Sick! Sick! Sick!

That's me: mono-girl for the last entire month!!! I haven't been working. Only attending class, doing homework, and allowing friends to come over to check on me from time to time.

It's really boring. Really... freaking... boring... But I've stopped consuming pre-packaged food (except for the 2 mini brownie bites from Starbux on the way to class), and comPLETELY stopped drinking coffee. Did I ever profess my undying love for coffee? Because I love it. Utterly. But it doesn't love me, my tummy or my nervous system. And thus I've stopped. I'm eating fresh veggies every day. No red meat. Fresh fruit. I love California. Produce... with a heavy emphasis on the "fabulous".

Still incredibly fatigued, and starting to wonder if I'll ever get better and be able to go to the gym again. I had myself convinced that I had some rare and horrible disease, the likes of which I would never recover. Imagine my happiness that it's only mononucleosis? But it's beleaguering. It's draining me.

___

But with all of this free time, it's occurred to me that, with the notable exception of the lack of a partner and babies... I've accomplished all of my major life's goals. And I'm only in my mid 30s! I've exceeded Expectations! Even my own!

All summer, I vowed to go without goals. This was scary for me, because frankly, I always feel that if one is not growing, they are dying (always my harsh words.. always they come back to bite me in the ass). So I've felt weird and without goals until a few weeks ago when I discovered something and thought to myself "I should do something about that".

Well, much to my chagrin and that of my "never-wanna-be-an-African-Missionary" sister... I learned that in my field, data from Africa is scarce. Not because it's not there, but because it hadn't been published in English. And I thought to myself, oh-so-casually... "huh... I should go and do something about that".

Hold the presses. I just said what??? I just said, "I, Dorothy Gale, of Kansas, but not in Kansas, wish to go to Africa and rectify the lack of climate data". I said it. I basically said that I want to be a missionary. For my cause.

Jayleigh once said that we have to be willing when we hear the call. That's why she and I both prayed and prayed and prayed that we would never hear the call to Africa. We were scared. But of what? The unknown? Who knows now... it just seemed horrible.

But we never knew one thing: God would never make us go do something without making us WANT it.... He gives us the desire. The one that I have now.

____

LaMar wants to go to Africa. Very Bad. See how this is coming full circle? We spent the first year of our dating relationship at home, dreaming and scheming about the future. He's not a dreamer nor a schemer. It's hard when it's like that.

But I swear I've never felt like this toward another human being. I've noticed that I'm keeping my mouth shut more because NOT that I like it or it's easy... but because I care about him and want him to know that I value his words. It sometimes scares me that I care about his happiness and our happiness as a couple, just as much as I care about my own... but isn't that the way it's supposed to work?

Apparently, I'd always just assumed that the planets and sun orbited around me. Not anymore. I want a partner. I want this partner.

Dot.

It all Blended together

Jayleigh mentioned synesthesia to me the other day... it's like when all of your senses mingle together and you can "taste" a colour, smell a number, etc. Some people have this condition, and I can appreciate its uniqueness. Today I opened a book of short stories and "Synesthesia" was the title of it. A woman was remembering her late husband (by the same name as my Othello) and talking about an "Othello" rose that she planted in remembrance of him.

Over the Thanksgiving weekend, I started thinking what would happen to me if anything bad ever happened to my Othello. My world is wrapped up in the plans we are making together. As we continue to learn about eachother, likes and dislikes, personality quirks and the like... we fall deeply in love.

Watching the new Hugh Jackman movie called "The Fountain"... I sympathized deeply with the character Tommy who was losing Izzy, his wife. He went to the ends of the earth and beyond, to "save" her. It spoke so deeply to the place in my heart that has found a mate in Othello. The bonding, the love, the partnership....

Sometimes Othello says I tell him "I love you" too often. He doesn't realize that my heart is so happy and full since he has been in my life, that it just pops out automatically! Because I do love him, in fact, I care more about him and this relationship than I have ever cared about another man. While some may think it is easy to say that... this is a deeper, more complete relationship than has ever been experienced in my life.

When my love overflows and comes out of my eyes in the form of tears... when the words form a lump in my throat because they come out so strong, so fast, so often... as a hug turns into an aching heart because I love "us" so much that it hurts... I am grateful, thankful, and glad to be with my Othello.