Oh My Aching Heart

On the one hand, I'm busy and on the other hand, I can't find/make the time to do anything productive, because I so sad/depressed. I feel like if I cry, it's making things real... and if it's real... then it's really over.

Giving up hope is the hardest part. I think I heard that in a new John Mayer song but it's true: I looked at Othello last night and remembered thinking that we would have a child together one day. A red-haired child that walked like his daddy and had a cute little backpack and smiled all goofy.

But I let it go because he didn't light up my heart.... and I didn't light up his heart.

And now I'm scared because the Mystery Man reminded me of that place in my heart that I thought was long gone... and it's not gone, it's alive and kicking.

So the point is that I'm starting to cry a little because I need Othello and everything associated with him to be over. I need to do the right thing and make some distance. And the most important part is that I'm ready to move on, mourn, let go, and hope for something new, with someone new.

Oh yeah... and I don't need anyone else to complete me. My self-worth is worth more than that.

-dot.

GTN & BTN; a dichotomy of my ex-husband

In speaking with my former sis-in-law, the lovely and elegant Natalia... I've come to the realization that my ex, Nelson, was in fact, two people. The Good Times Nelson (GTN) whom I fell in love with and felt was my lifelong soul mate, and Bad Times Nelson (BTN) who systematically killed and then replaced GTN, permanently.

Natalia suggested that I mourn and grieve for what I lost. It's been 4 years now. But I have never grieved for the one who stayed by my side through melanoma... who made me dinner and gave me baths when I couldn't get up... the one who patted my back and encouraged me to live my life - "Viva tu Vida!" I would learn many years later from my good friend, Jose. Yes, Nelson was a good person. But he had a dark side.

BTN was envious of my accomplishments, embarrassed to be seen with someone so beautiful, who attracted so much attention. While he wished to fade away into the woodwork, I was tasked with doing all of the work. I grew up and he did not. I thrived and flourished and he did not. Now I am still thriving, and he is married to someone apparently old enough to be his mother. Who treats him like his mother. Bleh.

There are moments when I get all worked up and angry again. Now that I'm done with this post, it seems that my anger is mostly subsided. I think this is nearing the end. It is time for closure.

-Dot.

Wax Lips, do not a romantic evening make...
I wish I'd thought up of that line, but it was the line of "Cousin Larry" from the show Perfect Strangers, circa the late 80s. But anyways...

So the groove from my wedding ring isn't even out of my finger yet, and a couple of thick-sculled neanderthals from the office hit on me. I wondered how I would feel. Like this: It pissed me off. Royally. I mean, talk about wreckless disregard for another human's emotions! "No, I don't care for a drink. No, I don't want to see a movie." Damn, boys... I ain't even done feelin' sorry for myself yet! (not to mention that I haven't even filed papers...)

Yesterday I didn't cry
That was a first. I thought I'd cry every time I went back to the house. I thought every time I was sad about it, I'd cry. But I am gaining strength from my adversity. .. Well, it's actually from God, but you know what I mean. By the way... have I ever mentioned that I don't believe in political correctness?? I only speak the truth... And I believe in God.

Well excuse me for thinking really deep thoughts
My beloved twin is having a difficult time and I want to make it all better for her. But she is struggling on her own and I am truly proud to see her fighting her way out of this. She inspires me and everyone. And she doesn't really even know it.

The last of my stuff is in my apartment. I ordered my first pizza here, did my first load of laundry, went grocery shopping, paid bills... etc. The world does not stop spinning when you are going through an emotionally charged period. I was just thinking: static cling emotion! Like every dang time you think you're getting on with life, you find this sock attatched to your back. So is healing, then like fabric softener?

Why I should not trust my self diagnosis using "pop" psychology:

Music is important to me. Lyrics too. I love to sing (and sing very well, thank you!) but gave it up in the public domain a long time ago, because of a very visible disaster with my sibling, at church. But I sing to the ones I hold dear to my heart; my mom and until lately my spouse. There are a few friends I sing for, too.

Sad songs get right to the guts of my feelings. Oddly, they do not depress me but instead lift my spirits because someone in the universe has been here before... My new favorite song for this period in my life is called "Lincoln Avenue", by Train on their new Private Nation CD . BTW, Train is my fav-o-rite band. Anyways, find the Lyrics
here.

Last Sunday we went to the movies and listened to that CD on the way home. Even though I've owned it since June, we weren't sad then ... not in this place in our lives, so it didn't have the knee-bringing-to effect that it did a week ago. I think it was after listening to the CD that I started to lean off of the fence -- the fence of "will I stay or go". It's frightening to think that music is that powerful in my life. Emotions are magnified through music that suits my mood.

....A word about why I left...
Obviously it doesn't have anything to do with the music or my feelings regarding it. Have you ever experienced something that wasn't quite right, that you didn't really understand, but you could never put your finger on it? And after a long period of time, you suddenly gain an instant of perfect clarity, and you are never the same again? Sometimes it can be experienced in academics... like insight in solving an algebra equation. Other times, like mine, it's all about people. You feel like you are waiting for the tide to turn for about 3 years, and then when it does, you say "yeah.. I shoulda seen that coming." You know what? I did see that coming.

Now admitting to myself that it was happening is rather foreign. Who would ever admit that their marriage is over? There are no role-models for calling it quits! Can you imagine books and magazines dedicated to "What to wear when you know it's over" and "How to plan a memorable divorce dinner". There could be chocolates wrapped in tiny print-outs of your stock portfolia or divorce decree, which you would pass to family and friends. Oh, I know.. a show on Oprah "She left, and you can too!"

Everyone has that imaginary line in the sand. Sometimes it's crossed over in secret, in the middle of the night, and when the crossing is discovered, all of a sudden it's just over. Sometimes your spouse gets nearer and nearer the line, and tippy-toes across it over the course of months or years or even decades. In my case, we were both kinda eyeing it and advancing and retreating. Some time ago I just stood in front of that imaginary line and found he was standing there too. Nose to nose, we eyed eachother and poked eachother in the chest and huffed and puffed and he backed away... far away. I stood still, contemplating my next move, when he came back... running like a freight train on greased rails. Completely friggin' bowled me over. Yes, I mean to intimate that this feels a lot like a train wreck.

So I am almost finished moving...
Probably I'll finish today or tomorrow. I hate this. My feelings do not run like a faucet, and there is nothing to stop them. My sister-in-law told me that it is like putting a band-aid over open heart surgery. Um-hmm.

I haven't slept in a million years and I haven't eaten since 6 o'clock last night. Four a.m. sucks no matter if you wake up then, the party is just getting good, or if you are on the long side of a 10 hour overnight shift.

My personal life is in shambles, but I have more hope than ever, for the future. I am certain of what I have to offer. I am certain that I will be alright. You wonder why the ambivalence? Because I don't really trust myself after all of this time.

What happened? I fell in love. I got married two years later. Even then, I was only 20. Now I'm 30 and for the past three years I've been trying to convince myself that this hasn't all been a big mistake.

Today I will take a second load of boxes to my new apartment. My friend is bringing some furniture this morning as soon as I leave the office. The apartment manager said about me yesterday after I told her I was leaving home "I know the look... a lot of us have been there before."

Then please tell me why I feel so alone?