My daily devotional that I read each morning (even now, I'm still in bed and just read it), spoke of incurring God's judgment each time we judge another person. "Judge not, lest ye be judged?" Yes, apparently the reason we judge not, is that on Judgment Day, our own judgments against others is the basis on which God intends to judge us.... which definitely puts a new spin on things...
Here's the devotional so you can read it yourself...
So why am I still talking? Because it is necessary for me to first forgive, and then ask forgiveness for my judgments, my instances of hating some people. Even though I thought i was totally justified at the time... another day CANNOT go by without my making things right.
Pre-18 years old:
I do not hate the people who got better grades than me, who were better in sports, who had boyfriends when I did not. I forgive the ones who did wrong to me by making light of my lack of financial aptitude, to the ones who made fun of me for other things, and especially for my 4th grade best friend, for abandoning me by going into a better class... (and she knows what she did in 5th grade, but I don't hate her for that anymore either).
This is really reaching... but I told a lie in kindergarten that someone shoved me and I hit my chin. I am truly sorry for this lie, because I just wanted that boy to get into trouble, which he did. In 7th grade, I did another stupid thing (similar) and my mom was very defensive and got involved. She found me out on that one and I was mortified. So to all of the people involved in these... I'm sorry. I was 100% wrong: Please forgive me.
The original Rainbow Boy truly did wrong against my person. I was confused about it and really focused my hatred of him against members of my own family. I'm sorry for this. And even though what he did was unconsionable... I actually forgive him too. And his parents, as it was really their faults for bringing up a rapist and not bringing up someone more sensitive.
The Farmer Boy and the Boyscout were both casualties after the fact, and it was a confusing time in my life. So to everyone I dated, I forgive you: Please forgive me.
18-30
I met Nelson on my 19th Birthday. He deserves his own category because everything in that period of time was tinted by him: His parents, my parents, our coworkers, our schooling, our neighbors, his depression, my anger and controlling.
To everyone associated with a negative thought or emotion in this period of my life: truly, I am sorry. Coworkers and bosses were a distinct casualty here. And again, I always thought I'd had the best reasons for hate. But hate is tiring. Grudges take up so much energy. So I forgive them, I forgive family and in-laws and classmates and Nelson. I am truly sorry for my part in the reasons that I was angry and held hatred. I humble myself here when I ask for your forgiveness.
> 30
There are a lot of men that I feel tried to use me for my youth, beauty, intelligence, etc. To the ones I simply dated: I never hated you, but certainly was upset when you didn't call back. So I forgive you for that. To the ones who I was in a relationship with: wow... y'all made a huge impact on my life, and though I had a commitment in my sights, neither of you did. I was truly in love, and it hurts to have that taken willingly, but not returned. The only thing left for me to do is to forgive you ... and ask if you can pray for me that I will one day be strong enough to ask forgiveness for my part (my weakness, my faltering, my deep seeded desire to be loved).
Also a number of coworkers have fallen victim to my jabber-jaws... While it's true that I "only" point out things that are true... it's not very nice. And therefore I always question and feel insecure, that someone is judging me the same way... which they probably do, and have. I ask that they would find it in my heart to forgive. Even when I feel wronged.. .maybe they do too.
Funny - I'm listening to the radio, and they're asking parents for advice if they could go back and do it all over. They all said "I'd go back and not be so judgmental"... talk about timing.
Anyways, I'm sorry for the wrong I've done.. and I've done a lot of it. But I would also like to ask for a blanket pardon. And my heart has to be truly in the right place for that pardon. So I humble myself and pray that God, in his wisdom, would allow me to make things right by praying for the situations in question.
The most I can ever hope for is for God to allow me to be forgiven one day. Until then I'll keep trying.
Peace,
Dot.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Sunday, July 08, 2007
Woulda Shoulda Coulda
My White Night, Synoptic, just emailed. Poor guy just got dissed by a gal who was interested in him at first, and now doesn't give him the time of day.
I noted last year in this post, that Syno.ptic was someone who's always been there. I think I had a crush on him since we met back in 2000. Of course I never acted on this crush... never stopped thinking about it... but never ever said anything to make Synoptic think that I would be less than honorable toward him.
M.W. and I fought horribly about my visiting Synoptic a few summers back - apparently he saw what I would not admit - a deep care and concern for Synoptic that I've felt for few folks in my entire life.
So I consoled Synoptic about this gal who dissed him... He emailed back and said that if he didn't love his location and I didn't love mine so very much... "I daresay we would make a go of it". Thanks, I'll keep that in the back of my mind.
++++
Wait a second...isn't this the same man who was so rude to me on vacation last year? Um... yeah. He's gonna need to get a clue if he wants to woo me!
I noted last year in this post, that Syno.ptic was someone who's always been there. I think I had a crush on him since we met back in 2000. Of course I never acted on this crush... never stopped thinking about it... but never ever said anything to make Synoptic think that I would be less than honorable toward him.
M.W. and I fought horribly about my visiting Synoptic a few summers back - apparently he saw what I would not admit - a deep care and concern for Synoptic that I've felt for few folks in my entire life.
So I consoled Synoptic about this gal who dissed him... He emailed back and said that if he didn't love his location and I didn't love mine so very much... "I daresay we would make a go of it". Thanks, I'll keep that in the back of my mind.
++++
Wait a second...isn't this the same man who was so rude to me on vacation last year? Um... yeah. He's gonna need to get a clue if he wants to woo me!
Have Hope or... Are you there God? It's me, Dorothy...
Riding my bike home from a trail-trek with Othello this morning... we had breakfast. He went on about how he is soulsearching and attempting to find out who he is. Then Othello criticized my dating men 10 years older than me. (Even though that's only 44, which is pretty young, if you ask me).
I'd all but given up on the hope that I would have a partner, a lover, a co-equal and a co-parent. Othello WAS all that I'd wanted... but it didn't work out... it would not have worked out even if we had been okay with what we'd had... because there was a lack of compatibility, because there was a difference of goals, I could go on and on and on.
So why hope, all of a sudden? The night I came back to Othello, I prayed so hard that I was doing the right thing. We went for a walk and I saw this car with plates that said "Fere Not"... Back then, I had a sign, a confirmation that I was not to be afraid of entering into that relationship. Today... I saw a car with plates saying "HavHope"...
So I decided to Praise the Lord and not give up hope...
Peace,
Dot.
BTW... if anyone knows a guy under 45, who wants a successful, stable gal, and to have kids... do let me know, okay???
I'd all but given up on the hope that I would have a partner, a lover, a co-equal and a co-parent. Othello WAS all that I'd wanted... but it didn't work out... it would not have worked out even if we had been okay with what we'd had... because there was a lack of compatibility, because there was a difference of goals, I could go on and on and on.
So why hope, all of a sudden? The night I came back to Othello, I prayed so hard that I was doing the right thing. We went for a walk and I saw this car with plates that said "Fere Not"... Back then, I had a sign, a confirmation that I was not to be afraid of entering into that relationship. Today... I saw a car with plates saying "HavHope"...
So I decided to Praise the Lord and not give up hope...
Peace,
Dot.
BTW... if anyone knows a guy under 45, who wants a successful, stable gal, and to have kids... do let me know, okay???
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Moving on.. but still mourning My Beloved.....
No matter how I move forward in my life.... my beloved Othello is always there. Last night I asked him why he still felt so close to me. We both decided that it's because we still feel like partners. That's messed up because we broke up and don't want to get back together. He thinks I require too much attention.
I'm having a ball with all of the gentlemen calling on me these days. El Guapo spent a good chunk of time with me in the late morning/early afternoon. In fact, there is quite a bit of chemistry between us. To the point where it was necessary for me to say that I couldn't be with him if there was not a distinct possibility of children in our future.
So the question for tomorrow's episode is this: Can Dorothy actually walk away from someone who she is starting to fall for, only because he doesn't think he wants children?
Okay.. keep me in your prayers, please?
Thanks.
Dot
And this is creating distance how? It just hit me again like a ton of bricks.
He said "We were sooooooo close. But I wasn't in love with you and couldn't give you what you needed from me".
I'm having a ball with all of the gentlemen calling on me these days. El Guapo spent a good chunk of time with me in the late morning/early afternoon. In fact, there is quite a bit of chemistry between us. To the point where it was necessary for me to say that I couldn't be with him if there was not a distinct possibility of children in our future.
So the question for tomorrow's episode is this: Can Dorothy actually walk away from someone who she is starting to fall for, only because he doesn't think he wants children?
Okay.. keep me in your prayers, please?
Thanks.
Dot
Sunday, July 01, 2007
First Date Disasters '07: Take 1 or Conquistadoro!
I met a Spanish Conquistador. We clicked. He asked me out on a date. This is our first date (I swear to God, every syllable is the truth).
[Scene 1: We ended up meeting in a "super-top-secret" parking garage I found - close, free, and totally hidden from view unless you knew it was there.]
Upon getting out of our cars, el Guapo moved toward me, looked me up and down... and placed one hand on the back of my head, the other hand on my shoulder.... looking deep into my eyes... he said "you're beautiful" .... Swoon. Then we hugged.
end of scene 1
[Scene 2: Walking to the Pub/Sitting in the Pub]
El Guapo ordered drinks and paid for them. We found a place to sit and browsed through the local free liberal newspaper. It's officially titled the "Sacramento News & Review" but we decided that it needs to be titled "The Midtown Rant & Vitriol". Haha. He ordered food and paid for it... see a pattern here?
A woman complimented my shoes, el Guapo complimented my eyeglasses and says that looking over the top of the rims is provocative. We eat our dinner, chatting and laughing, talking about exs and his kids and our failed marriages (one each). He told me that I eat analytically. Cute. I tried to be ladylike - glad he noticed.
During dinner, el Guapo asked me how I hold hands. He put his hand up and I took it. He said "You're RIGHT! That's the right way... women who hold hands wrong... there's something wrong with them..." So we held hands and chatted and flirted for a while longer. Then it was time to go, and he asked if I'd like to go for a walk.
end of scene 2
[Scene 3: Walking and the Capitol Rose Garden]
It is 7 blocks from the pub to the Capitol, but it's my one-trick-pony trick. Men love to act romantic in a romantic setting (Guys, I know you do). We walked and talked... talked and walked all of the way holding hands, as I navigated us to the rose garden. This is my home turf and el Guapo knows it. He asked me if I was going to mettle with his virtues. I told him I was going to take him to a burnt-down trailer... "heh-heh".
We got to my favorite entrance of the rose garden and I told him that the last time I was there, it was strewn with rose-petals on the sidewalk, all of the way to the fountain, as there had just been a wedding there. El Guapo asked me to show him my favorite rose, and I told him the ones that smell like raspberries are my favorite. I took off my shoes to walk in the grass and he wandered over to get a better vantage point of the moon.
He pulled me over to the Vietnam Memorial and told me about his crazy uncle and how messed up he was when he came home from that war. We expressed our political views and then sat on a bench, just soaking up the scent of roses, the sound of trickling water, and the nearly full moon. El Guapo pulled his knee up and scooted around so I could lay my head on his shoulder. He put both arms around me and kissed my neck.
I got up and el Guapo pulled my head to the side and kissed me. Sweet Surrender! I wanted to feel something in the moment that I was first kissed by someone other than Othello. But I didn't feel anything. (Big frowny face here). But I did keep my head about me and didn't do anything stupid, which was good.
More walking, more stopping, more hands on my waist. I slapped them once. He held me close, looked deep into my eyes and kissed me on the lips. It was such an intimate moment, as satisfying smack.... but I thought it was a little slutty, so I didn't return the kiss with as much gusto as it had been given. He kissed all over my face and then said "Oh my ... I have to step away before I get all grabby". It was nice of him to be so gentlemanly.
Walking back to our cars... we encountered a bachelorette party. They offered to take our picture, as seen here:
Did I mention that it was windy that night.
end of scene 3
[Scene 4: End of date, approaching the super-secret parking garage]
El Guapo asked what would happen if the parking garage had closed - it was now almost 3 hours later. I said that would be bad. He said "It would be fine... we would just roll with it." How f-ing fortuitous... because that is just what happened.
He said he would just call a cab. We both had to work Saturday morning and he was going to be pretty close. We decided to meet for lunch on Saturday. Meanwhile, I called Othello to come and get me.
Before anyone has a heart-attack and starts throwing sharp objects toward me... you must know that O is still my best friend (however difficult that is... it's what it is...). He dropped everything and came to get me. I pretty much bolted when he got there, because O said it was tacky of me to stand there with el Guapo. I screamed and cried at Othello because he would never ever respect el Guapo or anyone else, if they didn't wait with me and make sure I was safe.
Alrighty... so the next day I chatted with el Guapo, went to where he was working, and had a nice lunch. I got a sweet hug and a kiss, and he said "I'll see you again soon?" Okay...
end of scene 4
Okay. That last part was weird. Does that mean a good thing or a bad thing? Ahh... the humanity! I hate when I can't exactly read a date. I like el Guapo, but there are no feelings yet. Time, I know sen-sae. Hope you liked my first-date recreation...
[the] grasshoppah
[Scene 1: We ended up meeting in a "super-top-secret" parking garage I found - close, free, and totally hidden from view unless you knew it was there.]
Upon getting out of our cars, el Guapo moved toward me, looked me up and down... and placed one hand on the back of my head, the other hand on my shoulder.... looking deep into my eyes... he said "you're beautiful" .... Swoon. Then we hugged.
end of scene 1
[Scene 2: Walking to the Pub/Sitting in the Pub]
El Guapo ordered drinks and paid for them. We found a place to sit and browsed through the local free liberal newspaper. It's officially titled the "Sacramento News & Review" but we decided that it needs to be titled "The Midtown Rant & Vitriol". Haha. He ordered food and paid for it... see a pattern here?
A woman complimented my shoes, el Guapo complimented my eyeglasses and says that looking over the top of the rims is provocative. We eat our dinner, chatting and laughing, talking about exs and his kids and our failed marriages (one each). He told me that I eat analytically. Cute. I tried to be ladylike - glad he noticed.
During dinner, el Guapo asked me how I hold hands. He put his hand up and I took it. He said "You're RIGHT! That's the right way... women who hold hands wrong... there's something wrong with them..." So we held hands and chatted and flirted for a while longer. Then it was time to go, and he asked if I'd like to go for a walk.
end of scene 2
[Scene 3: Walking and the Capitol Rose Garden]
It is 7 blocks from the pub to the Capitol, but it's my one-trick-pony trick. Men love to act romantic in a romantic setting (Guys, I know you do). We walked and talked... talked and walked all of the way holding hands, as I navigated us to the rose garden. This is my home turf and el Guapo knows it. He asked me if I was going to mettle with his virtues. I told him I was going to take him to a burnt-down trailer... "heh-heh".
We got to my favorite entrance of the rose garden and I told him that the last time I was there, it was strewn with rose-petals on the sidewalk, all of the way to the fountain, as there had just been a wedding there. El Guapo asked me to show him my favorite rose, and I told him the ones that smell like raspberries are my favorite. I took off my shoes to walk in the grass and he wandered over to get a better vantage point of the moon.
He pulled me over to the Vietnam Memorial and told me about his crazy uncle and how messed up he was when he came home from that war. We expressed our political views and then sat on a bench, just soaking up the scent of roses, the sound of trickling water, and the nearly full moon. El Guapo pulled his knee up and scooted around so I could lay my head on his shoulder. He put both arms around me and kissed my neck.
I got up and el Guapo pulled my head to the side and kissed me. Sweet Surrender! I wanted to feel something in the moment that I was first kissed by someone other than Othello. But I didn't feel anything. (Big frowny face here). But I did keep my head about me and didn't do anything stupid, which was good.
More walking, more stopping, more hands on my waist. I slapped them once. He held me close, looked deep into my eyes and kissed me on the lips. It was such an intimate moment, as satisfying smack.... but I thought it was a little slutty, so I didn't return the kiss with as much gusto as it had been given. He kissed all over my face and then said "Oh my ... I have to step away before I get all grabby". It was nice of him to be so gentlemanly.
Walking back to our cars... we encountered a bachelorette party. They offered to take our picture, as seen here:
Did I mention that it was windy that night.
end of scene 3
[Scene 4: End of date, approaching the super-secret parking garage]
El Guapo asked what would happen if the parking garage had closed - it was now almost 3 hours later. I said that would be bad. He said "It would be fine... we would just roll with it." How f-ing fortuitous... because that is just what happened.
He said he would just call a cab. We both had to work Saturday morning and he was going to be pretty close. We decided to meet for lunch on Saturday. Meanwhile, I called Othello to come and get me.
Before anyone has a heart-attack and starts throwing sharp objects toward me... you must know that O is still my best friend (however difficult that is... it's what it is...). He dropped everything and came to get me. I pretty much bolted when he got there, because O said it was tacky of me to stand there with el Guapo. I screamed and cried at Othello because he would never ever respect el Guapo or anyone else, if they didn't wait with me and make sure I was safe.
Alrighty... so the next day I chatted with el Guapo, went to where he was working, and had a nice lunch. I got a sweet hug and a kiss, and he said "I'll see you again soon?" Okay...
end of scene 4
Okay. That last part was weird. Does that mean a good thing or a bad thing? Ahh... the humanity! I hate when I can't exactly read a date. I like el Guapo, but there are no feelings yet. Time, I know sen-sae. Hope you liked my first-date recreation...
[the] grasshoppah
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