Sadness, Profundo

There is this heaviness in my heart and on my mind, surrounding me everywhere. I get up and look at the same things each day. Mainly things which I love, but sometimes not. I have dreams. Vivid dreams. Sexual dreams. Inappropriate dreams. Disturbing dreams. There is no denying that I am alone.. but there is most certainly no one that I would dare explain this feeling to: last time I tried... it was a scary proposition and in the end, I took back everything I felt, so as not to scare anyone into thinking I was really depressed.

Sometimes things seem kinda okay. My therapist said as long as I'm showering regularly and get out of bed, she's not worrying. But what if I'm only showering, working, working out, sleeping, eating, because I know that people would be upset with me if I did not?

And the dreams are getting me down. I have a rich life and an even richer fantasy life. Today, my dream could have lasted forever... so why did it disturb me so? It was about my neighbor. Granted we've never dated... but I'm not attracted to him either. Still, there was an element of the dream that I can't quite put my finger on. It was so incredibly sensual.

Anyone who knows me, knows that everything gets jumbled up in my dreams and oftentimes they are the outcome of putting all my daily thoughts into a blender and pushing the "frappe" button indefinitely; foamy liquid. So it's not that I fantasized about my neighbor so much as that I figured out that he is straight (there was some question until recently)... and that I miss physical attention and wish to reconnect with someone on that level.

Add to that, my dear, dear friend who I am going to see in 2 weeks and 5 days, is still 1500 miles from here. :( Boo Hoo.

Ever feel like you were writing for an audience rather than for yourself?
Sometimes I do... but I think the point is to not stray too far from my stream of consciousness. Well, kids, I have work to do. I'd say "see you in dreamland"... but I don't think that's appropriate today .. heheh.