Moving on.. but still mourning My Beloved.....

No matter how I move forward in my life.... my beloved Othello is always there. Last night I asked him why he still felt so close to me. We both decided that it's because we still feel like partners. That's messed up because we broke up and don't want to get back together. He thinks I require too much attention.

He said "We were sooooooo close. But I wasn't in love with you and couldn't give you what you needed from me".

And this is creating distance how? It just hit me again like a ton of bricks.

I'm having a ball with all of the gentlemen calling on me these days. El Guapo spent a good chunk of time with me in the late morning/early afternoon. In fact, there is quite a bit of chemistry between us. To the point where it was necessary for me to say that I couldn't be with him if there was not a distinct possibility of children in our future.

So the question for tomorrow's episode is this: Can Dorothy actually walk away from someone who she is starting to fall for, only because he doesn't think he wants children?

Okay.. keep me in your prayers, please?

Thanks.

Dot

Leave the Light On

Beth Hart is gritty and soulful and says exactly what I was feeling a few years back in her hit "Leave the Light On". Her line that says "I swore to God I'd never be what I've become"... man back in 2002 I was right there with her. Stuck in a crappy marriage and a hell-hole job.. Phew.

Yesterday I learned that one of my life's goals.. one of my biggest dreams was becoming true. The dream I had ever since I first learned about my field of meteorology... I said I was going to get a PhD one day and become a certified consultant. Well I'm in grad school. And consulting is right around the corner. But the lisence that one must obtain is pretty challenging. Man, I have most of the criteria met and it looks like things continue to fall into place.

As I continue getting to know Othello, he was literally shocked to know some of the things of my past - both good and bad. The certified consultant thing was probably one of the biggest ones as he thought I was just stagnating in my field, with nowhere else to go. Even though that is not true... it has been difficult for me since Nelson (my ex) always insisted that I would never ever be happy, never be content. Why did he say that?

Flux.

"I ain't that bad, I'm just messed up; I ain't that sad... but I'm sad enough". Who am I to judge myself for being a little sad sometimes? The entire world is at my door and yet Dorothy continues to focus on what she doesn't have. (a husband and tiny little happy babies).

Dude, now that is messed up.

He Turns 21 Tonight...

Pellegrino and I dated in high school. For reasons still not clear to me, we fell out of favor with eachother (after two years of dating). Looking back, I think it was because he was too busy working, or something like that. And that's when I met Nelson, dumped Pell and the rest, as they say, was history. Years later, Jayleigh met Pellegrino's baby son, who was named "Joey"... my nickname.

Yes, I've always felt the regret... knew that Pell was as confused as me. But then, we make our choices, move forward, and go on with our lives. So why did I have a lengthy dream about Pellegrino last night? Why did we talk about it, what went wrong, and how to avoid those mistakes in the future? I kept saying "the key is communication... we didn't talk to one-another and needed to do that, to be brutally honest"...

My thought is that I stopped running, finally. Stopped running from the past, from my exes, and from my own brain. So Pell and I sat on a bench, in a park, with snow all around (even though it was really hot outside), chatting about what went wrong, what went right, that while we could never go back... we can certainly move forward and not make those same mistakes again.

After I woke up, I called Othello and told him about my dream. He laughed that I was really scraping the bottom of the barrel, going back to the high-school boyfriends and working out the problems in my dreams. But the fact is, after almost 20 years, I'm dealing with issues that have been hiding out, that I run from.

As Pellegrino was standing up to walk out of my dreams, he said "I'm turning 21 tonight... I'm turning 21 tonight, Dorothy, I'm turning 21 TONIGHT"

How odd.