Have Hope or... Are you there God? It's me, Dorothy...

Riding my bike home from a trail-trek with Othello this morning... we had breakfast. He went on about how he is soulsearching and attempting to find out who he is. Then Othello criticized my dating men 10 years older than me. (Even though that's only 44, which is pretty young, if you ask me).

I'd all but given up on the hope that I would have a partner, a lover, a co-equal and a co-parent. Othello WAS all that I'd wanted... but it didn't work out... it would not have worked out even if we had been okay with what we'd had... because there was a lack of compatibility, because there was a difference of goals, I could go on and on and on.

So why hope, all of a sudden? The night I came back to Othello, I prayed so hard that I was doing the right thing. We went for a walk and I saw this car with plates that said "Fere Not"... Back then, I had a sign, a confirmation that I was not to be afraid of entering into that relationship. Today... I saw a car with plates saying "HavHope"...

So I decided to Praise the Lord and not give up hope...

Peace,
Dot.

BTW... if anyone knows a guy under 45, who wants a successful, stable gal, and to have kids... do let me know, okay???

Go With What You Know!

What is that bible verse about trusting God and not your gut? You know the one ... it's something to do with the fact that emotions are fallible, but God's truth is something that you can believe in, even when you don't feel it....

Anyways, I think it's that way with relationships too. I've been incredibly stressed out lately, what with school and work stress. Every time I'm way-stressed at work, I start to think that something is wrong with my relationship with Othello. Even when he reassures me that things have never been better, I get all "jiggy" (his words) about us.

Those words - the ones that are escaping me, but their thoughts do not - have been immensely comforting to me these past few days, as I hold concerns about who I am and where I am headed. The fact is... I'm the same girl as ever... and the same circumstances behold me as always.

Othello is a total gem - especially when I'm too busy for everything. He did my laundry last week and cooked for us several times. I need to get used to the fact that even though we're not offically partners ... he's my partner and I look to him for support and friendship and love. It's nice.

It all Blended together

Jayleigh mentioned synesthesia to me the other day... it's like when all of your senses mingle together and you can "taste" a colour, smell a number, etc. Some people have this condition, and I can appreciate its uniqueness. Today I opened a book of short stories and "Synesthesia" was the title of it. A woman was remembering her late husband (by the same name as my Othello) and talking about an "Othello" rose that she planted in remembrance of him.

Over the Thanksgiving weekend, I started thinking what would happen to me if anything bad ever happened to my Othello. My world is wrapped up in the plans we are making together. As we continue to learn about eachother, likes and dislikes, personality quirks and the like... we fall deeply in love.

Watching the new Hugh Jackman movie called "The Fountain"... I sympathized deeply with the character Tommy who was losing Izzy, his wife. He went to the ends of the earth and beyond, to "save" her. It spoke so deeply to the place in my heart that has found a mate in Othello. The bonding, the love, the partnership....

Sometimes Othello says I tell him "I love you" too often. He doesn't realize that my heart is so happy and full since he has been in my life, that it just pops out automatically! Because I do love him, in fact, I care more about him and this relationship than I have ever cared about another man. While some may think it is easy to say that... this is a deeper, more complete relationship than has ever been experienced in my life.

When my love overflows and comes out of my eyes in the form of tears... when the words form a lump in my throat because they come out so strong, so fast, so often... as a hug turns into an aching heart because I love "us" so much that it hurts... I am grateful, thankful, and glad to be with my Othello.