went over and chatted with his mom, let her know he was dating me, it was "serious" and so on....

*visitor alert* the Chinese consolate is in the building and taking my picture as I sit here and type!
*visitor alert*

We skirted around the L-word issue all day... until later in the evening when there was a Freudian slip. He said "blah blah blah... that's why I married you.. blah blah ohmigod that's why I'm dating you..." (He married me? I know that's what I heard). Then I gave him this look - a look that Jayleigh used to give Rob back when they were first married. A look that, if observed by spectators, would make everyone want to leave the room and go take a shower! He said "what's that look mean?" As though he knew that I was thinking to myself "I love you I love you I love you I love you!"

I casually leaned over and whispered "If you don't know, then I'm not gonna tell you" He blushed and said "Oh, I know".... It wasn't until about 5 hours later when he stubbornly asked if I was going to force him to say it.... "IT?" I asked...

"That I'm falling in love with you"
I said "Oh, I'm already in love with you... in fact, Othello, I love you"
"Oh Dorothy, I love you so much!"

On Sunday I brought over the makings for banana pancakes, and while I was making them in Othello's tiny 1930s kitchen, sang the Jack Johnson song "Banana Pancakes" . As we headed out for coffee a while later (for me, he drinks cocoa only), I said "I can't believe I married a guy as stubborn as myself"... Oh god... "I can't believe I'm dating a guy as ..." He broke in "I heard you the first time, Dot, and I liked it. Sounds good... sounds right."

Oh.my.goodness. So is it totally weird that we were talking about how big my dad's hands are, and then he asked me my ring size? Was it a weird coincidence?Is this really happening? I'm really in love with a nice, honest, hard-working, smart, talented, interesting, cute, loving man! Othello.... Othello.... what are you thinking of? Swoon

Peace.

Dot.

Sleepless in DC....

My trip to Baltimore was awesome. It was great to see Francine again, and to meet her husband again, and sister-in-law. Her hubby lost 140 lbs since the last time we met. It was quite awesome, all the hard work he's put into himself.

Tropical Starm Ernesto, a power outage, Chinatown, the National Zoo, Annapolis, shopping with my best friend, midshipmen, and the National Art Gallery (Can you say Dutch Painters?).... They live right on Chesapeake Bay. It was semi-nirvana.

Othello called every night to "tuck" me in. The farther I got from him, the sharper my feelings came into focus. We've been spending tons of time together and upon my return, he gave me a rose (albeit with an apology "Sorry these weren't your favorite flower - I forgot what it is... what is it? I won't forget next time").

Last night, I was hopped out on allergy medication. Sacramento is the allergy armpit of the state. Three times I stopped myself from saying "I love you"... I do. But I still stopped myself from saying it because he claims he's "not really sure if he knows how to love"...

Anyways.... come Alicia Keys... bring it on home....!

--Dot. (falling in and out of love with Othello)

Twenty Days a-falling... a-falling "with intent" with you.....

Not YOU you... More like Othello-you. I'm not exactly sure how to describe these days of mine... but it's not love and not lust. After some long talks over the weekend, we discovered that we like eachother "with intent". Intent means that we're lookin' at a future, want the same things, and we intend to achieve them together, if at all possible.

Wait, let's back up.... our weekend was wonderful. He had a key made for me so that I can come over and do my laundry when he's not there. He shares nicely, buys dinner for me, thanks me for cooking for him, and... Othello-man made out with me like a high-schooler at the Train concert at the Greek Theatre in Berkley on Saturday evening. We kissed for 3 hours and the look on his face was "I'm fallin' for ya, girl!"

I can feel that my heart hasn't fallen, although everything else has. It's not just common goals that sets us apart. It's the fact that even when we know it's going to take a lot of changing and growing if we're going to stay together forever...

This one, this Othello (every time I write his name, I say his real name with stars and hearts in my mind)... is a keeper.

--Dot.

Thirty Pieces of Flair

This weekend gave several too many references to the movie "office space". So here's my 30 pieces of flair. Number 8 is my favorite so far... 15 is pretty good.

1. Othello and I spent all day each day, all weekend together. In fact, I can't remember if there's been a day we haven't seen eachother since the day he affectionatly refers to as "the day you came back to me".
2. We both made the accidental "I love you" slip. Mine when I meant to say "I love when you say my name" and his when he meant to say "I love that you enjoy plaing video games." But they both came out as "I love you" and then we each acted embarassed, recanted, and said "you know what I meant" and then re-said what was intended.
3. Somewhere between him taking me shopping for a new cell phone and when he offered to take me for the grocery store, I decided he was a keeper.
4. Somewhere between Sushi and SG-1's 200th episode, Othello mentioned that he took his profile off of the dating website where we met.
5. Somewhere between SG-1's 200th episode and ice-cream pie, he looked deep into my eyes, and asked if I would do the same.
6. After a lengthy discussion on my part about why we shouldn't be exclusive... I realized that the only reason to fight about it was that this little Dorothy is still terrified of another bad "serious" boyfriend, or even worse, another bad husband.
7. Around midnight, I realized I was being silly and drifted to sleep on his sofa (alone).
8. Sometime after 1:00 am, I awoke to see a t-shirt next to me - one that I could choose to change into, should I wake before dawn. Didn't read it, but the next morning as Othello made juice and toast for me (to my chagrin, as I hate how that may have looked), it was pointed out that the t-shirt logo says "Frequent Masterbator". ROTFLMAO. Seriously.
9. CHANGE OF TOPICS (continuing the post a day later)- I'm headed to see a Train Concert this weekend with O. We're spending the Day is SF first. Sigh.
10. Next weekend, I'm going to spend the whole thing with my bestest friend from college, Francine, and her husband and folks.
11. There is a funny poster I saw at the post office on Monday. It was called "Wonders of America: Land of Superlatives". Don't you now wonder what a superlative is? Look it up: superlative.
12. I had a dinner party last night with Othello, my friend/coworker JB, and the upstairs neighbor, Destiny. They all liked O. They all liked my bbq'd chicken, homemade salad dressing, homemade croutons, baked potatoes, and bottles of wine.
13. My dinner party last night was the stuff of ledgends. If we were Klingons, they would make an epic poem, a song if you will, and remember the night for generations to come!
14. We watched a movie called Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. I don't recommend it if you're sensitive to handgun violence. Given my past history with Nelson's gun-waving in my face. I'm sure it's a relic of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
15. (It's more difficult to come up with 30 pieces of flair than I thought). Homemade Tiramisu. Nuff said.
16. It's nice to be thinking about my babies again. At dinner a few nights ago, Othello asked why there are blocky letters that say "OZ" on my table. Those are the first initials of my gonna-be babies.
17. It's also nice to have the freedom of thinking that I'll be able to get married again. M.W. became opposed first to having babies, then to getting married, that I would cry every time I passed a bridal boutique. Now, in my head, I'm revisiting what a wedding would look like in this day and age.
18. It's hard to say you're in love again, when you want to be certain.
19. Yesterday was my boss's birthday and I knew it but didn't mention it. I'm going to say something shortly.
20. Othello has a really nice first name and it's fun to say. It makes me happy and I want to use it here.
21. Jayleigh is the quintessential pastor's wife. Rob is the bomb as a pastor. I'm so proud of them both.
22. I'm not certain if Othello is religious at all. Something in me is afraid to ask. Something else in me is afraid to know. And I want it to work out so much, not sure if wild horses would be successful in tearing me away at this point.
23. Working is over-rated. Productivity is essential, but difficult when you're in a tall cubicle and people aren't quiet when they're talking, because they can't see you.
24. I want saloon doors for my cubicle. And one of those green see-thru visors. And two water-pistols on a hip holser.
25. When I have a bad day, I want to challenge my coworkers to a duel.
26. Othello does for a living, what I was going to school for, when I lived in Oklahoma. He looked at my work project and said he could do that in a week (we've been working on it for over a year).
27. I'm challenged by certain parts of my work, and fear that if I'm not successful, it will be difficult to have self-respect.
28. All of the comments from my loyal readers are wonderful. I'm a bad blog-friend and try to read others' postings.
29. M.W. called yesterday and said I was self-absorbed. He's right and I know it. I'm a bad real-friend too.
30. Choo-Choo Charlie (engaged to the Russian Bride) called me last night at 2 AM. He broke up with her, wanted to see me, was happy for me when I told him about Othello, and was somehow tangled up with the Russian Mafia a few weeks ago. Bleh. THANK GOD FOR UNANSWERED PRAYERS!

- Dot.

Board Games @ Midnight...

It didnt' happen at all like I thought it would:

• Bravo stopped calling; I got sick of it
• I called Othello; he invited me over for a moonlit walk
• Bravo begged me for another chance; I said I'd wait for him till he was better
• He still calls only intermittantly; went out for drinks with another woman and said he was too drunk to call me the other night
• Meanwhile Othello called every day when I was sick; brought DVDs, CDs, juice, 7-up and chicken soup over after work every night
• I've seen Othello every day for a week.

So that's the end of Charlie Bravo and the beginning of Othello. O is incredibly communicative and the more time we spend together, the more I like him.

Let's see where this one leads?

Time Machine

Dedadedadedadedade (think of the noise they made in Wayne's World)
We are now entering the way back maschine to This Tuesday Last.... on the second date of Dorothy and Bravo:

Sitting on Dorothy's chaise lounge, Bravo was stroking Dot's leg with his foot. She thought it was so sensual, and then Bravo said "This is the most sensual moment this far in my life..." Dorothy was feeling significant when she asked if he could do anything at that moment... what would it be? (she was hoping for a kiss - they had not shared one yet).

Bravo said "I would stop time and enjoy this moment for a lifetime"....

Sigh.

Dedadedadedadedade ....
Back to present.

Sigh.

Laid to Waste

This morning was the last place I was looking for spiritual guidance. Actually I never even think of it at work.... And Elf comes in, asks me about my recent dating life (I felt so tossed and turned dating three at once)....

Then he shared this with me:

Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.

It laid my soul to waste.... God? I got nothin'.

I haven't been able to discern why Bravo is the guy who spoke to my heart and soul - barely even have feelings for the guy, let alone love.... He's different than anyone I've ever known.

Little by little, I feel the stones falling from my wall. He doesn't scare me. Bravo is non-threatening. In many ways, he's a lot like me - strong work ethic, gives himself a hard time for not doing the right things.... His own worst critic.

I might understand him. He might understand me. Nice.

And it seems that the more I let go and let God... the better support I have here at the office, and in life. (Thanks Jesus, for Duckies).

--Dot.

Conservation and Conservatives do not a Romantic Evening Make

Charlie Bravo is a conservative. His exact words to me last night, while we were grilling giant hunks of red meat in my back yard, was "George W. Bush is, like, the best president we've had since Ronald Regan." Also the words "We should Bomb Iran" were heard.

I am a semi-conservative tree hugger. You can bet that this didn't roll well with me. Romantic evening. Wine. Meat. Okay, some salad too (avocadoes, red onion, bacon, strawberries, baby spinach, mustard-balsamic vinaigrette)... and Mister Conservative Right Wing Bravo at my side.

Well at what point does one say "I don't really care about politics" and "Shut up and kiss me"? Yeah, alright, we got there too... but there were some moments hanging in the balance where I wondered if I was going to send him home with his food wrapped in foil.

This morning I'm nursing a cold. Funny thing about that - Bravo had a cold last night.... Sigh. Butterflies, uncertainties, conservative politics... Lots to think about.

Dot.

A Long Story

It all started with three dates in three days with three different men.

Garbageman-boy is 6' 5" and works upstairs from me and we met online, but also ran into eachother in the market about 20 minutes later. Went out Thursday and Saturday of last week. Sweet, cute, called me a "gorgeous babe" and said I have "quaint feet" - size 8. His are (get this ladies) size 15! But he's largely unmotivated and his hands are exact duplicates of Nelson's and it disturbed me.

Charlie Bravo is a human version of the cartoon character Johnny Bravo. Seriously. Look at his picture:

See what I mean? :-) We went out Sunday and Tuesday. Unfortunately his car was broken in to and he lost all of his CDs. Fortunately, I have a wicked music collection and let him peruse it after dinner Saturday. Hmm.... he played footsies with me while both of us had our feet on the coffee table... it was so sweet, I just looked at him and we totally smooched! It was really nice. Then he bodily picked me up (me, seriously. As a tall German, big-boned and built for comfort, not speed, I'm not light) and carried me to the kitchen for another beer. (swoon).

Meanwhile, Othello and I had a date already planned for Monday. He was sweet and we had lots of things in common. But he was way forward, and I already wanted to see Bravo again anyways.

So Charlie Bravo it is! I took a few days of heart-breaking, but Bravo is coming over on Saturday after work and I'm cooking dinner for him.

--

On other fronts:

I miss my family so much.

Work is good, but I feel ineffectual since my program is stuck in testing until wildfire season is over.

School is an exciting prospect, but again, I'm nervous.

Gonna see that Al Gore movie soon. Can't get there when you're dating 1000 people at once. LOL

Peace, and have a nice weekend. I'm off to the Pumpkin Patch for a wedding this afternoon.

Dot.

The Russian Part II

What is it with me meeting men obsessed with Russia, lately? Well this guy is not obsessed. He is Russian.

We met online. Then ran into eachother - literally - at the farmer's market this past Wednesday. Being the uber-nerd that I am... never even occurred to me that I should speak to him. Went back inside and emailed him. He emailed me too! Haha...

Today we met for coffee. Sunday we are going for a bike ride. The new Russian is so much better. But... I'm unsettled: he looks like Nelson, my ex.

Inconveniently.... the Truth

I can't begin to tell you how much I don't care for Al Gore. Anyone who knows me, knows this. But as an atmospheric scientist charged by the State of California to become an "expert" in Global Climate Change.... I'm gonna go see the movie this weekend.

One thing I don't like about politicians is that they overstate things to the point where scientists do not want to support them because it's just plain bad science! Even if the science WAS good, bureaucrats (sp?) have the tendancy to bend and flex and mould the truth to their own agenda.

That's not to say that Al Gore's movie is good or bad or indifferent. In fact, I'm going to see it first hand. One of my most trusted mentors, who also happens to be M.W. (see girls, what happens when you date people in your field of expertise? The former love of your life still remains your mentor. Bleh. I feel like Alannis Morrissette all of a sudden!) though.... a barn-burning tree hugger (you know what I mean. He's a tree hugging tree hugger!) thought that the movie was overstated. That's a HUGE admission from M.W. ... Because he never admits anything ....

Anyways. Recycle your paper and plastics. Reduce your post-consumer waste. Re-use your little plastic butter dishes for cat-food. And most of all... try to stop using your Aussie Sprunch Spray in a can.

(Dorothy discreetly tucks her can of said spray under her arm and confidently, if not guiltily walks out of the room).

Dot.

I'm actually starting to bore mysef...

Yes, by incessantly going on in my own self-absorbed ways, I'm now bored. My blog was started as a rant when I didn't have anyone to rant to. It is who I've turned to in times of crisis, sadness, elation, and yes, boredom. But this, like life, makes me wonder what is it's purpose?

What is it here for? Well bluntly, whatever I want it to be. What am I here for? An entirely different notion....

I remember back in college, my prof told me never to bother going to grad school - I would just be wasting everyone's time. Now my work is paying me to go back to school, get a PhD and they're all rootin' for me to save the planet from ourselves.

Someone I work with, the King, is so militant about recycling, he gets royally (pun) peeved when people don't recycle their desk-calendar pages, sticky notes, and even used paper coffee cups. It was quite clever that, when we were talking about another coworker, Elf, trying for another bambino with his wife, the King asked how many kids I wanted. My answer? The ultimate in recycling: adoption.

If I'm not married in two years, if there are no prospects, I'm going to adopt anyways, I think.

New Vulnerability, New Hopes

So the Pilot is spending the weekend with his folks - as he usually does. He's trying to catch some air and practice landing his bird; it's still "new" to him and will do no good if he can't land the darn thing! But I invited him over tonight for beers and appetizers on his way home. The pooch, Buhner, is going to be with, too... so it appears that I will be cooking!

In chatting with a neighbor last night, it was noted that I am quite vulnerable these days. Guess it's because I feel it necessary to open up my heart to possibilities, instead of living cold and hard and all alone....

So I'm not sure how to keep my hopes from getting huge and out of countrol. But they are there.... Pilot himself is jaded about dating - in fact on Friday night, he told me that he doesn't date! And I'm wondering where that leaves me?

Where does that lead me? Methinks I'll have to get off my little high-horse and let that boy know I like him.... Although I get the impression that it would not take too much more convincing for him to realize that if he courts a woman that makes him laugh, he would be setting himself up for a lifetime of happiness...

The Smitten Kitten...

Pilot is the best guy I've ever known. Like... in my Life. High moral standards, high level of integrity (on the level of my Papa Bear), and so. darn. funny. It's driving me nuts, waiting for him to ask me out. He is shy. He doesn't want to make a mistake. Pilot does not want to have any more heartaches. Neither does Dorothy.

Last night, I just decided that it would kill me if I went my whole life without going out with him, finding out if anything is there. Pilot is the guy. THE guy. No... no... I'm not in love. Not in lust. Not infatuated, even. But he checks all of the boxes: close to his family, hard working, nice, funny - oh so funny, passionate, caring, sensitive, deep, patient, kind, intelligent, driven, passionate - I repeat myself, chivalrous, strong, moral, ethical... and with a list like that... I'm not really concerned what he looks like! Although Pilot is cute and muscular, too.

And for a change... I'm almost paralyzed by telling how I feel. My Mom and Jayleigh keep telling me not to "screw it up"... not to date others if there's a chance with Pilot... not to be unkind or in any way, allow him to think that I'm not worth every second he spends with me. You know... they may be right...

You all know I've been on a lot of dates since M.W.... Like Choo-choo Charlie, who I was so infatuated by, for the longest time. When Pilot told me about his past heartaches a couple of nights ago, I wanted to share details about Charlie. The situation lended itself last night, and then Pilot said "You poor girl... you must have had a heartache so bad!"... Girls... wouldn't you offer yourself up to fall in love with a guy like that??

Okay let me repeat that I'm not any shade of in love or infatuation with Pilot. It's that beautiful, sweet, candy-like painful time where you're not sure... but you think it's entirely possible that you could fall in love again one day.

Yes yes... Dorothy is one Smitten Kitten. (yay God!)

Summer Vacation Never Looked So Good!

Waking up in the yellow room at my mom's house, filled with sun. The smell of coffee cooking on the stove each morning. Boys calling the house to chat. It was two weeks of bliss! Not boring adult bliss, but the teenager bliss, sans the hormones this time. Ah, happy.

The first week was filled with wedding festivities for my Aunt Laurel, who at the age of 44, was married for the first time. Then I helped Jayleigh with Vacation Bible School. One day at Bible School, the leader had a life-size prop of Jesus on the Cross, in the front, for everone to see. She then handed me a placard that said "SIN" on it... she hung it around my neck. To demonstrate how Jesus died for my sins, I was to take the placard off of my neck, and place it around the neck of our dying Jesus. It was almost too much to bear. I know she did it for the kids, but actively taking part in giving my sin to Jesus...

I didn't get why God would do that for us. The reasoning behind Grace and Mercy still elude me. Well it's because He loves us... but I don't get why He does. Not after the nasty things I pull from time to time. And I'm not even a bad egg.

Fearful of having an uncomfortable confrontation while I was home, going to Mackinac Island seemed a reasonable thing to do. I loved the thought of hanging out with Synoptic... perhaps gazing into eachother's eyes and ... no, no, I can't even say it. The second I no longer needed a man to save me... That was when I no longer looked at Synoptic like he could. He's a friend and that's it. (But you know in the hotel room, I kinda wanted him to kiss me. I just kept looking at him and the longer he stared at the ceiling and didn't profess his undying love, the more my respect and desire for him started to wane).

Upon returning Home to Mom and Dad's house, I was sad that I'd missed the weekend with them. See the following picture after dinner on Monday with dear Jayleigh:

I'm Not Mad Anymore

I, Dorothy am no longer mad about Nelson (my ex), not mad about Choo-choo Charlie, not mad about Synoptic never being my White Knight, nor M.W. being my dream-lover.

I'm not mad that hard work has made Dorothy a Dull Girl, nor that Jayleigh won't travel to see me, or even that she hurt my feelings a lot when we were little.

Neither am I mad that I spend much time alone, have a tiny apartment, am still in debt for college (that I finished 6 years ago), don't own my car yet, or am able to afford fancy dinners and gifts for those I do love.

There is a big difference between letting life happen to you, and choosing to live your life. In the fameous words of my friend, Jose: "Viva tu Vida!"

If I Could....

There is something I've been wanting to say. For a long time, actually. It's been marinating on my brain and just had to settle enough to let it come out on it's own...

Friends used to say that I walked on the edge. "On the Edge" of right and wrong? Guess so. More than once, I was compared to a roller coaster ride. A fun one, but a coaster, none-the-less. Those who knew me best were envious of my free-spirited lifestyle. Not that I was a wild-child, but that emotionally, I seemed freer than those around me. Not afraid of trying or doing anything.

One friend told me that when the ride was no longer fun, he would get off. But he also said that he didn't anticipate that happening for a long time. Well my dear Synoptic... you'll be happy to know that the ride is now over.

Don't get me wrong - I'm still fun. But it occurred to me that I have been using my relationships as jumping-off points, of my own foundation, taking all the beatings, taking all the batterings, while I flourished seemingly indepentant of it. My head almost aches, thinking of how different my relationships may have been.

Wow. Deep.

Not Sure... Not Sure At All....

What is life supposed to be about? Sometimes I walk with such purpose, and sometimes, I fall down. Am I on the right path? Do I have goodness in my heart? What could be done, in order to ensure that I'm helping the people that I ought to, in life?

Wow, it's been such an emotional couple of weeks, and now I don't have to work for a couple more. My brain needs a rest. Lots of hope for some good times at Home. Get to see Jayleigh, the folks and the rest of the fam. Spending a weekend at Mackinac Island with Synoptic, my very good friend of over 6 years. Biking, hiking, and carousing (as good as two wx-nerds can do).

How often does one have a few free days to examine life before a vacation? It's a strange feeling to not be going off at full speed tonight. No more alarms, no deadlines... just my thoughts and my plans.

Having no S.O. presents a bit of unsettlment in my life. I've always treated that feature as an anchor for my life. A place to stay and stick, and foundation to build. I'm starting to believe that a relationship is not a foundation, not a rock to jump up from... but that we have to have our own foundation, and the relationship is like a knot in a silk scarf - tug-o-war will harm it, you want no losers, and sometimes that means no winners either. In the end, a delicate balance will provide a measure of happiness without damaging the knot too much.

sigh.

dot.

10 Things I Miss About Being a Wife (or even an S.O.); details that would NEVER go into my online dating profile

1. I really liked being a wife. Or being a partner.
2. Cooking dinner for someone who really appreciated it (and moreover, was willing to eat it, even if that's not what he wanted).
3. Being at a party where someone makes a comment that is, unknown to them, a private joke between just the two of you. You exchange that knowing glance and later talk about how funny it was.
4. Knowing his favorite kind of ice cream, whether or not he likes mustard or mustard, favorite junk food, and favorite pop - and making sure it's always on hand for him.
5. Buying clothes for myself that I know he likes on me (NO ladies, I'm not codependent. My thought is this: there's a pretty broad range of things in life that make me happy. So if what makes him happy falls within my range... then it doesn't really hurt me to move in the direction of his likes and dislikes, does it? I mean, if we ALL did that, wouldn't we all get along better?)
6. Ditto for the hairstyle.
7. Not being alone on Saturday nights, Sunday mornings, or ever, when making breakfast.
8. Making mutual vacation plans.
9. Being surprised with flowers, chocolates, or an impromptu weekend trip.
10. Waking up at 3 AM with your ankles intertwined with his. When you turn over to look at him, he is awake and just watching you. Um-hmmm!

Chemistry and Physics: Love ain't that simple

Falling in love was something that I had never given much thought to. Meeting someone new, clicking... then the wondering... that fleeting, flying feeling like you might be in love in a few weeks. The giddy, can't-eat-anything crazy-mad pit of your stomach knowing that you can't stop this train. Spending every spare minute with them, talking on the phone, meeting at the most inane times/ places.

I went on a sum total of two dates with Charlie. I've seen him maybe 4 or 5 times. We email almost daily. There is an emotional bond that was present the very first time we met. Our chemistry together was outrageous. Even uncomfortable. We fit.

Yes, yes, I know that it's hard to say that one could fall for someone that quickly. Well it's been like 6 weeks or more. And that bond is no less than before. Without spending time together, without much talking. With only sharing and letters, and a couple of heartfelt talks, staring into eachother's eyes... he told me he likes - yes, loves me.

Now I'm thinking it too: isn't this the same man who broke my heart with the Russian bride-to-be? Yup. And isn't this the guy who I said would never see me again? Yup. But as I've said, love ain't that simple.

The Golden Sky

Watching the world go by on two wheels
Listening to my favorite sounds in the world
Finally a cool evening breeze flows through my hair
Finally my sweaty neck evaporates to some relief

Rounding the curve and going uphill
I saw the place where we first met
It smelled like it did on that day
And I saw a train and thought of your smile

Coming home through town
the trees were backlit with sunlight
Couples were walking after dinner
and I was thinking of me with you one day

A lazy evening and some red wine
A phone call that I did not want
A bubble bath and more of my 5star tunes
You won't leave my mind, my heart, my soul

Could this be love?

Brave Fronts.... and Vegas Lounge Lizards

So the Vegas Lounge Lizard called me tonight. We chatted online this morning and he's a hoot. Seriously, a lounge singer. He chatters so fast and furious and has a great sense of humour. Not sure that there's chemistry there, though.

Charlie sent me another midnight choo-choo message. You recall how he broke my heart some weeks ago? He is still going through a personal crisis and is trying to figure out what he wants. I'm getting the impression that Dorothy is fitting the bill as of late. So not only has my heart broken... but my feelings never went away - I think I'm feeling something deeper now. It scares me.

Every time I see a man who looks like Charlie, my heart hurts. It makes me cry inside to see someone who reminds me of the intense chemistry, the emotion. But is he what I want, or what do I want? He is smart, caring and emotionally stable (except the choice of a 2nd Russian Bride). And I, like Meridith Grey, want my McDreamy to "Choose Me"....

Yes, I Do Feel Like A Rhinestone Cowgirl....

Okay.... so my big project was unveiled last week. Suffice it to say that a man openly wept when it was revealed. He had tears in his eyes and said "Now God can rest..." Have you ever heard such a thing?

Anyways, I've been working on this project so hard. And putting myself on the line for my work and my career for better than 7 years. Finally there's a crack in that dag-bern glass ceiling: My boss offered that my next project is one of my own choosing, my own design, and dad-gum-it, I can use it for my doctoral dissertation! Oh, and it's the Chairman's main point of interest right now. Nice.

In honor of hard work, I'll give a momentary shout out to all of you who work hard for your dreams. Lemme tell ya: I JUST SEEN THE MOUNTAINTOP!

Rhinestone Cowboy by Glenn Campbell

I've been walkin' these streets so long
Singin' the same old song
I know every crack in these dirty sidewalks of Broadway
Where hustle's the name of the game
And nice guys get washed away like the snow and the rain
There's been a load of compromisin'
On the road to my horizon
But I'm gonna be where the lights are shinin' on me

Like a rhinestone cowboy
Riding out on a horse in a star-spangled rodeo
Like a rhinestone cowboy
Getting cards and letters from people I don't even know
And offers comin' over the phone

Well, I really don't mind the rain
And a smile can hide all the pain
But you're down when you're ridin' the train
that's takin' the long way
And I dream of the things I'll do
With a subway token and a dollar tucked inside my shoe
There'll be a load of compromisin'
On the road to my horizon
But I'm gonna be where the lights are shinin' on me

Like a rhinestone cowboy
Riding out on a horse in a star-spangled rodeo
Rhinestone cowboy
Gettin' cards and letters from people I don't even know
And offers comin' over the phone
Like a rhinestone cowboy
Riding out on a horse in a star-spangled rodeo

FADE
Like a rhinestone cowboy
Gettin' card and letters from people I don't even know

A New Favourite

If you like Harry Connik Jr.... If you like Michael Buble'..... if you like your ears and want to give them a treat... Listen to Jamie Cullum. From the tone of some of his songs, I believe that he may have a few Christian numbers, as well.

Anyways, listen to my man Jamie! Hot Darn!

--Dot.

Well Good Monday to you too!

My weekend was quite eventful, although it hasn't been decided if good or bad yet.

Friday, I went out with the Pilot. I asked him out. The peril in doing that, is you never know if he's interested in you, or if he's just hanging with you so that he doesn't have to be alone. The good part? I LAUGHED UNTIL MY FACE HURT! That boy is funnier than anyone I can ever remember.

Saturday I worked and ended up trading emails with Charlie, while he was choo-chooing. The problem with that, was that Yahoo!'s new beta email system cc'd the Pilot on one of those messages. Nothing incriminatory, but probably didn't inspire confidence. Dumb girl. He didn't call last night either. He's called every Sunday for the past 3 weeks, so you know it was kind of expected... sigh.

Sunday, came and went with almost no notice. Almost. I went to coffee with my laptop, and thoroughly enjoyed writing a part of my article there. When ideas come to mind and you put them down on paper, artistically... I LOVE THAT! So M.W. called because we're collaborating on this. I needed more data and it would take like 3 days for me to receive a FedEx. We met last night for dinner. A little friendship, a little heartache, and a little satisfaction that he still misses me enough to cry and tell me he made mistakes too.

Here's what I want: This will be a good week. The Pilot will ask me out again. The training that I am facilitating will go well.

wamhas!

dot.

A New Favourite Quote

From last night's episode of Hell's Kitchen:

"I may be a total idiot as a person.... But I'm a damn good chef!" -- Sara

I'm rootin' for this girl to win. Hahaha!

Truth, honesty, and Drama drama drama!

Thanks to all of my friends, for your sage advice on telling the truth to my dates. Rainbow-boy never returned my message regarding the lack of chemistry between us. And if he ever reads this, which I doubt because he would have no idea that it is about him, "I'm sorry that I didn't tell the truth the first time"....

Saturday was a busy day for me. My date with Pilot was at 6 am - he changed his whole day's schedule around, just so that we could meet for coffee. Nice guy, great Puppers (a Husky) and very friendly.

At 8, Choo Choo Charlie and his friends dropped by my office and we went for coffee again. That boy is still giving all of the signals of being totally into me... even though he contends that we are just friends.... But come on let's be honest.... The chemistry, the karma that we both feel when one another's presence is undeniable. But it is hardly fair that he get jealous when I date others... he's still engaged to a Russian and has a lot of other baggage. Anyways, Charlie BBQ'd last night with friends, and it was a fun hang-out. His friends are a hoot and they really think I'm alrighty, too.

Enough drama already!

M.W. called after midnight last night. He and his psycho-lady friend spent the weekend in Tahoe, and I was pissed off that he had exercised such poor poor judgment in getting involved with someone so obviously messed-up as this woman. There have been so many warning signs, and that is just what he has been telling me! So the midnight phone-call.... she did go psycho last night. And they broke up this morning. But I think they'll get back together because he, like me being involved with my ex huband, loves her manic side enough to make excuses for the Psycho and take the risk that the remainder of his living years are going to be freaking miserable (much like the decade-long struggle with my ex was).

My goal toward M.W. is to give him the facts about loving someone who is crazy. But ultimately he will be the one to ignore twelve hard-earned years of experience on my part. And I refuse to enable a good friend acting like a love-fool. I'd love to say that I believe M.W. can extricate himself. But after only a month he's allegedly "in love" it's going to be anybody's guess as to the outcome here. May the Lord watch over him.

--Dot.

Many Choices... and the Choices that we make...

I wrote at least two paragraphs about the man-melodrama du jour. It's as if I even care about them. What I care about is where my life is headed... and that it's going to be happy.

The problems with all of the dating choices that we make is "how do we know if we've made the right choice?" Not until it's too late, many times. If you go into the way-back maschine when I was married... I used to think that "you just know" when it's right. But my experience with Nelson, my ex, M.W., the old boyfriend, and Choo-choo Charlie, the 2-time two-timing dater tells me that instincts can no longer be trusted.

Rainbow, someone I dated two months ago and didn't want to see again, called. I'd apparently made up some lie about why I wouldn't date him again... that I wasn't over the old boyfriend. And this is where it gets dicey. Because I've just got to tell Rainbow that it's not going to work out between the two of us...

What was I thinking?

The Happy Homemaker - Discoveries on a Day at Home

Wow, what a week. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Boy, by the time I discovered I'd been duped by Choo-choo Charlie last week, I was such an emotional basket-case. Sheesh, I shouldn't say that, because Charlie is actually trying to straighten his life around. Perhaps it's my moral fiber that convinced him to be honest with me?

Anyways, I have been on emotionally rocky ground, and it was amazing to finally gain insight about the crap I've been through this week. Yeah, I was totally rushing into that emotional thing. The chemistry was insane, and would you believe how real it felt? Although I am convinced that God put me there for not just Charlie to reighn it in a bit... but for me to do the same, as well. Wow, was that an ugly lesson! I JUST WANTED TO BE LOVED!!!

Halfway through the week, it was such a treat when Pilot, who has been emailing me for several weeks, finally called me on the phone. Chatting with him has reminded me what it's like to have fun, to find a friend, and that I'm gettin' so serious about finding my life-partner, that I'm forgetting to enjoy life!

Pilot called me last night and twice already today. A very busy man, but my age, no kids, no exes. And he flies for fun. It makes me smile to think he is thinking about me enough to call two times in one day!

I've been cleaning house all day and rediscovered the beauty of floor-wax. Mop-n-Glo, baby!! Now I'm in for the afternoon, and watching O Brother! Where Art Thou!

Why God?

I'm still struggling to understand what happened last week. I mean with Choo-choo Charlie. It's not like I was in love with him, although there were some pretty intense feelings there after only a couple of days.

Perhaps that I bared my soul to him and he betrayed the obvious trust that I put into him is the culprit? Yes, I believe so. Why is it that betrayal actually hurts more, causes more bitterness than a lost love? The anger associated with it.

I AM SO ANGRY. Not just regular angry. The kind of angry where you think "Well, I guess that I'm going to have to go the rest of my life without anyone in it, because obviously no one is capable of being loving or trusting!"

Looking back to the very first blog I posted in November of 2003 (look over on the right side, scroll to Nov 2003, click, and go to the bottom of the page), I was angry then and couldn't eat. The most I've eaten each day for the past 5 days, is a half-sandwich and some coffee. Why do I have these physical symptoms?

And why do I want to automatically castrate every man I see, just so he can f__k with me?

I know that you have my best interests at the center of your purpose, Lord, but what possible outcome would my being duped accomplish? I'm still trusting you, but it's hard.

Dorothy.

Untitled, for CcC

Since the very beginning of my sentient life, I've had a purpose. God gave it to me, and He has steered me from one place to another throughout life.

That is why I am so mystified about this current situation. This desire in my life to work hard and advance my career.... and even more the desire to find a mate and make a family and lovely and meaningful life together. Why does it drive me? What does it drive me to?

Someone swept me off my feet on Friday. I thought he was The One. We meshed. Clicked, swooned, fell -- hard and fast. He took me to coffee, to dinner, then walking through a rose garden. We laughed, we looked at the sky, smelled the magnolias and walked barefoot through the grass. It made me feel giddy, how much I trusted him.

We danced barefoot in the grass, in the gathering dusk, while I hummed Frank Sinatra's "Fly Me to the Moon".... He held my hand as we walked... then his arm around my shoulder... my waist. Spun me around and looked deep into my eyes. This man said over and over how I looked into his soul. He would laugh spontaneously because it was so bizarre to him.

Oddly lightening the mood... he said "Tag" and kissed my cheek, danced me around in a circle and covered my cheeks. We swung our hands as we walked to a weird objet de' art display across the street. Leaning against a wall, he held me in his arms. Never in his life, he said, had he smiled so much. Most of his days were spent with worry, sadness, fatigue and angst, and Dorothy breathed life into him.

His long hours kept us from talking on Saturday (so I thought), and we emailed a lot about our pasts and baggage. Yesterday was a lengthy phone conversation where my mind was racing into a place where a potential relationship was developing. I was falling, fast and hard. He accepted my faults, he talked about his children -- about how I would notice certain virtues about each of them.

Tired tongues and exhausted minds, we were starting our goodbyes. Then he said there was something he was going to tell me the next day, that was a pretty big gap in what he'd told me. Sigh. Okay... shoot.

He is engaged to a woman that he met online, then went to visit in Russia. This woman is practically my twin (not Jayleigh, but a Soviet Sophisticate) in appearance, background and education. She has a hellion-spawn, apparently. And two more degrees than me. And doesn't speak English. And is not here.

And I'm here. And I wanted to take it slow. And I wanted to discover who this man was... not be completely dependent on him. And I trusted him with my heart and it turned out that I also give him the power to squish it between his strong hands... which he did. No, he didn't want to. In fact, I don't think he knows what he wants. All of these choices he made were a mere reaction to the devastation that one feels when they go through a tremendous loss such as a divorce.

Looking back at my own history, I see that I cleaved to M.W. and he to me, because it felt like we were drowning. This guy said the same thing to me last night. He thought he was drowning and didn't know what to do. Now he's made this commitment and thinks he knows what to do... But he is confused.

This was supposed to be a dissertation about what God wants for my life. So here's the question: Why did He have to bring this "Mr. Perfect", this Choo-choo Charlie into my life? What purpose did it serve, except to make me lose faith in the Grand Design?

If he and I had met months ago, we might be together today. Timing stinks, and losing the potential for something so perfect and so right just breaks my little heart. But it is so wrong.

The perfection of the first 48 hours of this thing is poisoned. And that is only because Charlie is dating me when he should be examining the feelings he has for his fiance'. A dark cloud has come over me today, but beyond the ugly feelings I am having... My concern is for him, and that he doesn't make a catastrophic mistake.

How many people do you know who spent a few weeks with someone 9 months ago, offered to marry her, and then is expecting to meet with her again in a couple of months, as though nothing has changed? Sounds like lunacy to me.

But that's just me.

Perhaps God's idea is that I not trust my feelings. Not look for love. Look for the practical. Look for the one to build my life with and not necessarily one who I find exciting... just compatable. But.... but I can't stop believing that there is someone out there like Charlie, for me.

Peace out.

Dorothy.

Pond Scum

Here is what I believe:

That I have been fearful of getting too deep with anyone, so I am sucking on pond-scum.

Choo-choo Charlie got engaged to a Russian woman two months after his divorce was filed, because he felt like the world was ending. (Much like I did with M.W.).

His Russan would-be Bride will be here in August. Fine timing Chooch!

You picked me and you picked now, to question whether your lady-love is real. She hasn't met your kids, your family, and speaks no English. Tsk Tsk!

I feel for you Choo-choo Charlie. I fell for you Choo-choo Charlie.
Damn you to hell for using me!

Always,
Dorothy

You're In Love...

Wilson Phillips - You're in Love

Open the door and come in,
I´m so glad to see you my friend,
I don´t know how long it´s been
Havin'these feelings again
And now I see that you're so happy, and oohhh
It just sets me free and I like to
see us as good friends as we used to be
My love,

Chorus
You're in love
That´s the way it should be
´Cause I want you to be happy
You're in love
And I know
That you're not in love with me, oohhh
It´s enough for me to know that you're in love
Now I let you go´Cause I know that you're in love

Sometimes it´s hard to believe
That you're never coming back for me
I have this dream that you´d always be by my side
Ooh, I could've died
But now I see that you're so happy
(see that you're so happy)
Ooohh, It just sets me free and
I'd like to see us as good friends
as we used to be
My love

You're in love
That´s the way it should be
´Cause I want you to be happy
You're in love
And I know That you're not in love with me,
oohh
It´s enough for me to know that you're in love
I can let you go
´Cause I know that you are in love

I tried to find you
But you were so far away
I was praying that they would bring you back to me
Someday (someday), someday (someday)
woohhh, you're in love

Happy for MW

He's a Choo Choo Charlie and a Class Act!

So Brawny effed it all up but who cares! I'm going out tonight with Choo-Choo Charlie (see if you can get the "Amazing Race" throwback)... he's amazing!

Alright, so he's had a somewhat debaucherous life. When he lived in Russia (oh yes he did), and any stories he tells about the place make me wonder about his moral turpitude. But hearing how his life has changed, hearing about changing his attitudes toward many of the superficial things in life? Choo Choo Charlie is almost boy-Dorothy!

Cute, kind, loves kids, is a great dad, works hard, is emotional... If he's not careful, I'll be attracted like a moth to a flame. Girls... we've got a hot 'un here!

Dot.


P.S. we talked at filibuster length last night.... I love talkers.

Whatever it Takes!

The holiday weekend has been difficult on me. Of couse, M.W. and I always did tons of stuff, and he's practically living over at his lady-friend's house. (I said practically!). It hurts so much.

And Destiny is having fun with her friends and family. And Brawny's son is in town. And I'm trying to ward off a crush I have on Kilo, so we can't see eachother.

So what's a girl to do, to keep herself from being sad and lonely? The pact I made with myself this weekend is "Whatever it Takes" regardless of cost or loss... WHATEVER IT TAKES!

On Saturday I worked and was pretty much a basket-case. In the late afternoon I decided to go to a church service. That started helping. Yesterday I got up at 6 am. Watched my favourite tv program (Sunday morning) and drank coffee. Had more coffee on the back balcony, took a long hot bath, shaved my legs, picked out a fetching outfit of white slacks and mango top, got a coffee-to-go from my fave place and walked 2 miles to the art museum and milled around looking at my favorite form of artistry: the classic Dutch painters.

In the afternoon, I trekked to a favorite Mexican restarurant and ordered my food and a beer. Ate it. Across the street was a movie theater, but my show didn't start for an hour. I went to a bargain-basement store and bought a Candy-apple red Liz Claiborn "alligator" purse for $20! Then over to the Da Vinci Code. Loved the book, liked the movie. Back home, I watched a movie that Kilo gave to me last weekend, then went for an 8 mile bike ride. Showered, got back in the car to hunt down some pancakes. I ended up with Mexican again. And an apple pie. Watched everything that was on my TiVo, got silly on a few glasses of Chardonnay.... talked with M.W. about our ongoing project (he's always too busy for me. Used to be too busy with work to spend some private time. Now he's too busy with his lady-friend to work with me), talked with Kilo about his ex-fiancee' trying to get him back, and went to bed by 10.

My tactic worked! Today may indeed end up being a 40+ mile bike-ride, just to keep my mind on trace.

Whatever It Takes!

Peace,

Dorothy.

Do I make you proud?

After watching "American Idol" Taylor Hicks for the win last week, I couldn't help but feel like he was singing a song that I wanted to ask God... "Do I make you proud?"

Last night I went to church for the first time since the breakup. The pastor is okay and the church was okay (although they angered me when they acted all cliquish and the people were a little less Oklahoma-nice and a little more California-better'n you.

I was surprised also to receive a phone-call last night from Kilo. He asked what I was up to and when I said that church was my hot Saturday night date.... he asked if he could join me! Now *that's* awesome!

Brawny did not call... not that I expected him to, but he could have emailed. We talked Friday night and he mentioned calling on Monday and getting together. But I can't hold off my entire weekend. Perhaps I should not be available... Now now boys... don't get jacked out of shape -- seriously! Women want to know that they count. And YOUR planning ahead can accomplish just that!

MW is now fully entrenched (5 dates in 4 days) with an older, shorter, closer version of me. I'm sure she has more redeeming qualities than that. Namely, that she's less than an hour away, has a pulse, and lives in the city which he so snobbishly adores being a part.... oh, she has the odd-jobs of a college co-ed, and she needs to be "fixed".... So he finds her irrestable.

Once I asked him why he didn't leave me. He said that he didn't think I could stand on my own yet. Um. Thanks. On behalf of all women everywhere: WE DON'T NEED YOUR HELP!

~~~

So my trip plans to Michigan are coming along nicely. Synoptic is making plans from his end, I'm making plans from mine. And I really hope that the sparks I kept myself from feeling in his presence, are there when we meet again.

No One Saved Me....

There was that time when I was waiting for a White Knight to save me.
No one did.

M.W. once said he was my Don Quixote, but he was the world's D.Q., not mine.

Synoptic once was my Knight. But he needed me to be my own person, whole, before coming to him.

So Dorothy is all alone in her heart, all alone in her own Land of Oz.

No one saved her, and yet she lives.

Missing You by John Waite (a.k.a. Bad English)

Every time I think of you
I always catch my breath
And I'm still standing here
And you're miles away
And I'm wondering why you left
And there's a storm that's raging
Through my frozen heart tonight

I hear your name in certain circles
And it always makes me smile
I spend my time
Thinking about you
And it's almost driving me wild
And there's a heart that's
breaking
Down this long distance line tonight

I ain't missing you at all
Since you¹ve been gone
Away I ain't missing you
No matter
What I might say

There's a message
In the wild
And I'm sending you this signal tonight
You don't know
How desperate I've become
And it looks like I'm losing this fight
In your world
I have no meaning
Though I'm trying hard to understand
And it's my heart that's
breaking
Down this long distance line tonight

I ain't missing you at all
Since you've been gone
AwayI ain't missing you
No matter
What my friends say

And there's a message that I'm sending out
Like a telegraph to your soul
And if I can't bridge this distance
Stop this heartbreak overload

I ain't missing you at all
Since you've been gone
AwayI ain't missing you
No matter
What my friends say

I ain't missing you
I ain't missing you
I keep lying to myself

MW.... I ain't missing you

Three Strikes? Well... he already has two....

And I haven't even met him yet!!!

Brawny cancelled our date for tonight. In 8 minutes, I was supposed to be shaking his hand at a restaurant.... and he cancelled. Of course we're rescheduled for tomorrow... but that isn't the point.

When he said he was going to call, he didn't. The 2nd time he was going to call, he was an hour late. And he cancelled our first date. I'm totally feeling chemistry there... but it's doubtful that he would ever make any time for me at all (do we hear echos of M.W. jading my heart, or is this for real?)

Dot.

The Surest Way to Know (if you're affected)

So I remember way back when I dated before... I looked the guy in the eyes and in a split second, could make the decision "Yeah I could" or "No I couldn't". But I don't remember savoring the very having been asked out on a date.

The endless recollections of thousands of romantic dates can not top the floating-on-air feeling of not being in love, but wondering if you might be, in a few days.

Ahhh, love. Men, hearts, flowers, chocolates. What a racket.

Me Lovey.


Peace,

Dot

P.S. The Brawny Man is taking me out tomorrow. I can't stop laughing; we are meeting at 4:15.

My Surreal Life

I had a very rough weekend, emotionally speaking. Judging by my past posts, I'm sure you'll agree. For some insane reason, it was in my head that M.W. should get back together with me.

Of course I miss him. Miss the good times. Grrrrr. Dang it. So I asked him if there was a chance. He said he "couldn't rule it out" and that's when I lost it. I told him that if there wasn't a chance in the next month, then to kick my butt, tell me to shut up, and that it's over. And I asked him to remind me that every chance that he got!

Then we started talking about our dating woes. I finally decided to ask Kilo to stop calling me. He's a wonderful [boy] man, but there's no spark of love. Physical chemistry, check. Friendship, check. Emotional desire, nope. But I'm glad to have known him and hope that we'll remain friends. Hard to know where to cut it off sometimes.

M.W. named off three people that he wanted to give my number to, including the brother of his daughter-in-law! LOL.... The Music Snob was someone that M.W. was always jealous of my time with, at family gatherings. Aidan the singer is attached but single. My heart fluttered the first time I saw him. Sigh. And of course, the brother of our friend, who is insanely shy.

I can't think of anyone to set him up, since he's preying and prowling like a tom-cat at the moment. I kind of laugh, because the effort he is putting into this, is way way way more than he would have had to exert, to keep me in his life. C'est la vie....

Oh... been chatting with a man online who looks like the Brawny guy. Check it out:

So we'll see how that goes. He sent pictures of himself and his son, and of his house... way to romance a girl, eh? I'm sure I've already scared him off already...

Did I just go nuts?

Someone please stop me from harming myself?

Anyone who's been through a break-up knows how I feel.

You want to move on.
You want to go back and fix it.
You still love them for the good stuff.
You start to hate them for making you doubt yourself.
You start to move on.
You keep tripping up.

You keep loving them.
Your love starts to fade one day.
Another day, you realize that you've moved on and it makes a sad - spot on your heart because there was a time when you would have sacrificed everything -- including your dignity -- to make things good again.

I want my life to seem good again.

To Hell with Honesty.... right?

Yah... so I'm morose this morning because I miss M.W. and realized that there is no one on the planet that I can talk to like him. Yes, if you must know... I'm trying to get on with my life, but I still love him.

And then he finally... after ALL THIS TIME tells me that the reason there was distance between, essentially THE reason he stopped participating in us, is that he could not trust me. Um... Know what?

No one gets to crab and crow about bad things in their relationship if they just "Go Along to Get Along". That's never the kind of think I thought we had going (I thought it was honesty). Now my trust is being called into question.

I freely admit that I made mistakes. But I was under the impression that forgiveness had been granted. M.W. IF YOU COULD NOT FORGIVE AND COULD NOT FORGET... WHY DID YOU NOT JUST BREAK UP WITH ME AND SPARE ME THE PAIN OF THINKING YOU PULLED AWAY BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T CARE?

I miss him. I want to move forward, and I still want to go back and make it work. I don't know what I want. (Dorothy fades away to quietly cry in the corner).

Sorry Pooky. I still love you.

Mulligan Life???

I've said it before and I'll say it again: "What did I ever do to deserve this goodness???"

Let's re-wind the clock by 6 years. A dear sweet man, my age yet, single, smart and the perfect amount of athlete/nerd, befriended me. A crush developed and my warped little mind somehow wrapped (quite inappropriately) around the idea that a "white knight" was going to save me from my rotten marriage.

When we first met, Synoptic was worried about me and told me that he didn't think I could make it out of my marriage in one piece. He said that he would wait for me anyways... even if it took the rest of his life, he would stand by me as a friend and supporter.

M. W. was so bitter over my long and tortured friendship with Synoptic. But in the 2 years that we dated, with an additional year of close friendship, I never pursued Synoptic. Sure, I made some suspect actions... I even told M.W. of my feelings toward the aforementioned German in a rare moment of complete truth (ladies, no matter what your guy says... don't tell him everything! It'll come back to haunt you!). And damn! Did I pay the price for that in the end. M.W. demanded that I cut off my friendship with Synoptic.

Okay... do I did. Kinda. M.W. forced me into a don't ask-don't tell situation where I couldn't even utter his name without wrath. He told me it was really irksome to him and made him question my judgment. Fine. Question me. M.W: I never ever even considered cheating on you. And you know what? You alleged that I was your soulmate but you never vowed to stand by me through thick and thin for my whole life!!!

So whether or not there is a relationship ready to kindle with Synoptic, a friendship ready to move ahead, or two best friends spending a weekend biking together....... I get to find out. We're going on a trip when I'm back in Michigan.

My heart has always loved his heart.... even though neither has ever spoken the truth of the soul. We're meeting and I'm feeling like I was just freed! And......

I JUST GOT A MULLIGAN.. LA LA LA LA LA LA LA .....!

Radicchio huh?

I'm eating a mesculin salad for lunch. On top it has cottage cheese, tomato, shredded cheese, sliced and diced turkey, salt-n-pepa, and jumbo cashews. There is radicchio in the salad and it reminded me of one of my first days in the office....

(enter the way back maschine)....
At lunch, at the local brewpub.

"Mr. Right": Mmmm.... tastes like there's radicchio on my sandwich

3rd Musketeer: Yes, I can't remember the last time I ate radicchio on a sandwich.

"Mr. Right": Kind of nutty.... a little spicy. Yum.

3rd. Musketeer: You know... I really like radicchio.

(exit way back maschine).....

Seriously folks... can you imagine two men having that conversation at lunch, with 3 other men and 1 woman (me)? I mean really! I didn't even know for sure what radicchio was until they pointed it out as the spidery looking leafy job that comes in your mesculin!

So I saw the radicchio (I keep making the typo "radicchip") and felt moved to rant.

Thankyew.....

300 Km/H.... With my hair on Fire!!!

Kilo ... oh Kilo... wherefore art thou Kilo? What man of <21 has such a right to be so intelligent? So romantic? Such a heart-breaker? Likewise, what man hath the right to stake a claim on my heart? The answer? No one. Sadly.

It was a wacky/wild/wonderful weekend. Kilo is a man's man, a romantic, a smarty-pants, and athlete, an artist, and a soldier. He's "full steam ahead" as far as I'm concerned. Unfortunately, I'm left behind on the pier, bags half-packed, head shaking, wondering what the heck just happened??? Huh???

The dude is a charmer. He thinks of everything. Brought three kinds of candy. I didn't even think I told him what kind of flowers I love... but he got them. What is that?? How can he know me? Read me?

I'm totally take aback, because although that kind of uber-attention is unusual to me, I think I liked it. I like Kilo... but unfortunately there's really no spark. Don't get me wrong. If he was 30, and still as not-jaded as he is... I'd do everything I could to try and fall for him (mister romantic-perfect)....

But I can't. Oh so wrong on oh so many levels.

One day when I find someone with that spark... I want him to treat me like Kilo does.

Je t'adore

Sigh.... a man speaking French into my ear. Swoon. Seriously. We're going out tomorrow afternoon. From many posts ago, this is Kilo. Very young, very sweet, and very charming.

Perhaps the best thing about the young and charming, is that they are not yet aware of their charm, and yet it still exudes much like your milk-shake from the local ice-creamery, when the metal sleeve is still in the top of your cup, lest it overflow.

Frankly, I had qualms a couple of weeks ago, regarding my going out with Kilo. He really is so young. But at this point, I know that I'm not ready for serious dates.... not ready for making future plans.

So why not make some friends, have a few laughts, and enjoy a charming young man who speaks my name in French ("Joelle"), and says sweet things that I don't even care what they mean, because they sound so yummy.

To God in Heaven Be the Glory...

(I'm alive cause You're alive)... etc.

Remember what I said a while back about not deserving God's Grace in the form of natural Beauty? Observe my trip to Yosemite this past weekend:

The water from these falls are from snowmelt. Therefore it is just above freezing. If you think about it, evaporational cooling will make the water even cooler than that. I walked up the trail to see the lower fall (not visible here) and was astounded by the cool mist, and the etherial beauty.

People (they must be jerks), actually climb this mountain (El Cap). It's about 4000 feet tall, and the ground level is about 4000 feet above sea-level. So we're talking about some serious oxygen depletion, coupled with a two-day climb up a vertical rock face. They're nuts!
Click to see them larger.



A Rainbow from the Mist Trail











Upper Yosemite Falls













El Capitan