Unsettling times...

Flashback to the year I was 22 and had been married for 2 years: watching movies with hub, twin sis and her hub. Middle of the summer and we lived in a very land-locked area. Baking outside and we remained inside in the dark all day. The movie was some Nick Cage flick that was boring and depicted Christmastime.

I recall walking over to my in-laws (who then lived next door to sis-sis), and sitting on their patio for a while. The feeling that was plaguing me has visited me from time to time in my 3 decades. It's like being trapped or depressed or prevented from quenching your deep-down thirst for whatever would quench you, because you don't know what would quench you. For certain, that summer, I'd have loved a lake or a river. I love cool, clear rivers that are partially covered by trees. That feeling? It was angst! Like no one would allow me the capacity to want something different... going with the flow was the only way to go. It's exhausting to march to your own tune. The only other times I've had that feeling was 1) when I as a little girl, was quite ill, and mom wasn't home (don't ya hate it when you're stick and dad is the one who has to take care of you? not the same...), and 2) my wedding day -- all of the decorations were set, and I was in the church alone. I was NOT going to allow myself to not get married. Not after all of that preparation. Plus, I did not want to make decisions based on emotions.

There is this dark cloud hanging over my head. It sucks. I'm depressed and eating everything in sight. Plus, I'm running more than ever. Why can't I lose this damn weight? What happened to all of my smart eating habits? It's not a total wash... but I'm totally embarassed that I've gained 5-10 lbs.! Add to that, I can't seem to get my checkbook balanced... neither can I seem to keep the people and things in mind that I must.... I ain't been sensitive. I'm a wreck. God help me.