Taking Back the Night...

Not exactly in the traditional sense... but I haven't been able to sleep in days. Reason Number 1 is that sleep is a waste of time, when I could be doing virtually ANYTHING ELSE. 2, it's nearly 80 degrees in my apartment. How will I survive the summer? 3, tonight I had a 1 hour dream about a great friend of mine, upon whom I once had a crush.

In that dream, everything happened that I wanted to happen... and then lots of bad stuff happened because of it. It was kinda a waking dream -- not a lucid dream, because that is when you can control the outcome. It was like I was aware in bed, how I was feeling in my dream. Even though I went to bed at 1, got up for ice cream at 2... I said I slept for only an hour... so it's just past 3, now. Oh oh oh! I know.. the dream felt very matrix-like.

Speaking of the Matrix...
Or of the Trueman Show, or any other movie of that genre.... what should we make of it? In reality, God is the omnipotent, omnipresent... so what's the difference if it's God or some dude with a beer and a cigar pulling the strings? Oh that's right: because God is the one who knows all, sees all, and the one to whom I humbly offer my worship and praise and prayers.

A strong #4 from paragraph number 1...
There have been things in my past of which I am not proud. Namely, a collection of items placed in public view, which were not painting me in the most flattering light. True, there were a lot of times when I felt that was the way to get attention. Now it's time to selvage my self-esteem and make myself whole again. That means not sending false signals to guys I'm not interested in, too. That means not flirting just for the attention.

While there is another I am trying to honour by my "taking back the night"... it was conceived because of my own feelings toward me. Taken advantage of is the best way to describe my feelings. But there are lots of other hurt synonyms that can be entered in as well: Used, shown disrespect, whored-for-a-thrill, as well as mocked socially (and in one instance, professionally), gossipped about, and taken for a fool.

Ending on a happy note
My boss kinda offered to do some of my bidding today. Not in a "muh-ha-ha" sense as much as a "hey, let me do this favor for you." He really impressed me a few weeks ago when he expressed his desire to be a servant leader. Jesus Christ was a servant leader, and very humble. My Daddy is the same way (even played Jesus in the Church Easter Play each year, when he was younger). Anyways, I want to be like that too. While it's a contant struggle to not be "me Me ME!" in the office... he makes it easier to spread my mind and my wings. What a great person to work for! I'd think twice about giving him a kidney if he needed it!