God Does Indeed Speak Today, or I'm Lonely!

This is an email that I sent to my pastor about 10 minutes ago:

Hi Pastor ,

I decided not to post this message, because there is a lot of situational info and I wasn't sure how to word it so that it didn't lose its relevancy. But I did want to share it:

Yesterday (that's Sunday... but since I've been working overnights... I think technically today is Tuesday... you get the drift), I went to church (www.lifechurch.tv) and the pastor mentioned that several years ago, he was in a plane from DFW to New York... about 20 minutes outside of Dallas. The pilot came on the speaker and said there were mechanical problems, and that they were going to turn the plane around and go back to DFW, but they were going to prepare for a possible crash landing. For 20 minutes, his life passed before his eyes, and he thought of all of the regrets he had in his life.. things he wished he'd done, didn't do... did differently, etc. When the plane finally landed safely, he made a vow to live in the present, and try to always live God's will, and live without regrets.

What troubled me about the message was twofold: first, that I am flying to California this coming Saturday. Flying makes me nervous, and the last thing I wanted to hear about, ever, was someone's near-disastrous experience. I know that it's much safer than driving... but as an aviation meteorologist... I also know that flying over/landing in Denver will be no picnic as well (don't like the uncontrolled feeling of turbulence -- who does?)... The other thing that troubled me, was living without regrets. How can one live as though today is his last day, and also plan for the future?

This afternoon, I got my hair cut by the woman who I've know probably longest in Oklahoma. Traci is talented, and I drive 20 miles across the city so that I can still see her. It's not just her talent, it's her attitude about life, and the fact that she's a Christian, and that she's my age. Anyways... I told her that I was troubled abou the message in church yesterday. Her reply was "You know Joelle, that even the pilot does not have control over what happens to the plane. You were in church yesterday. You heard it. If it's your time... it's your time." Zing! I know that was God talking to me through her.

(beware the focus changes slightly here)
Oddly, I'm calmed by that statement, even though it still nags at my mind that I'm still thinking about it. I've always made a point not to make ominous comments about my life... The fact that I'm even writing this email bothers me. Someone said that those who are afraid of dying don't really know Jesus. Or is it they I have something to hide? I'm sorry, I'm really tired right now. Maybe they said that those who are afraid of dying are not really living. Whatever the comment, it's rolling around in my mind because I think of all of the things I want to accomplish -- and they are not even things that I wanted selfishly for my life. They are goals I have always felt God gave me to work toward.

So I thought I would feel better if I made a list of my regrets, and then prayed about them and asked God to help me make amends or changes. The first thing on my list was that I couldn't make my marriage work, no matter how hard I tried, how much I prayed, where I searched (in my heart and mind), and no matter how much I changed, on the inside and on the outside.

Since the entirety of that regret is based on what I was doing and unable to accomplish... does that mean I am to apologize and then let it go? Some days I feel like it's going to eat me alive... like there was maybe a rock that I left unturned... and if I could go back in time, perhaps it wouldn't have turned out this way. Then I recall that for the past (at least) 2 years, I have been praying that God show me the way in this situation, make the way something that I will know without question, and make that way unretractable -- something that I couldn't go back on, no matter what.

I guess I just wanted to share my unique experience... and, I'm asking for prayers of guidance, reassurance that I am taking the right course of action in my personal life, confidence that I am still keeping my heart and mind open to God's will... as well as safety for my upcoming trip.

That was a lot to unload, and I'm sorry. You talked about being lonely before. Believe me, I can identify -- the last time I had human contact other than handing the cashier at Taco Bell a $5 bill, was when I hugged my mom and dad at the airport on the 21st of February. So I'm lonely too... For someone who ostensibly has it all together... I sure feel like a mess a lot of the time.

I'm just sure things are going to get better though...

Take Care