LaMar's birthday is tomorrow and he's coming to see me because I still have a cold and didn't feel like traveling this weekend. I've got a nice afternoon of movies, walks in the community rose garden (not the one-trick-pony trick rose garden), art galleries and my fav-o-rite Italian restaurant.
On another note..... Othello is on a date tonight with someone that he likes and is nice to. I went to see Bee Movie tonight at the same theater O and his date were at. No big whoop - they didn't see me. I don't really care other than that last year when I lived with him, we drove by the Christmas lights in my new neighborhood almost every night.
It seems like there were more Christmas lights last year. It all seems so melancholy to be home alone... be living alone, boyfriend lives out of town..
You know, I don't want to be with Othello. I don't think there was ever the kind of emotional fulfillment that I feel now. But then why does it feel so funky when I'm sitting here in the dark, enjoying the holiday lights in the neighborhood?
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Foul-Weather Friend, or, Happy Blog-o-versary!
I guess I'm just a bad blogger. I left Nelson 4 years ago and 1 week, today. Right before Thanksgiving.... I tried to stay. If you read the first two-three years of my blog, you would know that. Because I started my blog the very night that I left him.
Go ahead...read my first month-o-posts:
http://dorothyisnotinkansas.blogspot.com/2003_11_01_archive.html
In a nut-shell:
4 years.
1 ex husband.
2 ex boyfriends.
1 serious boyfriend.
5 places of residence.
1 car.
2 jobs.
483 posts.
Lots of rants. But I don't rant when I'm happy. So I haven't been posting. Sorry, fans!
Happy Blog-o-versary, Dorothy!
Love,
Dot.
Go ahead...read my first month-o-posts:
http://dorothyisnotinkansas.blogspot.com/2003_11_01_archive.html
In a nut-shell:
4 years.
1 ex husband.
2 ex boyfriends.
1 serious boyfriend.
5 places of residence.
1 car.
2 jobs.
483 posts.
Lots of rants. But I don't rant when I'm happy. So I haven't been posting. Sorry, fans!
Happy Blog-o-versary, Dorothy!
Love,
Dot.
Christmastime is Here
Go to iTunes. Go there right now. Get the Steve Vai rendition of the "Christmastime is Here" originally made fameous by the Peanuts' Christmas Special.
Also.... if you are hankering for a Dorothy-infused holiday.... get this Charlie Brown Christmas-Tree from Urban Outfitters:
Also.... if you are hankering for a Dorothy-infused holiday.... get this Charlie Brown Christmas-Tree from Urban Outfitters:
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
The Run-Down
I am happy, scared, sad, tired, stressed and LIVID. Here's the rundown:
Happy: LaMar and I continue to develop an emotionally stable and satisfying relationship. He comes here, I go there, we exist and coexist and it's gooooood.
Scared: LaMar's employment struggles are ending, but financial woes continue. A question: how do I know if this is a way of life for him, or just a short-term difficult period? My concern goes directly to the next question, which is: How would that word if there was a family involved?
Sad: I wish my family was here. It's awfully lonely in this state by myself.
Tired: School and work. I've been busy lately.
Stressed: School.
LIVID: Othello was dating this gal that is the former next-door neighbor of my friend Babs (I mentioned her frequently in my blog in 2006 - she was being treated for breast cancer at the time). Anyways, this gal, Emily, was sweet and nice, but a bit possessive (so I thought). Now after their break-up, it's a game of he said/she said that ended in Othello intimating that I, Dorothy wanted him back (that's why I'm around so much... no, not that I live two blocks from him or that we were friends or anything like that).
Something's wrong with that boy. He needs help.
One Last thing: I decided to spend two weeks with my family over the holidays. It was no fun spending it with Othello last year - I think that's when he decided he didn't love me (the minute after he asked me to have his babies "and everything that goes with it"...) So i'm going home. Jayleigh suggested that I take mom to her therapist and have a group session trying to work through some of the issues she has with LaMar. We'll see. I'll get to play music with my sister and snowboard with my brother. Yay!
Happy: LaMar and I continue to develop an emotionally stable and satisfying relationship. He comes here, I go there, we exist and coexist and it's gooooood.
Scared: LaMar's employment struggles are ending, but financial woes continue. A question: how do I know if this is a way of life for him, or just a short-term difficult period? My concern goes directly to the next question, which is: How would that word if there was a family involved?
Sad: I wish my family was here. It's awfully lonely in this state by myself.
Tired: School and work. I've been busy lately.
Stressed: School.
LIVID: Othello was dating this gal that is the former next-door neighbor of my friend Babs (I mentioned her frequently in my blog in 2006 - she was being treated for breast cancer at the time). Anyways, this gal, Emily, was sweet and nice, but a bit possessive (so I thought). Now after their break-up, it's a game of he said/she said that ended in Othello intimating that I, Dorothy wanted him back (that's why I'm around so much... no, not that I live two blocks from him or that we were friends or anything like that).
Something's wrong with that boy. He needs help.
One Last thing: I decided to spend two weeks with my family over the holidays. It was no fun spending it with Othello last year - I think that's when he decided he didn't love me (the minute after he asked me to have his babies "and everything that goes with it"...) So i'm going home. Jayleigh suggested that I take mom to her therapist and have a group session trying to work through some of the issues she has with LaMar. We'll see. I'll get to play music with my sister and snowboard with my brother. Yay!
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Lamar, Lumumba, Lambada, Lalala!
Lamar has an interview today. He is so excited to have a job again, that uses his talents. Unfortunately this one does not. But he'll be bringing in the bank. Which is just fine.
He and I have had a rough couple of days due to the busy-ness of our lives. I just want to collapse into his arms and allow my heart to soften up from my rough week.
My housewarming party is on Saturday. It'll be fun, but all of my friends, Romans and countrymen are expected to arrive! Will post pictures and other notes later.
He and I have had a rough couple of days due to the busy-ness of our lives. I just want to collapse into his arms and allow my heart to soften up from my rough week.
My housewarming party is on Saturday. It'll be fun, but all of my friends, Romans and countrymen are expected to arrive! Will post pictures and other notes later.
The Blue Angels
Lamar took me to see the Blue Angels at the Presedio last weekend.
The Blue Angels left a present for our blossoming relationship, right in the sky over the Bay:
The Blue Angels left a present for our blossoming relationship, right in the sky over the Bay:
Love Letter for Wednesday....
From Lamar:
Hey hey pretty lady,
What do you say??
It's time to savor
That Spanish flavor
To get a book
And drink the wine
There's not a one
Who is so fine
The beauty of you
Is so devine
Dorothy my sweet
I am for you
As you are for me
I know it's true
We go together
It's oh so new
But then in time
We always knew
That special things
Are meant for two
You best believe
That's me and you
Friday, October 05, 2007
Waiting for Lamar
It is nearing the end of the week... and so either I am headed to the City or Lamar is headed to me in just over 36 hours. There have not been near the number of phone calls this week and we are assuring eachother that is a necessary step to realize in our growing relationship.
Although we are not quiet by nature, we still observe the Five Minutes of Silence each time we meet. In fact, much of the time we spend together is of a quiet, agreeable nature.
Lamar continues to assure me that we are made to be together.... that in fact, we are perfect compliments. I continue to trust him, believe in the potential that we have together, and ultimately, I have faith that my mom will come around and realize that breaking her stereotypes will hurt a lot less than shutting this wonderful man out of her life.
Although it has not happened in the past month... I fully intend upon falling in love with this man. It heartens me that he is not pushing me to go fast. As a matter of fact, he is not saying things like "I always say I love you last" or "I just don't fall in love"... and fecal matter of that nature.
Together we navigate the waters of "getting to know you" and heading swiftly toward the "I want you so bad"... but we have marked that off-limits until the "Love you so much" area has been completed in fullness....
Oh Lamar.... don't tell anyone my secret!
Although we are not quiet by nature, we still observe the Five Minutes of Silence each time we meet. In fact, much of the time we spend together is of a quiet, agreeable nature.
Lamar continues to assure me that we are made to be together.... that in fact, we are perfect compliments. I continue to trust him, believe in the potential that we have together, and ultimately, I have faith that my mom will come around and realize that breaking her stereotypes will hurt a lot less than shutting this wonderful man out of her life.
Although it has not happened in the past month... I fully intend upon falling in love with this man. It heartens me that he is not pushing me to go fast. As a matter of fact, he is not saying things like "I always say I love you last" or "I just don't fall in love"... and fecal matter of that nature.
Together we navigate the waters of "getting to know you" and heading swiftly toward the "I want you so bad"... but we have marked that off-limits until the "Love you so much" area has been completed in fullness....
Oh Lamar.... don't tell anyone my secret!
Sunday, September 30, 2007
From Lamar, with ... not love yet... but ... anyways....
From Lamar - a note he wrote for me on the train....
It's you and it's me
Is it meant to be?
The chances we take
The love that we make
Is delayed for a while (the train)
but always in style
I promise to get to know you
And not jump the gun
And Yes
Your beauty and your fun
Arrests me like no small-time criminal
You know
You're so special
To me
It's a wonder
I tell you
I'm dying for a hug
The things that you send
The way that you do
The flow that we share
The Dorothy that is you
Is so special and true to me
Let's travel on and see
If we're meant to be
So far I know what's the answer
I will do right by you
Stay with me
So true
And you'll see that I'm no fool
My head and my heart
Won't betray or start
A step in the wrong kind of direction
The strength of you too
I'm open and true
And certainly I knew
That things for us could be great
So glad I can be
To you your big thing
I'm happy that I'm not too late
And one thing I know
That time sure will show
The greatness of wonder
That you are
If we follow the stars
And take time to start
Getting to know one another
I'm convinced that you'll see
That for you it is me
You'll know we are destined to be
No time to race
Just an easy pace
One day at a time
That's the way
I want your heart to know me
And that yes
Takes Time
Like I said
These journeys ain't easy
The movement of you
The heart that is true
Your warmth, intelligence
And grace
Your mind is so deep
With imagination quite steep
We're electric and strong like the thunder
So just stick with me
And you're sure to see
That there's no way on Earth
We could blunder
The doors of my heart are open... for you Dorothy Marie
Signed.... your L.
North Coast Weekender - with a blip from B-Bob
Much to the dismay of my family, I continue to vacation alone at times. One that I'd done before was to drive down Hwy 1 for a period of time. This time, I decided to drive from SF all the way up Hwy 1 to the North Country ...
Thing is... it took about 3 times longer to get there that I'd anticipated. On the bright side, it also took me through the country where the Ewok planet was filmed in Return of the Jedi. Since I didn't get to sight-see on the way up... I did so on the way back.
Redwoods, oh Redwoods! Bea-u-ti-ful!!!
While I was in Eureka, there was an email waiting from B-bob. I responded "Wow, since you gave me so much time to think about it... I don't think that we are a good fit for each other..." (this, for those counting, was 9 days after he last called me. Um, I don't think he was interested. At All).
And I missed Lamar so much.... we talked and talked and talked.... and talked. and texted and emailed. We are growing closer and it's really great.
Thing is... it took about 3 times longer to get there that I'd anticipated. On the bright side, it also took me through the country where the Ewok planet was filmed in Return of the Jedi. Since I didn't get to sight-see on the way up... I did so on the way back.
Redwoods, oh Redwoods! Bea-u-ti-ful!!!
While I was in Eureka, there was an email waiting from B-bob. I responded "Wow, since you gave me so much time to think about it... I don't think that we are a good fit for each other..." (this, for those counting, was 9 days after he last called me. Um, I don't think he was interested. At All).
And I missed Lamar so much.... we talked and talked and talked.... and talked. and texted and emailed. We are growing closer and it's really great.
Lamar... Lamar... wherefore art thou Lamar?
Last Monday, I drove to his neighborhood in SF. Being unemployed in a big city, I was afraid that Lamar would have us sit around in his dank apartment for hours, and then try to kiss me goodnight (and fail, because I would not let him).
Where is my faith? What happened to my faith in humanity? Have I become so jaded that I forgot how to have fun? How to laugh, how to love? He cooked spaghetti dinner for me, and we shared the rot-gut wine that he could afford. Plus we went for a delightful walk in a tony neighborhood, got ice-cream cones and watched a movie and kissed for two hours back at his place. There were talks about trust, about desires for the future, and pledges of honesty.
Hours of phone conversations brought us through the week. Crappy luck between the two of us made for lots to talk about. A few conversations with my mom gave us more to talk about.
A mere 5 days later, Lamar trekked to see me here again. A number of things prevented us from seeing each other from morning to night (those damn freight trains!), so the dear man stayed overnight at my place. Such a gentleman this one! Swoon :)
Taking him to the train station, I realized that looking in his face, I can no longer see his colour as something unique about him. A number of times, I felt people staring at us. It upset him to the point of mentioning it to me several times.... I told him that it was simply because people saw us as a striking couple. He liked that... yay :)
Sharing a long walk, seeing friends and former dates at the coffee shop... we shared hopes, dreams, and became more invested in each other's lives.
Stay tuned for part of a love-note written by dear Lamar. Seriously, it's totally appropriate.
Where is my faith? What happened to my faith in humanity? Have I become so jaded that I forgot how to have fun? How to laugh, how to love? He cooked spaghetti dinner for me, and we shared the rot-gut wine that he could afford. Plus we went for a delightful walk in a tony neighborhood, got ice-cream cones and watched a movie and kissed for two hours back at his place. There were talks about trust, about desires for the future, and pledges of honesty.
Hours of phone conversations brought us through the week. Crappy luck between the two of us made for lots to talk about. A few conversations with my mom gave us more to talk about.
A mere 5 days later, Lamar trekked to see me here again. A number of things prevented us from seeing each other from morning to night (those damn freight trains!), so the dear man stayed overnight at my place. Such a gentleman this one! Swoon :)
Taking him to the train station, I realized that looking in his face, I can no longer see his colour as something unique about him. A number of times, I felt people staring at us. It upset him to the point of mentioning it to me several times.... I told him that it was simply because people saw us as a striking couple. He liked that... yay :)
Sharing a long walk, seeing friends and former dates at the coffee shop... we shared hopes, dreams, and became more invested in each other's lives.
Stay tuned for part of a love-note written by dear Lamar. Seriously, it's totally appropriate.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Oh My.... Lamar
Lamar walked into my life a little over two weeks ago. He is a tall black man and he finds me enchanting, captivating and irresistible. Fancy that. I find the same things about him.
Turns out we have the same capacity of intense passion, emotions, h ard work, etc. We've talked for hours, emailed at length about our goals in life. So much communication that on our first date, we decided to not talk for the first five minutes! Ha... it was so awesome! Just looking into one another's eyes and feeling all that we'd talked about was real!
There was quite a hullabaloo for him to get up here from the city on Monday... but he got here and was able to stay for 4 hours. I took him on my one-trick pony trick, and got my first kiss from him in the Capitol Rose Garden. Someone likened him to a young Sydney Poitier.
I am surprised and a little shocked at the reaction of my family.... Lamar is a wonderful British man who could not be more cultured. And yet my dear mother refuses to talk about him with me. I'm sure she'll work through her feelings eventually.
Greatfully, Jayleigh is the voice of reason (per normal). Without her, I would feel hopeless and lost. Thanks, J.
Turns out we have the same capacity of intense passion, emotions, h ard work, etc. We've talked for hours, emailed at length about our goals in life. So much communication that on our first date, we decided to not talk for the first five minutes! Ha... it was so awesome! Just looking into one another's eyes and feeling all that we'd talked about was real!
There was quite a hullabaloo for him to get up here from the city on Monday... but he got here and was able to stay for 4 hours. I took him on my one-trick pony trick, and got my first kiss from him in the Capitol Rose Garden. Someone likened him to a young Sydney Poitier.
I am surprised and a little shocked at the reaction of my family.... Lamar is a wonderful British man who could not be more cultured. And yet my dear mother refuses to talk about him with me. I'm sure she'll work through her feelings eventually.
Greatfully, Jayleigh is the voice of reason (per normal). Without her, I would feel hopeless and lost. Thanks, J.
New Place, New Shoes, Bye-bye Blues!
I moved across town to a nice neighborhood. Just reached up and opened the window to a sterling sky, birds chirping, fresh air and children laughing. Sans the bums.
The new place is a duplex. The next door neighbor is quiet. I am happy being a domestic goddess this week whilst I'm on vacation. Putting up curtains so that my peeping Tom can't get a peep.
I mean seriously folks. Almost wanted to go out and shake the Peeper's hand for being so brave [as to watch me undress] and so cowardly [as to hide outside] at the same time! Haha!
The new place is a duplex. The next door neighbor is quiet. I am happy being a domestic goddess this week whilst I'm on vacation. Putting up curtains so that my peeping Tom can't get a peep.
I mean seriously folks. Almost wanted to go out and shake the Peeper's hand for being so brave [as to watch me undress] and so cowardly [as to hide outside] at the same time! Haha!
B-Bob
The B is for boring. I was going to call him Welfare Bill, because I'm pretty sure he knows Welfare Red from the opposite side of the desk - he's a welfare worker. But B-Bob was just... plain.... boring.
We talked for several hours one night on the phone. From our exs' bipolar illnesses, similar experiences, etc., to tastes in music, food, and more. The next night we had a 6-hour date that included walking 8 miles, eating and drinking until we were merry... and a 2-hour car drive that ended rather abruptly when he drove by his house to "show me" ... um... what? His etchings?
Thank you, NO!
He called me 4 days later. FOUR DAYS! I've never had a date wait that long to call me. Usually there is a follow-up date the next morning. Four days. Please. If you're not interested, just don't call!
Anyhoo... he hasn't called since. No love lost. A nice diversion, anyways.
Dot.
We talked for several hours one night on the phone. From our exs' bipolar illnesses, similar experiences, etc., to tastes in music, food, and more. The next night we had a 6-hour date that included walking 8 miles, eating and drinking until we were merry... and a 2-hour car drive that ended rather abruptly when he drove by his house to "show me" ... um... what? His etchings?
Thank you, NO!
He called me 4 days later. FOUR DAYS! I've never had a date wait that long to call me. Usually there is a follow-up date the next morning. Four days. Please. If you're not interested, just don't call!
Anyhoo... he hasn't called since. No love lost. A nice diversion, anyways.
Dot.
The Welfare of Red
Wow, I've been so busy dating, there has been little time to post!
It turned out that Red had recently been on welfare, because he would not find a job and could not take care of his boys -that's why they were out of state for the summer.
Furthermore, we met the next day for coffee and he said he didn't have enough cash to get out of his exs apartment. I sincerely believed that he was going to ask me for cash. But I would not look him in the eye or even entertain the notion that I had heard him actually say that he didn't have money to move out.
Fast-forward to a few days later, and I got an instant message from a woman using Red's account. It said something to the effect of:
Hmm. Surprised? Not so much. I thought almost a week previous that he might be a con. Glad my intuition, spirit and happiness are in tact. I responded to her and we had an interesting chat. I stopped short of saying "girl power" and "stick it to him, sistah"... but the important part was that I supported her, soothed her, told her that I refused to date a loser still living with his alleged ex.... etc.
It turned out that Red had recently been on welfare, because he would not find a job and could not take care of his boys -that's why they were out of state for the summer.
Furthermore, we met the next day for coffee and he said he didn't have enough cash to get out of his exs apartment. I sincerely believed that he was going to ask me for cash. But I would not look him in the eye or even entertain the notion that I had heard him actually say that he didn't have money to move out.
Fast-forward to a few days later, and I got an instant message from a woman using Red's account. It said something to the effect of:
Hey all of you ladies! Red is still living with me - we DID NOT BREAK UP! Stay away from him because he's a liar and a cheater! He did it to me and he's doing it to you!
Hmm. Surprised? Not so much. I thought almost a week previous that he might be a con. Glad my intuition, spirit and happiness are in tact. I responded to her and we had an interesting chat. I stopped short of saying "girl power" and "stick it to him, sistah"... but the important part was that I supported her, soothed her, told her that I refused to date a loser still living with his alleged ex.... etc.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Meeting Red, part II
Red called me a week ago, to let me know that he has secured an apartment 2 hours closer to town, away from his ex, and with his twin boys.
The man is charismatic, Christian and full of hope. The best I ever felt about the future was when I had true hope with Nelson, my ex husband. I kind of feel this way about Red... not in a scary bad way... but in a scary good way.
So we met for an impromptu coffee this morning and I realized that he's shorter than me and probably 50 lbs heavier than me. Hmm. Not sure how I feel about that. But he captured my attention. Guess it's just one day at a time, now.
Prayers?
The man is charismatic, Christian and full of hope. The best I ever felt about the future was when I had true hope with Nelson, my ex husband. I kind of feel this way about Red... not in a scary bad way... but in a scary good way.
So we met for an impromptu coffee this morning and I realized that he's shorter than me and probably 50 lbs heavier than me. Hmm. Not sure how I feel about that. But he captured my attention. Guess it's just one day at a time, now.
Prayers?
Hormones are Bad... sometimes
Every girl has to admit that the bitchy-PMS hormones are enough to create havoc where there was peace, to create drama where there was harmony. But I contend that it also makes us hyper-sensitive to people invading our spaces, who may be up to no good.
Since my last post, there've been a number of first-date disasters. But what do I care? It's only a first date, right? I get to know people... start having a crush on them... meet them and realize they're close to 300 lbs and eat sweets but appear that they will have diabetes in the near future. Or, they are really cute, have a good job, but worship "the Universe"... instead of, say, God.
The early-morning dread when I wake up has gotten worse... but it has prompted me to pray for inner peace and comfort, and the will "not to do anything stupid".... I'm so busy I don't know when I ever had time to date!
Since my last post, there've been a number of first-date disasters. But what do I care? It's only a first date, right? I get to know people... start having a crush on them... meet them and realize they're close to 300 lbs and eat sweets but appear that they will have diabetes in the near future. Or, they are really cute, have a good job, but worship "the Universe"... instead of, say, God.
The early-morning dread when I wake up has gotten worse... but it has prompted me to pray for inner peace and comfort, and the will "not to do anything stupid".... I'm so busy I don't know when I ever had time to date!
Friday, August 17, 2007
Hard-Case Part II
So Coffee Shop Mystery Man was at the coffee shop today. It's been 3 weeks or more since we went out last, and ... suffice it to say I wrote Mystery Man off...
Imagine my surprise when I get a TEXT Message... a TEXT MESSAGE at 8:40 tonight, asking "Yo, what's up?" to which I said "Hanging with my friends" - in reality I'd just shampooed my hair and was in the midst of painting my toenails.
He asked if I'd been to the Grand -for all I knew it could be a restaurant or a parking lot! Mystery Man was allegedly "passing through down" and wondered if I'd like to go get a drink with him. Heart said "YES"... head said "Sorry MM, I'm super-busy tonight... how about a rain-check?"
*** What you just witnessed, was Dorothy the Hard-Case, doing the right thing for the SECOND TIME in ONE day!!! ***
BTW... he replied "AbsoPosiLutely" about the rain check!
So you tell me: why, at nearly 11 PM, am I still jittery-jumpy-shaky? Is it because I am drunk with power, or because I'm second-guessing myself. Or both?
Imagine my surprise when I get a TEXT Message... a TEXT MESSAGE at 8:40 tonight, asking "Yo, what's up?" to which I said "Hanging with my friends" - in reality I'd just shampooed my hair and was in the midst of painting my toenails.
He asked if I'd been to the Grand -for all I knew it could be a restaurant or a parking lot! Mystery Man was allegedly "passing through down" and wondered if I'd like to go get a drink with him. Heart said "YES"... head said "Sorry MM, I'm super-busy tonight... how about a rain-check?"
*** What you just witnessed, was Dorothy the Hard-Case, doing the right thing for the SECOND TIME in ONE day!!! ***
BTW... he replied "AbsoPosiLutely" about the rain check!
So you tell me: why, at nearly 11 PM, am I still jittery-jumpy-shaky? Is it because I am drunk with power, or because I'm second-guessing myself. Or both?
Dorothy the Hard-Case
So I met Red online, we chatted for weeks, and ended up having coffee this past Monday. We hit it off and have many things in common. But he's got mega-major drama, including the fact that he lives 2-hours away, with his ex (he claims he's sleeping on the sofa).
I didn't hear from him all week, so I guessed that he was gone. But he popped back up this morning, acting all coy and goofy and cute.
This is our Text-conversation from moments ago:
Here's where it got funky....
I am convinced that I handled this properly, and that it is not too much to expect a man to move out of his ex's house, after they break up (there's a thing with his kids, their schooling, some other crap probably monetary... but I stand firm).
Give me some love people... did I do the right thing?
Dot.
I didn't hear from him all week, so I guessed that he was gone. But he popped back up this morning, acting all coy and goofy and cute.
This is our Text-conversation from moments ago:
Red: Hey cutie
Dorothy: Hey there... haven't seen you around here for a while.... get your phone fixed?
Red: No. Just had a lot going on sweetie. Missed you
Dorothy: Really? Sorry to hear that. Was afraid I totally frightened you at coffee and you ran for the hills Not really :-) Everything ok? I mean I was sorry to hear stuff was going on. (I'm a little flaky today - tired from staying up too late with my guitar!!)
Red: Lol im ok. No i didnt run. Lol i like you
Dorothy: (blushing)
Here's where it got funky....
Red: Kisses
Dorothy: Hey! Easy there, Tex... take it nice&slow. Aren't you still living with your ex?
Red: Yes. But a kiss is harmless right? Lol
Dorothy: Not until you have your own address. I'm not that kind of girl *at all* . I take no b.s.... not even from admirers.
Dorothy: Don't get me wrong - I like you. But I've been there and refuse to get entangled into something I have the ability not to.
Red: Fair nuff
Red: I understand and admire that
Dorothy: Very Good Red. I'm happy to hear that. Take your time, do things right, don't be a stranger, but keep your hands to yourself until it's right.
Red: Deal
I am convinced that I handled this properly, and that it is not too much to expect a man to move out of his ex's house, after they break up (there's a thing with his kids, their schooling, some other crap probably monetary... but I stand firm).
Give me some love people... did I do the right thing?
Dot.
Monday, August 13, 2007
I Need a Hero....
So it seems that Jac X'd me out of his life and while that bruised my ego, I agree it is all for the best.
What I struggle with today is: how am I supposed to meet people when can't seem to talk to them? How can I find the One that God has intended for me if I don't look for him?
I'm all mixed up, bruised and hurt, bleeding in my heart., confused.... Anyone ever hear the Chris Rice song called Hero?
I need a hero.... who'll dare to find me....
-dot.
What I struggle with today is: how am I supposed to meet people when can't seem to talk to them? How can I find the One that God has intended for me if I don't look for him?
I'm all mixed up, bruised and hurt, bleeding in my heart., confused.... Anyone ever hear the Chris Rice song called Hero?
I need a hero.... who'll dare to find me....
-dot.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
I'm Really Struggling Here
Jac emailed me on Thursday to cancel our date for today (Saturday). Seems that he has to work. He EMAILED me to cancel a date, then got defensive that I didn't just say "well, okay, cool... see you when you get back from wherever the hell you're going for the next few weeks".
Of course I was disappointed. And of course I really wanted to see him- he said the same to me. But in 3 days, he has not called. No email in two days. And I'm supposed to what? Just sit here and wait for him?
Not quite. I'm practicing my guitar, taking lots of bike rides, and pretending not to care. But I care. It hurts me.
I do not want to feel like a loser because some guy who I'm crazy about doesn't call. But what is he thinking? Why am I 34 and single?
This just sucks. I know that God has a plan for me. So why does this have to be so hard? I hated being married to my ex... but I loved being a wife. It's where my heart was.... I loved making a home for myself and my mate.
Of course I was disappointed. And of course I really wanted to see him- he said the same to me. But in 3 days, he has not called. No email in two days. And I'm supposed to what? Just sit here and wait for him?
Not quite. I'm practicing my guitar, taking lots of bike rides, and pretending not to care. But I care. It hurts me.
I do not want to feel like a loser because some guy who I'm crazy about doesn't call. But what is he thinking? Why am I 34 and single?
This just sucks. I know that God has a plan for me. So why does this have to be so hard? I hated being married to my ex... but I loved being a wife. It's where my heart was.... I loved making a home for myself and my mate.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Parlez Vous Francais? What Would You Say? or Love in the Slow Lane
Jac's mama' arrived from Montreal about 2 hours after my flight from Detroit. He tells me that he "has custody" of her for the next 3-5 months. His genuine surprise occurred when I said "good for you"! instead of "Your mother will be staying with you for 5 months???" Later in the night, he offered for me to teach mama' English and she can teach me Francais.
We shared some Montreal beer at my place, a short drive to the old part of town, and a semi-embarrassing experience when we both wore the same exact shade of red shirt. A fine-dining French restaurant that I didn't know existed, a martini on the rocks, sans olives, foie gras, wine, caprese salad, smoked duck, filet minon, port and two gran marnier soufflés with raspberry sauce on top.
A walk around the boardwalk, holding hands, talking about the past, about the future, about kids, parents, expectations... short drive to my house, two more hours of talking... now snuggling on the chaise in the most non-sexual, but also the most respectful and most romantic in present history.
More talking, some South Park, more snuggling, and I walked him out to his car. What impressed me the most is that Jac suggested that we take things "really slow".
Why is being shown respect the greatest thing that's happened to me in months? Why is it that not being treated like a piece of sexual meat even registers on my radar? No matter what the answer... I can tell you that I like being Jac's innocent princess.
We shared some Montreal beer at my place, a short drive to the old part of town, and a semi-embarrassing experience when we both wore the same exact shade of red shirt. A fine-dining French restaurant that I didn't know existed, a martini on the rocks, sans olives, foie gras, wine, caprese salad, smoked duck, filet minon, port and two gran marnier soufflés with raspberry sauce on top.
A walk around the boardwalk, holding hands, talking about the past, about the future, about kids, parents, expectations... short drive to my house, two more hours of talking... now snuggling on the chaise in the most non-sexual, but also the most respectful and most romantic in present history.
More talking, some South Park, more snuggling, and I walked him out to his car. What impressed me the most is that Jac suggested that we take things "really slow".
Why is being shown respect the greatest thing that's happened to me in months? Why is it that not being treated like a piece of sexual meat even registers on my radar? No matter what the answer... I can tell you that I like being Jac's innocent princess.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
One Year Later....
My and Othello's 1-year anniversary would have been this past Tuesday. I ached when I saw the reminder on my calendar. He was a true love. But we were not meant to be and we both knew it.
We went to dinner to celebrate our love and our friendship. To me, this is a huge accomplishment to be able to be okay with one that I loved so very much.
Things are going to be okay. I saw that I'm still very afraid to open my heart to someone new (Blac-Jac included)... and the virtues of taking it slow are extolled upon me.
We went to dinner to celebrate our love and our friendship. To me, this is a huge accomplishment to be able to be okay with one that I loved so very much.
Things are going to be okay. I saw that I'm still very afraid to open my heart to someone new (Blac-Jac included)... and the virtues of taking it slow are extolled upon me.
A French-Canadian Kiss....
Blac-Jac Shellac is a French Canadian. I think the character reference came from Looney Tunes Yosemite Sam arch-nemisis.
But Blac-Jac is kind, courteous and wickedly intelligent. He loves California (as do I) and has eyes the colour of the Agean Sea (which I've only read about). He does a silly impression of Cartman with a French accent, and is a fan of Dirty Martinis.
We went to see the Michael Moore film, Sicko, at the Tower Theater (next door to the original Tower Records Location). Then to dinner. The place we ate was so loud (part of a dance-club/bar), that we sat next to eachother.
Looking into his pale blue eyes and listening to his laugh... he seemed impressed that I was not bored to tears talking about politics... He was trying to impress me with all of the places he's been - but he didn't realize that I was already impressed. :-)
Walking out of the restaurant, our hands brushed for a moment. He opened the car door for me, let me in... and shut it for me (something that all other men have completely forgotten). We chatted until he parked in front of my house - which has a port-a-john out front on a trailer, to accomodate the workmen who are laboring on the water line under the house.
He shut off the car and said "we're here".... and I thanked him for dinner, the movie, and popcorn. He offered to buy a bike this weekend so that he can keep up with me next weekend and beyond. Blac-Jac asked if I would agree to go on a day-trip with him next weekend.
And then he leaned over... kissed me ever so gently right next to my lips. So I moved my lips over to his and kissed him back.... and then he kissed me back again and again. So chaste... so sweet.
My head was swimming a minute later when I got out of the car and walked up to my house. He stayed out on the street until I turned my light on inside.
Isn't romance just the greatest?
Who knows what the future will bring.... as I get to know Blac-Jac, and a host of others. But I am living in the moment, okay with myself.... living up to my own high standards.... and open to the possibility of love again one day (and totally loving the feeling of infatuation after a first kiss).
But Blac-Jac is kind, courteous and wickedly intelligent. He loves California (as do I) and has eyes the colour of the Agean Sea (which I've only read about). He does a silly impression of Cartman with a French accent, and is a fan of Dirty Martinis.
We went to see the Michael Moore film, Sicko, at the Tower Theater (next door to the original Tower Records Location). Then to dinner. The place we ate was so loud (part of a dance-club/bar), that we sat next to eachother.
Looking into his pale blue eyes and listening to his laugh... he seemed impressed that I was not bored to tears talking about politics... He was trying to impress me with all of the places he's been - but he didn't realize that I was already impressed. :-)
Walking out of the restaurant, our hands brushed for a moment. He opened the car door for me, let me in... and shut it for me (something that all other men have completely forgotten). We chatted until he parked in front of my house - which has a port-a-john out front on a trailer, to accomodate the workmen who are laboring on the water line under the house.
He shut off the car and said "we're here".... and I thanked him for dinner, the movie, and popcorn. He offered to buy a bike this weekend so that he can keep up with me next weekend and beyond. Blac-Jac asked if I would agree to go on a day-trip with him next weekend.
And then he leaned over... kissed me ever so gently right next to my lips. So I moved my lips over to his and kissed him back.... and then he kissed me back again and again. So chaste... so sweet.
My head was swimming a minute later when I got out of the car and walked up to my house. He stayed out on the street until I turned my light on inside.
Isn't romance just the greatest?
Who knows what the future will bring.... as I get to know Blac-Jac, and a host of others. But I am living in the moment, okay with myself.... living up to my own high standards.... and open to the possibility of love again one day (and totally loving the feeling of infatuation after a first kiss).
Sunday, July 22, 2007
The Brother from Another Mother....
Othello's and my friend is in town from Up North this weekend. He didn't know that we'd broken up - it was O's job to tell his people, which he didn't. Not sure what to make of that - he's not too emotional about having been together or now being apart.
We ate pizza together last night and today we attended a BBQ with our friends. After a few beers, I fell asleep at his house, and suffice it to say that I'm really proud that we can be together so much and not feel like we've got to jump on eachother anymore.
There was a point when my heart hurt - ached from moving on and not knowing what the future holds for us as friends. Friends is too casual for how much we still love eachother, and lovers was all wrong and we both knew it... so what does that leave us?
We ended up going out for sushi. In a rare moment of absolute clarity, Othello asked if I'd ever heard the expression "A brother from another mother"? I was tempted to say that I had... but I told the truth - Was it something about step-brothers or half-brothers? He said it was when someone feels so close to you that they're family, regardless of the blood-bond.
I thought he was thinking of the folks we hung out with today - Bobby, Boy-Dorothy (he shares my same actual name), Uncle Huffy, Aunt Em, and Little Hollister. But Othello made a point to say that I am his best friend, that he loves me more than anyone or anything.... he said I'm the brother he never had. Sister... whatever.
The point is that things are a lot easier, looking at him like my bro (and it makes it a lot sicker, if we accidentally kiss). I'm blessed to have a friend love me like that.
--Dot
We ate pizza together last night and today we attended a BBQ with our friends. After a few beers, I fell asleep at his house, and suffice it to say that I'm really proud that we can be together so much and not feel like we've got to jump on eachother anymore.
There was a point when my heart hurt - ached from moving on and not knowing what the future holds for us as friends. Friends is too casual for how much we still love eachother, and lovers was all wrong and we both knew it... so what does that leave us?
We ended up going out for sushi. In a rare moment of absolute clarity, Othello asked if I'd ever heard the expression "A brother from another mother"? I was tempted to say that I had... but I told the truth - Was it something about step-brothers or half-brothers? He said it was when someone feels so close to you that they're family, regardless of the blood-bond.
I thought he was thinking of the folks we hung out with today - Bobby, Boy-Dorothy (he shares my same actual name), Uncle Huffy, Aunt Em, and Little Hollister. But Othello made a point to say that I am his best friend, that he loves me more than anyone or anything.... he said I'm the brother he never had. Sister... whatever.
The point is that things are a lot easier, looking at him like my bro (and it makes it a lot sicker, if we accidentally kiss). I'm blessed to have a friend love me like that.
--Dot
Saturday, July 21, 2007
A Night on the Town: Plan B?
The Coffee Shop Mystery Man picked me up at 7:30 last night, opened his car door for me, and was ever so polite... even though his car was dirtier than mine on the inside. On the one hand, I feel as though he knew all week that he was going out with me... and on the other, I know his kids were over the day before and they can be messy.
We talked for hours over a dinner of steamed mussels in broth, prawns, red snapper and smashed potatoes and gravy-sauce. Wine, candle-light, a rosebud on the table that was getting singed by the candle...
He has a gravelly voice and is still sensitive. He's a musician and an artist and a techie.
He parked his car in front of my house, got out, walked me to the front step, and gave me a hug. I looked at him all evening and longed for him to kiss me goodnight. I didn't get a kiss. But ... kinda-kissed his ear/cheek as we hugged goodnight. Then he waited for me to get inside and turn on a light until he pulled off.
Sigh. It's nice being treated well. There are few concerns at this point, such as 1) What does it mean when a straight man wears a pinky-ring? and 2) He's a good daddy, but is he really over his ex yet?
Anyways.... we'll see what the future brings.
--Dot
P.S. We talked about our religious and spiritual beliefs a couple of nights ago and it turns out that we are not only on the same page, but the same paragraph. Praise God!
We talked for hours over a dinner of steamed mussels in broth, prawns, red snapper and smashed potatoes and gravy-sauce. Wine, candle-light, a rosebud on the table that was getting singed by the candle...
He has a gravelly voice and is still sensitive. He's a musician and an artist and a techie.
He parked his car in front of my house, got out, walked me to the front step, and gave me a hug. I looked at him all evening and longed for him to kiss me goodnight. I didn't get a kiss. But ... kinda-kissed his ear/cheek as we hugged goodnight. Then he waited for me to get inside and turn on a light until he pulled off.
Sigh. It's nice being treated well. There are few concerns at this point, such as 1) What does it mean when a straight man wears a pinky-ring? and 2) He's a good daddy, but is he really over his ex yet?
Anyways.... we'll see what the future brings.
--Dot
P.S. We talked about our religious and spiritual beliefs a couple of nights ago and it turns out that we are not only on the same page, but the same paragraph. Praise God!
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Oh My Aching Heart
On the one hand, I'm busy and on the other hand, I can't find/make the time to do anything productive, because I so sad/depressed. I feel like if I cry, it's making things real... and if it's real... then it's really over.
Giving up hope is the hardest part. I think I heard that in a new John Mayer song but it's true: I looked at Othello last night and remembered thinking that we would have a child together one day. A red-haired child that walked like his daddy and had a cute little backpack and smiled all goofy.
But I let it go because he didn't light up my heart.... and I didn't light up his heart.
And now I'm scared because the Mystery Man reminded me of that place in my heart that I thought was long gone... and it's not gone, it's alive and kicking.
So the point is that I'm starting to cry a little because I need Othello and everything associated with him to be over. I need to do the right thing and make some distance. And the most important part is that I'm ready to move on, mourn, let go, and hope for something new, with someone new.
Oh yeah... and I don't need anyone else to complete me. My self-worth is worth more than that.
-dot.
Giving up hope is the hardest part. I think I heard that in a new John Mayer song but it's true: I looked at Othello last night and remembered thinking that we would have a child together one day. A red-haired child that walked like his daddy and had a cute little backpack and smiled all goofy.
But I let it go because he didn't light up my heart.... and I didn't light up his heart.
And now I'm scared because the Mystery Man reminded me of that place in my heart that I thought was long gone... and it's not gone, it's alive and kicking.
So the point is that I'm starting to cry a little because I need Othello and everything associated with him to be over. I need to do the right thing and make some distance. And the most important part is that I'm ready to move on, mourn, let go, and hope for something new, with someone new.
Oh yeah... and I don't need anyone else to complete me. My self-worth is worth more than that.
-dot.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
43People, 43Things... One Great Date with a Mystery Man
A man saw my photograph online and wrote a little story about me and my friends, going to coffee every single day. I've seen him there too. This is our little conversation on the website - suffice it to say that we ended up meeting, he's charming, and... swoon!
He said:
I think she’s the one who lights up a local cafe almost everyday surrounded by a phalanx of palace guards (or body guards, or co-workers, or concubines).
Makes me forget what I’m doing every single time, because I SWEAR I know her from somewheres..
She said:
I think she likes coffee a LOT. And I’m pretty sure she’s just the rable-rouser that gets her coworkers to come on over, so it doesn’t look like she’s such an addict. (Actually, you and I know it’s just damn good coffee)
But she’s so shy when it comes to meeting new people… You should go over and say hello. Even if the Palace Guards are there. You should go right up, introduce yourself and say “The glass horse flies at 9”.
I’m pretty sure if you can do that, she might let you basque in her presence. (Okay, that was really over the top).
But seriously… Are you an innocent bystander or one of the coffee gods?
He said:
I missed this one..
Shy? YOU? Get out. But you know, rabble rouser and Weather Goddess don’t really go with shy. I think I’m already in over my head: smart, attractive, AND crafty. I’m done for.
As far as me being innocent: yes I am, as far as you know. Not a coffee god, just a dilettante trying to buy his way in.
- MM
She said:
The rare Sunday coffee run…. Darn the fact that I am not good at recognizing people in person from pictures… But that guy was sitting at the end of the bench, laptop open. I think.
At any rate, I’ve noticed him before. Maybe he will say hello this week?
He said:
Yep, I thought I’d seen you there at that place before. Your hair’s different; it’s more squiggly now. Very cool..
.. Wait.. You were THERE today? You must’ve been outside or in disguise. Either that, or I’m not as observant on 3 hours’ sleep as I’d be if’n I’d gotten a full night’s rest.
Sure, if I see you I’ll stammer out a semi-intelligible: “Uh, Hullo. Heh..” I may jam down to LA on Monday (waiting until the LAST possible minute), but it doesn’t look like my stuff’ll be ready, so I’ll likely be there at some point in the morning! Maybe I’ll see you there (just tell your guards to be nice).
BTW, I’m Mystery Man, and my email is (removed) if you want to drop me a line some time.
- MM
After our first meeting He said:
So this girl is something else. Attractive and wickedly intelligent. Easily distracted by cobwebs, though, so I’m trying to figure out how to work that to my advantage..
She said:
I wonder if she’s distracted by shiny or colorful objects?
I met him in a coffee shop today. I wasn’t shy and it wasn’t awkward (there sure are a lot of consonants in the word “awkward” huh?).
He is witty in an unassuming way. He made me smile even when I wondered whether he was telling the truth or making up a story to try to impress me.
In the end, I decided that he has an honest heart and … (distracted again) how tall is he? My height or more?? ... where was I?
Oh yes… I blushed when he asked me out to dinner. Too bad I’m hopping on my bike in 2 minutes. Friday would be good. Or Saturday, depending on the visitation status of his small Ninja(s).
Saturday, July 14, 2007
One Month Down... and lots of healing to go
I actually forgot on which date I broke up with Othello... but I think it's already been a month. Some days it's like a lifetime and some days it's like 1 minute ago.
My friend El came to interview for an internship at my work yesterday. She told me about one of her old boyfreinds who she continued to get emotional support from, after their breakup. I could see that if I wasn't careful, that would also be the cast with O.
Please pray for me to be strong than that... to meet people and be the kind of woman that God wants me to be.
--Dot.
My friend El came to interview for an internship at my work yesterday. She told me about one of her old boyfreinds who she continued to get emotional support from, after their breakup. I could see that if I wasn't careful, that would also be the cast with O.
Please pray for me to be strong than that... to meet people and be the kind of woman that God wants me to be.
--Dot.
Too Much Booze: A Visit With Friends
My Friends were in town from Oklahoma last week. From Friday to Friday (and sea to shining sea) we hit every bar, restaurant, winery and pub that we could get our hands on. Several of the days, I didn't want to go out... but still went...
It's part of that moving on thing... if I hadn't spent time with my friends, I'd have called Othello. oops.
On an interesting note, we went wine-tasting in Amador County, which is in the Sierra Foothills. It doesn't sound like a ton of fun, because it's not Napa, there are no restaurants, and there is no ocean nearby. But believe me... it's gorgeous and the wine was quite tasty.
Justin is a friend of my friend. He always tries to hit on me. He's quite inappropriate, but he's also a charmer and ...can't help but like the attention sometimes.
It's part of that moving on thing... if I hadn't spent time with my friends, I'd have called Othello. oops.
On an interesting note, we went wine-tasting in Amador County, which is in the Sierra Foothills. It doesn't sound like a ton of fun, because it's not Napa, there are no restaurants, and there is no ocean nearby. But believe me... it's gorgeous and the wine was quite tasty.
Justin is a friend of my friend. He always tries to hit on me. He's quite inappropriate, but he's also a charmer and ...can't help but like the attention sometimes.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
I Forgive You: A Blanket Pardon
My daily devotional that I read each morning (even now, I'm still in bed and just read it), spoke of incurring God's judgment each time we judge another person. "Judge not, lest ye be judged?" Yes, apparently the reason we judge not, is that on Judgment Day, our own judgments against others is the basis on which God intends to judge us.... which definitely puts a new spin on things...
Here's the devotional so you can read it yourself...
So why am I still talking? Because it is necessary for me to first forgive, and then ask forgiveness for my judgments, my instances of hating some people. Even though I thought i was totally justified at the time... another day CANNOT go by without my making things right.
Pre-18 years old:
I do not hate the people who got better grades than me, who were better in sports, who had boyfriends when I did not. I forgive the ones who did wrong to me by making light of my lack of financial aptitude, to the ones who made fun of me for other things, and especially for my 4th grade best friend, for abandoning me by going into a better class... (and she knows what she did in 5th grade, but I don't hate her for that anymore either).
This is really reaching... but I told a lie in kindergarten that someone shoved me and I hit my chin. I am truly sorry for this lie, because I just wanted that boy to get into trouble, which he did. In 7th grade, I did another stupid thing (similar) and my mom was very defensive and got involved. She found me out on that one and I was mortified. So to all of the people involved in these... I'm sorry. I was 100% wrong: Please forgive me.
The original Rainbow Boy truly did wrong against my person. I was confused about it and really focused my hatred of him against members of my own family. I'm sorry for this. And even though what he did was unconsionable... I actually forgive him too. And his parents, as it was really their faults for bringing up a rapist and not bringing up someone more sensitive.
The Farmer Boy and the Boyscout were both casualties after the fact, and it was a confusing time in my life. So to everyone I dated, I forgive you: Please forgive me.
18-30
I met Nelson on my 19th Birthday. He deserves his own category because everything in that period of time was tinted by him: His parents, my parents, our coworkers, our schooling, our neighbors, his depression, my anger and controlling.
To everyone associated with a negative thought or emotion in this period of my life: truly, I am sorry. Coworkers and bosses were a distinct casualty here. And again, I always thought I'd had the best reasons for hate. But hate is tiring. Grudges take up so much energy. So I forgive them, I forgive family and in-laws and classmates and Nelson. I am truly sorry for my part in the reasons that I was angry and held hatred. I humble myself here when I ask for your forgiveness.
> 30
There are a lot of men that I feel tried to use me for my youth, beauty, intelligence, etc. To the ones I simply dated: I never hated you, but certainly was upset when you didn't call back. So I forgive you for that. To the ones who I was in a relationship with: wow... y'all made a huge impact on my life, and though I had a commitment in my sights, neither of you did. I was truly in love, and it hurts to have that taken willingly, but not returned. The only thing left for me to do is to forgive you ... and ask if you can pray for me that I will one day be strong enough to ask forgiveness for my part (my weakness, my faltering, my deep seeded desire to be loved).
Also a number of coworkers have fallen victim to my jabber-jaws... While it's true that I "only" point out things that are true... it's not very nice. And therefore I always question and feel insecure, that someone is judging me the same way... which they probably do, and have. I ask that they would find it in my heart to forgive. Even when I feel wronged.. .maybe they do too.
Funny - I'm listening to the radio, and they're asking parents for advice if they could go back and do it all over. They all said "I'd go back and not be so judgmental"... talk about timing.
Anyways, I'm sorry for the wrong I've done.. and I've done a lot of it. But I would also like to ask for a blanket pardon. And my heart has to be truly in the right place for that pardon. So I humble myself and pray that God, in his wisdom, would allow me to make things right by praying for the situations in question.
The most I can ever hope for is for God to allow me to be forgiven one day. Until then I'll keep trying.
Peace,
Dot.
Here's the devotional so you can read it yourself...
So why am I still talking? Because it is necessary for me to first forgive, and then ask forgiveness for my judgments, my instances of hating some people. Even though I thought i was totally justified at the time... another day CANNOT go by without my making things right.
Pre-18 years old:
I do not hate the people who got better grades than me, who were better in sports, who had boyfriends when I did not. I forgive the ones who did wrong to me by making light of my lack of financial aptitude, to the ones who made fun of me for other things, and especially for my 4th grade best friend, for abandoning me by going into a better class... (and she knows what she did in 5th grade, but I don't hate her for that anymore either).
This is really reaching... but I told a lie in kindergarten that someone shoved me and I hit my chin. I am truly sorry for this lie, because I just wanted that boy to get into trouble, which he did. In 7th grade, I did another stupid thing (similar) and my mom was very defensive and got involved. She found me out on that one and I was mortified. So to all of the people involved in these... I'm sorry. I was 100% wrong: Please forgive me.
The original Rainbow Boy truly did wrong against my person. I was confused about it and really focused my hatred of him against members of my own family. I'm sorry for this. And even though what he did was unconsionable... I actually forgive him too. And his parents, as it was really their faults for bringing up a rapist and not bringing up someone more sensitive.
The Farmer Boy and the Boyscout were both casualties after the fact, and it was a confusing time in my life. So to everyone I dated, I forgive you: Please forgive me.
18-30
I met Nelson on my 19th Birthday. He deserves his own category because everything in that period of time was tinted by him: His parents, my parents, our coworkers, our schooling, our neighbors, his depression, my anger and controlling.
To everyone associated with a negative thought or emotion in this period of my life: truly, I am sorry. Coworkers and bosses were a distinct casualty here. And again, I always thought I'd had the best reasons for hate. But hate is tiring. Grudges take up so much energy. So I forgive them, I forgive family and in-laws and classmates and Nelson. I am truly sorry for my part in the reasons that I was angry and held hatred. I humble myself here when I ask for your forgiveness.
> 30
There are a lot of men that I feel tried to use me for my youth, beauty, intelligence, etc. To the ones I simply dated: I never hated you, but certainly was upset when you didn't call back. So I forgive you for that. To the ones who I was in a relationship with: wow... y'all made a huge impact on my life, and though I had a commitment in my sights, neither of you did. I was truly in love, and it hurts to have that taken willingly, but not returned. The only thing left for me to do is to forgive you ... and ask if you can pray for me that I will one day be strong enough to ask forgiveness for my part (my weakness, my faltering, my deep seeded desire to be loved).
Also a number of coworkers have fallen victim to my jabber-jaws... While it's true that I "only" point out things that are true... it's not very nice. And therefore I always question and feel insecure, that someone is judging me the same way... which they probably do, and have. I ask that they would find it in my heart to forgive. Even when I feel wronged.. .maybe they do too.
Funny - I'm listening to the radio, and they're asking parents for advice if they could go back and do it all over. They all said "I'd go back and not be so judgmental"... talk about timing.
Anyways, I'm sorry for the wrong I've done.. and I've done a lot of it. But I would also like to ask for a blanket pardon. And my heart has to be truly in the right place for that pardon. So I humble myself and pray that God, in his wisdom, would allow me to make things right by praying for the situations in question.
The most I can ever hope for is for God to allow me to be forgiven one day. Until then I'll keep trying.
Peace,
Dot.
Sunday, July 08, 2007
Woulda Shoulda Coulda
My White Night, Synoptic, just emailed. Poor guy just got dissed by a gal who was interested in him at first, and now doesn't give him the time of day.
I noted last year in this post, that Syno.ptic was someone who's always been there. I think I had a crush on him since we met back in 2000. Of course I never acted on this crush... never stopped thinking about it... but never ever said anything to make Synoptic think that I would be less than honorable toward him.
M.W. and I fought horribly about my visiting Synoptic a few summers back - apparently he saw what I would not admit - a deep care and concern for Synoptic that I've felt for few folks in my entire life.
So I consoled Synoptic about this gal who dissed him... He emailed back and said that if he didn't love his location and I didn't love mine so very much... "I daresay we would make a go of it". Thanks, I'll keep that in the back of my mind.
++++
Wait a second...isn't this the same man who was so rude to me on vacation last year? Um... yeah. He's gonna need to get a clue if he wants to woo me!
I noted last year in this post, that Syno.ptic was someone who's always been there. I think I had a crush on him since we met back in 2000. Of course I never acted on this crush... never stopped thinking about it... but never ever said anything to make Synoptic think that I would be less than honorable toward him.
M.W. and I fought horribly about my visiting Synoptic a few summers back - apparently he saw what I would not admit - a deep care and concern for Synoptic that I've felt for few folks in my entire life.
So I consoled Synoptic about this gal who dissed him... He emailed back and said that if he didn't love his location and I didn't love mine so very much... "I daresay we would make a go of it". Thanks, I'll keep that in the back of my mind.
++++
Wait a second...isn't this the same man who was so rude to me on vacation last year? Um... yeah. He's gonna need to get a clue if he wants to woo me!
Have Hope or... Are you there God? It's me, Dorothy...
Riding my bike home from a trail-trek with Othello this morning... we had breakfast. He went on about how he is soulsearching and attempting to find out who he is. Then Othello criticized my dating men 10 years older than me. (Even though that's only 44, which is pretty young, if you ask me).
I'd all but given up on the hope that I would have a partner, a lover, a co-equal and a co-parent. Othello WAS all that I'd wanted... but it didn't work out... it would not have worked out even if we had been okay with what we'd had... because there was a lack of compatibility, because there was a difference of goals, I could go on and on and on.
So why hope, all of a sudden? The night I came back to Othello, I prayed so hard that I was doing the right thing. We went for a walk and I saw this car with plates that said "Fere Not"... Back then, I had a sign, a confirmation that I was not to be afraid of entering into that relationship. Today... I saw a car with plates saying "HavHope"...
So I decided to Praise the Lord and not give up hope...
Peace,
Dot.
BTW... if anyone knows a guy under 45, who wants a successful, stable gal, and to have kids... do let me know, okay???
I'd all but given up on the hope that I would have a partner, a lover, a co-equal and a co-parent. Othello WAS all that I'd wanted... but it didn't work out... it would not have worked out even if we had been okay with what we'd had... because there was a lack of compatibility, because there was a difference of goals, I could go on and on and on.
So why hope, all of a sudden? The night I came back to Othello, I prayed so hard that I was doing the right thing. We went for a walk and I saw this car with plates that said "Fere Not"... Back then, I had a sign, a confirmation that I was not to be afraid of entering into that relationship. Today... I saw a car with plates saying "HavHope"...
So I decided to Praise the Lord and not give up hope...
Peace,
Dot.
BTW... if anyone knows a guy under 45, who wants a successful, stable gal, and to have kids... do let me know, okay???
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Moving on.. but still mourning My Beloved.....
No matter how I move forward in my life.... my beloved Othello is always there. Last night I asked him why he still felt so close to me. We both decided that it's because we still feel like partners. That's messed up because we broke up and don't want to get back together. He thinks I require too much attention.
I'm having a ball with all of the gentlemen calling on me these days. El Guapo spent a good chunk of time with me in the late morning/early afternoon. In fact, there is quite a bit of chemistry between us. To the point where it was necessary for me to say that I couldn't be with him if there was not a distinct possibility of children in our future.
So the question for tomorrow's episode is this: Can Dorothy actually walk away from someone who she is starting to fall for, only because he doesn't think he wants children?
Okay.. keep me in your prayers, please?
Thanks.
Dot
And this is creating distance how? It just hit me again like a ton of bricks.
He said "We were sooooooo close. But I wasn't in love with you and couldn't give you what you needed from me".
I'm having a ball with all of the gentlemen calling on me these days. El Guapo spent a good chunk of time with me in the late morning/early afternoon. In fact, there is quite a bit of chemistry between us. To the point where it was necessary for me to say that I couldn't be with him if there was not a distinct possibility of children in our future.
So the question for tomorrow's episode is this: Can Dorothy actually walk away from someone who she is starting to fall for, only because he doesn't think he wants children?
Okay.. keep me in your prayers, please?
Thanks.
Dot
Sunday, July 01, 2007
First Date Disasters '07: Take 1 or Conquistadoro!
I met a Spanish Conquistador. We clicked. He asked me out on a date. This is our first date (I swear to God, every syllable is the truth).
[Scene 1: We ended up meeting in a "super-top-secret" parking garage I found - close, free, and totally hidden from view unless you knew it was there.]
Upon getting out of our cars, el Guapo moved toward me, looked me up and down... and placed one hand on the back of my head, the other hand on my shoulder.... looking deep into my eyes... he said "you're beautiful" .... Swoon. Then we hugged.
end of scene 1
[Scene 2: Walking to the Pub/Sitting in the Pub]
El Guapo ordered drinks and paid for them. We found a place to sit and browsed through the local free liberal newspaper. It's officially titled the "Sacramento News & Review" but we decided that it needs to be titled "The Midtown Rant & Vitriol". Haha. He ordered food and paid for it... see a pattern here?
A woman complimented my shoes, el Guapo complimented my eyeglasses and says that looking over the top of the rims is provocative. We eat our dinner, chatting and laughing, talking about exs and his kids and our failed marriages (one each). He told me that I eat analytically. Cute. I tried to be ladylike - glad he noticed.
During dinner, el Guapo asked me how I hold hands. He put his hand up and I took it. He said "You're RIGHT! That's the right way... women who hold hands wrong... there's something wrong with them..." So we held hands and chatted and flirted for a while longer. Then it was time to go, and he asked if I'd like to go for a walk.
end of scene 2
[Scene 3: Walking and the Capitol Rose Garden]
It is 7 blocks from the pub to the Capitol, but it's my one-trick-pony trick. Men love to act romantic in a romantic setting (Guys, I know you do). We walked and talked... talked and walked all of the way holding hands, as I navigated us to the rose garden. This is my home turf and el Guapo knows it. He asked me if I was going to mettle with his virtues. I told him I was going to take him to a burnt-down trailer... "heh-heh".
We got to my favorite entrance of the rose garden and I told him that the last time I was there, it was strewn with rose-petals on the sidewalk, all of the way to the fountain, as there had just been a wedding there. El Guapo asked me to show him my favorite rose, and I told him the ones that smell like raspberries are my favorite. I took off my shoes to walk in the grass and he wandered over to get a better vantage point of the moon.
He pulled me over to the Vietnam Memorial and told me about his crazy uncle and how messed up he was when he came home from that war. We expressed our political views and then sat on a bench, just soaking up the scent of roses, the sound of trickling water, and the nearly full moon. El Guapo pulled his knee up and scooted around so I could lay my head on his shoulder. He put both arms around me and kissed my neck.
I got up and el Guapo pulled my head to the side and kissed me. Sweet Surrender! I wanted to feel something in the moment that I was first kissed by someone other than Othello. But I didn't feel anything. (Big frowny face here). But I did keep my head about me and didn't do anything stupid, which was good.
More walking, more stopping, more hands on my waist. I slapped them once. He held me close, looked deep into my eyes and kissed me on the lips. It was such an intimate moment, as satisfying smack.... but I thought it was a little slutty, so I didn't return the kiss with as much gusto as it had been given. He kissed all over my face and then said "Oh my ... I have to step away before I get all grabby". It was nice of him to be so gentlemanly.
Walking back to our cars... we encountered a bachelorette party. They offered to take our picture, as seen here:
Did I mention that it was windy that night.
end of scene 3
[Scene 4: End of date, approaching the super-secret parking garage]
El Guapo asked what would happen if the parking garage had closed - it was now almost 3 hours later. I said that would be bad. He said "It would be fine... we would just roll with it." How f-ing fortuitous... because that is just what happened.
He said he would just call a cab. We both had to work Saturday morning and he was going to be pretty close. We decided to meet for lunch on Saturday. Meanwhile, I called Othello to come and get me.
Before anyone has a heart-attack and starts throwing sharp objects toward me... you must know that O is still my best friend (however difficult that is... it's what it is...). He dropped everything and came to get me. I pretty much bolted when he got there, because O said it was tacky of me to stand there with el Guapo. I screamed and cried at Othello because he would never ever respect el Guapo or anyone else, if they didn't wait with me and make sure I was safe.
Alrighty... so the next day I chatted with el Guapo, went to where he was working, and had a nice lunch. I got a sweet hug and a kiss, and he said "I'll see you again soon?" Okay...
end of scene 4
Okay. That last part was weird. Does that mean a good thing or a bad thing? Ahh... the humanity! I hate when I can't exactly read a date. I like el Guapo, but there are no feelings yet. Time, I know sen-sae. Hope you liked my first-date recreation...
[the] grasshoppah
[Scene 1: We ended up meeting in a "super-top-secret" parking garage I found - close, free, and totally hidden from view unless you knew it was there.]
Upon getting out of our cars, el Guapo moved toward me, looked me up and down... and placed one hand on the back of my head, the other hand on my shoulder.... looking deep into my eyes... he said "you're beautiful" .... Swoon. Then we hugged.
end of scene 1
[Scene 2: Walking to the Pub/Sitting in the Pub]
El Guapo ordered drinks and paid for them. We found a place to sit and browsed through the local free liberal newspaper. It's officially titled the "Sacramento News & Review" but we decided that it needs to be titled "The Midtown Rant & Vitriol". Haha. He ordered food and paid for it... see a pattern here?
A woman complimented my shoes, el Guapo complimented my eyeglasses and says that looking over the top of the rims is provocative. We eat our dinner, chatting and laughing, talking about exs and his kids and our failed marriages (one each). He told me that I eat analytically. Cute. I tried to be ladylike - glad he noticed.
During dinner, el Guapo asked me how I hold hands. He put his hand up and I took it. He said "You're RIGHT! That's the right way... women who hold hands wrong... there's something wrong with them..." So we held hands and chatted and flirted for a while longer. Then it was time to go, and he asked if I'd like to go for a walk.
end of scene 2
[Scene 3: Walking and the Capitol Rose Garden]
It is 7 blocks from the pub to the Capitol, but it's my one-trick-pony trick. Men love to act romantic in a romantic setting (Guys, I know you do). We walked and talked... talked and walked all of the way holding hands, as I navigated us to the rose garden. This is my home turf and el Guapo knows it. He asked me if I was going to mettle with his virtues. I told him I was going to take him to a burnt-down trailer... "heh-heh".
We got to my favorite entrance of the rose garden and I told him that the last time I was there, it was strewn with rose-petals on the sidewalk, all of the way to the fountain, as there had just been a wedding there. El Guapo asked me to show him my favorite rose, and I told him the ones that smell like raspberries are my favorite. I took off my shoes to walk in the grass and he wandered over to get a better vantage point of the moon.
He pulled me over to the Vietnam Memorial and told me about his crazy uncle and how messed up he was when he came home from that war. We expressed our political views and then sat on a bench, just soaking up the scent of roses, the sound of trickling water, and the nearly full moon. El Guapo pulled his knee up and scooted around so I could lay my head on his shoulder. He put both arms around me and kissed my neck.
I got up and el Guapo pulled my head to the side and kissed me. Sweet Surrender! I wanted to feel something in the moment that I was first kissed by someone other than Othello. But I didn't feel anything. (Big frowny face here). But I did keep my head about me and didn't do anything stupid, which was good.
More walking, more stopping, more hands on my waist. I slapped them once. He held me close, looked deep into my eyes and kissed me on the lips. It was such an intimate moment, as satisfying smack.... but I thought it was a little slutty, so I didn't return the kiss with as much gusto as it had been given. He kissed all over my face and then said "Oh my ... I have to step away before I get all grabby". It was nice of him to be so gentlemanly.
Walking back to our cars... we encountered a bachelorette party. They offered to take our picture, as seen here:
Did I mention that it was windy that night.
end of scene 3
[Scene 4: End of date, approaching the super-secret parking garage]
El Guapo asked what would happen if the parking garage had closed - it was now almost 3 hours later. I said that would be bad. He said "It would be fine... we would just roll with it." How f-ing fortuitous... because that is just what happened.
He said he would just call a cab. We both had to work Saturday morning and he was going to be pretty close. We decided to meet for lunch on Saturday. Meanwhile, I called Othello to come and get me.
Before anyone has a heart-attack and starts throwing sharp objects toward me... you must know that O is still my best friend (however difficult that is... it's what it is...). He dropped everything and came to get me. I pretty much bolted when he got there, because O said it was tacky of me to stand there with el Guapo. I screamed and cried at Othello because he would never ever respect el Guapo or anyone else, if they didn't wait with me and make sure I was safe.
Alrighty... so the next day I chatted with el Guapo, went to where he was working, and had a nice lunch. I got a sweet hug and a kiss, and he said "I'll see you again soon?" Okay...
end of scene 4
Okay. That last part was weird. Does that mean a good thing or a bad thing? Ahh... the humanity! I hate when I can't exactly read a date. I like el Guapo, but there are no feelings yet. Time, I know sen-sae. Hope you liked my first-date recreation...
[the] grasshoppah
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
You're Still the One.... But...
Othello and I have spent a lot of time together. Even since the corporate reorganization of Us, he's a fixture in my life. But I can't shake this feeling of him still being my partner.
And he's not my partner... but ... eehh...
Pray for me to have the strength to follow my heart and follow the plan that the Lord has for me?
And he's not my partner... but ... eehh...
Pray for me to have the strength to follow my heart and follow the plan that the Lord has for me?
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Monday, June 18, 2007
I'm Falling Into Best Friend Relief...
Othello and I run in somewhat the same social circles. Therefore, since I broke up with him, we have run into each other at the gym, on the bike trail, at his house when I went to pick up some stuff. He was in the middle of a project making some screens at my house, so came over last night to finish.
The truth is... we're both freaking relieved to be single again. Although a small part of me is hurting infinitely.... I know it is for the best, and wholly support finding someone that would actually be a good partner.
Othello is finicky, picky, dainty and not really my style anyways. But for what it's worth... I do love him. Just not in the way that you'd hope that you would love your lifelong partner.
-Dot.
P.S. (another haiku)
for what it is worth
sorry for the flux haiku ...
made my head hurt too!
The truth is... we're both freaking relieved to be single again. Although a small part of me is hurting infinitely.... I know it is for the best, and wholly support finding someone that would actually be a good partner.
Othello is finicky, picky, dainty and not really my style anyways. But for what it's worth... I do love him. Just not in the way that you'd hope that you would love your lifelong partner.
-Dot.
P.S. (another haiku)
for what it is worth
sorry for the flux haiku ...
made my head hurt too!
Friday, June 15, 2007
The Beginning and the End
Life is full of expected changes, unexpected changes, and outright surprises.
I broke up with Othello this week. We loved one another so deeply. Sat right on the couch and cried together, because we now know it will never work - he is not what you would call "In Love" with me. I do not want to live my life like that. 'Nuff said.
How to be friends with this one? He is literally my best friend. He tells me that no one knows him as I do.
Pray for these things:
I broke up with Othello this week. We loved one another so deeply. Sat right on the couch and cried together, because we now know it will never work - he is not what you would call "In Love" with me. I do not want to live my life like that. 'Nuff said.
How to be friends with this one? He is literally my best friend. He tells me that no one knows him as I do.
Pray for these things:
- healing for both of us
- a charming, wonderful man to drop into my life when I least expect it
(like, any time now) - This may be a time of peace in our lives.
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
'Dat girl's got swagger!
In speaking with my counselor over the last several sessions... I AM the strong woman that I admire... The knowledge and drive is there and ... can actually get all of the stuff done, that I dream of.
So what's the dealio? Why can't this Dorothy-gal see that? Oh wait... because she is ever-self-critical. Her supporters all say she's da-bomb. But she refuses to see it.
You might be wondering at this point... "What did Dot do, that was so awesome?" I did something this week. I did it and I wasn't afraid! I, Dorothy Gale told Othello what is needed for the relationship to reach the next level.... I told him and didn't back down. Frankly this girl's getting restless and bored. If there is no future with O, I'd rather move on.
The problem? He's my best friend and I don't want to move on. So the only solution was to tell him how I felt and ask if it was time to give up. He said "hang in there for me".... and "keep your faith" and such.
Confidence and strength, po-tweet, that's swagger!
So what's the dealio? Why can't this Dorothy-gal see that? Oh wait... because she is ever-self-critical. Her supporters all say she's da-bomb. But she refuses to see it.
You might be wondering at this point... "What did Dot do, that was so awesome?" I did something this week. I did it and I wasn't afraid! I, Dorothy Gale told Othello what is needed for the relationship to reach the next level.... I told him and didn't back down. Frankly this girl's getting restless and bored. If there is no future with O, I'd rather move on.
The problem? He's my best friend and I don't want to move on. So the only solution was to tell him how I felt and ask if it was time to give up. He said "hang in there for me".... and "keep your faith" and such.
Confidence and strength, po-tweet, that's swagger!
Friday, May 25, 2007
A Poetry Review of Flux Divergence
Haiku gradient
Flux Divergence equal when
flux in is flux out
Fick's First is flux grad
Second is divergence, yah?
It's time-rate-of-change
Bowen ra-ti-o
Sensible Heat Flux versus
Latent Heat Flux: growth
(the growth of the BL depends on this ratio)
Flux Divergence equal when
flux in is flux out
Fick's First is flux grad
Second is divergence, yah?
It's time-rate-of-change
Bowen ra-ti-o
Sensible Heat Flux versus
Latent Heat Flux: growth
(the growth of the BL depends on this ratio)
Build Me Up Buttercup....
The terrible dreams of my coworker were tormenting me to such a degree that I've been seeing a counselor. It *so* sucks baring my soul to a woman that I don't' even know. It's hella low-rent when you feel like you're going against your own grain: Because I'm nice to everyone and try not to complain... my counseling sessions are me talking myself out of my own fears.
Why does she get paid for this??? Haha.
Why does she get paid for this??? Haha.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
It's a Bird... it's a Plane... no, it's Cycle-girl!
It's bike commute month in Sacramento. I pledged over 200 miles and have already gotten in 90 of them. Last year I pledged just 200 and it was really hard making myself do over 10 miles a day. Now I'm doing 20 miles per day and I'm feeling really good.
Probably I'm heavier than I've been in a while, and yet I'm healthier too. I work out like a fiend, my cardiovascular health is good, I'm strong and happy - generally.
That thing with my coworker who threatened to shoot us? He's still on administrative leave. I haven't been sleeping. CLass is hard.
Newsflash:
I'm planning a trip to Argentina in 2010. There is going to be a full solar eclipse in the dead of winter there. I'm so excited! I'm going and I'm taking my baby!
Probably I'm heavier than I've been in a while, and yet I'm healthier too. I work out like a fiend, my cardiovascular health is good, I'm strong and happy - generally.
That thing with my coworker who threatened to shoot us? He's still on administrative leave. I haven't been sleeping. CLass is hard.
Newsflash:
I'm planning a trip to Argentina in 2010. There is going to be a full solar eclipse in the dead of winter there. I'm so excited! I'm going and I'm taking my baby!
Monday, May 07, 2007
Go With What You Know!
What is that bible verse about trusting God and not your gut? You know the one ... it's something to do with the fact that emotions are fallible, but God's truth is something that you can believe in, even when you don't feel it....
Anyways, I think it's that way with relationships too. I've been incredibly stressed out lately, what with school and work stress. Every time I'm way-stressed at work, I start to think that something is wrong with my relationship with Othello. Even when he reassures me that things have never been better, I get all "jiggy" (his words) about us.
Those words - the ones that are escaping me, but their thoughts do not - have been immensely comforting to me these past few days, as I hold concerns about who I am and where I am headed. The fact is... I'm the same girl as ever... and the same circumstances behold me as always.
Othello is a total gem - especially when I'm too busy for everything. He did my laundry last week and cooked for us several times. I need to get used to the fact that even though we're not offically partners ... he's my partner and I look to him for support and friendship and love. It's nice.
Anyways, I think it's that way with relationships too. I've been incredibly stressed out lately, what with school and work stress. Every time I'm way-stressed at work, I start to think that something is wrong with my relationship with Othello. Even when he reassures me that things have never been better, I get all "jiggy" (his words) about us.
Those words - the ones that are escaping me, but their thoughts do not - have been immensely comforting to me these past few days, as I hold concerns about who I am and where I am headed. The fact is... I'm the same girl as ever... and the same circumstances behold me as always.
Othello is a total gem - especially when I'm too busy for everything. He did my laundry last week and cooked for us several times. I need to get used to the fact that even though we're not offically partners ... he's my partner and I look to him for support and friendship and love. It's nice.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
I Still Think about Winslow Sometimes....
Things are not always as good or bad as we might think they are going to be.... Winslow never happened. I was never there. But I thought it would be great. In reality? Probably not. But I thought so.... Last Saturday I thought I was going to be single again. And if I was... then damn it! I was going to go to Winslow, finally.
Life.. it's too short to not follow our dreams. My coworker went ballistic in a meeting last week and threatened to shoot us. Life is way too short to not live the life that you dreamed of.
Wow... so I'm taking a good look at my life and realizing that all I've ever wanted, is that which I now have. I'm a lucky gal, and don't need Winslow to make my life complete.
How does this suit you? Dorothy Gale, PhD. ... Dr. Dorothy Gale. Hmmm. I'm not there yet, kits and kittens.... How about Mrs. Dorothy Gale-Othello, PhD? Now that's more like it!
Life.. it's too short to not follow our dreams. My coworker went ballistic in a meeting last week and threatened to shoot us. Life is way too short to not live the life that you dreamed of.
Wow... so I'm taking a good look at my life and realizing that all I've ever wanted, is that which I now have. I'm a lucky gal, and don't need Winslow to make my life complete.
How does this suit you? Dorothy Gale, PhD. ... Dr. Dorothy Gale. Hmmm. I'm not there yet, kits and kittens.... How about Mrs. Dorothy Gale-Othello, PhD? Now that's more like it!
Thursday, April 19, 2007
I Don't Want Another Columbine (or VT, or... you name it!)
Bitter Bill at work today, in the middle of a staff meeting... threatened to shoot all of us. He said he was serious. He ranted and raved and then we all spent the day jittery and wondering if he was really going to end us... our manager the Angel Michael, nipped Bitter Bill in the bud, talking with his manager and his manager above him. This started at 10:30 and by 3:00, I was sitting in a room full of HR folk, reiterating the story.
Arrgh.
Arrgh.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Significant Digits
Darling Othello is a complete mystery to me. There is a number that occurs over and over in our lives - it's in his email address, on his license plate, and pin codes. I know this number, yet he won't share its significance. All of his friends know this number because it is part of their culture of BMX riding.
If anyone knows why all of the BMX riding guys have the number 43 appear in every facet of their lives... if anyone can please tell me its significance and what it means (instead of, like Othello, smiling and saying "there are no words"...) I would be most grateful.
And plus, Othello told me that I would never find out... so y'all know I'm now out to prove him wrong!
If anyone knows why all of the BMX riding guys have the number 43 appear in every facet of their lives... if anyone can please tell me its significance and what it means (instead of, like Othello, smiling and saying "there are no words"...) I would be most grateful.
And plus, Othello told me that I would never find out... so y'all know I'm now out to prove him wrong!
Friday, April 13, 2007
Lucky Thirteen
So what? It's Friday the 13th. Big whoop, right?
My dad never wanted us kids to be superstitious...so he told us that since everyone else was having a bad day.... today was our LUCKY day (all of that bad luck has to balance out somewhere, right?).
I got up today and felt cheery and bright. It's hard to quantify how, other than that I miss my family in all it's idiosyncrasies.
My dad never wanted us kids to be superstitious...so he told us that since everyone else was having a bad day.... today was our LUCKY day (all of that bad luck has to balance out somewhere, right?).
I got up today and felt cheery and bright. It's hard to quantify how, other than that I miss my family in all it's idiosyncrasies.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Bashing Stereotypes
Over and over again during the Easter Holiday, I claimed that I was bashing stereotypes of Christians, because I could stand on a mountaintop and be closer to God in my heart, than someone who went to church three times on Resurrection Day.
So I started thinking about other stereotypes that I subscribed to... such as the fact that my extreme distaste for one certain Russian has coloured my view of all Russians. Don't get me wrong - I'm not a bigot. Well wait.. yes I am. That darn man I dated last summer... the one who was like peas and carrots? Based upon a sample of one, I held total disdain for all Russians.
Last month, I met yet another of Othello's long line of exs. She's a good gal and we are becoming fast friends. But we met for coffee. I got to Cicolet & Pain, "Chocolate and Bread" (What can be better?) first and sat at a patio table. Across the deck was the familiar "over-madeup" look of an otherwise gorgeous Ukrainian woman. Instantly I hated her. Then I spilled my coffee right in my lap, because God knows that I respond best to "instant karma". This woman ran over with a handful of napkins, and blotted my coat and pants until I was some semblance of dry.
You know what? I am a total a$$ for hating all Russians for the transgressions of one. And so I continue to bash stereotypes of Christians, by being what I wish all of us were (more accepting like Jesus... )... and now I do it without the 2x4 sticking out of my eye.
So I started thinking about other stereotypes that I subscribed to... such as the fact that my extreme distaste for one certain Russian has coloured my view of all Russians. Don't get me wrong - I'm not a bigot. Well wait.. yes I am. That darn man I dated last summer... the one who was like peas and carrots? Based upon a sample of one, I held total disdain for all Russians.
Last month, I met yet another of Othello's long line of exs. She's a good gal and we are becoming fast friends. But we met for coffee. I got to Cicolet & Pain, "Chocolate and Bread" (What can be better?) first and sat at a patio table. Across the deck was the familiar "over-madeup" look of an otherwise gorgeous Ukrainian woman. Instantly I hated her. Then I spilled my coffee right in my lap, because God knows that I respond best to "instant karma". This woman ran over with a handful of napkins, and blotted my coat and pants until I was some semblance of dry.
You know what? I am a total a$$ for hating all Russians for the transgressions of one. And so I continue to bash stereotypes of Christians, by being what I wish all of us were (more accepting like Jesus... )... and now I do it without the 2x4 sticking out of my eye.
Saturday, April 07, 2007
Where the Hell has the Time Gone?
Over 3.5 years ago, I wrote at the bottom of this post, that I would wait to be married for 3 years after my divorce.
Where has that time gone? In September, it will be 4 years since Nelson went crazy and we split up..... Sure I've gone and done some good things with my life.... but ... but...
I want to settle down again. Married, house, dog, kid. Man, wouldn't that be the life. It would be like... coming home.
-Dot.
Where has that time gone? In September, it will be 4 years since Nelson went crazy and we split up..... Sure I've gone and done some good things with my life.... but ... but...
I want to settle down again. Married, house, dog, kid. Man, wouldn't that be the life. It would be like... coming home.
-Dot.
Good ta See ya here, Yah?
Wow... I'm feeling like I'm finally starting to fit in, at grad school. One girl went to Australia for two weeks and missed the beginning of the term. She was so giggly and happy to see me just because I was there!
It is uncommon for me to have people treat me well, just because I am present. At work, like most places, it's a clique. But at school, these are people that I don't even know. And they are happy to know me on the sole principle of being present and accounted for. It's a nice feeling.
It is uncommon for me to have people treat me well, just because I am present. At work, like most places, it's a clique. But at school, these are people that I don't even know. And they are happy to know me on the sole principle of being present and accounted for. It's a nice feeling.
Friday, April 06, 2007
Good Friday
I have been longing to feel the way that I used to feel when I knew that we (the royal "we") were doing all that we could to worship and praise and be thankful to God for all that we have and all that we are. Was there ever such a time, at least when I wasn't miserable otherwise?
This morning my friend, who is a Christian Scientist, spoke of his Easter celebrations with family and friends. I felt jealous that he got to celebrate with those whom he loved. I miss celebrating my religious beliefs like that.
Last week I had food poisoning the worst that I've ever had, ever, in my life. It was disgusting and I was at one point sure that I'd die. Somewhere in the fugue of vomit and haze of a sleepless night, delirium took over and I could clearly see a little dorky 4-year old version of Othello, with hair the brightest copper. He looked just like his daddy, with puffy dark circles under his eyes, a sweetheart smile, and a backpack that matches both of ours. My little Hunter, in the Flesh!
Sweet little boy: I can't wait to meet you one day!
This morning my friend, who is a Christian Scientist, spoke of his Easter celebrations with family and friends. I felt jealous that he got to celebrate with those whom he loved. I miss celebrating my religious beliefs like that.
Last week I had food poisoning the worst that I've ever had, ever, in my life. It was disgusting and I was at one point sure that I'd die. Somewhere in the fugue of vomit and haze of a sleepless night, delirium took over and I could clearly see a little dorky 4-year old version of Othello, with hair the brightest copper. He looked just like his daddy, with puffy dark circles under his eyes, a sweetheart smile, and a backpack that matches both of ours. My little Hunter, in the Flesh!
Sweet little boy: I can't wait to meet you one day!
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Forcing the Issue: My Soliloquy to Survivors
Upon reading this article today, I am reminded of an ugly part of my past. Go on, skim the article... I am not as concerned about the fashion designer, as to what he allegedly did to those women and girls.
It is most upsetting, as a rape survivor, because I hate when people are systematically abused and society keeps letting them off the hook because of who they are... or worse yet... who you are... or the very worst... you are afraid to even speak up because you fear that no one would believe you.
The thing that I didn't know at age 15, was that when someone abuses you in that manner, it is ingrained into the way your mind works. Those are your formative years... the time when you are learning about yourself, the world and your body... you are deciding what you think is sexy, what you think is hot and how you like being treated not only in a dating relationship, but in a physical relationship and ultimately, marriage.
That was more than half my life ago! And yet sometimes I feel the pain like it happened yesterday. After a failed marriage with a man who turned violent... after a failed relationship with someone very controlling... after 6 months of singledom that felt like an eternity... 8 months into one of the first truly healthy relationships I've shared in my life... I'm starting to take the wind out of the sails that haunted me all these years.
No, I'm over being angry. It's just those things that get ingrained. The momentary thought that you'd actually like to be treated violently.... the fleeting recollection of pain mingled with the slightest amount of... what? Pleasure? Surely you jest. But anyone who has been through this knows what I'm talking about.
The longer time it's been since this terrible thing happened, the more I question whether I fought hard enough... should I have told someone? (of course I should have)... and... did I... like it?
I DID NOT LIKE IT. No one would. Yet the battle rages on until the wind dies down and I can hear my tiny voice clearly saying "No."
-Dot.
P.S. Intense therapy and drugs for depression were also needed to quiet my storm. I encourage anyone who's been treated violently, to seek professional help. Every day is a struggle at first, but then we learn to live and ultimately to love (ourselves - loving others is not really the problem).
It is most upsetting, as a rape survivor, because I hate when people are systematically abused and society keeps letting them off the hook because of who they are... or worse yet... who you are... or the very worst... you are afraid to even speak up because you fear that no one would believe you.
The thing that I didn't know at age 15, was that when someone abuses you in that manner, it is ingrained into the way your mind works. Those are your formative years... the time when you are learning about yourself, the world and your body... you are deciding what you think is sexy, what you think is hot and how you like being treated not only in a dating relationship, but in a physical relationship and ultimately, marriage.
That was more than half my life ago! And yet sometimes I feel the pain like it happened yesterday. After a failed marriage with a man who turned violent... after a failed relationship with someone very controlling... after 6 months of singledom that felt like an eternity... 8 months into one of the first truly healthy relationships I've shared in my life... I'm starting to take the wind out of the sails that haunted me all these years.
No, I'm over being angry. It's just those things that get ingrained. The momentary thought that you'd actually like to be treated violently.... the fleeting recollection of pain mingled with the slightest amount of... what? Pleasure? Surely you jest. But anyone who has been through this knows what I'm talking about.
The longer time it's been since this terrible thing happened, the more I question whether I fought hard enough... should I have told someone? (of course I should have)... and... did I... like it?
I DID NOT LIKE IT. No one would. Yet the battle rages on until the wind dies down and I can hear my tiny voice clearly saying "No."
-Dot.
P.S. Intense therapy and drugs for depression were also needed to quiet my storm. I encourage anyone who's been treated violently, to seek professional help. Every day is a struggle at first, but then we learn to live and ultimately to love (ourselves - loving others is not really the problem).
Friday, March 30, 2007
GTN & BTN; a dichotomy of my ex-husband
In speaking with my former sis-in-law, the lovely and elegant Natalia... I've come to the realization that my ex, Nelson, was in fact, two people. The Good Times Nelson (GTN) whom I fell in love with and felt was my lifelong soul mate, and Bad Times Nelson (BTN) who systematically killed and then replaced GTN, permanently.
Natalia suggested that I mourn and grieve for what I lost. It's been 4 years now. But I have never grieved for the one who stayed by my side through melanoma... who made me dinner and gave me baths when I couldn't get up... the one who patted my back and encouraged me to live my life - "Viva tu Vida!" I would learn many years later from my good friend, Jose. Yes, Nelson was a good person. But he had a dark side.
BTN was envious of my accomplishments, embarrassed to be seen with someone so beautiful, who attracted so much attention. While he wished to fade away into the woodwork, I was tasked with doing all of the work. I grew up and he did not. I thrived and flourished and he did not. Now I am still thriving, and he is married to someone apparently old enough to be his mother. Who treats him like his mother. Bleh.
There are moments when I get all worked up and angry again. Now that I'm done with this post, it seems that my anger is mostly subsided. I think this is nearing the end. It is time for closure.
-Dot.
Natalia suggested that I mourn and grieve for what I lost. It's been 4 years now. But I have never grieved for the one who stayed by my side through melanoma... who made me dinner and gave me baths when I couldn't get up... the one who patted my back and encouraged me to live my life - "Viva tu Vida!" I would learn many years later from my good friend, Jose. Yes, Nelson was a good person. But he had a dark side.
BTN was envious of my accomplishments, embarrassed to be seen with someone so beautiful, who attracted so much attention. While he wished to fade away into the woodwork, I was tasked with doing all of the work. I grew up and he did not. I thrived and flourished and he did not. Now I am still thriving, and he is married to someone apparently old enough to be his mother. Who treats him like his mother. Bleh.
There are moments when I get all worked up and angry again. Now that I'm done with this post, it seems that my anger is mostly subsided. I think this is nearing the end. It is time for closure.
-Dot.
Friday. Blue Shirt. Donut Mouth.
I always seem to think that my picture is best taken by my camera phone, in my cube, wearing my favourite blue shirt, on Fridays. Maybe it's because my hair and makeup are always nice because I know it's date night? Perhaps it's donut euphoria? Anyways, a new profile pic 4 u to enjoi!
-Dot.
-Dot.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
A Pair of 4 O'Clocks: Tales of a Late-Blooming Couple
So Othello is back home from Japan, safe and sound. We've been discussing our relationship, and especially our future today. We are happy where we are... but this equilibrium will not last forever.
I always get this notion of myself that I'm gonna be the "best ever ____" ... fill in the blank. But I never am. And then when I finally get to the point where I am the best ever "whatever".... I'm so far beyond caring about that, that it's insignificant to me. How weird is that?
O openly admits that he's a late-bloomer in life and in love and in his career. I still can't get that into my head, but I know it's true, since I'm still scrapping to make a name for myself and I'm on the short run to 40 years old. But together, we are so happy to be blossoming at the same rate.
I told him we're a couple 4 O'Clocks (they're flowers). He said we're gonna live to be 100... so there is lots of time for us to accomplish tons of things :-)
Dot.
I always get this notion of myself that I'm gonna be the "best ever ____" ... fill in the blank. But I never am. And then when I finally get to the point where I am the best ever "whatever".... I'm so far beyond caring about that, that it's insignificant to me. How weird is that?
O openly admits that he's a late-bloomer in life and in love and in his career. I still can't get that into my head, but I know it's true, since I'm still scrapping to make a name for myself and I'm on the short run to 40 years old. But together, we are so happy to be blossoming at the same rate.
I told him we're a couple 4 O'Clocks (they're flowers). He said we're gonna live to be 100... so there is lots of time for us to accomplish tons of things :-)
Dot.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Midwestern Values or Women Creating Their Own Glass Ceilings?
Yesterday we had a going-away party for Patty. She is a very capable woman in her mid 40s, who is bright and driven. Full of hard work, she exudes strength and family values.
Before the cake was cut, Patty felt compelled to mention the reason she is leaving. I find that this is a common reason for women in my line of work... and while noble and also while it is the same thing I would do... it is further... the same reason that men generally have longer and more successful careers than women: her family obligations were making her late for work.... and she felt badly about it. Patty felt like she was letting down her colleagues by having to drop off her daughter to school, pick her son up from practice... all while her retired husband was on the golf course.
Far be it from me to make a judgment on her husband - because everyone has their own side of the story. But it seems selfish. Patty went on to cite her Midwestern Values and Lutheran Upbringing as reasons that her guilt for not performing to her own standards, is so strong.
I wanted to walk up to her, give her a good hug, sit down and chat ... to encourage her. On the one hand, it broke my heart that yet another role-model for women in this man-filled office (70% of the execs, including Patty, are women), to guilt and family obligations. Girls... doesn't there HAVE TO BE A BETTER WAY than quitting? If so, I don't know what it is.
In all fairness, I know that when the day comes for me to pee on a stick, and it turns blue... I will make my family life come first. There is no hesitation in my heart about that. None whatsoever. But my fondest desire is to find an alternative to quitting, or stepping down, or pairing back on my duties.
Here's to the fallen, the ones who stepped down, the ones who (I fear) feel inadequate because they can't do everything. Ladies, I'd like to see a man be a "working mom". No... when I first started in this male dominated field, I was incredibly jealous - we all did the same job. I was even better than those guys most of the time (girls have to be, to make a name for themselves). They would go home to a clean house, dinner on the table, and a nice stiff drink in their easy-chair while reading the paper. I went home to dirty laundry and a bastard of a husband who expected me to pour him a drink, wash his socks, cook his supper and perform whatever else he expected his wife to do. My statement to them? Hey... I want a wife, too!
Here's to Chicks and their Careers. Live Long and Prosper!
Before the cake was cut, Patty felt compelled to mention the reason she is leaving. I find that this is a common reason for women in my line of work... and while noble and also while it is the same thing I would do... it is further... the same reason that men generally have longer and more successful careers than women: her family obligations were making her late for work.... and she felt badly about it. Patty felt like she was letting down her colleagues by having to drop off her daughter to school, pick her son up from practice... all while her retired husband was on the golf course.
Far be it from me to make a judgment on her husband - because everyone has their own side of the story. But it seems selfish. Patty went on to cite her Midwestern Values and Lutheran Upbringing as reasons that her guilt for not performing to her own standards, is so strong.
I wanted to walk up to her, give her a good hug, sit down and chat ... to encourage her. On the one hand, it broke my heart that yet another role-model for women in this man-filled office (70% of the execs, including Patty, are women), to guilt and family obligations. Girls... doesn't there HAVE TO BE A BETTER WAY than quitting? If so, I don't know what it is.
In all fairness, I know that when the day comes for me to pee on a stick, and it turns blue... I will make my family life come first. There is no hesitation in my heart about that. None whatsoever. But my fondest desire is to find an alternative to quitting, or stepping down, or pairing back on my duties.
Here's to the fallen, the ones who stepped down, the ones who (I fear) feel inadequate because they can't do everything. Ladies, I'd like to see a man be a "working mom". No... when I first started in this male dominated field, I was incredibly jealous - we all did the same job. I was even better than those guys most of the time (girls have to be, to make a name for themselves). They would go home to a clean house, dinner on the table, and a nice stiff drink in their easy-chair while reading the paper. I went home to dirty laundry and a bastard of a husband who expected me to pour him a drink, wash his socks, cook his supper and perform whatever else he expected his wife to do. My statement to them? Hey... I want a wife, too!
Here's to Chicks and their Careers. Live Long and Prosper!
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
He Beleagures Me....
First... don't ask... look it up.
Upon checking my voice mails after a coffee break... I find that "not-so-Mister-Wonderful" has called me again, waxing poetic about long-dead memories. I have asked him to stop calling for reasons not work-related, at least 5 times. He doesn't get it.
It must be obvious to anyone who knows me... that his constant reminders of that which did not work out... is a source of sour memories to me. My question to anyone reading is: shouldn't it be better by now? It's been a year already.... My usual over-analysis aside, it apparently affected me so deeply that I just want to let it fade away. The breakup was for a difference in life goals, not a lack of love (on my part). He initiated the deal-breaker.
So why does it hurt so bad, still? I don't actually want to be with him at all.. or talk with him. Or think about him in any manner. And it angers me that he will not leave him alone. For good or bad, I emailed M.W. this afternoon and said that if he doesn't stop emailing and calling me, I would file harassment charges and have Othello call him up "for a chat".
To be totally honest - for a few months after I broke up with him... it was really flattering that M.W. would call all of the time. I missed him and appreciated his continuing friendship. But the fun and games are over and he is moving into harassment and I don't like it anymore.
Wonder how his affianced would feel about all of this? Othello and I both don't think they'll even make it down the aisle (unless M.W. is really the gold-digger of the situation).
C'est La Vie. It is not for me to worry about unless he bothers me again.
-Dot.
P.S. Maybe we all should keep M.W. in our prayers. He's a messed up little puppy.
Upon checking my voice mails after a coffee break... I find that "not-so-Mister-Wonderful" has called me again, waxing poetic about long-dead memories. I have asked him to stop calling for reasons not work-related, at least 5 times. He doesn't get it.
It must be obvious to anyone who knows me... that his constant reminders of that which did not work out... is a source of sour memories to me. My question to anyone reading is: shouldn't it be better by now? It's been a year already.... My usual over-analysis aside, it apparently affected me so deeply that I just want to let it fade away. The breakup was for a difference in life goals, not a lack of love (on my part). He initiated the deal-breaker.
So why does it hurt so bad, still? I don't actually want to be with him at all.. or talk with him. Or think about him in any manner. And it angers me that he will not leave him alone. For good or bad, I emailed M.W. this afternoon and said that if he doesn't stop emailing and calling me, I would file harassment charges and have Othello call him up "for a chat".
To be totally honest - for a few months after I broke up with him... it was really flattering that M.W. would call all of the time. I missed him and appreciated his continuing friendship. But the fun and games are over and he is moving into harassment and I don't like it anymore.
Wonder how his affianced would feel about all of this? Othello and I both don't think they'll even make it down the aisle (unless M.W. is really the gold-digger of the situation).
C'est La Vie. It is not for me to worry about unless he bothers me again.
-Dot.
P.S. Maybe we all should keep M.W. in our prayers. He's a messed up little puppy.
My Love.... Are You Ready?
There is a song by Little Texas that goes
Chatting with Othello last night... online, I feel like I'm in a pretty neutral spot in my life when he's not around... and then we speak and my whole world starts spinning again. My heart is pumping, it's sure and it's strong.
His note this morning said "In a day, I will begin my journey back home, back to you." Swoon. Othello is not a poet, nor is he a romantic. So although his words often seem mundane... even the slightest hint of emotion must truly be internally significant.
My Love,To me that's a man saying to the woman that he loves "My heart is in the right spot, I want to be with you now and always".
Are you ready for my love
My Love?
My Love,
My love is ready for you
If you're lookin' for a heart that's always true
Only to you
Then my love...
My Love
My love is ready for you
Chatting with Othello last night... online, I feel like I'm in a pretty neutral spot in my life when he's not around... and then we speak and my whole world starts spinning again. My heart is pumping, it's sure and it's strong.
His note this morning said "In a day, I will begin my journey back home, back to you." Swoon. Othello is not a poet, nor is he a romantic. So although his words often seem mundane... even the slightest hint of emotion must truly be internally significant.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
I Can Live Without him... but I Don't Wanna!
Othello is still in Japan. Some bizarre thing has happened to me since he's left: I am still surviving on my own. In fact, Othello is not here to solve my problems, not here to listen to my every utterance... and the world still turns.... Albeit a bit darker without his hand to hold, without his breath in my ear, whispering encouraging words.
He spoke with me last night for the first time in over a week. You know, there is a big difference between needing someone and wanting someone around. I definitely want Othello in my life. He mentioned that when he returns, he will lighten his workload and be there for me. I love that.
Working out my inner demons is something that I needed to do alone. And unfortunately I was not capable of claiming that space for myself. But through all of the unexpected and unwelcome surprises, the strength that permeates me as a human being is phenomenal - it's almost unbelievable that instead of having a hissy-fit, I can choose my reaction.
Anyways, the big deal is that it's okay to be alone once in a while. Sometimes God has plans for us that we can't hear until everything has quieted down and there is nothing left except for the crickets.
BTW... here's a picture of my man, on what he called "The Hakuba Death March"... yes, he's wearing a helmet, goggles, and a snowboard strapped to his back..
He spoke with me last night for the first time in over a week. You know, there is a big difference between needing someone and wanting someone around. I definitely want Othello in my life. He mentioned that when he returns, he will lighten his workload and be there for me. I love that.
Working out my inner demons is something that I needed to do alone. And unfortunately I was not capable of claiming that space for myself. But through all of the unexpected and unwelcome surprises, the strength that permeates me as a human being is phenomenal - it's almost unbelievable that instead of having a hissy-fit, I can choose my reaction.
Anyways, the big deal is that it's okay to be alone once in a while. Sometimes God has plans for us that we can't hear until everything has quieted down and there is nothing left except for the crickets.
BTW... here's a picture of my man, on what he called "The Hakuba Death March"... yes, he's wearing a helmet, goggles, and a snowboard strapped to his back..
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Sixteen Big Ones
Doing my taxes the other day.... I made 16 more big ones this year than last year. What exactly do I have to show for it? Unknown, as I am 10 big ones more in the hole than last year too.
Guess my lifestyle is doing okay. I dress well, eat too much and drive a 2003 vehicle. It's not like I have a 1984 Yugo or anything.... (smirk). Oh, I travelled thrice last year. And I don't have a sugar-daddy anymore (as if I ever did)... what else?
Anyways, the cost of living is high in California. But sixteen big ones bigger? Wow. I should be getting my loans and such paid off and saving and giving more. Pray for me to do just that.
Dot.
Guess my lifestyle is doing okay. I dress well, eat too much and drive a 2003 vehicle. It's not like I have a 1984 Yugo or anything.... (smirk). Oh, I travelled thrice last year. And I don't have a sugar-daddy anymore (as if I ever did)... what else?
Anyways, the cost of living is high in California. But sixteen big ones bigger? Wow. I should be getting my loans and such paid off and saving and giving more. Pray for me to do just that.
Dot.
I Can't Effing Believe I Did That!!!
That loving, loving man I call my boyfriend is in Japan and I totally had a melt-down over a couple of stupid things this morning that are creating jealousy in my life.
I blew up because his house is riddled with signs of ex girlfriends - a random note under a stack of magazines, a lipstick-kissed envelope in a book, a picture taken in Vegas. So I came home from work, checked my email, and then got a box and "sanitized" his house.
And while I was putting all of the notes and pictures in what my family has endearingly called "The X Files" for years (mom's is full of pictures and gifts from me and ex-boyfriends-a-plenty), darling Othello was IM'ing me all the way from Nagano. He logged off before I stopped having my hissy-fit and checked my messages again.
Othello misses me too. He said so. And I'm sitting here crying my eyes out, rueful of the day I was born, missing him bad. In case anyone missed it ... here' s a news-flash: I have fallen deeply in love with this man. The "take-your-breath-away" kind that keeps you up at night, hoping against all hope that your undying love is reciprocated in some way.
Peace, love, and thanks for listening to my latest screw-ball attempt at being an adult.
Dot.
I blew up because his house is riddled with signs of ex girlfriends - a random note under a stack of magazines, a lipstick-kissed envelope in a book, a picture taken in Vegas. So I came home from work, checked my email, and then got a box and "sanitized" his house.
And while I was putting all of the notes and pictures in what my family has endearingly called "The X Files" for years (mom's is full of pictures and gifts from me and ex-boyfriends-a-plenty), darling Othello was IM'ing me all the way from Nagano. He logged off before I stopped having my hissy-fit and checked my messages again.
Othello misses me too. He said so. And I'm sitting here crying my eyes out, rueful of the day I was born, missing him bad. In case anyone missed it ... here' s a news-flash: I have fallen deeply in love with this man. The "take-your-breath-away" kind that keeps you up at night, hoping against all hope that your undying love is reciprocated in some way.
Peace, love, and thanks for listening to my latest screw-ball attempt at being an adult.
Dot.
Monday, March 05, 2007
Alone for Two Weeks!
Othello is in Japan, snowboarding. I am staying at his house, because my house is apparently in "Heroin Heights"... an up and coming neighborhood downtown :-(
You know, his house is no fun without him around. I was looking for a stapler in his desk last night and found some nasty note he had written about his exes. Not the mean kind of nasty either. My choices are to get really angry or to say "that was in the past". Either way.... it will look like I am being petty and like I was snooping if I mention it. Blah.
I've been thinking that it's a lot like when the folks would go away when I was younger. I could drink out of the milk carton, put my feet up on the couch, and not make my bed! With Othello out of the country, I've been walking around the living room without my slippers and not using coasters on the coffee table. Last night, horror of horrors, I did not wash the dishes. Now there are two bowls and four cups in the sink, unwashed! Unclean! OMG.
He will be home a week from this Friday. Not too long at all. Wonder if he even misses me? He was really edgy before he left and had I argued back... we would have fought. He grabbed my cell phone out of my hand in frustration. How does one react? Is that kind of outburst forgivable? We are not even married... Would I consider being in a long term relationship with another person who treats me like that?
My nerves are shot.
You know, his house is no fun without him around. I was looking for a stapler in his desk last night and found some nasty note he had written about his exes. Not the mean kind of nasty either. My choices are to get really angry or to say "that was in the past". Either way.... it will look like I am being petty and like I was snooping if I mention it. Blah.
I've been thinking that it's a lot like when the folks would go away when I was younger. I could drink out of the milk carton, put my feet up on the couch, and not make my bed! With Othello out of the country, I've been walking around the living room without my slippers and not using coasters on the coffee table. Last night, horror of horrors, I did not wash the dishes. Now there are two bowls and four cups in the sink, unwashed! Unclean! OMG.
He will be home a week from this Friday. Not too long at all. Wonder if he even misses me? He was really edgy before he left and had I argued back... we would have fought. He grabbed my cell phone out of my hand in frustration. How does one react? Is that kind of outburst forgivable? We are not even married... Would I consider being in a long term relationship with another person who treats me like that?
My nerves are shot.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Coming out of the Dark
There have been a number of sketchy times in my past - all before I began this blog - where I thought my life was so dark. Sometimes, like preparations for the Jewish Seder, I get on the floor with a candle and a feather .... the floor of my brain, the floor of my heart.... and clean. Shining a light on the problems to sweep away the cob-webs is an incredibly important aspect for me to continue to grow in the light, in the love that is now my life.
Othello is leaving for Japan on Saturday. Guess what? I am not nervous or scared for him, nor for myself that either of us with do something against the lovely relationship that we have going. Sigh. It's good. It's really good!
Dot.
Othello is leaving for Japan on Saturday. Guess what? I am not nervous or scared for him, nor for myself that either of us with do something against the lovely relationship that we have going. Sigh. It's good. It's really good!
Dot.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Cut Them Straings... or Wash that Man Right Out of My Hair ... or Would that I Could Have Been A Gold-digger!
M.W.... you know... my "old" old boyfriend? He is newly engaged and he still will not stop calling me! It's true that we work in the same business and sometimes have professional interests that are the same. But he calls me when he's bored, when he's alone, when his precious affianced is not there? What would dear Susan think of her hub-t0-be calling his ex all of the time?
sidebar
Oh, back to the point: I am so sick of his bull..... that I changed my cell phone number so that he can no longer reach me by phone, and so that I don't have to turn off my phone when I'm with Othello, in fear that M.W. is going to call, or worse yet... go off about the past again.
sidebar
Plus, I just don't want to hear the crap he's peddling. It does me no good in life to know that he still looks back fondly on our relationship. What I think now is what I feared then: that I was just a cheap piece of arm-candy for an old man to enjoy. Seriously... this girlfriend didn't get what she signed up for... not even close. So if I had a wish to go back in time... I'd have accepted the trips, the jewelry, the dinners, the gifts./sidebar
See, my entire goal was to be a good wife-to-be. And when I look back and see that he and his friends were either laughing at me for being such an easy catch for an old guy who wasn't planning on giving me anything... or else that by being amicable, I edged myself right out of the picture... I shoulda been a gold-digger.
Oh, back to the point: I am so sick of his bull..... that I changed my cell phone number so that he can no longer reach me by phone, and so that I don't have to turn off my phone when I'm with Othello, in fear that M.W. is going to call, or worse yet... go off about the past again.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Give Until it Hurts
Othello was knocked off his socks last night when I presented his Valentine's gift a few hours early. The object does not matter; it was something that he desperately wanted and was completely surprised by receiving before his birthday. He thought it was too expensive to receive any other time.
He is always concerned about my finances, and it's so sweet. But I've always been one with the school of thought that a person with lots of money has nothing more valuable to give than their time and effort: I made his card with tape and scissors. And I gave until it hurt.
I guess that to me, it doesn't mean a whole heck of a lot unless I feel it too.
That's really a problem with a lot of people I know... they skate by on the bare minimum and then wonder why they don't feel anything in their lives. You have to get wrapped up in it in order to feel it!
Don't tell Othello... but beyond loving him infinitely, I'm really starting to feel the tide of love washing me under. Letting go of old fears and starting a new era of trust and emotional sharing...
Getting that good googly feeling of being together. But it scares him, so I'm still on the D.L. :-)
Happy V-day!
Dot.
He is always concerned about my finances, and it's so sweet. But I've always been one with the school of thought that a person with lots of money has nothing more valuable to give than their time and effort: I made his card with tape and scissors. And I gave until it hurt.
I guess that to me, it doesn't mean a whole heck of a lot unless I feel it too.
That's really a problem with a lot of people I know... they skate by on the bare minimum and then wonder why they don't feel anything in their lives. You have to get wrapped up in it in order to feel it!
Don't tell Othello... but beyond loving him infinitely, I'm really starting to feel the tide of love washing me under. Letting go of old fears and starting a new era of trust and emotional sharing...
Getting that good googly feeling of being together. But it scares him, so I'm still on the D.L. :-)
Happy V-day!
Dot.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
My Little Stalker.... or Staying out of the Rain!
On my walk home from work tonight, I committed a faux pas of tiny proportions: talking on my cell phone for two of the three-block stretch.
Picture it: my town, downtown, in the rain. It's nearing dusk. Trudge trudge trudge... Carrying my open golf-sized umbrella. What's that!!! Is someone following me?
I turn halfway around and listen while still talking to my doctor's office on my cell. Nuthin. Okay... trudge trudge trudge... "Goodbye Dr. Ben".... Now wait a second.... I think there *is* someone following me! Turn all the way around and stop.
A little man about 5'2" was standing there, staring up at me. "WHUT!" he said, "Can't blame a guy for tryin' to stay out of the rain!!!" Then he just stalked off into the sunset, as it were.
Hahahahahahahahahaha ha! The man of minuscule proportions was sharing my umbrella with me.
Not sure why, but it's pretty darn funny!
Dot.
Picture it: my town, downtown, in the rain. It's nearing dusk. Trudge trudge trudge... Carrying my open golf-sized umbrella. What's that!!! Is someone following me?
I turn halfway around and listen while still talking to my doctor's office on my cell. Nuthin. Okay... trudge trudge trudge... "Goodbye Dr. Ben".... Now wait a second.... I think there *is* someone following me! Turn all the way around and stop.
A little man about 5'2" was standing there, staring up at me. "WHUT!" he said, "Can't blame a guy for tryin' to stay out of the rain!!!" Then he just stalked off into the sunset, as it were.
Hahahahahahahahahaha ha! The man of minuscule proportions was sharing my umbrella with me.
Not sure why, but it's pretty darn funny!
Dot.
Friday, February 02, 2007
A New "old" Love Song
In the past few weeks I've been dealing with trying to figure out what's going on in my romantic life. Dating a man who's become my very best friend in so many respects, who's become my partner in many recreational endeavors.... The thing that causes concern is that we are both very protective of our hearts - we don't want to let the other one inside...
I found that 1980s love songs seem to say a lot of what I need to say about my dear Othello. For instance, 'mode has a song called Somebody, which is adequate. When in Rome's "The Promise"....
Anyhow, I want to shout from the roof-tops, that I want to fall in googly-woogly love with my man. But until then, we'll enjoy the best that bestest friends have to offer.
I found that 1980s love songs seem to say a lot of what I need to say about my dear Othello. For instance, 'mode has a song called Somebody, which is adequate. When in Rome's "The Promise"....
Anyhow, I want to shout from the roof-tops, that I want to fall in googly-woogly love with my man. But until then, we'll enjoy the best that bestest friends have to offer.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Buena Sera
My birthday weekend consisted of snowboarding. It was such a blast! Plus I got new boots. Wahoo. And a helmet.
Monday came and went with work, school, a dozen roses, and the best Italian food I've had since moving to California. (This place, with the exception of North Beach in SF, is not known for their Italian food).
Anyways.... that's about it. Confusing time in a new relationship. To love or let myself love? That is the question.
Monday came and went with work, school, a dozen roses, and the best Italian food I've had since moving to California. (This place, with the exception of North Beach in SF, is not known for their Italian food).
Anyways.... that's about it. Confusing time in a new relationship. To love or let myself love? That is the question.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
"Jesus Saves!"
When we were about 8 or 9, me and Jay and JD (my older brother, whose name I use so infrequently in my blog, I can't even remember what I call him) liked to put things to the test. So when Mom used to say that Jesus would save us from anything as long as we uttered His name.... we were instantly thinking the same thing....
The plan was for one or more of us to jump down the stairs (12 steps) whilst yelling "Jesus"... because of course, Jesus would save us and we wouldn't get hurt. Yeah right. So no one wanted to go first. Man I was standing there on the landing at the top and it just looked...so...far...down.
So we went and found the black cat, Sammy, and while yelling "Jesus", we threw her down instead. Probably two or three times. She lived, so our experiment "worked" and "Jesus Saved".
Praise the Lord!
The plan was for one or more of us to jump down the stairs (12 steps) whilst yelling "Jesus"... because of course, Jesus would save us and we wouldn't get hurt. Yeah right. So no one wanted to go first. Man I was standing there on the landing at the top and it just looked...so...far...down.
So we went and found the black cat, Sammy, and while yelling "Jesus", we threw her down instead. Probably two or three times. She lived, so our experiment "worked" and "Jesus Saved".
Praise the Lord!
Leave the Light On
Beth Hart is gritty and soulful and says exactly what I was feeling a few years back in her hit "Leave the Light On". Her line that says "I swore to God I'd never be what I've become"... man back in 2002 I was right there with her. Stuck in a crappy marriage and a hell-hole job.. Phew.
Yesterday I learned that one of my life's goals.. one of my biggest dreams was becoming true. The dream I had ever since I first learned about my field of meteorology... I said I was going to get a PhD one day and become a certified consultant. Well I'm in grad school. And consulting is right around the corner. But the lisence that one must obtain is pretty challenging. Man, I have most of the criteria met and it looks like things continue to fall into place.
As I continue getting to know Othello, he was literally shocked to know some of the things of my past - both good and bad. The certified consultant thing was probably one of the biggest ones as he thought I was just stagnating in my field, with nowhere else to go. Even though that is not true... it has been difficult for me since Nelson (my ex) always insisted that I would never ever be happy, never be content. Why did he say that?
Flux.
"I ain't that bad, I'm just messed up; I ain't that sad... but I'm sad enough". Who am I to judge myself for being a little sad sometimes? The entire world is at my door and yet Dorothy continues to focus on what she doesn't have. (a husband and tiny little happy babies).
Dude, now that is messed up.
Yesterday I learned that one of my life's goals.. one of my biggest dreams was becoming true. The dream I had ever since I first learned about my field of meteorology... I said I was going to get a PhD one day and become a certified consultant. Well I'm in grad school. And consulting is right around the corner. But the lisence that one must obtain is pretty challenging. Man, I have most of the criteria met and it looks like things continue to fall into place.
As I continue getting to know Othello, he was literally shocked to know some of the things of my past - both good and bad. The certified consultant thing was probably one of the biggest ones as he thought I was just stagnating in my field, with nowhere else to go. Even though that is not true... it has been difficult for me since Nelson (my ex) always insisted that I would never ever be happy, never be content. Why did he say that?
Flux.
"I ain't that bad, I'm just messed up; I ain't that sad... but I'm sad enough". Who am I to judge myself for being a little sad sometimes? The entire world is at my door and yet Dorothy continues to focus on what she doesn't have. (a husband and tiny little happy babies).
Dude, now that is messed up.
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