Addicted to love

I am reading a new book from my therapist. It's called "What Smart Women Know"... The authors talk about a relationship or a marriage like mine was.

I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS THAT BAD.

The book called relationships like mine, an addiction. ADDICTED? Like a drug. Me.

IS THAT WHY IS STILL HURTS SO BAD?

Yes. Some days are good, and others are bad. Days like today, when I'm already worn down from the office are rough. I almost just called him. Why? Because I don't know how to not do it.

IF I CALLED HIM, HE WOULD NOT TALK...

And what am I trying to accomplish, anyways? It would just make him think I wanted him back. And I don't want him back.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT...

I don't know if I'm really moving ahead, or just pretending that I'm ahead. I'm a really bad friend to my friends (not always there), a really bad sister and daughter to my sister and mother, and a bad choice for a girlfriend, let alone a lifemate, for any man who would be interested in seeing more of me.

WHY ?

Why... I want to find meaing in a meaningless world. Nothing means anything and I can't believe anyone would ever want me to talk aloud. What did I ever do to have to hurt like this? Why can't I just get over it and stop crying?

Maybe I was a bitch, but I didn't really think I was that bad. I'm sorry. To God, My soon to be Ex... I'm sorry to everyone.

It's like with a few minutes alone, the tears start to fall, and then I'm a wreck. If I can keep talking to someone who'll pull me out of my tree... then I'm okay. But leave me alone and it's a total disaster.

I hate this pain. I want to feel better. I want to feel worthy of the wonderful trappings of life that I have. I want to feel like I've earned the love of my family and friend, lovers and coworkers. I want to accomplish many meaninful things in my life. I want to stop hurting.

God, can you hear me?