Not the Mama...

Ambivalence had been the over-riding sentiment about me having children, for years. With a slob of a spouse, depressed and fat, how could I (of all people) be an adequate parent to two, three, four little bundles of joy that masquerade as eating, crying, pooping little people? So, during 10 years of marriage I did not have kids.

Following the breakup, I had baby fever so bad that I would cry if a baby smiled at me in the grocery store; my heart would well up when I saw so much as a tiny set of fingers poking out from below a blankie-covered car seat. Even last month, it seemed alright to take Mister Wonderful to see the baby furniture which I had picked out years ago, at this store in Michigan.

The thought of baby Z and baby O filled my mind for the last year and a half -- sometimes they were the only reasons which I made it thru a day and took care of myself. I dreamed of them. Holding, feeding, loving, changing, growing together as a family, having them wake me up early on a Saturday morning, being late to the office because little Z didn't want to ride the bus on her first day of school, having to borrow the neighbor's truck in order to get O's science project to school, because he made it about 3 inches to wide, to fit into Mommy's SUV. They were what I've been living for because they were my future, my purpose, the rest of my life.

I came to a place where I no longer believed that I had to change the world on my own; giving birth and growing up responsible adults seemed like an adequate way to make a difference because they were going to be so much more than the sum of their parts.

The Talk
Mister Wonderful is just that: wonderful. So why have there been all these little hints around lately? Why was I getting a vibe that said "sister, we gotta talk". Turns out that he didn't even realize it at the front of his brain until we started talking. But in the end it seems, he was going thru a phase of wanting children too. How do I know this? Because that phase is over.

It seems almost comical that he encouraged me so much, that I could be a good parent. Months ago, I told him that if he hadn't wanted children when we began dating, we wouldn't have dated because that willingness was a deal-breaker for me.

I Hate Myself for Loving You
The most incredibly difficult part of the last day is the fact that my two biggest and best dreams are mutually exclusive. Do I give up the dream of children for a wonderful man who I may end up resenting because of it? Or do I give up the man of my dreams in order to be with a mediocre person who is willing to have kids? What if I marry someone mediocre and I still don't have kids? What if I stay with Mister Wonderful and God decides to bless us with kids anyways?

A Song for the Season
While this one comes from a sad, sappy love song... the sentiment of the refrain still applies.

Somewhere in my Broken Heart
by Billy Dean

I hope that in time
You will find what you long for --
Love that's written in the stars.

And when you finally do
I hope you will see it --
Somewhere in my Broken Heart.