That's me: mono-girl for the last entire month!!! I haven't been working. Only attending class, doing homework, and allowing friends to come over to check on me from time to time.
It's really boring. Really... freaking... boring... But I've stopped consuming pre-packaged food (except for the 2 mini brownie bites from Starbux on the way to class), and comPLETELY stopped drinking coffee. Did I ever profess my undying love for coffee? Because I love it. Utterly. But it doesn't love me, my tummy or my nervous system. And thus I've stopped. I'm eating fresh veggies every day. No red meat. Fresh fruit. I love California. Produce... with a heavy emphasis on the "fabulous".
Still incredibly fatigued, and starting to wonder if I'll ever get better and be able to go to the gym again. I had myself convinced that I had some rare and horrible disease, the likes of which I would never recover. Imagine my happiness that it's only mononucleosis? But it's beleaguering. It's draining me.
___
But with all of this free time, it's occurred to me that, with the notable exception of the lack of a partner and babies... I've accomplished all of my major life's goals. And I'm only in my mid 30s! I've exceeded Expectations! Even my own!
All summer, I vowed to go without goals. This was scary for me, because frankly, I always feel that if one is not growing, they are dying (always my harsh words.. always they come back to bite me in the ass). So I've felt weird and without goals until a few weeks ago when I discovered something and thought to myself "I should do something about that".
Well, much to my chagrin and that of my "never-wanna-be-an-African-Missionary" sister... I learned that in my field, data from Africa is scarce. Not because it's not there, but because it hadn't been published in English. And I thought to myself, oh-so-casually... "huh... I should go and do something about that".
Hold the presses. I just said what??? I just said, "I, Dorothy Gale, of Kansas, but not in Kansas, wish to go to Africa and rectify the lack of climate data". I said it. I basically said that I want to be a missionary. For my cause.
Jayleigh once said that we have to be willing when we hear the call. That's why she and I both prayed and prayed and prayed that we would never hear the call to Africa. We were scared. But of what? The unknown? Who knows now... it just seemed horrible.
But we never knew one thing: God would never make us go do something without making us WANT it.... He gives us the desire. The one that I have now.
____
LaMar wants to go to Africa. Very Bad. See how this is coming full circle? We spent the first year of our dating relationship at home, dreaming and scheming about the future. He's not a dreamer nor a schemer. It's hard when it's like that.
But I swear I've never felt like this toward another human being. I've noticed that I'm keeping my mouth shut more because NOT that I like it or it's easy... but because I care about him and want him to know that I value his words. It sometimes scares me that I care about his happiness and our happiness as a couple, just as much as I care about my own... but isn't that the way it's supposed to work?
Apparently, I'd always just assumed that the planets and sun orbited around me. Not anymore. I want a partner. I want this partner.
Dot.
Showing posts with label Moving On. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Moving On. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
"Fine"
Wow.... I missed my "Divorce-a-versary" this year by many weeks. It's been four years. Over 4 years.
However, I didn't forget the 11-month anniversary with LaMar. Wow... I remember when starting to date M.W. and Othello, I was always on here talking... constantly, incessantly. I've moved into a different mode of my life and it's not so important anymore to write, because I'm LIVING instead.... :-)
Damn, it feels good to finally be out from under that cloud!
Peace.
Dot.
However, I didn't forget the 11-month anniversary with LaMar. Wow... I remember when starting to date M.W. and Othello, I was always on here talking... constantly, incessantly. I've moved into a different mode of my life and it's not so important anymore to write, because I'm LIVING instead.... :-)
Damn, it feels good to finally be out from under that cloud!
Peace.
Dot.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Failed Attempts
If therapy has shown me anything, it’s not to regret the past, but to find good in all of it… even in failed attempts (The Justin Ferrin Song,by the same name, is a fave of mine).
Nelson was very funny. He had a sense of humor and tried to do right. He gobbled up the Bible and even though his sense of leadership was woefully misguided, he wanted to do well.
His curls were legendary and his twitching lip was precious. I liked his feet, and legs. He liked mint body-wash and that was cute, too.
We always thought the world was so small, so limiting, but we were trying to be happy – even amidst a wreck of a home and a mess. He did try to provide for me, even through his foolish attempts to appease what he thought I wanted.
I loved Nelson with my whole heart and his mental illness coupled with the violence he learned over the years, smashed and splintered what was left of our decade-long marriage. One of my saddest regrets is that I was trying to make it work and he wouldn’t get help so he could try too.
There is a part of me that will always always always love what I thought we shared together. He had a beautiful heart when it wasn’t messed up and psycho.
And now I know…. Nel’s lack of following his dreams for fear of being unsuccessful and my lack of support is what I learned – that the thing I’ve been doing all along – following my childhood dreams is what makes me happiest!
Mister Wonderful, on the other hand, showed me more passion in 3 years, than I’d felt in the previous 30… with the possible exception of a high-school boyfriend that I loved, but who the timing was all wrong, with. Our infatuation for one another grew to an ardor that I could scarcely explain in words. In my whole life – let alone in my 30s (not my teens) – never did I expect to be so powerful with feeling toward a single man.
Since we fell in love over the phone (his company was a client of mine), there was absolutely no physical attraction. We didn’t even meet for nearly a year. When asked by my sister what I saw in him, I said that we respected each other.
Yes, it’s true; I never said passion. We had a mutual love for our shared field of study… even a few other things. It lasted for 3 years but fell apart very quickly when it became apparent there was no common goals for the future.
Othello is the love that never should’ve been. When I decided to advertise on Match.com for a boyfriend, I said that I was looking for a friend first. Well I found a friend. We were involved for 10 months of which most was semi-miserable, but it kept me from being lonely.
The last six months we dated, we learned how to be friends. It broke my heart when we broke up, because although we were both very wrong for one another, if I hadn’t required that he be in love with me, we would have married and had kids. Because why? Because he was stable.
He taught me what it was to be normal, and that normal could be really satisfying. He often said “you deserve to be happy” or “you are a good person”. In retrospect, settling for him would have been the only mistake bigger than my marrying Nel.
The truth is that Othello ended up being both boring and passive-aggressive, with a total and complete lack of intimacy. But I was still settling down from the anger after my divorce, and it worked out nicely to have a dose of passion, and then stability before meeting the love of my life.
If this post were a musical, I'd now break into a chorus of "A Whole New World" from the musical cartoon movie, Aladdin.
Cuz now I'm in a whole new world with you....
Yeah... LaMar... woot. I'm finally feeling like letting all of that stuff go.
Dot.
P.S. After ruminating on this post for the weekend, I'm feeling really good about where things are going with LaMar. It upsets my mom that I change the names of all of the people on this blog, in order to protect the identity of the innocent... but LaMar is an amazing man and anyone who knows me in life, knows who he really is. No secrets there!
Nelson was very funny. He had a sense of humor and tried to do right. He gobbled up the Bible and even though his sense of leadership was woefully misguided, he wanted to do well.
His curls were legendary and his twitching lip was precious. I liked his feet, and legs. He liked mint body-wash and that was cute, too.
We always thought the world was so small, so limiting, but we were trying to be happy – even amidst a wreck of a home and a mess. He did try to provide for me, even through his foolish attempts to appease what he thought I wanted.
I loved Nelson with my whole heart and his mental illness coupled with the violence he learned over the years, smashed and splintered what was left of our decade-long marriage. One of my saddest regrets is that I was trying to make it work and he wouldn’t get help so he could try too.
There is a part of me that will always always always love what I thought we shared together. He had a beautiful heart when it wasn’t messed up and psycho.
And now I know…. Nel’s lack of following his dreams for fear of being unsuccessful and my lack of support is what I learned – that the thing I’ve been doing all along – following my childhood dreams is what makes me happiest!
Mister Wonderful, on the other hand, showed me more passion in 3 years, than I’d felt in the previous 30… with the possible exception of a high-school boyfriend that I loved, but who the timing was all wrong, with. Our infatuation for one another grew to an ardor that I could scarcely explain in words. In my whole life – let alone in my 30s (not my teens) – never did I expect to be so powerful with feeling toward a single man.
Since we fell in love over the phone (his company was a client of mine), there was absolutely no physical attraction. We didn’t even meet for nearly a year. When asked by my sister what I saw in him, I said that we respected each other.
Yes, it’s true; I never said passion. We had a mutual love for our shared field of study… even a few other things. It lasted for 3 years but fell apart very quickly when it became apparent there was no common goals for the future.
Othello is the love that never should’ve been. When I decided to advertise on Match.com for a boyfriend, I said that I was looking for a friend first. Well I found a friend. We were involved for 10 months of which most was semi-miserable, but it kept me from being lonely.
The last six months we dated, we learned how to be friends. It broke my heart when we broke up, because although we were both very wrong for one another, if I hadn’t required that he be in love with me, we would have married and had kids. Because why? Because he was stable.
He taught me what it was to be normal, and that normal could be really satisfying. He often said “you deserve to be happy” or “you are a good person”. In retrospect, settling for him would have been the only mistake bigger than my marrying Nel.
The truth is that Othello ended up being both boring and passive-aggressive, with a total and complete lack of intimacy. But I was still settling down from the anger after my divorce, and it worked out nicely to have a dose of passion, and then stability before meeting the love of my life.
If this post were a musical, I'd now break into a chorus of "A Whole New World" from the musical cartoon movie, Aladdin.
Cuz now I'm in a whole new world with you....
Yeah... LaMar... woot. I'm finally feeling like letting all of that stuff go.
Dot.
P.S. After ruminating on this post for the weekend, I'm feeling really good about where things are going with LaMar. It upsets my mom that I change the names of all of the people on this blog, in order to protect the identity of the innocent... but LaMar is an amazing man and anyone who knows me in life, knows who he really is. No secrets there!
Friday, April 04, 2008
The Sad Little Birthday
I ran into Othello today at the gym. He asked me if me and LaMar would be interested in coming to his birthday party this month.... Othello wanted to re-create the party that I made for him last year.... I was touched. But over half of the people there were my friends, not his. And plus... I'm not going to drag LaMar into that.
That would be like Othello inviting his ex, Stephanie, to my birthday party... and that's not gonna happen... How many times did I tell Othello that I abso-friggin-lutely hated the idea of her, that I never wanted to hear her name again? So why would I do that to LaMar, I ask thee?
Poor lil' guy. I feel sorry for him. Lonesome and lonely and broken. My fondest wish is for him to let the barriers come down and actually feel life for a change. He could live a happy life like that.... I pray that he lets someone in before it's too late.
That would be like Othello inviting his ex, Stephanie, to my birthday party... and that's not gonna happen... How many times did I tell Othello that I abso-friggin-lutely hated the idea of her, that I never wanted to hear her name again? So why would I do that to LaMar, I ask thee?
Poor lil' guy. I feel sorry for him. Lonesome and lonely and broken. My fondest wish is for him to let the barriers come down and actually feel life for a change. He could live a happy life like that.... I pray that he lets someone in before it's too late.
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Happy Birthday Baby... or Damn...Those are some good Christmas lights!
LaMar's birthday is tomorrow and he's coming to see me because I still have a cold and didn't feel like traveling this weekend. I've got a nice afternoon of movies, walks in the community rose garden (not the one-trick-pony trick rose garden), art galleries and my fav-o-rite Italian restaurant.
On another note..... Othello is on a date tonight with someone that he likes and is nice to. I went to see Bee Movie tonight at the same theater O and his date were at. No big whoop - they didn't see me. I don't really care other than that last year when I lived with him, we drove by the Christmas lights in my new neighborhood almost every night.
It seems like there were more Christmas lights last year. It all seems so melancholy to be home alone... be living alone, boyfriend lives out of town..
You know, I don't want to be with Othello. I don't think there was ever the kind of emotional fulfillment that I feel now. But then why does it feel so funky when I'm sitting here in the dark, enjoying the holiday lights in the neighborhood?
On another note..... Othello is on a date tonight with someone that he likes and is nice to. I went to see Bee Movie tonight at the same theater O and his date were at. No big whoop - they didn't see me. I don't really care other than that last year when I lived with him, we drove by the Christmas lights in my new neighborhood almost every night.
It seems like there were more Christmas lights last year. It all seems so melancholy to be home alone... be living alone, boyfriend lives out of town..
You know, I don't want to be with Othello. I don't think there was ever the kind of emotional fulfillment that I feel now. But then why does it feel so funky when I'm sitting here in the dark, enjoying the holiday lights in the neighborhood?
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Foul-Weather Friend, or, Happy Blog-o-versary!
I guess I'm just a bad blogger. I left Nelson 4 years ago and 1 week, today. Right before Thanksgiving.... I tried to stay. If you read the first two-three years of my blog, you would know that. Because I started my blog the very night that I left him.
Go ahead...read my first month-o-posts:
http://dorothyisnotinkansas.blogspot.com/2003_11_01_archive.html
In a nut-shell:
4 years.
1 ex husband.
2 ex boyfriends.
1 serious boyfriend.
5 places of residence.
1 car.
2 jobs.
483 posts.
Lots of rants. But I don't rant when I'm happy. So I haven't been posting. Sorry, fans!
Happy Blog-o-versary, Dorothy!
Love,
Dot.
Go ahead...read my first month-o-posts:
http://dorothyisnotinkansas.blogspot.com/2003_11_01_archive.html
In a nut-shell:
4 years.
1 ex husband.
2 ex boyfriends.
1 serious boyfriend.
5 places of residence.
1 car.
2 jobs.
483 posts.
Lots of rants. But I don't rant when I'm happy. So I haven't been posting. Sorry, fans!
Happy Blog-o-versary, Dorothy!
Love,
Dot.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
The Run-Down
I am happy, scared, sad, tired, stressed and LIVID. Here's the rundown:
Happy: LaMar and I continue to develop an emotionally stable and satisfying relationship. He comes here, I go there, we exist and coexist and it's gooooood.
Scared: LaMar's employment struggles are ending, but financial woes continue. A question: how do I know if this is a way of life for him, or just a short-term difficult period? My concern goes directly to the next question, which is: How would that word if there was a family involved?
Sad: I wish my family was here. It's awfully lonely in this state by myself.
Tired: School and work. I've been busy lately.
Stressed: School.
LIVID: Othello was dating this gal that is the former next-door neighbor of my friend Babs (I mentioned her frequently in my blog in 2006 - she was being treated for breast cancer at the time). Anyways, this gal, Emily, was sweet and nice, but a bit possessive (so I thought). Now after their break-up, it's a game of he said/she said that ended in Othello intimating that I, Dorothy wanted him back (that's why I'm around so much... no, not that I live two blocks from him or that we were friends or anything like that).
Something's wrong with that boy. He needs help.
One Last thing: I decided to spend two weeks with my family over the holidays. It was no fun spending it with Othello last year - I think that's when he decided he didn't love me (the minute after he asked me to have his babies "and everything that goes with it"...) So i'm going home. Jayleigh suggested that I take mom to her therapist and have a group session trying to work through some of the issues she has with LaMar. We'll see. I'll get to play music with my sister and snowboard with my brother. Yay!
Happy: LaMar and I continue to develop an emotionally stable and satisfying relationship. He comes here, I go there, we exist and coexist and it's gooooood.
Scared: LaMar's employment struggles are ending, but financial woes continue. A question: how do I know if this is a way of life for him, or just a short-term difficult period? My concern goes directly to the next question, which is: How would that word if there was a family involved?
Sad: I wish my family was here. It's awfully lonely in this state by myself.
Tired: School and work. I've been busy lately.
Stressed: School.
LIVID: Othello was dating this gal that is the former next-door neighbor of my friend Babs (I mentioned her frequently in my blog in 2006 - she was being treated for breast cancer at the time). Anyways, this gal, Emily, was sweet and nice, but a bit possessive (so I thought). Now after their break-up, it's a game of he said/she said that ended in Othello intimating that I, Dorothy wanted him back (that's why I'm around so much... no, not that I live two blocks from him or that we were friends or anything like that).
Something's wrong with that boy. He needs help.
One Last thing: I decided to spend two weeks with my family over the holidays. It was no fun spending it with Othello last year - I think that's when he decided he didn't love me (the minute after he asked me to have his babies "and everything that goes with it"...) So i'm going home. Jayleigh suggested that I take mom to her therapist and have a group session trying to work through some of the issues she has with LaMar. We'll see. I'll get to play music with my sister and snowboard with my brother. Yay!
Sunday, September 30, 2007
North Coast Weekender - with a blip from B-Bob
Much to the dismay of my family, I continue to vacation alone at times. One that I'd done before was to drive down Hwy 1 for a period of time. This time, I decided to drive from SF all the way up Hwy 1 to the North Country ...
Thing is... it took about 3 times longer to get there that I'd anticipated. On the bright side, it also took me through the country where the Ewok planet was filmed in Return of the Jedi. Since I didn't get to sight-see on the way up... I did so on the way back.
Redwoods, oh Redwoods! Bea-u-ti-ful!!!
While I was in Eureka, there was an email waiting from B-bob. I responded "Wow, since you gave me so much time to think about it... I don't think that we are a good fit for each other..." (this, for those counting, was 9 days after he last called me. Um, I don't think he was interested. At All).
And I missed Lamar so much.... we talked and talked and talked.... and talked. and texted and emailed. We are growing closer and it's really great.
Thing is... it took about 3 times longer to get there that I'd anticipated. On the bright side, it also took me through the country where the Ewok planet was filmed in Return of the Jedi. Since I didn't get to sight-see on the way up... I did so on the way back.
Redwoods, oh Redwoods! Bea-u-ti-ful!!!
While I was in Eureka, there was an email waiting from B-bob. I responded "Wow, since you gave me so much time to think about it... I don't think that we are a good fit for each other..." (this, for those counting, was 9 days after he last called me. Um, I don't think he was interested. At All).
And I missed Lamar so much.... we talked and talked and talked.... and talked. and texted and emailed. We are growing closer and it's really great.
Lamar... Lamar... wherefore art thou Lamar?
Last Monday, I drove to his neighborhood in SF. Being unemployed in a big city, I was afraid that Lamar would have us sit around in his dank apartment for hours, and then try to kiss me goodnight (and fail, because I would not let him).
Where is my faith? What happened to my faith in humanity? Have I become so jaded that I forgot how to have fun? How to laugh, how to love? He cooked spaghetti dinner for me, and we shared the rot-gut wine that he could afford. Plus we went for a delightful walk in a tony neighborhood, got ice-cream cones and watched a movie and kissed for two hours back at his place. There were talks about trust, about desires for the future, and pledges of honesty.
Hours of phone conversations brought us through the week. Crappy luck between the two of us made for lots to talk about. A few conversations with my mom gave us more to talk about.
A mere 5 days later, Lamar trekked to see me here again. A number of things prevented us from seeing each other from morning to night (those damn freight trains!), so the dear man stayed overnight at my place. Such a gentleman this one! Swoon :)
Taking him to the train station, I realized that looking in his face, I can no longer see his colour as something unique about him. A number of times, I felt people staring at us. It upset him to the point of mentioning it to me several times.... I told him that it was simply because people saw us as a striking couple. He liked that... yay :)
Sharing a long walk, seeing friends and former dates at the coffee shop... we shared hopes, dreams, and became more invested in each other's lives.
Stay tuned for part of a love-note written by dear Lamar. Seriously, it's totally appropriate.
Where is my faith? What happened to my faith in humanity? Have I become so jaded that I forgot how to have fun? How to laugh, how to love? He cooked spaghetti dinner for me, and we shared the rot-gut wine that he could afford. Plus we went for a delightful walk in a tony neighborhood, got ice-cream cones and watched a movie and kissed for two hours back at his place. There were talks about trust, about desires for the future, and pledges of honesty.
Hours of phone conversations brought us through the week. Crappy luck between the two of us made for lots to talk about. A few conversations with my mom gave us more to talk about.
A mere 5 days later, Lamar trekked to see me here again. A number of things prevented us from seeing each other from morning to night (those damn freight trains!), so the dear man stayed overnight at my place. Such a gentleman this one! Swoon :)
Taking him to the train station, I realized that looking in his face, I can no longer see his colour as something unique about him. A number of times, I felt people staring at us. It upset him to the point of mentioning it to me several times.... I told him that it was simply because people saw us as a striking couple. He liked that... yay :)
Sharing a long walk, seeing friends and former dates at the coffee shop... we shared hopes, dreams, and became more invested in each other's lives.
Stay tuned for part of a love-note written by dear Lamar. Seriously, it's totally appropriate.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
B-Bob
The B is for boring. I was going to call him Welfare Bill, because I'm pretty sure he knows Welfare Red from the opposite side of the desk - he's a welfare worker. But B-Bob was just... plain.... boring.
We talked for several hours one night on the phone. From our exs' bipolar illnesses, similar experiences, etc., to tastes in music, food, and more. The next night we had a 6-hour date that included walking 8 miles, eating and drinking until we were merry... and a 2-hour car drive that ended rather abruptly when he drove by his house to "show me" ... um... what? His etchings?
Thank you, NO!
He called me 4 days later. FOUR DAYS! I've never had a date wait that long to call me. Usually there is a follow-up date the next morning. Four days. Please. If you're not interested, just don't call!
Anyhoo... he hasn't called since. No love lost. A nice diversion, anyways.
Dot.
We talked for several hours one night on the phone. From our exs' bipolar illnesses, similar experiences, etc., to tastes in music, food, and more. The next night we had a 6-hour date that included walking 8 miles, eating and drinking until we were merry... and a 2-hour car drive that ended rather abruptly when he drove by his house to "show me" ... um... what? His etchings?
Thank you, NO!
He called me 4 days later. FOUR DAYS! I've never had a date wait that long to call me. Usually there is a follow-up date the next morning. Four days. Please. If you're not interested, just don't call!
Anyhoo... he hasn't called since. No love lost. A nice diversion, anyways.
Dot.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
One Year Later....
My and Othello's 1-year anniversary would have been this past Tuesday. I ached when I saw the reminder on my calendar. He was a true love. But we were not meant to be and we both knew it.
We went to dinner to celebrate our love and our friendship. To me, this is a huge accomplishment to be able to be okay with one that I loved so very much.
Things are going to be okay. I saw that I'm still very afraid to open my heart to someone new (Blac-Jac included)... and the virtues of taking it slow are extolled upon me.
We went to dinner to celebrate our love and our friendship. To me, this is a huge accomplishment to be able to be okay with one that I loved so very much.
Things are going to be okay. I saw that I'm still very afraid to open my heart to someone new (Blac-Jac included)... and the virtues of taking it slow are extolled upon me.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
The Brother from Another Mother....
Othello's and my friend is in town from Up North this weekend. He didn't know that we'd broken up - it was O's job to tell his people, which he didn't. Not sure what to make of that - he's not too emotional about having been together or now being apart.
We ate pizza together last night and today we attended a BBQ with our friends. After a few beers, I fell asleep at his house, and suffice it to say that I'm really proud that we can be together so much and not feel like we've got to jump on eachother anymore.
There was a point when my heart hurt - ached from moving on and not knowing what the future holds for us as friends. Friends is too casual for how much we still love eachother, and lovers was all wrong and we both knew it... so what does that leave us?
We ended up going out for sushi. In a rare moment of absolute clarity, Othello asked if I'd ever heard the expression "A brother from another mother"? I was tempted to say that I had... but I told the truth - Was it something about step-brothers or half-brothers? He said it was when someone feels so close to you that they're family, regardless of the blood-bond.
I thought he was thinking of the folks we hung out with today - Bobby, Boy-Dorothy (he shares my same actual name), Uncle Huffy, Aunt Em, and Little Hollister. But Othello made a point to say that I am his best friend, that he loves me more than anyone or anything.... he said I'm the brother he never had. Sister... whatever.
The point is that things are a lot easier, looking at him like my bro (and it makes it a lot sicker, if we accidentally kiss). I'm blessed to have a friend love me like that.
--Dot
We ate pizza together last night and today we attended a BBQ with our friends. After a few beers, I fell asleep at his house, and suffice it to say that I'm really proud that we can be together so much and not feel like we've got to jump on eachother anymore.
There was a point when my heart hurt - ached from moving on and not knowing what the future holds for us as friends. Friends is too casual for how much we still love eachother, and lovers was all wrong and we both knew it... so what does that leave us?
We ended up going out for sushi. In a rare moment of absolute clarity, Othello asked if I'd ever heard the expression "A brother from another mother"? I was tempted to say that I had... but I told the truth - Was it something about step-brothers or half-brothers? He said it was when someone feels so close to you that they're family, regardless of the blood-bond.
I thought he was thinking of the folks we hung out with today - Bobby, Boy-Dorothy (he shares my same actual name), Uncle Huffy, Aunt Em, and Little Hollister. But Othello made a point to say that I am his best friend, that he loves me more than anyone or anything.... he said I'm the brother he never had. Sister... whatever.
The point is that things are a lot easier, looking at him like my bro (and it makes it a lot sicker, if we accidentally kiss). I'm blessed to have a friend love me like that.
--Dot
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Oh My Aching Heart
On the one hand, I'm busy and on the other hand, I can't find/make the time to do anything productive, because I so sad/depressed. I feel like if I cry, it's making things real... and if it's real... then it's really over.
Giving up hope is the hardest part. I think I heard that in a new John Mayer song but it's true: I looked at Othello last night and remembered thinking that we would have a child together one day. A red-haired child that walked like his daddy and had a cute little backpack and smiled all goofy.
But I let it go because he didn't light up my heart.... and I didn't light up his heart.
And now I'm scared because the Mystery Man reminded me of that place in my heart that I thought was long gone... and it's not gone, it's alive and kicking.
So the point is that I'm starting to cry a little because I need Othello and everything associated with him to be over. I need to do the right thing and make some distance. And the most important part is that I'm ready to move on, mourn, let go, and hope for something new, with someone new.
Oh yeah... and I don't need anyone else to complete me. My self-worth is worth more than that.
-dot.
Giving up hope is the hardest part. I think I heard that in a new John Mayer song but it's true: I looked at Othello last night and remembered thinking that we would have a child together one day. A red-haired child that walked like his daddy and had a cute little backpack and smiled all goofy.
But I let it go because he didn't light up my heart.... and I didn't light up his heart.
And now I'm scared because the Mystery Man reminded me of that place in my heart that I thought was long gone... and it's not gone, it's alive and kicking.
So the point is that I'm starting to cry a little because I need Othello and everything associated with him to be over. I need to do the right thing and make some distance. And the most important part is that I'm ready to move on, mourn, let go, and hope for something new, with someone new.
Oh yeah... and I don't need anyone else to complete me. My self-worth is worth more than that.
-dot.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
One Month Down... and lots of healing to go
I actually forgot on which date I broke up with Othello... but I think it's already been a month. Some days it's like a lifetime and some days it's like 1 minute ago.
My friend El came to interview for an internship at my work yesterday. She told me about one of her old boyfreinds who she continued to get emotional support from, after their breakup. I could see that if I wasn't careful, that would also be the cast with O.
Please pray for me to be strong than that... to meet people and be the kind of woman that God wants me to be.
--Dot.
My friend El came to interview for an internship at my work yesterday. She told me about one of her old boyfreinds who she continued to get emotional support from, after their breakup. I could see that if I wasn't careful, that would also be the cast with O.
Please pray for me to be strong than that... to meet people and be the kind of woman that God wants me to be.
--Dot.
Too Much Booze: A Visit With Friends
My Friends were in town from Oklahoma last week. From Friday to Friday (and sea to shining sea) we hit every bar, restaurant, winery and pub that we could get our hands on. Several of the days, I didn't want to go out... but still went...
It's part of that moving on thing... if I hadn't spent time with my friends, I'd have called Othello. oops.
On an interesting note, we went wine-tasting in Amador County, which is in the Sierra Foothills. It doesn't sound like a ton of fun, because it's not Napa, there are no restaurants, and there is no ocean nearby. But believe me... it's gorgeous and the wine was quite tasty.
Justin is a friend of my friend. He always tries to hit on me. He's quite inappropriate, but he's also a charmer and ...can't help but like the attention sometimes.
It's part of that moving on thing... if I hadn't spent time with my friends, I'd have called Othello. oops.
On an interesting note, we went wine-tasting in Amador County, which is in the Sierra Foothills. It doesn't sound like a ton of fun, because it's not Napa, there are no restaurants, and there is no ocean nearby. But believe me... it's gorgeous and the wine was quite tasty.
Justin is a friend of my friend. He always tries to hit on me. He's quite inappropriate, but he's also a charmer and ...can't help but like the attention sometimes.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Bashing Stereotypes
Over and over again during the Easter Holiday, I claimed that I was bashing stereotypes of Christians, because I could stand on a mountaintop and be closer to God in my heart, than someone who went to church three times on Resurrection Day.
So I started thinking about other stereotypes that I subscribed to... such as the fact that my extreme distaste for one certain Russian has coloured my view of all Russians. Don't get me wrong - I'm not a bigot. Well wait.. yes I am. That darn man I dated last summer... the one who was like peas and carrots? Based upon a sample of one, I held total disdain for all Russians.
Last month, I met yet another of Othello's long line of exs. She's a good gal and we are becoming fast friends. But we met for coffee. I got to Cicolet & Pain, "Chocolate and Bread" (What can be better?) first and sat at a patio table. Across the deck was the familiar "over-madeup" look of an otherwise gorgeous Ukrainian woman. Instantly I hated her. Then I spilled my coffee right in my lap, because God knows that I respond best to "instant karma". This woman ran over with a handful of napkins, and blotted my coat and pants until I was some semblance of dry.
You know what? I am a total a$$ for hating all Russians for the transgressions of one. And so I continue to bash stereotypes of Christians, by being what I wish all of us were (more accepting like Jesus... )... and now I do it without the 2x4 sticking out of my eye.
So I started thinking about other stereotypes that I subscribed to... such as the fact that my extreme distaste for one certain Russian has coloured my view of all Russians. Don't get me wrong - I'm not a bigot. Well wait.. yes I am. That darn man I dated last summer... the one who was like peas and carrots? Based upon a sample of one, I held total disdain for all Russians.
Last month, I met yet another of Othello's long line of exs. She's a good gal and we are becoming fast friends. But we met for coffee. I got to Cicolet & Pain, "Chocolate and Bread" (What can be better?) first and sat at a patio table. Across the deck was the familiar "over-madeup" look of an otherwise gorgeous Ukrainian woman. Instantly I hated her. Then I spilled my coffee right in my lap, because God knows that I respond best to "instant karma". This woman ran over with a handful of napkins, and blotted my coat and pants until I was some semblance of dry.
You know what? I am a total a$$ for hating all Russians for the transgressions of one. And so I continue to bash stereotypes of Christians, by being what I wish all of us were (more accepting like Jesus... )... and now I do it without the 2x4 sticking out of my eye.
Saturday, April 07, 2007
Where the Hell has the Time Gone?
Over 3.5 years ago, I wrote at the bottom of this post, that I would wait to be married for 3 years after my divorce.
Where has that time gone? In September, it will be 4 years since Nelson went crazy and we split up..... Sure I've gone and done some good things with my life.... but ... but...
I want to settle down again. Married, house, dog, kid. Man, wouldn't that be the life. It would be like... coming home.
-Dot.
Where has that time gone? In September, it will be 4 years since Nelson went crazy and we split up..... Sure I've gone and done some good things with my life.... but ... but...
I want to settle down again. Married, house, dog, kid. Man, wouldn't that be the life. It would be like... coming home.
-Dot.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Forcing the Issue: My Soliloquy to Survivors
Upon reading this article today, I am reminded of an ugly part of my past. Go on, skim the article... I am not as concerned about the fashion designer, as to what he allegedly did to those women and girls.
It is most upsetting, as a rape survivor, because I hate when people are systematically abused and society keeps letting them off the hook because of who they are... or worse yet... who you are... or the very worst... you are afraid to even speak up because you fear that no one would believe you.
The thing that I didn't know at age 15, was that when someone abuses you in that manner, it is ingrained into the way your mind works. Those are your formative years... the time when you are learning about yourself, the world and your body... you are deciding what you think is sexy, what you think is hot and how you like being treated not only in a dating relationship, but in a physical relationship and ultimately, marriage.
That was more than half my life ago! And yet sometimes I feel the pain like it happened yesterday. After a failed marriage with a man who turned violent... after a failed relationship with someone very controlling... after 6 months of singledom that felt like an eternity... 8 months into one of the first truly healthy relationships I've shared in my life... I'm starting to take the wind out of the sails that haunted me all these years.
No, I'm over being angry. It's just those things that get ingrained. The momentary thought that you'd actually like to be treated violently.... the fleeting recollection of pain mingled with the slightest amount of... what? Pleasure? Surely you jest. But anyone who has been through this knows what I'm talking about.
The longer time it's been since this terrible thing happened, the more I question whether I fought hard enough... should I have told someone? (of course I should have)... and... did I... like it?
I DID NOT LIKE IT. No one would. Yet the battle rages on until the wind dies down and I can hear my tiny voice clearly saying "No."
-Dot.
P.S. Intense therapy and drugs for depression were also needed to quiet my storm. I encourage anyone who's been treated violently, to seek professional help. Every day is a struggle at first, but then we learn to live and ultimately to love (ourselves - loving others is not really the problem).
It is most upsetting, as a rape survivor, because I hate when people are systematically abused and society keeps letting them off the hook because of who they are... or worse yet... who you are... or the very worst... you are afraid to even speak up because you fear that no one would believe you.
The thing that I didn't know at age 15, was that when someone abuses you in that manner, it is ingrained into the way your mind works. Those are your formative years... the time when you are learning about yourself, the world and your body... you are deciding what you think is sexy, what you think is hot and how you like being treated not only in a dating relationship, but in a physical relationship and ultimately, marriage.
That was more than half my life ago! And yet sometimes I feel the pain like it happened yesterday. After a failed marriage with a man who turned violent... after a failed relationship with someone very controlling... after 6 months of singledom that felt like an eternity... 8 months into one of the first truly healthy relationships I've shared in my life... I'm starting to take the wind out of the sails that haunted me all these years.
No, I'm over being angry. It's just those things that get ingrained. The momentary thought that you'd actually like to be treated violently.... the fleeting recollection of pain mingled with the slightest amount of... what? Pleasure? Surely you jest. But anyone who has been through this knows what I'm talking about.
The longer time it's been since this terrible thing happened, the more I question whether I fought hard enough... should I have told someone? (of course I should have)... and... did I... like it?
I DID NOT LIKE IT. No one would. Yet the battle rages on until the wind dies down and I can hear my tiny voice clearly saying "No."
-Dot.
P.S. Intense therapy and drugs for depression were also needed to quiet my storm. I encourage anyone who's been treated violently, to seek professional help. Every day is a struggle at first, but then we learn to live and ultimately to love (ourselves - loving others is not really the problem).
Friday, March 30, 2007
GTN & BTN; a dichotomy of my ex-husband
In speaking with my former sis-in-law, the lovely and elegant Natalia... I've come to the realization that my ex, Nelson, was in fact, two people. The Good Times Nelson (GTN) whom I fell in love with and felt was my lifelong soul mate, and Bad Times Nelson (BTN) who systematically killed and then replaced GTN, permanently.
Natalia suggested that I mourn and grieve for what I lost. It's been 4 years now. But I have never grieved for the one who stayed by my side through melanoma... who made me dinner and gave me baths when I couldn't get up... the one who patted my back and encouraged me to live my life - "Viva tu Vida!" I would learn many years later from my good friend, Jose. Yes, Nelson was a good person. But he had a dark side.
BTN was envious of my accomplishments, embarrassed to be seen with someone so beautiful, who attracted so much attention. While he wished to fade away into the woodwork, I was tasked with doing all of the work. I grew up and he did not. I thrived and flourished and he did not. Now I am still thriving, and he is married to someone apparently old enough to be his mother. Who treats him like his mother. Bleh.
There are moments when I get all worked up and angry again. Now that I'm done with this post, it seems that my anger is mostly subsided. I think this is nearing the end. It is time for closure.
-Dot.
Natalia suggested that I mourn and grieve for what I lost. It's been 4 years now. But I have never grieved for the one who stayed by my side through melanoma... who made me dinner and gave me baths when I couldn't get up... the one who patted my back and encouraged me to live my life - "Viva tu Vida!" I would learn many years later from my good friend, Jose. Yes, Nelson was a good person. But he had a dark side.
BTN was envious of my accomplishments, embarrassed to be seen with someone so beautiful, who attracted so much attention. While he wished to fade away into the woodwork, I was tasked with doing all of the work. I grew up and he did not. I thrived and flourished and he did not. Now I am still thriving, and he is married to someone apparently old enough to be his mother. Who treats him like his mother. Bleh.
There are moments when I get all worked up and angry again. Now that I'm done with this post, it seems that my anger is mostly subsided. I think this is nearing the end. It is time for closure.
-Dot.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
He Beleagures Me....
First... don't ask... look it up.
Upon checking my voice mails after a coffee break... I find that "not-so-Mister-Wonderful" has called me again, waxing poetic about long-dead memories. I have asked him to stop calling for reasons not work-related, at least 5 times. He doesn't get it.
It must be obvious to anyone who knows me... that his constant reminders of that which did not work out... is a source of sour memories to me. My question to anyone reading is: shouldn't it be better by now? It's been a year already.... My usual over-analysis aside, it apparently affected me so deeply that I just want to let it fade away. The breakup was for a difference in life goals, not a lack of love (on my part). He initiated the deal-breaker.
So why does it hurt so bad, still? I don't actually want to be with him at all.. or talk with him. Or think about him in any manner. And it angers me that he will not leave him alone. For good or bad, I emailed M.W. this afternoon and said that if he doesn't stop emailing and calling me, I would file harassment charges and have Othello call him up "for a chat".
To be totally honest - for a few months after I broke up with him... it was really flattering that M.W. would call all of the time. I missed him and appreciated his continuing friendship. But the fun and games are over and he is moving into harassment and I don't like it anymore.
Wonder how his affianced would feel about all of this? Othello and I both don't think they'll even make it down the aisle (unless M.W. is really the gold-digger of the situation).
C'est La Vie. It is not for me to worry about unless he bothers me again.
-Dot.
P.S. Maybe we all should keep M.W. in our prayers. He's a messed up little puppy.
Upon checking my voice mails after a coffee break... I find that "not-so-Mister-Wonderful" has called me again, waxing poetic about long-dead memories. I have asked him to stop calling for reasons not work-related, at least 5 times. He doesn't get it.
It must be obvious to anyone who knows me... that his constant reminders of that which did not work out... is a source of sour memories to me. My question to anyone reading is: shouldn't it be better by now? It's been a year already.... My usual over-analysis aside, it apparently affected me so deeply that I just want to let it fade away. The breakup was for a difference in life goals, not a lack of love (on my part). He initiated the deal-breaker.
So why does it hurt so bad, still? I don't actually want to be with him at all.. or talk with him. Or think about him in any manner. And it angers me that he will not leave him alone. For good or bad, I emailed M.W. this afternoon and said that if he doesn't stop emailing and calling me, I would file harassment charges and have Othello call him up "for a chat".
To be totally honest - for a few months after I broke up with him... it was really flattering that M.W. would call all of the time. I missed him and appreciated his continuing friendship. But the fun and games are over and he is moving into harassment and I don't like it anymore.
Wonder how his affianced would feel about all of this? Othello and I both don't think they'll even make it down the aisle (unless M.W. is really the gold-digger of the situation).
C'est La Vie. It is not for me to worry about unless he bothers me again.
-Dot.
P.S. Maybe we all should keep M.W. in our prayers. He's a messed up little puppy.
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