Why God?

I'm still struggling to understand what happened last week. I mean with Choo-choo Charlie. It's not like I was in love with him, although there were some pretty intense feelings there after only a couple of days.

Perhaps that I bared my soul to him and he betrayed the obvious trust that I put into him is the culprit? Yes, I believe so. Why is it that betrayal actually hurts more, causes more bitterness than a lost love? The anger associated with it.

I AM SO ANGRY. Not just regular angry. The kind of angry where you think "Well, I guess that I'm going to have to go the rest of my life without anyone in it, because obviously no one is capable of being loving or trusting!"

Looking back to the very first blog I posted in November of 2003 (look over on the right side, scroll to Nov 2003, click, and go to the bottom of the page), I was angry then and couldn't eat. The most I've eaten each day for the past 5 days, is a half-sandwich and some coffee. Why do I have these physical symptoms?

And why do I want to automatically castrate every man I see, just so he can f__k with me?

I know that you have my best interests at the center of your purpose, Lord, but what possible outcome would my being duped accomplish? I'm still trusting you, but it's hard.

Dorothy.