Truly, Madly, Deeply: An Open Letter to LaMar

Sometimes I think about you...
or I'll tell someone about something we did together...
and this amazing happiness and warmth fills my heart

You approach life with this wide-eyed wonderment...
almost child-like, but not naive...
it makes me feel a little more innocent and
a little more loving toward the world
when I see your gut-reaction of appreciation and
excitement about the things around you

I'm actually pinching myself right now,
and there are tears welling up in my eyes
because I am so happy to know that you
love me..
just as much as I love you.

I love you LaMar.
Only you
Always you...

-Your Dorothy Marie

The Run-Down

I am happy, scared, sad, tired, stressed and LIVID. Here's the rundown:

Happy: LaMar and I continue to develop an emotionally stable and satisfying relationship. He comes here, I go there, we exist and coexist and it's gooooood.

Scared: LaMar's employment struggles are ending, but financial woes continue. A question: how do I know if this is a way of life for him, or just a short-term difficult period? My concern goes directly to the next question, which is: How would that word if there was a family involved?

Sad: I wish my family was here. It's awfully lonely in this state by myself.

Tired: School and work. I've been busy lately.

Stressed: School.


LIVID: Othello was dating this gal that is the former next-door neighbor of my friend Babs (I mentioned her frequently in my blog in 2006 - she was being treated for breast cancer at the time). Anyways, this gal, Emily, was sweet and nice, but a bit possessive (so I thought). Now after their break-up, it's a game of he said/she said that ended in Othello intimating that I, Dorothy wanted him back (that's why I'm around so much... no, not that I live two blocks from him or that we were friends or anything like that).

Something's wrong with that boy. He needs help.


One Last thing: I decided to spend two weeks with my family over the holidays. It was no fun spending it with Othello last year - I think that's when he decided he didn't love me (the minute after he asked me to have his babies "and everything that goes with it"...) So i'm going home. Jayleigh suggested that I take mom to her therapist and have a group session trying to work through some of the issues she has with LaMar. We'll see. I'll get to play music with my sister and snowboard with my brother. Yay!

Lamar, Lumumba, Lambada, Lalala!

Lamar has an interview today. He is so excited to have a job again, that uses his talents. Unfortunately this one does not. But he'll be bringing in the bank. Which is just fine.

He and I have had a rough couple of days due to the busy-ness of our lives. I just want to collapse into his arms and allow my heart to soften up from my rough week.

My housewarming party is on Saturday. It'll be fun, but all of my friends, Romans and countrymen are expected to arrive! Will post pictures and other notes later.

Waiting for Lamar

It is nearing the end of the week... and so either I am headed to the City or Lamar is headed to me in just over 36 hours. There have not been near the number of phone calls this week and we are assuring eachother that is a necessary step to realize in our growing relationship.

Although we are not quiet by nature, we still observe the Five Minutes of Silence each time we meet. In fact, much of the time we spend together is of a quiet, agreeable nature.

Lamar continues to assure me that we are made to be together.... that in fact, we are perfect compliments. I continue to trust him, believe in the potential that we have together, and ultimately, I have faith that my mom will come around and realize that breaking her stereotypes will hurt a lot less than shutting this wonderful man out of her life.

Although it has not happened in the past month... I fully intend upon falling in love with this man. It heartens me that he is not pushing me to go fast. As a matter of fact, he is not saying things like "I always say I love you last" or "I just don't fall in love"... and fecal matter of that nature.

Together we navigate the waters of "getting to know you" and heading swiftly toward the "I want you so bad"... but we have marked that off-limits until the "Love you so much" area has been completed in fullness....

Oh Lamar.... don't tell anyone my secret!

Lamar... Lamar... wherefore art thou Lamar?

Last Monday, I drove to his neighborhood in SF. Being unemployed in a big city, I was afraid that Lamar would have us sit around in his dank apartment for hours, and then try to kiss me goodnight (and fail, because I would not let him).

Where is my faith? What happened to my faith in humanity? Have I become so jaded that I forgot how to have fun? How to laugh, how to love? He cooked spaghetti dinner for me, and we shared the rot-gut wine that he could afford. Plus we went for a delightful walk in a tony neighborhood, got ice-cream cones and watched a movie and kissed for two hours back at his place. There were talks about trust, about desires for the future, and pledges of honesty.

Hours of phone conversations brought us through the week. Crappy luck between the two of us made for lots to talk about. A few conversations with my mom gave us more to talk about.

A mere 5 days later, Lamar trekked to see me here again. A number of things prevented us from seeing each other from morning to night (those damn freight trains!), so the dear man stayed overnight at my place. Such a gentleman this one! Swoon :)

Taking him to the train station, I realized that looking in his face, I can no longer see his colour as something unique about him. A number of times, I felt people staring at us. It upset him to the point of mentioning it to me several times.... I told him that it was simply because people saw us as a striking couple. He liked that... yay :)

Sharing a long walk, seeing friends and former dates at the coffee shop... we shared hopes, dreams, and became more invested in each other's lives.

Stay tuned for part of a love-note written by dear Lamar. Seriously, it's totally appropriate.

Hormones are Bad... sometimes

Every girl has to admit that the bitchy-PMS hormones are enough to create havoc where there was peace, to create drama where there was harmony. But I contend that it also makes us hyper-sensitive to people invading our spaces, who may be up to no good.

Since my last post, there've been a number of first-date disasters. But what do I care? It's only a first date, right? I get to know people... start having a crush on them... meet them and realize they're close to 300 lbs and eat sweets but appear that they will have diabetes in the near future. Or, they are really cute, have a good job, but worship "the Universe"... instead of, say, God.

The early-morning dread when I wake up has gotten worse... but it has prompted me to pray for inner peace and comfort, and the will "not to do anything stupid".... I'm so busy I don't know when I ever had time to date!

I Forgive You: A Blanket Pardon

My daily devotional that I read each morning (even now, I'm still in bed and just read it), spoke of incurring God's judgment each time we judge another person. "Judge not, lest ye be judged?" Yes, apparently the reason we judge not, is that on Judgment Day, our own judgments against others is the basis on which God intends to judge us.... which definitely puts a new spin on things...

Here's the devotional so you can read it yourself...

So why am I still talking? Because it is necessary for me to first forgive, and then ask forgiveness for my judgments, my instances of hating some people. Even though I thought i was totally justified at the time... another day CANNOT go by without my making things right.

Pre-18 years old:
I do not hate the people who got better grades than me, who were better in sports, who had boyfriends when I did not. I forgive the ones who did wrong to me by making light of my lack of financial aptitude, to the ones who made fun of me for other things, and especially for my 4th grade best friend, for abandoning me by going into a better class... (and she knows what she did in 5th grade, but I don't hate her for that anymore either).

This is really reaching... but I told a lie in kindergarten that someone shoved me and I hit my chin. I am truly sorry for this lie, because I just wanted that boy to get into trouble, which he did. In 7th grade, I did another stupid thing (similar) and my mom was very defensive and got involved. She found me out on that one and I was mortified. So to all of the people involved in these... I'm sorry. I was 100% wrong: Please forgive me.

The original Rainbow Boy truly did wrong against my person. I was confused about it and really focused my hatred of him against members of my own family. I'm sorry for this. And even though what he did was unconsionable... I actually forgive him too. And his parents, as it was really their faults for bringing up a rapist and not bringing up someone more sensitive.

The Farmer Boy and the Boyscout were both casualties after the fact, and it was a confusing time in my life. So to everyone I dated, I forgive you: Please forgive me.

18-30
I met Nelson on my 19th Birthday. He deserves his own category because everything in that period of time was tinted by him: His parents, my parents, our coworkers, our schooling, our neighbors, his depression, my anger and controlling.

To everyone associated with a negative thought or emotion in this period of my life: truly, I am sorry. Coworkers and bosses were a distinct casualty here. And again, I always thought I'd had the best reasons for hate. But hate is tiring. Grudges take up so much energy. So I forgive them, I forgive family and in-laws and classmates and Nelson. I am truly sorry for my part in the reasons that I was angry and held hatred. I humble myself here when I ask for your forgiveness.

> 30

There are a lot of men that I feel tried to use me for my youth, beauty, intelligence, etc. To the ones I simply dated: I never hated you, but certainly was upset when you didn't call back. So I forgive you for that. To the ones who I was in a relationship with: wow... y'all made a huge impact on my life, and though I had a commitment in my sights, neither of you did. I was truly in love, and it hurts to have that taken willingly, but not returned. The only thing left for me to do is to forgive you ... and ask if you can pray for me that I will one day be strong enough to ask forgiveness for my part (my weakness, my faltering, my deep seeded desire to be loved).

Also a number of coworkers have fallen victim to my jabber-jaws... While it's true that I "only" point out things that are true... it's not very nice. And therefore I always question and feel insecure, that someone is judging me the same way... which they probably do, and have. I ask that they would find it in my heart to forgive. Even when I feel wronged.. .maybe they do too.

Funny - I'm listening to the radio, and they're asking parents for advice if they could go back and do it all over. They all said "I'd go back and not be so judgmental"... talk about timing.

Anyways, I'm sorry for the wrong I've done.. and I've done a lot of it. But I would also like to ask for a blanket pardon. And my heart has to be truly in the right place for that pardon. So I humble myself and pray that God, in his wisdom, would allow me to make things right by praying for the situations in question.

The most I can ever hope for is for God to allow me to be forgiven one day. Until then I'll keep trying.

Peace,

Dot.

You're Still the One.... But...

Othello and I have spent a lot of time together. Even since the corporate reorganization of Us, he's a fixture in my life. But I can't shake this feeling of him still being my partner.

And he's not my partner... but ... eehh...

Pray for me to have the strength to follow my heart and follow the plan that the Lord has for me?

'Dat girl's got swagger!

In speaking with my counselor over the last several sessions... I AM the strong woman that I admire... The knowledge and drive is there and ... can actually get all of the stuff done, that I dream of.

So what's the dealio? Why can't this Dorothy-gal see that? Oh wait... because she is ever-self-critical. Her supporters all say she's da-bomb. But she refuses to see it.

You might be wondering at this point... "What did Dot do, that was so awesome?" I did something this week. I did it and I wasn't afraid! I, Dorothy Gale told Othello what is needed for the relationship to reach the next level.... I told him and didn't back down. Frankly this girl's getting restless and bored. If there is no future with O, I'd rather move on.

The problem? He's my best friend and I don't want to move on. So the only solution was to tell him how I felt and ask if it was time to give up. He said "hang in there for me".... and "keep your faith" and such.

Confidence and strength, po-tweet, that's swagger!

Go With What You Know!

What is that bible verse about trusting God and not your gut? You know the one ... it's something to do with the fact that emotions are fallible, but God's truth is something that you can believe in, even when you don't feel it....

Anyways, I think it's that way with relationships too. I've been incredibly stressed out lately, what with school and work stress. Every time I'm way-stressed at work, I start to think that something is wrong with my relationship with Othello. Even when he reassures me that things have never been better, I get all "jiggy" (his words) about us.

Those words - the ones that are escaping me, but their thoughts do not - have been immensely comforting to me these past few days, as I hold concerns about who I am and where I am headed. The fact is... I'm the same girl as ever... and the same circumstances behold me as always.

Othello is a total gem - especially when I'm too busy for everything. He did my laundry last week and cooked for us several times. I need to get used to the fact that even though we're not offically partners ... he's my partner and I look to him for support and friendship and love. It's nice.

"Jesus Saves!"

When we were about 8 or 9, me and Jay and JD (my older brother, whose name I use so infrequently in my blog, I can't even remember what I call him) liked to put things to the test. So when Mom used to say that Jesus would save us from anything as long as we uttered His name.... we were instantly thinking the same thing....

The plan was for one or more of us to jump down the stairs (12 steps) whilst yelling "Jesus"... because of course, Jesus would save us and we wouldn't get hurt. Yeah right. So no one wanted to go first. Man I was standing there on the landing at the top and it just looked...so...far...down.

So we went and found the black cat, Sammy, and while yelling "Jesus", we threw her down instead. Probably two or three times. She lived, so our experiment "worked" and "Jesus Saved".

Praise the Lord!

A "Spiritual 911"?

The incident of the pastor of the new life church in Colorado is admitting his guilt in the sex-meth scandal over the past week. In my mind, this is hyprocracy at its very worst.

Now don't got and get angry with me: I'm not suggesting that he has to be perfect. However it's important to recognize that being a Human is an incredibly weak place to start... that we need to do the best we can, but ask for help when we can't.

I hate that lots of people are saying that this pastor was the center of the church. Their faith should be placed in Jesus, and not in a single, weak, human being. Likewise they should not lose faith in God for the actions of this weak man.... instead they should use the opportunity to be honest about their own shortcomings... and to be more tolerant, understanding, and most of all, helpful to those whose shortcomings can damage themselves and others.

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On another note... it's still very fun, settling into the relationship with Othello. He is truly someone that I have opened my heart to... It's really nice.