At the art store, I've been coveting this painting set for months. I finally bought it a few weeks ago, and I finger it and fondle it every few days. But I've been afraid to open it up and really sit down and use it.
It's called Sumi E. The art of Japanese monochromatic ink painting. It's the pictoral equivalent of their brush calligraphy. Check it out
Memorial Day weekend seems like as good a time as any, to sit out on my balcony and contemplate the universe whilst grinding ink. I look forward to the solitude and learning something new. Of course, I have no books to instruct. This is going to be soooo cool. Riiight.
Saturday, May 29, 2004
Friday, May 28, 2004
A revelation...
What I said yesterday, about doing things in life because people would be upset with me if I did not? Well... I just had the most startling moment of clarity: What if, for argument's sake... that I am putting on a brave face for the people around me. And what if, also, those people didn't really need me to be brave; they wanted to help me out of the darkness. I just imagined Jesus standing with his arms out saying "you don't have to pretend for me... just lean on me."
Had a cool thought the other day
Can't remember if I wrote it down -- it's about second chances. Essentially, I give everyone a second chance, or two or three. They screw up my life... they screw up their own lives... heck... I still love them for who they are.
So here's the big question: why do I hold myself to a higher standard? I mean really -- if even the least of my friends and loved ones get endless second chances in my eyes.. then tell me why it's so hard for me to forgive myself for making a mistake in life? In a relationship?
One More Thing
Today, I told my mom about someone special. Someone who I want to date. The guy I mentioned a few days back. She said that I talked about him about the same way she feels about my dad -- safety and security, happiness and encouragement, feeling rational and reaching for goals and dreams together. Mom said that she wants me to be happy, whether it's going out to dinner with Mr. Right when he's breezing thru town, or if it's settling down with him and becoming his Mrs. Right. Yeah, Yeah, I know... I can't jump the gun. But I honestly hope for the latter. I'm like the opposite of a commitmophobe; a commitmoholic. But this feels good, and right and (dare I say it?) Normal.
Had a cool thought the other day
Can't remember if I wrote it down -- it's about second chances. Essentially, I give everyone a second chance, or two or three. They screw up my life... they screw up their own lives... heck... I still love them for who they are.
So here's the big question: why do I hold myself to a higher standard? I mean really -- if even the least of my friends and loved ones get endless second chances in my eyes.. then tell me why it's so hard for me to forgive myself for making a mistake in life? In a relationship?
One More Thing
Today, I told my mom about someone special. Someone who I want to date. The guy I mentioned a few days back. She said that I talked about him about the same way she feels about my dad -- safety and security, happiness and encouragement, feeling rational and reaching for goals and dreams together. Mom said that she wants me to be happy, whether it's going out to dinner with Mr. Right when he's breezing thru town, or if it's settling down with him and becoming his Mrs. Right. Yeah, Yeah, I know... I can't jump the gun. But I honestly hope for the latter. I'm like the opposite of a commitmophobe; a commitmoholic. But this feels good, and right and (dare I say it?) Normal.
Thursday, May 27, 2004
A Little Poetic Lisence, please?
I am prone to exaggeration. In the middle of a big fish tale, I often take the liberty to mention that "it's not true, but wouldn't it be cool if it was true?" My good buddy told me recently that it was very clever of me to admit to the exaggeration... then when I really say something, they'll know I will tell the truth if what I say is stretching it a bit.
However, sometimes I describe affectations of other's minds, not thoroughly seeing or understanding the motivation behind them. The risks one takes when writing things down on papar (or in this case, glowing electrons), is mainly that of being misunderstood.
So descriptions are accurate unless otherwise noted. But even more than that.. my impression of things others have shared... are like telling second-hand gossip. Your words plus my preconceived notions. I'll be kinder if you can be more understanding, eh?
However, sometimes I describe affectations of other's minds, not thoroughly seeing or understanding the motivation behind them. The risks one takes when writing things down on papar (or in this case, glowing electrons), is mainly that of being misunderstood.
So descriptions are accurate unless otherwise noted. But even more than that.. my impression of things others have shared... are like telling second-hand gossip. Your words plus my preconceived notions. I'll be kinder if you can be more understanding, eh?
Sadness, Profundo
There is this heaviness in my heart and on my mind, surrounding me everywhere. I get up and look at the same things each day. Mainly things which I love, but sometimes not. I have dreams. Vivid dreams. Sexual dreams. Inappropriate dreams. Disturbing dreams. There is no denying that I am alone.. but there is most certainly no one that I would dare explain this feeling to: last time I tried... it was a scary proposition and in the end, I took back everything I felt, so as not to scare anyone into thinking I was really depressed.
Sometimes things seem kinda okay. My therapist said as long as I'm showering regularly and get out of bed, she's not worrying. But what if I'm only showering, working, working out, sleeping, eating, because I know that people would be upset with me if I did not?
And the dreams are getting me down. I have a rich life and an even richer fantasy life. Today, my dream could have lasted forever... so why did it disturb me so? It was about my neighbor. Granted we've never dated... but I'm not attracted to him either. Still, there was an element of the dream that I can't quite put my finger on. It was so incredibly sensual.
Anyone who knows me, knows that everything gets jumbled up in my dreams and oftentimes they are the outcome of putting all my daily thoughts into a blender and pushing the "frappe" button indefinitely; foamy liquid. So it's not that I fantasized about my neighbor so much as that I figured out that he is straight (there was some question until recently)... and that I miss physical attention and wish to reconnect with someone on that level.
Add to that, my dear, dear friend who I am going to see in 2 weeks and 5 days, is still 1500 miles from here. :( Boo Hoo.
Ever feel like you were writing for an audience rather than for yourself?
Sometimes I do... but I think the point is to not stray too far from my stream of consciousness. Well, kids, I have work to do. I'd say "see you in dreamland"... but I don't think that's appropriate today .. heheh.
Sometimes things seem kinda okay. My therapist said as long as I'm showering regularly and get out of bed, she's not worrying. But what if I'm only showering, working, working out, sleeping, eating, because I know that people would be upset with me if I did not?
And the dreams are getting me down. I have a rich life and an even richer fantasy life. Today, my dream could have lasted forever... so why did it disturb me so? It was about my neighbor. Granted we've never dated... but I'm not attracted to him either. Still, there was an element of the dream that I can't quite put my finger on. It was so incredibly sensual.
Anyone who knows me, knows that everything gets jumbled up in my dreams and oftentimes they are the outcome of putting all my daily thoughts into a blender and pushing the "frappe" button indefinitely; foamy liquid. So it's not that I fantasized about my neighbor so much as that I figured out that he is straight (there was some question until recently)... and that I miss physical attention and wish to reconnect with someone on that level.
Add to that, my dear, dear friend who I am going to see in 2 weeks and 5 days, is still 1500 miles from here. :( Boo Hoo.
Ever feel like you were writing for an audience rather than for yourself?
Sometimes I do... but I think the point is to not stray too far from my stream of consciousness. Well, kids, I have work to do. I'd say "see you in dreamland"... but I don't think that's appropriate today .. heheh.
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
Gettin' down and dirty...
Things are still falling out of my brain from yesterdays' tet-a-tet with the jack-ass-i-cal soon-to-be-ex o' mine. For instance: his lazy ass that never wanted to do anything, started a company. Not only did he name the company a name that I had dreamed of naming our ranch one day... but he also is using the logo which I created to go on the cross timber above the drive. PLUS , (and here's where it gets interesting) he is claiming that it was all his own idea!
The nerve.
My therapist said that the time will come, when he starts telling lies, but is so obsessed, that he actually believes that he is telling the truth: it protects his fragile "about to go insane" psyche.
The gall.
Now, for something a little different; e.g., E.G.
There is this fabulous novel I read back in 2002. Its author is a friend o' mine. I'm not certain if this novel ever got published... but the characters were so vivid, I almost believed they existed. From the sloppy ham-slurping mayor to the slightly sleezy bra-burning housewife, I believed they all were real. Including the title character whom I can only dream of emulating one day.
Anyways, I re-read parts of the novel this evening, and I still believe that it's true. Somewhere, deep down inside, I believe that the events described really happened, the people were real.. as well as the tears -- especially the tears.
The nerve.
My therapist said that the time will come, when he starts telling lies, but is so obsessed, that he actually believes that he is telling the truth: it protects his fragile "about to go insane" psyche.
The gall.
Now, for something a little different; e.g., E.G.
There is this fabulous novel I read back in 2002. Its author is a friend o' mine. I'm not certain if this novel ever got published... but the characters were so vivid, I almost believed they existed. From the sloppy ham-slurping mayor to the slightly sleezy bra-burning housewife, I believed they all were real. Including the title character whom I can only dream of emulating one day.
Anyways, I re-read parts of the novel this evening, and I still believe that it's true. Somewhere, deep down inside, I believe that the events described really happened, the people were real.. as well as the tears -- especially the tears.
Sunday, May 23, 2004
Who really has it all together?
I see people who are smart and I see people who are beautiful. The only solace I have, sometimes, is that their home-life or their childhood must be a bust -- everyone can't be perfect, all the way around.
It's come to my attention that I sometimes seem like I have my stuff together. I don't. Most of the time I feel out of control. Sometimes I do and say things that even my mom couldn't forgive me for. :(
Consider that, even (and especially with my blog) it's not "what you see is what you get". I am a whole person, sitting here behind this glowing curtain of electrons... pulling levers and blowing smoke. This is only the stuff I share in public. Reality has to dictate that I have, like, 2 other blogs. One dedicated to the bitterness and awfulness of my relationship and marriage... and the other dedicated to my future. Sometimes I just go off in them... Like cussing and crying and feeling worthless.
Someone I know told me yesterday that I was being "half-empty".... I think it's pretty shitty to lable people. You could put a lot of lables on me if you wanted to: vivacious, outspoken, curious, outgoing, up, down, depressed, fumbling, silly, irrelevant, stupid. Okay... those are the lables I put on me.. but not me so much as my work.
Oh.. been on the South Beach Diet... lost 10 lbs. Looking "not bad"... but feeling kinda crappy. They say I'm not eating enough. I've never mentioned it here, but when I was a kid (of 17), I was miserably depressed and anorexic. Like, I weighed 170 and lost 30lbs.
Funny, but I understand all about the things going thru the brain of the anorexic (if you've ever seen me, you'd never guess I was)... but basically you have the intense desire to be in control of SOMETHING in your life. NO one can make you eat. And when you're trying to hurt yourself.... the discomfort of being hungry really fills that void in your brain. By the way... I'm not depriving myself of food -- but I can't say it hasn't crossed my mind. The thing is, I have a lot of living left to do.
It's come to my attention that I sometimes seem like I have my stuff together. I don't. Most of the time I feel out of control. Sometimes I do and say things that even my mom couldn't forgive me for. :(
Consider that, even (and especially with my blog) it's not "what you see is what you get". I am a whole person, sitting here behind this glowing curtain of electrons... pulling levers and blowing smoke. This is only the stuff I share in public. Reality has to dictate that I have, like, 2 other blogs. One dedicated to the bitterness and awfulness of my relationship and marriage... and the other dedicated to my future. Sometimes I just go off in them... Like cussing and crying and feeling worthless.
Someone I know told me yesterday that I was being "half-empty".... I think it's pretty shitty to lable people. You could put a lot of lables on me if you wanted to: vivacious, outspoken, curious, outgoing, up, down, depressed, fumbling, silly, irrelevant, stupid. Okay... those are the lables I put on me.. but not me so much as my work.
Oh.. been on the South Beach Diet... lost 10 lbs. Looking "not bad"... but feeling kinda crappy. They say I'm not eating enough. I've never mentioned it here, but when I was a kid (of 17), I was miserably depressed and anorexic. Like, I weighed 170 and lost 30lbs.
Funny, but I understand all about the things going thru the brain of the anorexic (if you've ever seen me, you'd never guess I was)... but basically you have the intense desire to be in control of SOMETHING in your life. NO one can make you eat. And when you're trying to hurt yourself.... the discomfort of being hungry really fills that void in your brain. By the way... I'm not depriving myself of food -- but I can't say it hasn't crossed my mind. The thing is, I have a lot of living left to do.
Friday, May 21, 2004
A Math Problem:
I just heard that due to Federal Campaign Reorganization and Financing Reform... each of the two Presidential Candidates will have only $75,000,000 (ONLY that much) to run their ads and pay their campaign managers and staff (staph?). Supposing that there are not quite 300,000,000 people in the U.S. (as noted by www.popclocks.com).. and only approximately 40% of the population votes... that leaves us with 120,000,000 people voting. Let's say each candidate decided to pay us for voting: Every single voter would receive $0.625 from each candidate (minus "shipping and handling" charges, which, some governmental agencies (yes, you, IRS) would take it to mean that we now owed them $3.95 for the difference).
Another thing I learned the other day, was that single women are the largest "untapped" voting um... what do you call them? Sterotypes? Soccer Moms are one. Nascar Dads (how do you get a Nascar Dad, prithee? There are probably only 150 parents of Nascar drivers in the ENTIRE COUNTRY!)are another.. a voting group, anyways. Single women, however, span race, religious, ethnic, financial lines. So we can't be stereotyped (HEAR US ROAR!). Say that 10% of the 40% of the 300,000,000 people are single women voters. Doesn't that mean that each of us women would garner $6.25 if they paid only us to vote (c'mon girls... get with me!)? Heeyyeelll Yes!
That's right, single women... it's MY brand of the Reaganomic "Trickle-down" theory: If every single woman has $6.25 (that's $2.30 after "shipping and handling") to spend on ANYTHING they want... say, a stick of chewing gum, a diet coke, and a condom at the local Quik Stop... then wouldn't our economy be Even Better?
Wink. Grin. Unite! Vote for (insert name of your favourite deligate -- I would rather rot than have to decide which is the lesser of two evils, today... send your $2.30 and It'll sway my vote).
Another thing I learned the other day, was that single women are the largest "untapped" voting um... what do you call them? Sterotypes? Soccer Moms are one. Nascar Dads (how do you get a Nascar Dad, prithee? There are probably only 150 parents of Nascar drivers in the ENTIRE COUNTRY!)are another.. a voting group, anyways. Single women, however, span race, religious, ethnic, financial lines. So we can't be stereotyped (HEAR US ROAR!). Say that 10% of the 40% of the 300,000,000 people are single women voters. Doesn't that mean that each of us women would garner $6.25 if they paid only us to vote (c'mon girls... get with me!)? Heeyyeelll Yes!
That's right, single women... it's MY brand of the Reaganomic "Trickle-down" theory: If every single woman has $6.25 (that's $2.30 after "shipping and handling") to spend on ANYTHING they want... say, a stick of chewing gum, a diet coke, and a condom at the local Quik Stop... then wouldn't our economy be Even Better?
Wink. Grin. Unite! Vote for (insert name of your favourite deligate -- I would rather rot than have to decide which is the lesser of two evils, today... send your $2.30 and It'll sway my vote).
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
Sanity is a state of mind... isn't it???
This past week has been hard for me. It's now been 6 months since I left. My tiny little apartment is seeming a lot like "home" to me, and I've got a friend. Notice I said "a" friend. Just one who's in town....
Someone who I thought was my friend, replied, when I asked if she wanted to join me for lunch "I don't know why you are asking me now..." Okay, I admit: I was incommunicado for 4 months. But that is a really shitty response... and honestly, the reason she's pissed is because she and her husband really went out on a limb to try to get me to commit to staying with my spouse (um, they held us captive in their kitchen for 5 hours and the three of them went at me incessantly thru tears and screaming and crying, trying to get me to give in to them).
Looking back at that night, there is a very good reason why I decided to not stay with my spouse - because we were all wrong together. My therapist says it's important to be compatable with the one you love. I never did until this awful relationship was over. Now I'm banging my head against the wall, wishing I could have seen it earlier.
I was talking about sanity.. right? Damn, there's so much guilt sometimes, it's difficult to pull out of it. This week was especially hard, because I am ready to move on. My guy friend is going to be in the city in a month, and I would love to go on an enchanted date with him. My plan was to have a clear conscience when we went out... Despite my feelings of wanting to be with him, I'm still an old fashioned girl -- Since I am the master of my world, then I should be able to control what I do, and what happens to me, right?
There is something to say about momentum, though. Friendship moves to a place where you think it could be more... and you want it to be more... What happens if you slow it down? From what I've learned from my therapist.. it will endure, no matter if you go with the flow or slow it down a bit.
My first priority these days is to make my heart "whole". Will that ever happen? I'm assured that it will, but I have little faith that it will. It hurts sooooo bad. The marriage, the badness, the failure. I know it takes two to make it work, but it only takes one to make it fail. Damn, I tried.
My second priority is my physical fitness. I want to have babies one day. I want to live a long life to see them grow up and become productive people and have babies of their own.
My third priority is my education. In order for me to be a whole person, coming together with another... I need to be independant. Too many nights, I felt that if I'd only just had a better job and could support myself, I would have left my husband a long time ago. Never do I want to let "support" dictate whether or not I can live alone.
My next priority is to continue furthering my relationship with the man who is fast becoming a big portion of my life. He showed me that I needed to become my top priority in order to be happy. Actually, I need to amend my Number One priority, and shift everything down a notch: God's will in my life gets top billing. Everything I do, I do for Him... so it all pales in comparison to what He has planned for us in eternity.
So this man of whom I speak... he helped me to believe in myself, my talents. He has amazing charisma, and I look forward to the day when I am whole enough to reflect back to him, the support -- both emotional and intellectual -- that I get from him. I believe that could have an amazing future together.
The ordering of my priorities does not, in any way, diminish the importance in my life of each one of them. But think of this -- what earthly good would being "involved" be, if I do not think highly of myself. Then I would be as bad as my ex... sapping the life out of the relationship.
I mentioned earlier, that I will see my guy friend in 4 weeks. We will take a vacation together... albeit with his adult daughter in tow... but a vacation together none-the-less (is that supposed to be hyphenated?). He tells me it's more of a working vacation... but it's still not home, still fun, and not a whole lot of work. So it's "vacation" to me. (big grin here)
My state of mind fluctuates so wildly sometimes, that it frightens me. But I am committed to learning how to calm myself down, find the quiet, sane voice that I know has to exist inside my head... I read somewhere in the Bible, that being content is something that we can learn.. even in the midst of an insane and complex world.
I want to be content.
Someone who I thought was my friend, replied, when I asked if she wanted to join me for lunch "I don't know why you are asking me now..." Okay, I admit: I was incommunicado for 4 months. But that is a really shitty response... and honestly, the reason she's pissed is because she and her husband really went out on a limb to try to get me to commit to staying with my spouse (um, they held us captive in their kitchen for 5 hours and the three of them went at me incessantly thru tears and screaming and crying, trying to get me to give in to them).
Looking back at that night, there is a very good reason why I decided to not stay with my spouse - because we were all wrong together. My therapist says it's important to be compatable with the one you love. I never did until this awful relationship was over. Now I'm banging my head against the wall, wishing I could have seen it earlier.
I was talking about sanity.. right? Damn, there's so much guilt sometimes, it's difficult to pull out of it. This week was especially hard, because I am ready to move on. My guy friend is going to be in the city in a month, and I would love to go on an enchanted date with him. My plan was to have a clear conscience when we went out... Despite my feelings of wanting to be with him, I'm still an old fashioned girl -- Since I am the master of my world, then I should be able to control what I do, and what happens to me, right?
There is something to say about momentum, though. Friendship moves to a place where you think it could be more... and you want it to be more... What happens if you slow it down? From what I've learned from my therapist.. it will endure, no matter if you go with the flow or slow it down a bit.
My first priority these days is to make my heart "whole". Will that ever happen? I'm assured that it will, but I have little faith that it will. It hurts sooooo bad. The marriage, the badness, the failure. I know it takes two to make it work, but it only takes one to make it fail. Damn, I tried.
My second priority is my physical fitness. I want to have babies one day. I want to live a long life to see them grow up and become productive people and have babies of their own.
My third priority is my education. In order for me to be a whole person, coming together with another... I need to be independant. Too many nights, I felt that if I'd only just had a better job and could support myself, I would have left my husband a long time ago. Never do I want to let "support" dictate whether or not I can live alone.
My next priority is to continue furthering my relationship with the man who is fast becoming a big portion of my life. He showed me that I needed to become my top priority in order to be happy. Actually, I need to amend my Number One priority, and shift everything down a notch: God's will in my life gets top billing. Everything I do, I do for Him... so it all pales in comparison to what He has planned for us in eternity.
So this man of whom I speak... he helped me to believe in myself, my talents. He has amazing charisma, and I look forward to the day when I am whole enough to reflect back to him, the support -- both emotional and intellectual -- that I get from him. I believe that could have an amazing future together.
The ordering of my priorities does not, in any way, diminish the importance in my life of each one of them. But think of this -- what earthly good would being "involved" be, if I do not think highly of myself. Then I would be as bad as my ex... sapping the life out of the relationship.
I mentioned earlier, that I will see my guy friend in 4 weeks. We will take a vacation together... albeit with his adult daughter in tow... but a vacation together none-the-less (is that supposed to be hyphenated?). He tells me it's more of a working vacation... but it's still not home, still fun, and not a whole lot of work. So it's "vacation" to me. (big grin here)
My state of mind fluctuates so wildly sometimes, that it frightens me. But I am committed to learning how to calm myself down, find the quiet, sane voice that I know has to exist inside my head... I read somewhere in the Bible, that being content is something that we can learn.. even in the midst of an insane and complex world.
I want to be content.
Thursday, May 13, 2004
Addicted to love
I am reading a new book from my therapist. It's called "What Smart Women Know"... The authors talk about a relationship or a marriage like mine was.
I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS THAT BAD.
The book called relationships like mine, an addiction. ADDICTED? Like a drug. Me.
IS THAT WHY IS STILL HURTS SO BAD?
Yes. Some days are good, and others are bad. Days like today, when I'm already worn down from the office are rough. I almost just called him. Why? Because I don't know how to not do it.
IF I CALLED HIM, HE WOULD NOT TALK...
And what am I trying to accomplish, anyways? It would just make him think I wanted him back. And I don't want him back.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT...
I don't know if I'm really moving ahead, or just pretending that I'm ahead. I'm a really bad friend to my friends (not always there), a really bad sister and daughter to my sister and mother, and a bad choice for a girlfriend, let alone a lifemate, for any man who would be interested in seeing more of me.
WHY ?
Why... I want to find meaing in a meaningless world. Nothing means anything and I can't believe anyone would ever want me to talk aloud. What did I ever do to have to hurt like this? Why can't I just get over it and stop crying?
Maybe I was a bitch, but I didn't really think I was that bad. I'm sorry. To God, My soon to be Ex... I'm sorry to everyone.
It's like with a few minutes alone, the tears start to fall, and then I'm a wreck. If I can keep talking to someone who'll pull me out of my tree... then I'm okay. But leave me alone and it's a total disaster.
I hate this pain. I want to feel better. I want to feel worthy of the wonderful trappings of life that I have. I want to feel like I've earned the love of my family and friend, lovers and coworkers. I want to accomplish many meaninful things in my life. I want to stop hurting.
God, can you hear me?
I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS THAT BAD.
The book called relationships like mine, an addiction. ADDICTED? Like a drug. Me.
IS THAT WHY IS STILL HURTS SO BAD?
Yes. Some days are good, and others are bad. Days like today, when I'm already worn down from the office are rough. I almost just called him. Why? Because I don't know how to not do it.
IF I CALLED HIM, HE WOULD NOT TALK...
And what am I trying to accomplish, anyways? It would just make him think I wanted him back. And I don't want him back.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT...
I don't know if I'm really moving ahead, or just pretending that I'm ahead. I'm a really bad friend to my friends (not always there), a really bad sister and daughter to my sister and mother, and a bad choice for a girlfriend, let alone a lifemate, for any man who would be interested in seeing more of me.
WHY ?
Why... I want to find meaing in a meaningless world. Nothing means anything and I can't believe anyone would ever want me to talk aloud. What did I ever do to have to hurt like this? Why can't I just get over it and stop crying?
Maybe I was a bitch, but I didn't really think I was that bad. I'm sorry. To God, My soon to be Ex... I'm sorry to everyone.
It's like with a few minutes alone, the tears start to fall, and then I'm a wreck. If I can keep talking to someone who'll pull me out of my tree... then I'm okay. But leave me alone and it's a total disaster.
I hate this pain. I want to feel better. I want to feel worthy of the wonderful trappings of life that I have. I want to feel like I've earned the love of my family and friend, lovers and coworkers. I want to accomplish many meaninful things in my life. I want to stop hurting.
God, can you hear me?
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
Closing a window -- Opening a door
No OU Meteorology Grad School -- Yes OU Industrial Engineering Grad School
No Husband -- Yes Single Girl
No Big Empty House -- Yes Small Cozy Apartment
No more trying -- Yes I'm really leaving
No Hello -- Yes Goodbye
No Husband -- Yes Single Girl
No Big Empty House -- Yes Small Cozy Apartment
No more trying -- Yes I'm really leaving
No Hello -- Yes Goodbye
Saturday, May 08, 2004
Yeah... that's how I did it...
To my soon-to-be-ex:
Not that I always need the final word -- I just come up with so much stuff that I wanted to say to you before I left. I, by the way, am leaving with my head quite high. I'd like to apologize for the times you thought I was uncompromising... but that was just me wanting the best for you and for us. Live with it.
Another song for you... by Frank Sinatra.
And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, I'll say it clear,
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain.
I've lived a life that's full.
I've traveled each and ev'ry highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.
Regrets, I've had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.
I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.
Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.
I've loved, I've laughed and cried.
I've had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.
To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
"No, oh no not me,
I did it my way".
For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!
Not that I always need the final word -- I just come up with so much stuff that I wanted to say to you before I left. I, by the way, am leaving with my head quite high. I'd like to apologize for the times you thought I was uncompromising... but that was just me wanting the best for you and for us. Live with it.
Another song for you... by Frank Sinatra.
And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, I'll say it clear,
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain.
I've lived a life that's full.
I've traveled each and ev'ry highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.
Regrets, I've had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.
I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.
Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.
I've loved, I've laughed and cried.
I've had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.
To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
"No, oh no not me,
I did it my way".
For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!
Moving onward, moving upward....
So there's this friend in my life. A guy friend. I don't feel crazy around him, and I don't feel desperate. I don't have to try to get his attention. I do feel calm, sane, and always seem to be trying to keep up with his quick mind and funny humour. He makes me laugh... and he thinks I'm funny too.
Our friendship is far from standard -- he's much older than I. However, I feel natural and at ease in his presence. Not that I'm officially dating anyone at this point in time.... but if I was dating... I would be dating him.
There is a time and a place for that line of thinking. That time is not now, and that place is not in the central and southern Plains. I have a lot of things to get over/thru until that happens. But I feel like I just got over the big hump... the one where I know that there's not only no going back... but in order to have a life, I have to move forward, too.
Our friendship is far from standard -- he's much older than I. However, I feel natural and at ease in his presence. Not that I'm officially dating anyone at this point in time.... but if I was dating... I would be dating him.
There is a time and a place for that line of thinking. That time is not now, and that place is not in the central and southern Plains. I have a lot of things to get over/thru until that happens. But I feel like I just got over the big hump... the one where I know that there's not only no going back... but in order to have a life, I have to move forward, too.
Saturday, May 01, 2004
Hurt is the word... but why? What did I *really* expect?
Talking to my mom last night, she mentioned that my soon-to-be-ex tried harder to re-gain his firearms, than to re-gain me. Do not get me wrong: I did not want him back. But I wanted him to try.. .to at least try... thereby showing that our relationship wasn't totally meaningless toward me.
The office manager locked the door yesterday -- he had his hearing for his beloved guns. This horror story kept playing in my mind.... one where he burst through the front door and said I was going to be sorry that I left him... ending wit him shooting me down. The alternative, was that if the courts kept his guns... he would burst in and hurt me physically. I can't explain the horror of watching all around when you are leaving and entering a building... thinking you could be assaulted or sniped at.
Yes... you read my mind: I am bugging out of town for the weekend.
The office manager locked the door yesterday -- he had his hearing for his beloved guns. This horror story kept playing in my mind.... one where he burst through the front door and said I was going to be sorry that I left him... ending wit him shooting me down. The alternative, was that if the courts kept his guns... he would burst in and hurt me physically. I can't explain the horror of watching all around when you are leaving and entering a building... thinking you could be assaulted or sniped at.
Yes... you read my mind: I am bugging out of town for the weekend.
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