How Cool is That?

I was sitting here today, thinking....

How totally cool is it, for Chelsea Clinton, that her MOM is running for President of the United States? Obviously her dad was... but oh momma !

Let me put it in terms of my young childhood: my Dad looks vaguely like Abraham Lincoln. Therefore, it was always acceptable for us, as kids, to fantasize that our Daddy could be the President. But Mom was a Mommy.... she did Mommy things... It would have been a totally different ball-game.

Can you imagine your four-year-old fantasizing that his or her Mommy could or would be the President one day? Amazing!!!


Personally, I support Barack Obama... but I do like a world that accepts the idea of a woman being the President.

Foul-Weather Friend, or, Happy Blog-o-versary!

I guess I'm just a bad blogger. I left Nelson 4 years ago and 1 week, today. Right before Thanksgiving.... I tried to stay. If you read the first two-three years of my blog, you would know that. Because I started my blog the very night that I left him.

Go ahead...read my first month-o-posts:
http://dorothyisnotinkansas.blogspot.com/2003_11_01_archive.html


In a nut-shell:
4 years.
1 ex husband.
2 ex boyfriends.
1 serious boyfriend.
5 places of residence.
1 car.
2 jobs.
483 posts.

Lots of rants. But I don't rant when I'm happy. So I haven't been posting. Sorry, fans!
Happy Blog-o-versary, Dorothy!


Love,
Dot.

Lamar, Lumumba, Lambada, Lalala!

Lamar has an interview today. He is so excited to have a job again, that uses his talents. Unfortunately this one does not. But he'll be bringing in the bank. Which is just fine.

He and I have had a rough couple of days due to the busy-ness of our lives. I just want to collapse into his arms and allow my heart to soften up from my rough week.

My housewarming party is on Saturday. It'll be fun, but all of my friends, Romans and countrymen are expected to arrive! Will post pictures and other notes later.

Waiting for Lamar

It is nearing the end of the week... and so either I am headed to the City or Lamar is headed to me in just over 36 hours. There have not been near the number of phone calls this week and we are assuring eachother that is a necessary step to realize in our growing relationship.

Although we are not quiet by nature, we still observe the Five Minutes of Silence each time we meet. In fact, much of the time we spend together is of a quiet, agreeable nature.

Lamar continues to assure me that we are made to be together.... that in fact, we are perfect compliments. I continue to trust him, believe in the potential that we have together, and ultimately, I have faith that my mom will come around and realize that breaking her stereotypes will hurt a lot less than shutting this wonderful man out of her life.

Although it has not happened in the past month... I fully intend upon falling in love with this man. It heartens me that he is not pushing me to go fast. As a matter of fact, he is not saying things like "I always say I love you last" or "I just don't fall in love"... and fecal matter of that nature.

Together we navigate the waters of "getting to know you" and heading swiftly toward the "I want you so bad"... but we have marked that off-limits until the "Love you so much" area has been completed in fullness....

Oh Lamar.... don't tell anyone my secret!

From Lamar, with ... not love yet... but ... anyways....

From Lamar - a note he wrote for me on the train....

It's you and it's me
Is it meant to be?

The chances we take
The love that we make
Is delayed for a while (the train)
but always in style

I promise to get to know you
And not jump the gun
And Yes
Your beauty and your fun
Arrests me like no small-time criminal

You know
You're so special
To me
It's a wonder
I tell you
I'm dying for a hug

The things that you send
The way that you do
The flow that we share
The Dorothy that is you
Is so special and true to me

Let's travel on and see
If we're meant to be
So far I know what's the answer

I will do right by you
Stay with me
So true
And you'll see that I'm no fool

My head and my heart
Won't betray or start
A step in the wrong kind of direction
The strength of you too
I'm open and true
And certainly I knew
That things for us could be great

So glad I can be
To you your big thing
I'm happy that I'm not too late
And one thing I know
That time sure will show
The greatness of wonder
That you are

If we follow the stars
And take time to start
Getting to know one another
I'm convinced that you'll see
That for you it is me
You'll know we are destined to be

No time to race
Just an easy pace
One day at a time
That's the way
I want your heart to know me
And that yes
Takes Time
Like I said
These journeys ain't easy

The movement of you
The heart that is true
Your warmth, intelligence
And grace
Your mind is so deep
With imagination quite steep
We're electric and strong like the thunder

So just stick with me
And you're sure to see
That there's no way on Earth
We could blunder

The doors of my heart are open... for you Dorothy Marie

Signed.... your L.

Oh My.... Lamar

Lamar walked into my life a little over two weeks ago. He is a tall black man and he finds me enchanting, captivating and irresistible. Fancy that. I find the same things about him.

Turns out we have the same capacity of intense passion, emotions, h ard work, etc. We've talked for hours, emailed at length about our goals in life. So much communication that on our first date, we decided to not talk for the first five minutes! Ha... it was so awesome! Just looking into one another's eyes and feeling all that we'd talked about was real!

There was quite a hullabaloo for him to get up here from the city on Monday... but he got here and was able to stay for 4 hours. I took him on my one-trick pony trick, and got my first kiss from him in the Capitol Rose Garden. Someone likened him to a young Sydney Poitier.

I am surprised and a little shocked at the reaction of my family.... Lamar is a wonderful British man who could not be more cultured. And yet my dear mother refuses to talk about him with me. I'm sure she'll work through her feelings eventually.

Greatfully, Jayleigh is the voice of reason (per normal). Without her, I would feel hopeless and lost. Thanks, J.

Meeting Red, part II

Red called me a week ago, to let me know that he has secured an apartment 2 hours closer to town, away from his ex, and with his twin boys.

The man is charismatic, Christian and full of hope. The best I ever felt about the future was when I had true hope with Nelson, my ex husband. I kind of feel this way about Red... not in a scary bad way... but in a scary good way.

So we met for an impromptu coffee this morning and I realized that he's shorter than me and probably 50 lbs heavier than me. Hmm. Not sure how I feel about that. But he captured my attention. Guess it's just one day at a time, now.

Prayers?

Hormones are Bad... sometimes

Every girl has to admit that the bitchy-PMS hormones are enough to create havoc where there was peace, to create drama where there was harmony. But I contend that it also makes us hyper-sensitive to people invading our spaces, who may be up to no good.

Since my last post, there've been a number of first-date disasters. But what do I care? It's only a first date, right? I get to know people... start having a crush on them... meet them and realize they're close to 300 lbs and eat sweets but appear that they will have diabetes in the near future. Or, they are really cute, have a good job, but worship "the Universe"... instead of, say, God.

The early-morning dread when I wake up has gotten worse... but it has prompted me to pray for inner peace and comfort, and the will "not to do anything stupid".... I'm so busy I don't know when I ever had time to date!

Oh My Aching Heart

On the one hand, I'm busy and on the other hand, I can't find/make the time to do anything productive, because I so sad/depressed. I feel like if I cry, it's making things real... and if it's real... then it's really over.

Giving up hope is the hardest part. I think I heard that in a new John Mayer song but it's true: I looked at Othello last night and remembered thinking that we would have a child together one day. A red-haired child that walked like his daddy and had a cute little backpack and smiled all goofy.

But I let it go because he didn't light up my heart.... and I didn't light up his heart.

And now I'm scared because the Mystery Man reminded me of that place in my heart that I thought was long gone... and it's not gone, it's alive and kicking.

So the point is that I'm starting to cry a little because I need Othello and everything associated with him to be over. I need to do the right thing and make some distance. And the most important part is that I'm ready to move on, mourn, let go, and hope for something new, with someone new.

Oh yeah... and I don't need anyone else to complete me. My self-worth is worth more than that.

-dot.

Have Hope or... Are you there God? It's me, Dorothy...

Riding my bike home from a trail-trek with Othello this morning... we had breakfast. He went on about how he is soulsearching and attempting to find out who he is. Then Othello criticized my dating men 10 years older than me. (Even though that's only 44, which is pretty young, if you ask me).

I'd all but given up on the hope that I would have a partner, a lover, a co-equal and a co-parent. Othello WAS all that I'd wanted... but it didn't work out... it would not have worked out even if we had been okay with what we'd had... because there was a lack of compatibility, because there was a difference of goals, I could go on and on and on.

So why hope, all of a sudden? The night I came back to Othello, I prayed so hard that I was doing the right thing. We went for a walk and I saw this car with plates that said "Fere Not"... Back then, I had a sign, a confirmation that I was not to be afraid of entering into that relationship. Today... I saw a car with plates saying "HavHope"...

So I decided to Praise the Lord and not give up hope...

Peace,
Dot.

BTW... if anyone knows a guy under 45, who wants a successful, stable gal, and to have kids... do let me know, okay???

Moving on.. but still mourning My Beloved.....

No matter how I move forward in my life.... my beloved Othello is always there. Last night I asked him why he still felt so close to me. We both decided that it's because we still feel like partners. That's messed up because we broke up and don't want to get back together. He thinks I require too much attention.

He said "We were sooooooo close. But I wasn't in love with you and couldn't give you what you needed from me".

And this is creating distance how? It just hit me again like a ton of bricks.

I'm having a ball with all of the gentlemen calling on me these days. El Guapo spent a good chunk of time with me in the late morning/early afternoon. In fact, there is quite a bit of chemistry between us. To the point where it was necessary for me to say that I couldn't be with him if there was not a distinct possibility of children in our future.

So the question for tomorrow's episode is this: Can Dorothy actually walk away from someone who she is starting to fall for, only because he doesn't think he wants children?

Okay.. keep me in your prayers, please?

Thanks.

Dot

Why I should not trust my self diagnosis using "pop" psychology:

Music is important to me. Lyrics too. I love to sing (and sing very well, thank you!) but gave it up in the public domain a long time ago, because of a very visible disaster with my sibling, at church. But I sing to the ones I hold dear to my heart; my mom and until lately my spouse. There are a few friends I sing for, too.

Sad songs get right to the guts of my feelings. Oddly, they do not depress me but instead lift my spirits because someone in the universe has been here before... My new favorite song for this period in my life is called "Lincoln Avenue", by Train on their new Private Nation CD . BTW, Train is my fav-o-rite band. Anyways, find the Lyrics
here.

Last Sunday we went to the movies and listened to that CD on the way home. Even though I've owned it since June, we weren't sad then ... not in this place in our lives, so it didn't have the knee-bringing-to effect that it did a week ago. I think it was after listening to the CD that I started to lean off of the fence -- the fence of "will I stay or go". It's frightening to think that music is that powerful in my life. Emotions are magnified through music that suits my mood.

....A word about why I left...
Obviously it doesn't have anything to do with the music or my feelings regarding it. Have you ever experienced something that wasn't quite right, that you didn't really understand, but you could never put your finger on it? And after a long period of time, you suddenly gain an instant of perfect clarity, and you are never the same again? Sometimes it can be experienced in academics... like insight in solving an algebra equation. Other times, like mine, it's all about people. You feel like you are waiting for the tide to turn for about 3 years, and then when it does, you say "yeah.. I shoulda seen that coming." You know what? I did see that coming.

Now admitting to myself that it was happening is rather foreign. Who would ever admit that their marriage is over? There are no role-models for calling it quits! Can you imagine books and magazines dedicated to "What to wear when you know it's over" and "How to plan a memorable divorce dinner". There could be chocolates wrapped in tiny print-outs of your stock portfolia or divorce decree, which you would pass to family and friends. Oh, I know.. a show on Oprah "She left, and you can too!"

Everyone has that imaginary line in the sand. Sometimes it's crossed over in secret, in the middle of the night, and when the crossing is discovered, all of a sudden it's just over. Sometimes your spouse gets nearer and nearer the line, and tippy-toes across it over the course of months or years or even decades. In my case, we were both kinda eyeing it and advancing and retreating. Some time ago I just stood in front of that imaginary line and found he was standing there too. Nose to nose, we eyed eachother and poked eachother in the chest and huffed and puffed and he backed away... far away. I stood still, contemplating my next move, when he came back... running like a freight train on greased rails. Completely friggin' bowled me over. Yes, I mean to intimate that this feels a lot like a train wreck.

So I am almost finished moving...
Probably I'll finish today or tomorrow. I hate this. My feelings do not run like a faucet, and there is nothing to stop them. My sister-in-law told me that it is like putting a band-aid over open heart surgery. Um-hmm.

Moved more stuff today. It's weird how things come right down to whether or not you take the good mixing bowls or the crappy ones.... I'm the one leaving ... does that entitle me to the collection of spices in the cabinet? The wine? Oh wait... he doesn't drink wine! What about the food in the pantry? The fridge magnets? (and do I really want to move my MagPo again???)

Still no sleep today, but I finally ate a full meal -- my favorite Chinese place is now right across the street, rather than 40 miles from home (I typo'd "him. Yes, Him).

I just have the damnest time believing that it was really me who left! It wasn't like I knew that is what I wanted. I made a stand and said what I wanted and he forced my hand. NO! He didn't force me to do anything. I simply couldn't abide with the consequences of living with him any longer.

For the first time in my life, I am living alone. For the first time in my life, I actually took a stand and did not back down from my true convictions.

God blessed my little pointy skull. :) Thanks God!