The Chipmunk Races....

Yesterday was good. M.W. and Kiki went skydiving, and I stayed on the ground and took their pictures. Got a free bottle of good wine "7 Deadly Zins" out of it, free lunch, and a little more heartached; I really regretted the loss of this relationship on every level.

Although a good point was when I realized that I loved M.W. -- still do -- but that I'm not "in love" like I used to be. It's healing, finally.

So I bet you're wondering why Chipmunk Races? Well, I'll tell you: Went on a bike ride yesterday from here, up the hill, to back home again. It was 52 miles! My bum and knees hurt. My face is sunburnt (is that a word?) and I'm tiiiiirrrrreeeeddd.

There were two incidents with chipmunks that made me laugh: sitting on the side of the road, they would run their fool heads off -- as fast as they could -- for about 20 feet when I came along side them! I loved it. Raced with a bird once (in a car), but this took the cake! Also saw two mule dear from about 3 feet away, as well as a wild turkey, same distance. I love nature!

(note: Monday morning, I posted this from bed, because my a$$ feels like it's going to fall off!).

Officially Bad

Yes it's true... I am now a bad person. [insert frowny face here]

Why, you ask? Because I met a rare person - Kilo, a physical soul mate. LOL. Sounds funny, eh? He is what I wanted, needed, to be happy, to forget about everything else... you know. Any excuse works.

So he's 12 years younger than me and desperately wanted a "relationship", as he is still nursing a heart-break as a jilted groom last year. I was going to meet him on Saturday because I liked him for his 6'3" frame, red-blonde hair, and muscles. I was going to meet him because he was incredibly smart for his age, and incredibly experienced in the art of wooing, and because he said everything that I wanted to hear.

But he wanted a relationship. He is not even out of college yet.

As much as I thought I wanted an "instant" relationship with all the trimmings.... I don't. IT NEEDS TO BE RIGHT. I told all of this to my Guardian Angel last night, who promptly whipped my morals back into shape and encouraged me to write an email to cancel the date (even gave a few suggested lines).

Perhaps I'm not that bad afterall? I was praying all afternoon about how bad I felt about this... just needed to confide in GA, who could help me focus for a minute.

Bad thing #2:
Walked by a homeless person who was "sleeping" in the grass, on my way to lunch. On my way back from lunch, the paramedics where "wheeling" him into the "ambulance". Not sure if he was dead or alive. Bad Dog, Dorothy!

Thanks Jesus, for Duckies... and Guardian Angles (even the human variety)...

Dot.

His First Date Debrief

M.W. went out on his first date today. He sounded so hopeful and excited. I remember when he felt that way about me. Didn't let a second go by without letting me know how much he liked me, was thinking about me. I miss it. I miss him terribly.

But for her sake, it frightens me because she's not too much older than me, and unless she has different goals for her life, she'll end up heart-broken too.

Come to think of it, if M.W. decided that he wanted kids with someone else (because that was one of our "deal-breakers")... I would seriously lose some respect for his honesty in our relationship.

----

Be that as it may. I'm starting to have doubts that Redneck will even call me again... so I've taken steps this week to possibly see the Norwegian for coffee. I've got two more lunch dates -- one for real and one tentative with two different guys. But I'm not interested in either "Kilo" (the real one) or Other Old Guy (OOG, the tentative one), so we'll see what happens.

First Date Debrief

Okay, so I'm home from der Breakfast Date with Redneck. You know... he's really cute: Taller, blonder and thinner than Jeff Daniels... but looks a lot like him! He's a little goofy, a lot smart, and really loves his kids and dogs.

He was just as shaky as me -- spilled his coffee in my lap when he sat down. LOL! We talked for a couple of hours, kidded eachother about our jobs, found out where eachother went to school, spends their free time...

Last week I sent him an email from SpaceWeather.com about a meteor shower that was supposed to happen on last Saturday Morning. He actually got out of bed at 3 AM to see it! Too bad it was cloudy where he lives... but how flattering is that?

Anyways, Redneck gave me a hug at the end of the date and I slipped him my business card with the home address written on the back. I'm so not cool about waiting for guys to call me. Because I really want him to call me!

So that's it from here... It still feels all weird to be dating when I'm not quite over M.W. ... but everyone says that this is a key time in my life to move on, explaore what I want and who I want to be with. So I guess I will.

Thank you Jesus, for Duckies!

Dot!

Things that Make Me Glad:

1) I just tried to burn a music CD for Redneck (first date tomorrow morning, 8 AM). It didn't work because the disc was bad. So I wrote "VOID" across the back... then shredded it IN MY PAPER SHREDDER, just like a voided cheque. ROTFLMAO

2) Took a trip today. I was so full of angst after my recent breakup, that I'd planned this "escape".. this running away... check out my ininary:



3) Who Am I? That the Lord of All the Earth... well, you know the song. But seriously folks... What did I ever do, to deserve the beauty that was afforded me today. The beach. The cow pasture above it. The "peppermint" forest (actually eucalyptus).

Check these out, yo!


Blind Beach, just off Hwy 1.

More Patience, More Grasshoppah!

Seriously. No phone call all day long. What's wrong with men?

It's not like I haven't been here before. But my requirement is a guy who wants to go out with me bad enough to make an effort to talk with me.

Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

I really needed to get a grip.

My grip today came in the form of Joe, who, out of the blue, gave me some very sage and very biblical advice. After communicating the business we needed to do, he said something which made me believe that he was dissing his marriage. Something like "I wish I could be happy, but I've got four kids, so I'm not going anywhere..."

Of course, I kinda freaked out because I didn't want to start down that road again. So I mentioned how important it is for us to seek counseling, work toward similar goals, and be good parents to the children.

Joe said "Look at Adam... His dad was perfect and Adam still was a weak and ordinary human being." That made me smile, because I'd never thought of it that way.

Forty-five minutes later, we finished talking, he gave me tons of dating advice, I gave him tons of "what not to do in a marriage" advice, and then said goodbye.

Thanks Jesus, for Duckies!

Patience, Grasshoppah....

Yesterday... all day... Redneck emailed with me, back and forth. Since I've actually been acquainted with him for about 6 years, most of our conversation was a review of what we already knew, and what we've been doing since we lost touch a couple or three years ago.

He never called when he got out of work, though. He emailed me to ask for our date, and, um, Isn't this a RED FLAG WARNING? Maybe it's just a sign of the times?

So I'm vowing here and now, that I won't initiate conversation with him this morning (even though I know he's at work) nor call him to double-check our plans (because we're meeting close to my home, and if he doesn't show, no harm). Why do men not care about women, when we're thinking about them all of the time???

Oh, I get it -- maybe that's their RED FLAG WARNING about us? Oh... Hahaha!

One thing I didn't ask was whether Redneck is single. I'm pretty sure he is... but knowing some of the company he keeps, they wouldn't be above dating while married... so there needs to be a way to find that out (short of grilling him the second we meet). Okay... but if I were a guy and I wanted to meet someone and I were married... I would keep it to lunch only, and not push for the whole date thing (he suggested that we ride on the bike trails along the American River, which I love -- all 50 miles). But then... what would a sociopath do??

Yikes. I'm really going to date, huh? (that is, if Redneck ever calls to confirm!)

The Great Biking Date...

Alrighty then.... so I have a date on Monday. Not with the Norwegian that I met two days ago... but someone else, who I think of as Honest, Sensitive and a little Red-necked.

Since it's my day off, I'll be well rested and relaxed -- NOT! It's a date. Casual, bike-riding. Maybe coffee. I'm not up for anything else. Life has got to be on my terms, or it's not acceptable.

So RedNeck says he hasn't ridden in years. I'll let you know how it goes. Sigh. Did I mention that I'm excited about this?

At the same time, it kind of feels wrong... since I'm still burning a torch for M.W. Love like that doesn't go away so easy. It hit me that I was true to him, 100%, and being in love with him and dating anyone else seems wrong.

But even though my heart is refusing the truth, my head knows what's right. M.W. is slipping out of my life and I have to move forward.

Boy CraZy......

Seriously.

I walk into a store and someone catches my eye. And my hormones go nutzo! Who is this cutie? From whence did he come? Is he single? Oohh.. no ring. Hmm. My new butcher-shop boyfriend.

And the guy who just flirted with me at the bakery? My new bakery boyfriend.

Dr. McDreamy from TV's Gray's Anatomy? My TV boyfriend. Ray LaMontagne? My music boyfriend.

And Moby from my favourite coffee shop? My coffee shop boyfriend. And V.D. from school? My professorial boyfriend.

[hears inner voice] DOROTHY: GET A GRIP!

Sigh. I'm spent.

"Can't we just do it with coffee and cookies?"

Life Church, that I attended for nearly 5 years when I lived in Oklahoma, was my spiritual Home. It opened me up to the fact that my situation did not have to be ideal, to still worship and give honor to our God.

When I couldn't make it to church, I could watch the service on TV (no lie!) or better yet, on the internet, during a particularly stressful day at the office. Phew. That saved me so many times!

The closer I became to M.W., the more we talked about our spirituality together. During our very first dinner date, we held hands and said grace together, in the middle of a restaurant. It was amazing that this man who stole my heart was so gracious and full of God's love.

Anyone who has been to one of Life's services (now at 5 locations in OK, two in AZ and perhaps one or two more in TX) knows that there is an open communion to all believers, during the worship portion of the service. M.W. and I were trapped in a center row, and couldn't get out. At the same time, we had never taken communion together.

I really loved that desire to worship together. It's something that I'd always imagined about my future spouse -- that he would love God as much as I do. M.W. totally fit that bill.

So anyways, back to the story. We were trapped in the row with tons of people all around. All we had were the refreshments that we got outside -- coffee and cookies. M.W. grabbed my hand as he whispered into my ears "Can't we just do it with coffee and cookies?" So we sat in our chairs with the band blaring in the background, and took coffee-wine and cookie-bread, and thanked Jesus for dying for our sins, and thanked God for giving us Jesus, and asked forgiveness for the bad we have done, and to help us to always live God's will.

--

In case you wondered, I'm spending another holiday all alone. It's mostly my fault, because I don't want to be a tag-along with someone else's plans. But also I want to be wanted, need to be needed. So I'm reading devotionals that I saved up from the week, trying to decide whether or not to tell my mom that I'm too broken up from losing my (M.W.'s) church to look for another one right now.

And plus, I'm eating Peeps, so I'm sugar-overloaded. LOL.

Happy Easter, everyone!

Come back, Baby to me...

Interesting dreams last night. My little boy, my blonde adonis with tiny round glasses, all of three years old, but articulate as can be... he came to visit my dreams last night!

It has been years since I've dreamed about my babies. When M.W. told me that he no longer wanted a family with me, I should have let him go... Naively, we both wanted to believe that we could get over that and still lead a productive life.

But little Hunter (of course, not his real name) was there, large as life. He knew I was his mommy and he was so tiny but could still walk. His glasses killed me because he was so gorgeous and happy and wonderful.

There was a time before I met M.W. and during our now-defunct courtship that I was fearful that I would not make a good mom. I constantly had thoughts that I would do something dumb like drop the little muffin on his head, or forget to feed him, or leave him in the shopping cart. Through therapy and a round of anti-depressants, I learned that the emotional abuse my ex doled out, coupled with my current depression was responsible for it. Imagine the relief when those thoughts no longer haunted me!

But this is the first time in at least two years, that I've dreamed about my boy. It's a new era of my life, and I can see it. Just need to remember that it WILL happen....


Patience, Grasshoppah!

My Vitriole

I wanted to go off and say how I gave it my all in this relationship, how I gave everything I had, and that I got nothing in return.

But that isn't true.

M.W. gave me a lot in return. Starting with confidence that I never had before. In a big way, that is one of the most bitter components of my rant, because I never wanted him to be my "mother hen", never asked him to "save" me or foster me until I could make it on my own. Because I could always have made it on my own.

Another thing that M.W. gave me in return, was to always impress, to do more than necessary, to go overboard with what those around me expect... more work will come my way if I blow them out of the water with my awesomenitude (I'm sure that's a word).

Part of my vitriole lies in that I gave it my all like it was for real. And yes, in case you wondered... It hurts like it was forever.

Change of topic...
Ever heard Suzy Bogguss? Okay sure, it was one of M.W.s and my favorites. Mainly country, but she has this great "Swing" album out, which knocks my socks off! "Burnin' the Toast for You" reminds me of such a newlywed feeling. Perhaps one day, if I don't end up like J2, someone will let me burn his toast?

peace.

d

On the Brighter Side of Blue....

Okay. I ripped that off of a Tal Bachman song. Tal is the son of our 70's fave: Bachman Turner Overdrive (BTO for short). HE IS AWESOME. Take my word for it. If you knew just how much music I love and have, you'd know that you should believe me. LOL.

Here's the bright side of my visit to J2 yesterday:
See Image.

When You're Up You're Up...

And when you're down your down...
And when you're only halfway up...

YOU FEEL LIKE HELL!

My hairdresser, J2 (Jayleigh II because her name is the same as my dear twin), is 55. She is the most awesome thing ever, and was telling me about her poor luck with men since she was divorced at 21 years old. J2 told me how strong and awesome I am, for sticking to my guns and not staying with someone who doesn't want me.

Um... she's been single for OVER 30 YEARS! Doesn't that concern you a bit? It sure as hell concerns me! It's the worst-case nightmare scenario. Yeah... Like I'm gonna go and have me a hell of a time, then settle down and get married. Um, never, because in 30 years, it just hasn't worked out.

Damn damn damn damn!

I'm gonna be an old maid, ain't I?

Damn it.

The 48-hour No Cry Zone

Well... for 48 hours, I was tear-free. Not even sure why, but it was okay for a while. M.W. was in the area last night and we went to coffee and pie. He's still my best friend. We're just now learning how to be best friends....

Rewind 48-hours... M.W. suggested that we meet on Tuesday night. It's easier said than done, as we are both so busy. Ironically, we were both in class Tuesday night... 100 miles apart. It was a bit nerve-wracking, thinking about meeting him. Neither of us are dating and we still love eachother very much... therefore, it was incredibly important that we not do "anything stupid".

So we met at one of our favourite restaurants, enjoyed our food, basked in eachother's smiles, and reminded eachother why we can't date anymore. Someone we know called us "mature" about this breakup. It's heartbreaking, but there is no choice but to do it right. We still love eachother that much.

I used to either be envious or else I felt negative toward couples who used to date but now said they were just "good friends".... as though it were not possible. I'm gaining a healthy new respect for those folks.

wamhas M.W.

Unbreak My Heart

Toni Braxton sang that song...

Unbreak My heart.
Say you love me again.
Undo that hurt that you caused
when you walk out the door
and out of my life.
Uncry these tears,
I've cried so many nights.
Oh Unbreak my heart.

Yeah, that. Unbreak my heart.

I'm not mad at M.W. you know. I'm mad at myself for believing that it was real. We had a really great start, and neither of us knew how or even if we should extracate ourselves when things turned wrong.

Some days are good, and some are bad. I just pray that if anyone ever comes close to breaking my heart again.... I have the discernment to extracate myself before it's too late.

Time, Love and Bitterness...

Yah, shure, it's going to take time for my life to settle down and feel whole again.

There was a party tonight. One that M.W. had asked me to attend a month ago. A couple of weeks after the breakup, he asked me to consider still going. I had decided yes, and then he told me (big surprise) that it wasn't right for me to be there.

I'm tired of feeling like I can't even breakup right. And I'm starting to feel a little bitter for being constantly asked to keep an open mind, to go places and do things, and then to be told later that I'm not welcome because it's not "appropriate".

With time, this too shall pass. But the difficulty of maintaining a friendship while breaking up is obvious.

Whichever Way the Wind Blows...

That old Dylan song has a line in it "You don't need a weatherman, to tell which way the wind blows"... I kind of feel lately, like I'm just blowing around whichever way the wind blows.

I saw M.W. the other day. It was a meeting for the professional society to which we both belong. We knew that we were going to see eachother, so it was not a surprise. In a way, we wanted to "try on" how it felt to see eachother, in a professional environment. All of our friends were there -- some of them even brought their little babies. The ones who knew us and that we'd broken up were suppportive and offered a listening ear. Some of our friends expressed concern that we were still cordial, that we spoke like nothing had happened.

We went for dessert after the meeting and talked. It hurt my heart to not be able to talk with him, to tell him how I felt. And I think it hurt him too. So we had pie and really opened up. It got pretty raw, and it's amazing how much we both still love eachother. M.W. said he hates feeling like he is in Limbo. I told him that by breaking up with him, I was breaking out of that limbo... finally. I'm getting stronger.

Some days the winds are up... some days they're down. But every day that passes I'm feeling a little stronger about being alone, about my path in this big bad world.

Am I a Jerk?

Yes, I think so.

Almost as soon as I finished the post below..........
I learned that I almost had a visitor this evening.


Almost.

What We Do For Love...

Looking back at the past year, there were several warning signs that things with M.W. were not going well. At some point, he had asked me to be patient with him and try to just "live in the moment"... I was never very good at it, but still tried... because I love him so much.

Another thing I did to show him my love, was to try not to complain about ending up in the bay area 3 or 4 weekends a month, since before Christmas. Except for one weekend where he came here for the afternoon, and the last time he came to see me, it was sometime way before Christmas when he last spent the weekend. But again... something I did because I loved him.

At Christmas, he took time out of his workday to see all of the folks he works with, take them little Christmas trinkets, and tries to drum up business. Somehow, I'd always assumed we would do it together, be in business together one day. It should have dawned on me when he quit sharing the financial details of his business, when he wouldn't let me help with the month-end accounting.

Today, he told me that he was going to take some dvds around to all of the stations. It's something quite unique... but I'm thinking two things: First, why could they not be mailed? But of course, then he couldn't drum up the business. And second? That kind of way out of your way gesture of unexpected kindness? That's what you do for someone when you're in love.

He loves his job. Good for him.

I really really like my job, but my life is defined by and is made better with the relationships I've had with people. You know, it wasn't a problem with me.. the reason why he didn't love me enough. It was his problem for being married to his work (work which I respect, but no room for anything besides a human to share parties and church, I guess).

Today I felt stronger and angrier that I have in a long time. I was mad at him for tearing my walls down and just leaving me here, exposed to the world. He asked me to trust him, and I did.... because I loved him so.

So many facets of life I enjoy because of the experiences we shared together. I do not regret them. I am truely sorry that they do not go on. But our friendship still remains intact.

My mom says I should just "break it off for good" and get on with my life. I can't do that, because he is my best friend. Even after this breakup, I think we're better friends because I stopped caring about making him happy, and he isn't worried about always hurting my feelings.

With the depth of my heart, I will hurt over this infinitely. But someday, somehow... someone will do for me, for love... what no one else would do.

Close, but No Cigar

My dear love, my M.W. is no longer mine. I promised myself after the divorce was final, that I would take some time to get to know myself.... then move forward into the rest of my life. From the very first date I had with M.W., I truly wanted to believe that he was more than a "get over it" relationship.

We were compatable in so many ways. I filled out an online personality test the other day, that basically takes your information and tells you in words, what you are looking for in another human being. Out of nearly 30 qualities and values, M.W. had all but one. But that one was the deal-breaker.

Is it no wonder I'm having a hard time getting over the near-perfection of the relationship? So close.... so very close.

I really loved him and believed that we would have a future together. And it's not that easy to get over.

On Remembering that I'm a Good Daughter and other stuff

Upon changing all of my passwords this morning (so that they did not have anything to do with M.W., anything we shared together, or his dog), I reviewed my internet billing account settings. I'd totally forgotten that I pay the monthly fees for my parents' internet dial-up access; they have never paid a single cent for access to the World Wide Web.

Seriously, I don't really care that I pay for it -- it's what a Good Daughter should do (especially when she knows that her folks would be total luddites without her electronic tuteledge). It's just that I was impressed that I had done that, that I keep doing that, and that they are getting enjoyment out of something that I do for them. Sigh. I'm good, ain't I?

I'm listening to Acoustic Sunrise (tm) on KFOG. Remember that song called "You're one of my kind" by INXS? Like late 80s. "Cause I'm not sleeping... there's something about you girl... that makes me sweat..." I'm listening to the acoustic version with their new singer "JD Fortune"... you know, the one that was chosen on that reality show last year? Know what I like that much? The acoustic version of "Pinball Wizard". Seriously folks. You've got to be a huge music fan to like acoustic versions.

Alright. Know what else? I have been thinking about the number of weeks when I went to see M.W., thinking that if he irked me in the slightest, I was going to walk out and never come back. He always encouraged my heart, because in his presence, I felt calm, at peace even. And when he was looking into my eyes, holding my hand, or even sharing a Triple Grande Non-fat No-Whip Mocha... it didn't even occur to me that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with him. All of the shitty stuff happened when we were not together.

Can that be called neglect?

Who knows, but it makes me feel good that it wasn't something that either of us did, to end us. It's what we didn't do. So then why do we still love eachother so much? And why in hell does it hurt so?

Hmm.

No Faith or No Energy?

I have completely given up the idea that, in life, I can be happy with someone by finding them on my own.

First there were all of the highschool boyfriends. Then my ex-husband who made me feel the highest highs... and consequently the lowest lows. M.W. is my wholly compatable soulmate, we get along, are happy and energetic together and... well it's like running electricity through a gas: electrons are in an excited state. We were never at rest.

I'm not up for any more of the disappointment that these relationships generated. I give up! My friend G3, in Oklahoma, is Indian. She is in her late 20s, and told me that her parents would arrange a marriage for her when she returns to India.

Now hold on to your hat.... it ain't that bad! If you think about it... the parents and the match-makers are picking out someone with whom they believe you will be compatable. Doesn't that sound wonderful? If my family would not have blessed my marriage, then I would have moved forward from there, not worrying about what the future brought.

So here were have it -- what options are there in the world, for a girl who's had the desire to date, to even look for a mate, beaten out of her?

I am so tired.

He Was the One; Apparently I Was Not the One...

Okay, so I'm still grieving, still mourning the loss of my life's greatest love.

Someone asked last weekend if I subscribed to the "finger system" of rating guys. I learned that it was "how many fingers you'd be willing to cut off, in order to be able to sleep with that girl or guy (gender opposite)". Um... heeeelllll no! Sleeping with a guy would never warrant cutting off a finger.

M.W. on the other hand... I would cut off at least three fingers if it would give me back what we had, and another finger and two teeth, if it would give me the future that I thought we were heading for.

I'm not sure why my weekend feels so crappy. Perhaps since I walked downtown (conveniently next to V.D.s house) and saw him with his girlfriend. He has a girlfriend. Oh well. It's time for me to move on.

You know, if M.W. would have just said "Yes, you're right... I don't want to marry you and never will... so please get on with your life and get out of mine"... I think I would be recovering by now. But for some asinine reason, I actually believed that his icy heart would melt and he would feel the love and have a change of heart.

I am such a plucking idiot!