It was, perhaps, the innocence...

He was the kind of person she felt... that needed protecting. Sort of like he couldn't navigate his way thru the world on his own. Even though he was smart and somewhat motivated & accomplished... she still felt this motherly, protective side of her always sticking up for him.

Gawky, awkward, bespeckled, and shouting inappropriate things a la Turretts... she had the impression that he was the kicky little brother that all big sisters love to hate. Long ago, she'd known someone just like him. Hell... they even looked alike. And even though they only met a few times... she felt the same way about him... right from the beginning.

This time, it made her nervous. Because this time, there would be no room for error. The new rule of the day was to not let anyone get too close, and don't get too close to anyone. At work, that is. Or at school. Home was a different story, because even though she loved her apartment more than any place she'd lived in the last half-decade... she didn't feel like that was where her heart was. It was split between a rock and a hard place, 2500 miles apart, and each 1500 miles or so from her.

She avoided eye contact, she avoided going out of her way to say hello. And all of a sudden... she realized that people were asking "who's that girl?"... They wanted to know her! She's never been popular... but when she started shutting up long enough for people to ask who she was instead of her proclaiming it from the roof-tops... it created an air of mystique around her that she sometimes heard people whispering about from the opposite desks.

They all wanted to know about her trips; her school-work; her weekends. They held the door for her and bought her diet cokes.

She was flattered. She smiled. And she started to realize more than ever before, that she never wanted to protect that lil' guy after all... She just saw an innocence in him that she knew was lost to her a long time ago.

She's older now. Wiser too... she'll never let 'em see her sweat. And whenever she sees that innocence, she'll cherish it silently, she'll cherish it alone. Smile, pray, and thank God for helping her learn this lesson -- at least -- a little easier than the rest.

...and She was Cool, without even tryin'.....

Remember back in college when one of your classmates had something in common with the instructor... something specialized... like a cool job or common background? They were instant friends and always had something to chat about, because of this connection? That was never me.

I was so damn jealous of people who seemed so natural when chatting with the prof about this or that. My mode has always been to be so nervous I would get choked up. In recent years, it's been not quite as bad. Mainly because I'm a busy woman and don't give a damn what the prof thinks of me.

Perhaps that's where this break occured. Because now I'm the one that the prof wants to chat with after class... makes lots of side-comments to in class... Since I'm Dorothy... I guess you might be able to call him Toto? Ha... Nah... he used to be a pilot. My job supports pilots. See where I'm going with that?

This all reminds me of the day I did my programming presentation last term. Since I'd worked over 100 hours thru the term, programming my little bum off... I was totally comfortable and in fact, really willing to chat about and explain how I spent my allotted time. It also reminds me of yesterday, when my supervisor accused me of not doing my entire job the other day. And since I never cut corners... I was able to prove to him that I did not, and he had to make an apology. Now, since I know what I'm talking about and am more prepared than ever before.... maybe it's my ease and knowledge that prompts people to talk to me.

I'm not used to being the one that everyone wants to hang with. Two people approached me to do the class project. Two women. Two women on the face of this earth approached Dorothy, Not of Kansas. It's a monumental occasion. They are not jealous, and they certainly feel that I must have some kind of intelligence. To be honest... I'm really believing it too (big grin).

So tomorrow is the big day: I'm going to California to collect my birthday gifts. Okay, okay... to see Mister Wonderful and little Miss Kiki Wonderful! I'm not anxious about turning "over 30". I love them both, and I'm certain it will be a wonderful and romantic weekend. Perhaps MW will garner a first name this weekend? If he plays his cards right... I'll call him Romeo...

I know I promised not to cry again tonight...

Well, I didn't promise you that I wouldn't cry. But I did promise me....

Sidebar: oh shit, I forgot to take my medication today. I'm so stupid and forgetful when working overnight shifts.

Anyways.... I was thinking about the babies again. Just went outside and saw the constellation after which I will name my firstborn son. Perhaps I will not give birth so much as adopt him. But he will be my son. And I will name him after my favourite constellation.

I have this image in my mind about taking them for ice-cream or something. Playing in the park. Giving baths. Putting them to bed. Waking them up. Getting them ready for school. Filling out permission slips, making lunches, taking forgotton homework to school, smiling, laughing. There was a woman with her little girl when I was at my allergist the other day. They were playing a silly game of making faces at eachother. Normally I would sit there with a smug sense of superiority because I look hot these days. Hot! But my life felt pallid at that moment. The sense of loss that I feel when thinking about giving up that dream makes me feel utterly gray, as though my reason for being has taken a downturn. Like I'm "less equal" because I'm not giving from the hurty part of the heart.

So I think all the time about what it means that M.W. is not all that excited about having a family again. Whether it's in God's Plan for me to have a family is still up to Him... but I hope M.W. changes his mind and lets what happens, happen, "irregardless" of what else happens "at this point in time".

I still have a certaintude about our foreverness. I do.... I really do.

It's dangerous, I know...

But I've been thinking again.

My San Fran trip is making me really nervous. Not because of traveling, but because of taking face to face with Mister Wonderful.

There is a momentum of relationships. Think of jumping up and down on a trampoline. Now think of doing it with another person. If you're both jumping together, you can get so high... it's amazing. If you're jumping at different speeds and heights... it all gets messed up and either one of you quits, or else you re-synch until it's good again. My marriage was a quit situation. I want this to be a re-synch one.

The closer my trip gets, the more I know how hard it's going to be. Because there are so many things we both want and need to say... face to face. When we're together, it's hard not to feel on fire and like the world revolves around us. But there are things that need to be said. I know how he feels how he feels, and he's not going to change it for me. I don't want him to change for me. Still, a number of concerns have come and they can not be ignored.

It will be a good trip, with the caveat that we come to a solution on a few points,in order to move forward. That said... I'm looking forward to spending some time bonding. Perhaps my fears come from the fact that after wanting to be in Sunny California for the past two years, the initial bond is losing its grip and now is the time that the work really starts to make sure that we do move forward instead of dropping what is possibly the most positive relationship that ever crossed my path.

M.W... save a piece of pie for meeeee! I'll be there to-mor-row!

To Whom It May Concern

VANESSA CARLTON LYRICS"A Thousand Miles"

Making my way downtown
Walking fast Faces pass
And I'm home bound
Staring blankly ahead
Just making my way Making a way
Through the crowd

And I need you
And I miss you
And now I wonder....

If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by'
Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you
Tonight

It's always times like these
When I think of you
And I wonder
If you ever
Think of me
'Cause everything's so wrong
And I don't belong
Living in your
Precious memories

'Cause I need you
And I miss you
And now I wonder....

If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could Just see youTonight

And I, IDon't want to let you know
I, I Drown in your memory I, I
Don't want to let this goI, I
Don't....

Making my way downtown
Walking fastFaces pass
And I'm home bound
Staring blankly ahead
Just making my way
Making a way
Through the crowd

And I still need you
And I still miss you
And now I wonder....

If I could fallInto the sky
Do you think time
Would pass us by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could Just see you...
If I could fallInto the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you
If I could
Just hold you
Tonight

Tough: n. My big - little Sister a.k.a. Mom Jr.

I'm really not sure when it happened. Somewhere between my separation two years ago and my divorce last year... my sister, Jayleigh, changed. She seems matter-of-fact, down-to-earth, and another hyphenated compliment of which I cannot describe.

Anyways, the point is that I'm almost atwitter with excitement for her. Because whether she realizes it or not... she's turned into a really cool adult. True, we're turning "mid-30's" in a few days... but she always seemed a little sheltered before. Damn. Now I want to be her.

There's this thing she does from the bottom of her heart -- see, we both wanted kids but for some reason, God decided it was not meant to be. So she takes care of her neice, Mindy. Mindy's parents are addicts and alcoholics and are completely unreliable. So Jay and her hub, Robert have taken Mindy into their one-bedroom cottage, to live. Little Mindy is a rebellious teen and someone who our dearest mother would have even disowned (she loves kids, but that girly is a handful). So Min lives on a bed precariously placed in Jay's livingroom. For the first time in her life, she has to be accountable for herself (Min), and Jay has matured in a quick hurry. It's really impressive to see how she stepped up to the plate.

Our dear mom has always discouraged me from adopting kids because she fears that I won't love the baby as much as I would one that I gave birth to. Jay says she's wrong, since Min isn't even her girl and she loves her just like she was her own. Jay told me today that raising foster children wouldn't be that much different from what she does with Mindy.

My point? 1) Jay is awesome and cool. 2) M.W. and I have been talking a ton and considering what the landscape of our future would look like if we a) adopted or b) took in foster children.

Today as I worked out at the Y, I sat down in front of the pool windows to watch the babies play. Then I walked by the Kinder room and watched more babies play. They were so sweet and innocent and I can't imagine my life without the opportunity to make a lasting difference in the life of one or more of those sweet faces.

Settling Down

Today I took time for me: Gym, errands, bookstore, lunch, home. And I forgot the cell phone. I'm not sorry. It was a time of peace and reflection that I rarely have these days.

Something jumped out at me in the bookstore. A quote. How fitting for my life these days.

The minute you settle for less than you deserve,
you get even less than you settled for.
Maureen Dowd, in 'New York Times'

Oh But Would Thou River Run Thru Me?

FROM PENT-UP ACHING RIVERS
by: Walt Whitman (1819-1892)

FROM pent-up aching rivers,
From that of myself without which I were nothing,
From what I am determin'd to make illustrious,
even if I stand sole among men,
From my own voice
resonant, singing the phallus,
Singing the song of procreation,
Singing the need of superb children and therein superb
grown people,
Singing the muscular urge and the blending,
Singing the bedfellow's song, (O resistless
yearning! O for any and each the
body correlative attracting!
O for you whoever you are your correlative
body! O it, more than all else, you
delighting!)
From the hungry gnaw that eats me night and day,
From native moments, from bashful pains,
singing them, Seeking something yet
unfound though I have diligently
sought it many a long year,
Singing the true song of the soul fitful at
random, Renascent with grossest Nature or
among animals, Of that, of them and what goes with them my poems informing,
Of the smell of apples and lemons, of the pairing of birds,
Of the wet of woods, of the lapping of waves,
Of the mad pushes of waves upon the land,
I them chanting, The overture lightly sounding, the strain anticipating,
The welcome nearness, the sight of the perfect body,
The swimmer swimming naked in the bath, or motionless on his back lying and floating, The female form approaching, I pensive, love-flesh tremulous aching,
The divine list for myself or you or for any one making,
The face, the limbs, the index from
head to foot, and what it arouses,
The mystic deliria, the
madness amorous, the utter abandonment,
(Hark close and still what I now
whisper to you, I love you, O you entirely possess me,
O that you and I escape from the rest and go utterly off, free and lawless,
Two hawks in the air, two fishes swimming in the sea not more lawless than we;)
The furious storm through me careering, I passionately trembling.
The oath of the inseparableness of two together, of the woman that loves me and whom I love more than my life, that oath swearing,
(O I willingly stake all for you, O
let me be lost if it must be so!
O you and I! what is it to us what the rest
do or think? What is all else to us? only that we
enjoy each other and exhaust each other if it must be so;)
From the master, the pilot I yield the
vessel to, The general commanding me,
commanding all, from him permission
taking, From time the programme
hastening, (I have loiter'd too long as it
is,) From sex, from the warp and from the woof,
From privacy, from frequent repinings alone,
From plenty of persons near and yet the right
person not near, From the soft
sliding of hands over me and thrusting of
fingers through my hair and beard,
From the long sustain'd kiss upon the
mouth or bosom, From the close
pressure that makes me or any man drunk,
fainting with excess, From what
the divine husband knows, from the work of
fatherhood, From exultation,
victory and relief, from the bedfellow's
embrace in the night, From the
act-poems of eyes, hands, hips and bosoms,
From the cling of the trembling
arm, From the bending curve and the
clinch, From side by side the
pliant coverlet off-throwing,
From the one so unwilling to have me
leave, and me just as unwilling to leave,
(Yet a moment O tender waiter,
and I return,) From the hour of shining stars and
dropping dews, From the night a moment I emerging flitting out,
Celebrate you act divine and you children prepared for,
And you stalwart loins.

Not the Mama...

Ambivalence had been the over-riding sentiment about me having children, for years. With a slob of a spouse, depressed and fat, how could I (of all people) be an adequate parent to two, three, four little bundles of joy that masquerade as eating, crying, pooping little people? So, during 10 years of marriage I did not have kids.

Following the breakup, I had baby fever so bad that I would cry if a baby smiled at me in the grocery store; my heart would well up when I saw so much as a tiny set of fingers poking out from below a blankie-covered car seat. Even last month, it seemed alright to take Mister Wonderful to see the baby furniture which I had picked out years ago, at this store in Michigan.

The thought of baby Z and baby O filled my mind for the last year and a half -- sometimes they were the only reasons which I made it thru a day and took care of myself. I dreamed of them. Holding, feeding, loving, changing, growing together as a family, having them wake me up early on a Saturday morning, being late to the office because little Z didn't want to ride the bus on her first day of school, having to borrow the neighbor's truck in order to get O's science project to school, because he made it about 3 inches to wide, to fit into Mommy's SUV. They were what I've been living for because they were my future, my purpose, the rest of my life.

I came to a place where I no longer believed that I had to change the world on my own; giving birth and growing up responsible adults seemed like an adequate way to make a difference because they were going to be so much more than the sum of their parts.

The Talk
Mister Wonderful is just that: wonderful. So why have there been all these little hints around lately? Why was I getting a vibe that said "sister, we gotta talk". Turns out that he didn't even realize it at the front of his brain until we started talking. But in the end it seems, he was going thru a phase of wanting children too. How do I know this? Because that phase is over.

It seems almost comical that he encouraged me so much, that I could be a good parent. Months ago, I told him that if he hadn't wanted children when we began dating, we wouldn't have dated because that willingness was a deal-breaker for me.

I Hate Myself for Loving You
The most incredibly difficult part of the last day is the fact that my two biggest and best dreams are mutually exclusive. Do I give up the dream of children for a wonderful man who I may end up resenting because of it? Or do I give up the man of my dreams in order to be with a mediocre person who is willing to have kids? What if I marry someone mediocre and I still don't have kids? What if I stay with Mister Wonderful and God decides to bless us with kids anyways?

A Song for the Season
While this one comes from a sad, sappy love song... the sentiment of the refrain still applies.

Somewhere in my Broken Heart
by Billy Dean

I hope that in time
You will find what you long for --
Love that's written in the stars.

And when you finally do
I hope you will see it --
Somewhere in my Broken Heart.

Part III: My Fondest Wish

Children... my future, my past, my mentality. All is well but there is no convincing that to others. They must find the path to enlightenment on their own. I fear my intentions are misunderstood, as the words get all clustered in my mouth and by the time I have said the they are mumbled into the next words and thoughts. So here it is --

Decision
Commitment
Building
Family
Missions
Giving
Sharing

All together.

Be that as it may. As I sit here feeling like heck, like it's hanging in the balance by a thread, an eerie sense of peace envelops me -- as though it's all going to be alright, no matter what.

Part II: Screw the World

This is what I was afraid of: that my fantasy with M.W. was so elaborate, we would never be able to make it into a reality. All of the fantasies in the world could not be as sweet as a future with him. What's the hold up? Are friends, colleagues, family, even strangers opinions more important than the love we share?

Part I: Fine, I admit it -- I'm on the rag...

But that's not to diminish my feelings. I deserve to know that the man I love, is just as sure of me as I am of him. If he is not... then the relationship is not ideal and both of us need to understand that perhaps we are making a mistake.


I Need Love
by Sam Phillips
Album: Martinis & Bikinis

i left my conscience like a crying child
locked the door behind me put the
pain on file
broken like a window i see my blindness now

i need love
not some sentimental prison
i need god
not the political church
i need fire
to melt the frozen sea inside me
i need love

driving
into town tired and depressed
like a flare the streetlight bursts into an
s.o.s.
peace comes to my rescue i don't know what it means

i need love

Dzihan & Kamien...

They have a trancey tune called "Smile" which I love to veg-out to. I've known it only for about 4 years. However it reminded me, as I was listening to it just now... about this pizza joint that was on my way home from work when I lived in Detroit.

The name of the place was Fat Tuesday, but they were sued over the name, and consequently renamed themselves "Fatty's" later on. It was a gross name, but their pizza, salads, pastas and subs were phenominal.

Detroit was the first time I lived more than a few minutes from Home. While it afforded me the opportunity to finish college and get away and start my life, my way... it also hindered me in a way I never expected: my ex and I had only been married for a couple of years and this was his first job out of college. He became terribly depressed and was always sleeping, eating, and spending money we didn't have.

Looking back, I see that my only defense at the time was that I also spent our free cash, just so that he wouldn't get it. His shorting our income made me greedy to do the same thing -- because if we ever had free cash and he knew about it, then he would end up pouting until I allowed him to spend it on something for himself.

The new book I'm reading, called "Not Your Mother's Divorce" is helping me to realize how young I was back then, and how I didn't really know what I was getting into. But then how did our parents know that? They all got married in their 20s.

A Term I Despise:
Starter Marriage.

That was a term used liberally in this new book. I never intended for it to end. That's just the kind of girl I am. So how can they make it seem like it's a first car, or a fixer-upper house? This is my damn life, and my first marriage was a disaster! I don't want anything to begin that way. Certainly not the start of my married life.

So now that I'm single, the only thing to do is mourn my personal losses, get over them and get on with my future.

A future, I might add, which I am very excited about :)

"Family" Ties...

It happened so quickly, I couldn't even stop it. Thank God for giving me the patience to deal with these situations in the past several months.

... Mister Wonderful is so busy these days, rarely available. So there are two very lonely women in his life -- his daughter and myself -- who've taken to occasionally chatting on the phone. Although I thought she was upset with me last week, because I was taking away from her Daddy time (she's 24, but they're very close).

Anyways, Kiki told me that her mom has been asking lots of questions about me. Me, you say? Yes... me. So we chatted lightly about other topics, but I know K is upset because things are growing more serious with MW and me... She told me she doesn't want her mom to remarry because she doesn't need a step-dad. I asked her how she would feel if her dad got remarried. She didn't talk for a long time until I suggested that if he ever did remarry, his wife could be her buddy... no step-mom required. She thought that was really good. I mentioned that I wanted to adopt kids, and how bad I felt for the tsunami orphans. She said her dad was too old to think about having more children, and that he's already got enough. But she also offered to babysit for her brothers and sisters, too.

Perhaps the entire convo was a bit presumptious on my part... but Kiki did offer that she didn't think it would be a good idea for me to attend their church with MW when I'm in town in a couple of weeks -- her mom still attends the church and while she actively brings her boyfriend, K is afriad that her mom won't be very kind to me. So Kiki asked me if I do go to church when I'm in town... that I come to hers.

It's unfortunate that someone as delicate as her feels the need to make everyone get along. But I'm determined to get along with everyone, if only for the sake of her and MW, whom I love. They are more and more like family to me every day. And I am pleased that they treat me the same way, too.

Check Out Our Stuff:

You know those shows... the ones on MTV and E! TV... They're supposed to be like celebrities showing off their homes. And show off they do: opening the fridge to show how much meat was in the freezer. Like "Look how rich we are... we don't worry where our next meal comes from!". It's really off-putting. Just one more reason why LeAnn Rimes is not my favourite person. Like "It's all about me! Look at my clothes! This is where me and my hubby romp! This is our toilet, where we actually pee!".

So the difference between a show where a commentator shows off the celebrities home, versus the one where the celebrity does the showing? Dignity.

Know what? I can't sleep, and I want fried food. Chicken wingies.

Whoop-Te-Doo:

1) Mint Hershey's Kisses -- for obvious reasons.

2) Mint M&Ms -- ditto.

3) My self esteem -- So I saw this job today.... and the cards are stacked against me because I might not be what they want. At the same time... I want this job. Enough to really, actually try for it. Mister Wonderful is worried that I am so psyched up that it'll be a big let-down. But I need to be excited right now and let-downs pass eventually. What I don't want to pass up is the opportunity of a life-time and I know I can convince them that Dorthy is the right girl for the job.

4) Egg-nog Lattes -- um, hello. It's egg-nog. 'Nuff said.

5) Mister Wonderful -- he's supportive, loving, and I just adore dreaming and scheming with him. He's my best friend and biggest advocate. He's the one I hope I impress, and the one I fear that I let down. Partner, and best friend. Someday, I hope we live in the same neighborhood.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

My long-time friend Bryan called today. Well... he was a friend for a long time before he started the alleged "availibility checks". They started two years ago, almost to the day. I declined then, and I declined now.

But that's not the point of my entry here. It's that until the checks began, and even now, Bryan has been one of the most constant sources of rational advice in my life. Sure it's a little dicey taking advice from someone I trust little. But taken with a grain of salt, even a piece of liver is palatable and probably even good for you. Eh?

So anyways, B asked me all about taking Mister Wonderful home to meet my folks. He wanted to know how everyone acted, and how I felt about the relationship itself (incidentally, that is the manner which he always seemed to insert the avail. check in the past -- wait until I mentioned probs in the relationship, and then make his move).

Oddly enough, this is the first time in recent history that I have had so much respect for my relationship that I didn't share problems, complain, or otherwise seek "help" with issues. Mister Wonderful is so meaningful to me, he is the first person in forever that I have wanted to keep my relationship private with.

To be sure... I've pretty much always felt like this about him. But the previous marriage was a totally different deal -- I was so unhappy I was practically screaming it from the rafters. In fact, that is the way that Bryan and I became friends in the first place. We talked because of work, but continued conversations because of my miserable life and seeing out help to get away from it. For many years Bryan assisted me in rational thought regarding leaving, staying, and making sure that I was just plain taking care of my own mental issues.

It wasn't really a shock that he came sniffing around today. He has always made it plain and clear that he likes to look for "fun" without getting emotionally involved. Even though I never really trusted myself in the past, in situations where I might get into trouble... I know where my heart lies. I know that this situation, this man, is not for me.

And that's why I have always, and will always continue to deny his advances. It's about respecting myself. And for the first time ever, my relationship.