Who really has it all together?

I see people who are smart and I see people who are beautiful. The only solace I have, sometimes, is that their home-life or their childhood must be a bust -- everyone can't be perfect, all the way around.

It's come to my attention that I sometimes seem like I have my stuff together. I don't. Most of the time I feel out of control. Sometimes I do and say things that even my mom couldn't forgive me for. :(

Consider that, even (and especially with my blog) it's not "what you see is what you get". I am a whole person, sitting here behind this glowing curtain of electrons... pulling levers and blowing smoke. This is only the stuff I share in public. Reality has to dictate that I have, like, 2 other blogs. One dedicated to the bitterness and awfulness of my relationship and marriage... and the other dedicated to my future. Sometimes I just go off in them... Like cussing and crying and feeling worthless.

Someone I know told me yesterday that I was being "half-empty".... I think it's pretty shitty to lable people. You could put a lot of lables on me if you wanted to: vivacious, outspoken, curious, outgoing, up, down, depressed, fumbling, silly, irrelevant, stupid. Okay... those are the lables I put on me.. but not me so much as my work.

Oh.. been on the South Beach Diet... lost 10 lbs. Looking "not bad"... but feeling kinda crappy. They say I'm not eating enough. I've never mentioned it here, but when I was a kid (of 17), I was miserably depressed and anorexic. Like, I weighed 170 and lost 30lbs.
Funny, but I understand all about the things going thru the brain of the anorexic (if you've ever seen me, you'd never guess I was)... but basically you have the intense desire to be in control of SOMETHING in your life. NO one can make you eat. And when you're trying to hurt yourself.... the discomfort of being hungry really fills that void in your brain. By the way... I'm not depriving myself of food -- but I can't say it hasn't crossed my mind. The thing is, I have a lot of living left to do.