Sanity is a state of mind... isn't it???

This past week has been hard for me. It's now been 6 months since I left. My tiny little apartment is seeming a lot like "home" to me, and I've got a friend. Notice I said "a" friend. Just one who's in town....

Someone who I thought was my friend, replied, when I asked if she wanted to join me for lunch "I don't know why you are asking me now..." Okay, I admit: I was incommunicado for 4 months. But that is a really shitty response... and honestly, the reason she's pissed is because she and her husband really went out on a limb to try to get me to commit to staying with my spouse (um, they held us captive in their kitchen for 5 hours and the three of them went at me incessantly thru tears and screaming and crying, trying to get me to give in to them).


Looking back at that night, there is a very good reason why I decided to not stay with my spouse - because we were all wrong together. My therapist says it's important to be compatable with the one you love. I never did until this awful relationship was over. Now I'm banging my head against the wall, wishing I could have seen it earlier.

I was talking about sanity.. right? Damn, there's so much guilt sometimes, it's difficult to pull out of it. This week was especially hard, because I am ready to move on. My guy friend is going to be in the city in a month, and I would love to go on an enchanted date with him. My plan was to have a clear conscience when we went out... Despite my feelings of wanting to be with him, I'm still an old fashioned girl -- Since I am the master of my world, then I should be able to control what I do, and what happens to me, right?

There is something to say about momentum, though. Friendship moves to a place where you think it could be more... and you want it to be more... What happens if you slow it down? From what I've learned from my therapist.. it will endure, no matter if you go with the flow or slow it down a bit.

My first priority these days is to make my heart "whole". Will that ever happen? I'm assured that it will, but I have little faith that it will. It hurts sooooo bad. The marriage, the badness, the failure. I know it takes two to make it work, but it only takes one to make it fail. Damn, I tried.

My second priority is my physical fitness. I want to have babies one day. I want to live a long life to see them grow up and become productive people and have babies of their own.

My third priority is my education. In order for me to be a whole person, coming together with another... I need to be independant. Too many nights, I felt that if I'd only just had a better job and could support myself, I would have left my husband a long time ago. Never do I want to let "support" dictate whether or not I can live alone.

My next priority is to continue furthering my relationship with the man who is fast becoming a big portion of my life. He showed me that I needed to become my top priority in order to be happy. Actually, I need to amend my Number One priority, and shift everything down a notch: God's will in my life gets top billing. Everything I do, I do for Him... so it all pales in comparison to what He has planned for us in eternity.

So this man of whom I speak... he helped me to believe in myself, my talents. He has amazing charisma, and I look forward to the day when I am whole enough to reflect back to him, the support -- both emotional and intellectual -- that I get from him. I believe that could have an amazing future together.

The ordering of my priorities does not, in any way, diminish the importance in my life of each one of them. But think of this -- what earthly good would being "involved" be, if I do not think highly of myself. Then I would be as bad as my ex... sapping the life out of the relationship.

I mentioned earlier, that I will see my guy friend in 4 weeks. We will take a vacation together... albeit with his adult daughter in tow... but a vacation together none-the-less (is that supposed to be hyphenated?). He tells me it's more of a working vacation... but it's still not home, still fun, and not a whole lot of work. So it's "vacation" to me. (big grin here)

My state of mind fluctuates so wildly sometimes, that it frightens me. But I am committed to learning how to calm myself down, find the quiet, sane voice that I know has to exist inside my head... I read somewhere in the Bible, that being content is something that we can learn.. even in the midst of an insane and complex world.

I want to be content.