I hated that stupid song by Natalie Imbruglia.....
But lately, that' exactly how I'm feeling. There is so much pain in her voice when she's singing..maybe I just didn't like it because it's depressing to me???

With all of the crap that I dealt with during my marriage... 1) That my husband wasn't happy and it was my fault, 2) That I was a bad wife and that is why he was so cold to me, 3) That some inadquacy on my part was to blame for him not being a responsible spouse, 4) That his ambivilance toward life could be cured by extra motivation on my part... you'd think I could just cut my losses and walk away. But think about it: for a dozen years, I was doing everything in my power to help him. In retrospect, I realize that it was probably not so helpful to him that I was attempting to make his life so good. I enabled him to live in a cloistered little shell while I went off and conquered the world. That's not to say that it's my fault that my marriage fell apart, that I was to blame for the abusiveness that was moving in my direction. Hindsight is 20/20, but perhapsly I didn't have to let it go on... perhapsly I did not need to play the victim.

Last night... he showed up in my dreams
I was walking along and he came out of nowhere and picked me up. Do you think my heart is just mourning for what shoulda been, and isn't? He never picked me up in real life. Not even on our wedding night. There was no lifting me over the threshold... no gallant carrying me to bed... Ever. Not even when I was on crutches for months after my leg surgery a few years back. "Mr. Dorothy" was not a traditional man. When we first met, I thought he was just accepting of an a-traditional relationship. In many ways now, he seems quite lazy rather than accepting.

So now the question is on the table: I know more counseling is in order, and it's on the books. However I fear that I'm making enemies, like I'm letting down those who've helped me to this point, because I miss my spouse. All of the old regrets are at the forefront of my mind. Although there is no disputing what happened.. I can't get out of my head, that once upon a time, we were really in love.

Mad Love
Didja ever see that movie? It came out 2 years after my wedding. And I thought of us from the beginning. It wasn't ever normal. I remember at times we criticised other couples for being boring. Funny the plank in my eye when I was picking the speck out of yers. Reality dictates that things were, what I considered to be relatively normal for probably 80-90% of the time. However that was with me walking on pins and needles, and egg-shells, and broken glass, and hot coals for most of the time... trying to get him not to go off the deep end at me.

To Him:
I'm not gonna call you... do you understand? No emails, no letters, no visits outside of financial records and mail pickups. Don't bother buying me a birthday gift, because I don't want it. There was always a lot of pain in our relationship, and something about the way we were together always made me feel inadequate. In my friendships with other people... I don't feel like I am odd or lacking. My instincts are good and it makes me know that YOU were the mal-adjusted one.

And now you've started showing up in my dreams. That's just great. Why are you there? What am I missing? What did I do to deserve this? Stay the Hell out of my DREAMS! I don't need this grief when I'm trying to move forward with my life. You made me feel like less than a woman. Less than a human. All while telling me how proud you were of me! I don't see how you got me to thinking it was all my fault. I don't believe you ever truly meant to manipulate me... although that's exactly what you did.

Mr. Dorothy, you were no fun to live with. My days and nights were consumed with the balance between your happiness and mine. Why should I feel guilty and bad for feeling the way I do? I know we were married... but it was like you were attemping to be boring, just to ruffle my feathers... But it goes farther than that... you killed my spirit.

After you killed me dead, I felt a spark of life coming from somwhere. I was waking up from what sounded like a nightmare, but was instead real. Coming out from under the shroud, I was torn (see the aforementioned song) between what was conventionally considered "right", and what I knew was true in my own heart. That fluttering beating ragged heart that I mentioned once in a poem... it was growing into a beautiful soul once again. The substandard position that I had willingly assumed in our marriage was no longer acceptable... hell, it should *never* have been acceptable. But I started growing and doing something about it.

Recently I called someone by your name -- and I did more than once. I think it came off as insulting to the person... but actually, I've been calling a lot of people by your name lately. My brain is probably sorry about everything that happened. But I know also that it wasn't my fault, what happened. You were the bad one... not me.

WAMHAS
The other day I was chatting with my mom, and she told me to not let my heart become hardened... that God has picked out someone else to be in my life someday, and that I need to be receptive to it. She is right. There is a guy who is made for me, and someday.. I'll stand in front of God and everyone, and declare it. In my mind's eye, he is charming and funny, motivated and intelligent, patient, kind, and will be a good daddy. I don't care if he has been married in the past, and already has kids... Just as long as he has learned from the past, I'm up to the challenge.

While I'm sure I won't be getting married again for... let's say 3 years... at least.... I can say this for certain: Husband of the future, I want to be mentally well and well adjusted... not just for you, but for me, and our gonna-be babies. I'm hurting right now, but when we finally do meet, and we finally do start a life together, I'll be okay. Until then, I'll work on me every day until I'm perfect for you (do me a favor and make yourself perfect for me to, okay?).