I know I promised not to cry again tonight...

Well, I didn't promise you that I wouldn't cry. But I did promise me....

Sidebar: oh shit, I forgot to take my medication today. I'm so stupid and forgetful when working overnight shifts.

Anyways.... I was thinking about the babies again. Just went outside and saw the constellation after which I will name my firstborn son. Perhaps I will not give birth so much as adopt him. But he will be my son. And I will name him after my favourite constellation.

I have this image in my mind about taking them for ice-cream or something. Playing in the park. Giving baths. Putting them to bed. Waking them up. Getting them ready for school. Filling out permission slips, making lunches, taking forgotton homework to school, smiling, laughing. There was a woman with her little girl when I was at my allergist the other day. They were playing a silly game of making faces at eachother. Normally I would sit there with a smug sense of superiority because I look hot these days. Hot! But my life felt pallid at that moment. The sense of loss that I feel when thinking about giving up that dream makes me feel utterly gray, as though my reason for being has taken a downturn. Like I'm "less equal" because I'm not giving from the hurty part of the heart.

So I think all the time about what it means that M.W. is not all that excited about having a family again. Whether it's in God's Plan for me to have a family is still up to Him... but I hope M.W. changes his mind and lets what happens, happen, "irregardless" of what else happens "at this point in time".

I still have a certaintude about our foreverness. I do.... I really do.