I started a new job at the same work place. Finally getting ready to go back to the gym and realizing how content I am with life.
That mono-bout really knocked me in my bum, but the fatigue has finally lightened up.
Good friends, good family, awesome man in my life. Sigh. It's all good baby.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Sick! Sick! Sick!
That's me: mono-girl for the last entire month!!! I haven't been working. Only attending class, doing homework, and allowing friends to come over to check on me from time to time.
It's really boring. Really... freaking... boring... But I've stopped consuming pre-packaged food (except for the 2 mini brownie bites from Starbux on the way to class), and comPLETELY stopped drinking coffee. Did I ever profess my undying love for coffee? Because I love it. Utterly. But it doesn't love me, my tummy or my nervous system. And thus I've stopped. I'm eating fresh veggies every day. No red meat. Fresh fruit. I love California. Produce... with a heavy emphasis on the "fabulous".
Still incredibly fatigued, and starting to wonder if I'll ever get better and be able to go to the gym again. I had myself convinced that I had some rare and horrible disease, the likes of which I would never recover. Imagine my happiness that it's only mononucleosis? But it's beleaguering. It's draining me.
___
But with all of this free time, it's occurred to me that, with the notable exception of the lack of a partner and babies... I've accomplished all of my major life's goals. And I'm only in my mid 30s! I've exceeded Expectations! Even my own!
All summer, I vowed to go without goals. This was scary for me, because frankly, I always feel that if one is not growing, they are dying (always my harsh words.. always they come back to bite me in the ass). So I've felt weird and without goals until a few weeks ago when I discovered something and thought to myself "I should do something about that".
Well, much to my chagrin and that of my "never-wanna-be-an-African-Missionary" sister... I learned that in my field, data from Africa is scarce. Not because it's not there, but because it hadn't been published in English. And I thought to myself, oh-so-casually... "huh... I should go and do something about that".
Hold the presses. I just said what??? I just said, "I, Dorothy Gale, of Kansas, but not in Kansas, wish to go to Africa and rectify the lack of climate data". I said it. I basically said that I want to be a missionary. For my cause.
Jayleigh once said that we have to be willing when we hear the call. That's why she and I both prayed and prayed and prayed that we would never hear the call to Africa. We were scared. But of what? The unknown? Who knows now... it just seemed horrible.
But we never knew one thing: God would never make us go do something without making us WANT it.... He gives us the desire. The one that I have now.
____
LaMar wants to go to Africa. Very Bad. See how this is coming full circle? We spent the first year of our dating relationship at home, dreaming and scheming about the future. He's not a dreamer nor a schemer. It's hard when it's like that.
But I swear I've never felt like this toward another human being. I've noticed that I'm keeping my mouth shut more because NOT that I like it or it's easy... but because I care about him and want him to know that I value his words. It sometimes scares me that I care about his happiness and our happiness as a couple, just as much as I care about my own... but isn't that the way it's supposed to work?
Apparently, I'd always just assumed that the planets and sun orbited around me. Not anymore. I want a partner. I want this partner.
Dot.
It's really boring. Really... freaking... boring... But I've stopped consuming pre-packaged food (except for the 2 mini brownie bites from Starbux on the way to class), and comPLETELY stopped drinking coffee. Did I ever profess my undying love for coffee? Because I love it. Utterly. But it doesn't love me, my tummy or my nervous system. And thus I've stopped. I'm eating fresh veggies every day. No red meat. Fresh fruit. I love California. Produce... with a heavy emphasis on the "fabulous".
Still incredibly fatigued, and starting to wonder if I'll ever get better and be able to go to the gym again. I had myself convinced that I had some rare and horrible disease, the likes of which I would never recover. Imagine my happiness that it's only mononucleosis? But it's beleaguering. It's draining me.
___
But with all of this free time, it's occurred to me that, with the notable exception of the lack of a partner and babies... I've accomplished all of my major life's goals. And I'm only in my mid 30s! I've exceeded Expectations! Even my own!
All summer, I vowed to go without goals. This was scary for me, because frankly, I always feel that if one is not growing, they are dying (always my harsh words.. always they come back to bite me in the ass). So I've felt weird and without goals until a few weeks ago when I discovered something and thought to myself "I should do something about that".
Well, much to my chagrin and that of my "never-wanna-be-an-African-Missionary" sister... I learned that in my field, data from Africa is scarce. Not because it's not there, but because it hadn't been published in English. And I thought to myself, oh-so-casually... "huh... I should go and do something about that".
Hold the presses. I just said what??? I just said, "I, Dorothy Gale, of Kansas, but not in Kansas, wish to go to Africa and rectify the lack of climate data". I said it. I basically said that I want to be a missionary. For my cause.
Jayleigh once said that we have to be willing when we hear the call. That's why she and I both prayed and prayed and prayed that we would never hear the call to Africa. We were scared. But of what? The unknown? Who knows now... it just seemed horrible.
But we never knew one thing: God would never make us go do something without making us WANT it.... He gives us the desire. The one that I have now.
____
LaMar wants to go to Africa. Very Bad. See how this is coming full circle? We spent the first year of our dating relationship at home, dreaming and scheming about the future. He's not a dreamer nor a schemer. It's hard when it's like that.
But I swear I've never felt like this toward another human being. I've noticed that I'm keeping my mouth shut more because NOT that I like it or it's easy... but because I care about him and want him to know that I value his words. It sometimes scares me that I care about his happiness and our happiness as a couple, just as much as I care about my own... but isn't that the way it's supposed to work?
Apparently, I'd always just assumed that the planets and sun orbited around me. Not anymore. I want a partner. I want this partner.
Dot.
Monday, September 01, 2008
BB love, or, addiction!
I'm totally blogging this from my bed, using the new blackberry! It's SO a step up from the old laptop... Lighter and quieter.
So basically I got the $30/month data plan with my phone & have founf that I don't really use (utilize) it that much. But the GPS feature that I DO want is a mere $10 more/ month. Grrrrrr!
Therefore I am attempting to exhibit restraint. So..... Difficult..... WHERE AM I? Checkung GPS... I'm in BED, still.
So basically I got the $30/month data plan with my phone & have founf that I don't really use (utilize) it that much. But the GPS feature that I DO want is a mere $10 more/ month. Grrrrrr!
Therefore I am attempting to exhibit restraint. So..... Difficult..... WHERE AM I? Checkung GPS... I'm in BED, still.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
"Fine"
Wow.... I missed my "Divorce-a-versary" this year by many weeks. It's been four years. Over 4 years.
However, I didn't forget the 11-month anniversary with LaMar. Wow... I remember when starting to date M.W. and Othello, I was always on here talking... constantly, incessantly. I've moved into a different mode of my life and it's not so important anymore to write, because I'm LIVING instead.... :-)
Damn, it feels good to finally be out from under that cloud!
Peace.
Dot.
However, I didn't forget the 11-month anniversary with LaMar. Wow... I remember when starting to date M.W. and Othello, I was always on here talking... constantly, incessantly. I've moved into a different mode of my life and it's not so important anymore to write, because I'm LIVING instead.... :-)
Damn, it feels good to finally be out from under that cloud!
Peace.
Dot.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Failed Attempts
If therapy has shown me anything, it’s not to regret the past, but to find good in all of it… even in failed attempts (The Justin Ferrin Song,by the same name, is a fave of mine).
Nelson was very funny. He had a sense of humor and tried to do right. He gobbled up the Bible and even though his sense of leadership was woefully misguided, he wanted to do well.
His curls were legendary and his twitching lip was precious. I liked his feet, and legs. He liked mint body-wash and that was cute, too.
We always thought the world was so small, so limiting, but we were trying to be happy – even amidst a wreck of a home and a mess. He did try to provide for me, even through his foolish attempts to appease what he thought I wanted.
I loved Nelson with my whole heart and his mental illness coupled with the violence he learned over the years, smashed and splintered what was left of our decade-long marriage. One of my saddest regrets is that I was trying to make it work and he wouldn’t get help so he could try too.
There is a part of me that will always always always love what I thought we shared together. He had a beautiful heart when it wasn’t messed up and psycho.
And now I know…. Nel’s lack of following his dreams for fear of being unsuccessful and my lack of support is what I learned – that the thing I’ve been doing all along – following my childhood dreams is what makes me happiest!
Mister Wonderful, on the other hand, showed me more passion in 3 years, than I’d felt in the previous 30… with the possible exception of a high-school boyfriend that I loved, but who the timing was all wrong, with. Our infatuation for one another grew to an ardor that I could scarcely explain in words. In my whole life – let alone in my 30s (not my teens) – never did I expect to be so powerful with feeling toward a single man.
Since we fell in love over the phone (his company was a client of mine), there was absolutely no physical attraction. We didn’t even meet for nearly a year. When asked by my sister what I saw in him, I said that we respected each other.
Yes, it’s true; I never said passion. We had a mutual love for our shared field of study… even a few other things. It lasted for 3 years but fell apart very quickly when it became apparent there was no common goals for the future.
Othello is the love that never should’ve been. When I decided to advertise on Match.com for a boyfriend, I said that I was looking for a friend first. Well I found a friend. We were involved for 10 months of which most was semi-miserable, but it kept me from being lonely.
The last six months we dated, we learned how to be friends. It broke my heart when we broke up, because although we were both very wrong for one another, if I hadn’t required that he be in love with me, we would have married and had kids. Because why? Because he was stable.
He taught me what it was to be normal, and that normal could be really satisfying. He often said “you deserve to be happy” or “you are a good person”. In retrospect, settling for him would have been the only mistake bigger than my marrying Nel.
The truth is that Othello ended up being both boring and passive-aggressive, with a total and complete lack of intimacy. But I was still settling down from the anger after my divorce, and it worked out nicely to have a dose of passion, and then stability before meeting the love of my life.
If this post were a musical, I'd now break into a chorus of "A Whole New World" from the musical cartoon movie, Aladdin.
Cuz now I'm in a whole new world with you....
Yeah... LaMar... woot. I'm finally feeling like letting all of that stuff go.
Dot.
P.S. After ruminating on this post for the weekend, I'm feeling really good about where things are going with LaMar. It upsets my mom that I change the names of all of the people on this blog, in order to protect the identity of the innocent... but LaMar is an amazing man and anyone who knows me in life, knows who he really is. No secrets there!
Nelson was very funny. He had a sense of humor and tried to do right. He gobbled up the Bible and even though his sense of leadership was woefully misguided, he wanted to do well.
His curls were legendary and his twitching lip was precious. I liked his feet, and legs. He liked mint body-wash and that was cute, too.
We always thought the world was so small, so limiting, but we were trying to be happy – even amidst a wreck of a home and a mess. He did try to provide for me, even through his foolish attempts to appease what he thought I wanted.
I loved Nelson with my whole heart and his mental illness coupled with the violence he learned over the years, smashed and splintered what was left of our decade-long marriage. One of my saddest regrets is that I was trying to make it work and he wouldn’t get help so he could try too.
There is a part of me that will always always always love what I thought we shared together. He had a beautiful heart when it wasn’t messed up and psycho.
And now I know…. Nel’s lack of following his dreams for fear of being unsuccessful and my lack of support is what I learned – that the thing I’ve been doing all along – following my childhood dreams is what makes me happiest!
Mister Wonderful, on the other hand, showed me more passion in 3 years, than I’d felt in the previous 30… with the possible exception of a high-school boyfriend that I loved, but who the timing was all wrong, with. Our infatuation for one another grew to an ardor that I could scarcely explain in words. In my whole life – let alone in my 30s (not my teens) – never did I expect to be so powerful with feeling toward a single man.
Since we fell in love over the phone (his company was a client of mine), there was absolutely no physical attraction. We didn’t even meet for nearly a year. When asked by my sister what I saw in him, I said that we respected each other.
Yes, it’s true; I never said passion. We had a mutual love for our shared field of study… even a few other things. It lasted for 3 years but fell apart very quickly when it became apparent there was no common goals for the future.
Othello is the love that never should’ve been. When I decided to advertise on Match.com for a boyfriend, I said that I was looking for a friend first. Well I found a friend. We were involved for 10 months of which most was semi-miserable, but it kept me from being lonely.
The last six months we dated, we learned how to be friends. It broke my heart when we broke up, because although we were both very wrong for one another, if I hadn’t required that he be in love with me, we would have married and had kids. Because why? Because he was stable.
He taught me what it was to be normal, and that normal could be really satisfying. He often said “you deserve to be happy” or “you are a good person”. In retrospect, settling for him would have been the only mistake bigger than my marrying Nel.
The truth is that Othello ended up being both boring and passive-aggressive, with a total and complete lack of intimacy. But I was still settling down from the anger after my divorce, and it worked out nicely to have a dose of passion, and then stability before meeting the love of my life.
If this post were a musical, I'd now break into a chorus of "A Whole New World" from the musical cartoon movie, Aladdin.
Cuz now I'm in a whole new world with you....
Yeah... LaMar... woot. I'm finally feeling like letting all of that stuff go.
Dot.
P.S. After ruminating on this post for the weekend, I'm feeling really good about where things are going with LaMar. It upsets my mom that I change the names of all of the people on this blog, in order to protect the identity of the innocent... but LaMar is an amazing man and anyone who knows me in life, knows who he really is. No secrets there!
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