What We Do For Love...

Looking back at the past year, there were several warning signs that things with M.W. were not going well. At some point, he had asked me to be patient with him and try to just "live in the moment"... I was never very good at it, but still tried... because I love him so much.

Another thing I did to show him my love, was to try not to complain about ending up in the bay area 3 or 4 weekends a month, since before Christmas. Except for one weekend where he came here for the afternoon, and the last time he came to see me, it was sometime way before Christmas when he last spent the weekend. But again... something I did because I loved him.

At Christmas, he took time out of his workday to see all of the folks he works with, take them little Christmas trinkets, and tries to drum up business. Somehow, I'd always assumed we would do it together, be in business together one day. It should have dawned on me when he quit sharing the financial details of his business, when he wouldn't let me help with the month-end accounting.

Today, he told me that he was going to take some dvds around to all of the stations. It's something quite unique... but I'm thinking two things: First, why could they not be mailed? But of course, then he couldn't drum up the business. And second? That kind of way out of your way gesture of unexpected kindness? That's what you do for someone when you're in love.

He loves his job. Good for him.

I really really like my job, but my life is defined by and is made better with the relationships I've had with people. You know, it wasn't a problem with me.. the reason why he didn't love me enough. It was his problem for being married to his work (work which I respect, but no room for anything besides a human to share parties and church, I guess).

Today I felt stronger and angrier that I have in a long time. I was mad at him for tearing my walls down and just leaving me here, exposed to the world. He asked me to trust him, and I did.... because I loved him so.

So many facets of life I enjoy because of the experiences we shared together. I do not regret them. I am truely sorry that they do not go on. But our friendship still remains intact.

My mom says I should just "break it off for good" and get on with my life. I can't do that, because he is my best friend. Even after this breakup, I think we're better friends because I stopped caring about making him happy, and he isn't worried about always hurting my feelings.

With the depth of my heart, I will hurt over this infinitely. But someday, somehow... someone will do for me, for love... what no one else would do.