Nice people, nice weather, nice nice nice...

Something that I've always wanted to do, was visit the place where I am right now... it's odd to think that I let my former spouse have that much of a negative influence on my life... can you imagine that the last vacation I took was to Cape Cod in 1999? My best friend invited the two of us to spend three weeks with her folks in Mass. They were great people, and it was a great vacation because I was with my best friend. My hub at the time spent all his time fishing and talking about fishing. God loves the man, to be sure... but No one on planet Earth can make me feel like as big a bitch, as finicky, stupid, or mean as that man can.

All of my time and efforts with him were in vain, or at least it feels that way. A year into my marriage, my mantra became "You can't make anyone do anything"... That is rather fatalistic, no matter how true it is... My point is mentioning it, is that I knew things weren't right, and I just didn't know how to fix it.

It was just the perfect afternoon.....

After all of my flight-anxiety, it seems that the plane rides are perfect. In fact, so perfect at one point, I'd forgotten I was on a plane. Praise the Lord that I got here safely.... and still praying that the remainder of my trip goes well.

Know that song, I Left My Heart in San Francisco? Yeah... that's how I felt from the time I landed at the airport, to when we drove into the City (that's San Francisco), to when we ate lunch on Pier 39, got coffee there, watched the sea lions from there, and also called the fog into the bay and watched it roll past Alcatraz Island. I'm staying in the East Bay, so it was cool and foggy in the City yesterday, and it's cool with low stratus in the East Bay.

Today's plans include attending the Flower and Garden Show, and lunch with some of my host's friends -- more meteorologists (which I can't like more than I do, because it's *awesome* to hang with people with whom you identify)!

I'm starting to feel like all I'm doing on this vacation is to search for Validation (definition #2). Maybe it's because I want some comfort and to find a new place for my heart (see above referenced "left it in San Francisco"). Anyways, whatever the reason, I feel very at home here. Long Sigh.

Plus....

California Dreamin.....

Note to self: Recall the spring break we went with mom and dad to CHS to see Uncle Chuck, and went to a restaurant in a brick building on the Charleston Bay, called California Dreamin'? Sigh.

Flying By the Seat of My Pants, or, A Soundtrack for My Trip to California

(Led Zepplin song) Going to California...
(Joni Mitchell song) California
(RHCP song) Californication
(PP&M song) Leaving on a Jet Plane

I talked myself out of being a fraidy-cat about flying. When it's all said and done, I realize that God's will be done... plus He's the only one in control, really. So if I'm gonna bite it tomorrow, I will , regardless of whether or not I was on an aeroplane.

But if I had my druthers, I want to live a long life that is full and that glorifies His name.

I heard something today...
That Muslims believe that Jesus' followers put a surrogate in Jesus' place, on the cross. The other version of the story I heard was that Jesus didn't really die on the cross... that he was let down without dying. It disturbs me that the Koran, the holy book of Islam, directly addresses -- or redresses -- the figurehead of my entire belief-system.

God Does Indeed Speak Today, or I'm Lonely!

This is an email that I sent to my pastor about 10 minutes ago:

Hi Pastor ,

I decided not to post this message, because there is a lot of situational info and I wasn't sure how to word it so that it didn't lose its relevancy. But I did want to share it:

Yesterday (that's Sunday... but since I've been working overnights... I think technically today is Tuesday... you get the drift), I went to church (www.lifechurch.tv) and the pastor mentioned that several years ago, he was in a plane from DFW to New York... about 20 minutes outside of Dallas. The pilot came on the speaker and said there were mechanical problems, and that they were going to turn the plane around and go back to DFW, but they were going to prepare for a possible crash landing. For 20 minutes, his life passed before his eyes, and he thought of all of the regrets he had in his life.. things he wished he'd done, didn't do... did differently, etc. When the plane finally landed safely, he made a vow to live in the present, and try to always live God's will, and live without regrets.

What troubled me about the message was twofold: first, that I am flying to California this coming Saturday. Flying makes me nervous, and the last thing I wanted to hear about, ever, was someone's near-disastrous experience. I know that it's much safer than driving... but as an aviation meteorologist... I also know that flying over/landing in Denver will be no picnic as well (don't like the uncontrolled feeling of turbulence -- who does?)... The other thing that troubled me, was living without regrets. How can one live as though today is his last day, and also plan for the future?

This afternoon, I got my hair cut by the woman who I've know probably longest in Oklahoma. Traci is talented, and I drive 20 miles across the city so that I can still see her. It's not just her talent, it's her attitude about life, and the fact that she's a Christian, and that she's my age. Anyways... I told her that I was troubled abou the message in church yesterday. Her reply was "You know Joelle, that even the pilot does not have control over what happens to the plane. You were in church yesterday. You heard it. If it's your time... it's your time." Zing! I know that was God talking to me through her.

(beware the focus changes slightly here)
Oddly, I'm calmed by that statement, even though it still nags at my mind that I'm still thinking about it. I've always made a point not to make ominous comments about my life... The fact that I'm even writing this email bothers me. Someone said that those who are afraid of dying don't really know Jesus. Or is it they I have something to hide? I'm sorry, I'm really tired right now. Maybe they said that those who are afraid of dying are not really living. Whatever the comment, it's rolling around in my mind because I think of all of the things I want to accomplish -- and they are not even things that I wanted selfishly for my life. They are goals I have always felt God gave me to work toward.

So I thought I would feel better if I made a list of my regrets, and then prayed about them and asked God to help me make amends or changes. The first thing on my list was that I couldn't make my marriage work, no matter how hard I tried, how much I prayed, where I searched (in my heart and mind), and no matter how much I changed, on the inside and on the outside.

Since the entirety of that regret is based on what I was doing and unable to accomplish... does that mean I am to apologize and then let it go? Some days I feel like it's going to eat me alive... like there was maybe a rock that I left unturned... and if I could go back in time, perhaps it wouldn't have turned out this way. Then I recall that for the past (at least) 2 years, I have been praying that God show me the way in this situation, make the way something that I will know without question, and make that way unretractable -- something that I couldn't go back on, no matter what.

I guess I just wanted to share my unique experience... and, I'm asking for prayers of guidance, reassurance that I am taking the right course of action in my personal life, confidence that I am still keeping my heart and mind open to God's will... as well as safety for my upcoming trip.

That was a lot to unload, and I'm sorry. You talked about being lonely before. Believe me, I can identify -- the last time I had human contact other than handing the cashier at Taco Bell a $5 bill, was when I hugged my mom and dad at the airport on the 21st of February. So I'm lonely too... For someone who ostensibly has it all together... I sure feel like a mess a lot of the time.

I'm just sure things are going to get better though...

Take Care

Is it the Man? Or, I ate a vegemite sandwich!

Okay, down to nails: my fellow coworker is someone to whom I look up, literally. An Aussie accent is his heritage, while New Zealand, Fiji, and San Francisco are his hermitage. While I wish you could meet the guy, I also want to keep the secret (he's the best-kept one of the company, methinks).

Why, you ask?
Well, because he's down-to-earth and you'd never suspect he's probably the most well-traveled, cultured person you'll ever meet. This guy is completely without pretense. Casually talking about flying from Auckland to Geneva when he was courting his wife... about diving off the coast of Tahiti... joining the local "Bar-Run" club in Sydney (get this... it's a running club where the members jog from bar to bar between rounds of beer -- the ultimate progressive). He has the most grounded sense of the here and now, that I've ever seen. Chatting casually about helping the company privatize a set of national services in Fiji... because he doesn't want to retire here (who would?). But he can also spin a tale about the rock-sitters in Perth, rainy season in Fiji, the best places in California to take your kids camping, and ... the dude is an avid fan of vegemite.

Do you know that of which vegemite consists?
You're so not gonna believe this: it's leftover from the beer-making process. Seriously. I learned that tonight. It looks like it could be chocolate spread. But it's not. Basically the stuff is yeast-byproduct. Like little yeast-monster shit. (Sidebar: apparently beer has virtually no vitamin B, and all of the vitamin B is located in the vegemite. So Aussies love eating vegemite sandwiches after a night of hard drinking... LOL. It makes sense.. that one would crave a vitimin to help them metabolize all of the booze).

How vegemite got it's name:
After WWI, the dude who invented it wanted to invent a yeast-byproduct spread. His mum must've made something like that homemade... because how else would he've had the idear? Anyways, the dude paired up with the Canadian, Kraft, of Kraft cheese, to make the product. The dude's daughter, placed a number of prospective names in a hat, a hat, of all things... and hence, the name vegemite was born.

The proper making and eating technique of the vegemite sandwich:
First, get a nice moist piece of white breat. Wonderbread is prolly the best. Then you can do one of two things... either spread a thin layer of butter or a thin layer of honey (or one of each) on each slice. Finally, spread the thinnest concievable layer of vegemite that you can possibly manage, on each slice. Vegemite is not something which you spread on like peanut butter... no, it's something one might spread on and then scrape off, much like I do to the mayo on my turkey sandwiches (otherwise, it's too tangy).

So, what's it taste like, and do you like it?
To be honest, I couldn't perceive too much of a taste, other than it's salty. And since I love salt, then heck ya! I loved it. Yah, sure, I know what you're thinking... why not just salt a piece of bread and get it over with....? Because, gentle reader... this is a salt spread. It adds body to your Wonderbread. Wunderbar!

On this day in 1988....

I went on the first date with my first boyfriend. I was a mere 15 years old, and the two of us went to see a dinosaur exhibit at the Sloan Museum... with his mother.

He was a senior, and I was a freshman. We met in mechanical drawing class (that was about 5 years before everything started being done on computers).... but I was an architect at heart -- he liked drawing cars and engines and the like. A class full of boys, he staked his claim early and gave me lots of attention... I was always a bit gawky and uncomfortable in my skin until I realized that boys -- all boys, including my teacher -- had an affinity for a flirty red-head. My mom instantly hated him, because he was "all hands" when we got back from our date. We hadn't even kissed yet, and he had his hands all over my shoulders and waist as we watched television. They hated it but didn't make any ground rules... and I didn't know how to handle it: what girl at the age of 15, knows her voice well enough to use it in saying "STOP IT!"?

It should be amply noted that 1) I would never have listened to my mom, and have hated her if she'd told me that I couldn't see this boy, and 2) Even though things were spinning out of control with my first episode of young "love"... I didn't think I wanted anything else. I'm sure we've been over this here before, but the entire victim culture is that you think that is what you want... think you did something to deserve this... this is what you deserve....

On this day in 1989...
I broke up with him. It was the last time he raped me. As noted above, I thought that the relationship was what I wanted, because I wanted attention. I got good attention as well as and bad attention. I needed a best friend ... and I got a monster that took what he wanted from me without considering that I did not want any part of it.

Think about this:
Any 18 year old man who fondles a 15 year old girl is breaking the law. Certainly lots of young girls date older men. I knew a girl in high school whose boyfriend was like 30. (BTW, EJ, I thought that was utterly disgusting when I was 16). However, it's not just being sexual as a teen that disturbs me... it's that this man sexualized me. I was happy holding hands on the first date --- anyone remember the feeling of electricity leaving your fingertips and entering your first love's fingertips? I craved that. Instead, he wanted me to perform on the level of his last (slut) girlfriend, or even worse, her (big fat slut) sister, who I found out later, he was sleeping with the entire time I dated him. I drew a line he was not to cross (first, not more than kissing).... and he pushed and pressed and got me all flustered and confused and stretched the boundaries until I was doing all of these things I never thought I would do with someone I didn't know that well. The first time he raped me, I think it was sometime around December or January...I know I said no... I remember crying... after that, I just became numb.

Again I ask... at the age of 15, do we know ourselves enough to know that we don't want what is happening to us? It's really sick. I was never sure how I found my voice and told him I didn't want to date him anymore. I tried from early February until this day in March... and it took about 6 months after I broke up with him, before I called it what it was: rape.

Tangent Details...
Even more screwed up, he went into the Navy and would send me gifts and call me and when he was on leave, I would take a temporary vacation from whomever I was currently dating... and get all cuddly and cozy with him. Never again did I let him touch me in a way that was uncomfortable for me... I believe the psychological term I'm looking for is revenge -- I made him want me more than life itself.... and I did all kinds of things to make his desire even more poignant. And then I would get what I wanted and leave. Of course, at the tendre ages of 16, 17 and 18, what I wanted was to make out and make sure that he wanted no one on earth as he wanted me. Then I would crush him by telling him all about my latest boyfriends... what fun we were having... etc.

More about that revenge...
It became a way of life for me. One guy I dated afterward, bore the full wrath (albeit, after he held a rifle to my head and ordered me to his bedroom).. after that I got really messed up and ended up ending a relationship badly, with a really good guy. I told him it was because I wanted someone else. The other day I was driving around and it hit me that it most likely crushed the hell out of him for me to tell him I'd found someone new. I feel bad. I had felt bad about this other guy and I was hurting and raw inside.

Hey... if you were ever my Pellegrino and I was ever your Scherezade...
Know that my heart is sad with the pain I caused you. It wasn't your fault. It was that other bastard who fucked me up. I know it's 12 years late... but Pell... I'm really sorry that it hurt us. Not that I think we would have made a suitable couple today... but I'm sorry all of that hurt us. You actually were my best friend before we started dating, and the day I said goodbye to you, was sad indeed. I've only seen you once in 12 years... I think now it's been about 8. And sometimes (like now), I still get a lump in my throat. Truly, I hope that your life is happy now. I've once-again moved on.... but it'll be different this time. I've changed a lot.

Unsettling times...

Flashback to the year I was 22 and had been married for 2 years: watching movies with hub, twin sis and her hub. Middle of the summer and we lived in a very land-locked area. Baking outside and we remained inside in the dark all day. The movie was some Nick Cage flick that was boring and depicted Christmastime.

I recall walking over to my in-laws (who then lived next door to sis-sis), and sitting on their patio for a while. The feeling that was plaguing me has visited me from time to time in my 3 decades. It's like being trapped or depressed or prevented from quenching your deep-down thirst for whatever would quench you, because you don't know what would quench you. For certain, that summer, I'd have loved a lake or a river. I love cool, clear rivers that are partially covered by trees. That feeling? It was angst! Like no one would allow me the capacity to want something different... going with the flow was the only way to go. It's exhausting to march to your own tune. The only other times I've had that feeling was 1) when I as a little girl, was quite ill, and mom wasn't home (don't ya hate it when you're stick and dad is the one who has to take care of you? not the same...), and 2) my wedding day -- all of the decorations were set, and I was in the church alone. I was NOT going to allow myself to not get married. Not after all of that preparation. Plus, I did not want to make decisions based on emotions.

There is this dark cloud hanging over my head. It sucks. I'm depressed and eating everything in sight. Plus, I'm running more than ever. Why can't I lose this damn weight? What happened to all of my smart eating habits? It's not a total wash... but I'm totally embarassed that I've gained 5-10 lbs.! Add to that, I can't seem to get my checkbook balanced... neither can I seem to keep the people and things in mind that I must.... I ain't been sensitive. I'm a wreck. God help me.

Saw an old friend yesterday....

Yeah... it was cool. Had lunch and took him to an interview with my company. Haven't seen him in 2 years, and it was a nice reunion. Brought back a lot of not-great memories, though... regarding my relationship at the time of his leaving... as well as some of the ill things going on at our collective former work when he left.

My former workplace was and still is like so much of a dysfunctional family. And like my own family, I seem to run far away when there are problems.

Don't worry mom, I'm not dating him...

Last week, I went to see Mel Gibson's Passion. It was a good movie (my opinion), however the guy with whom I went (a coworker) thought it was a date -- treated it like a date -- while I did not. Weirdness. Check this: after the movie was over (we were both on nights last week and watched a matinee on our days off), we stood outside the theatre chatting with his son (age 23) and his girlfriend.... my coworker said to me... "Is that really the colour of your eyes, or are you wearing colour contacts?" Um... I whipped off my eye-glasses and said "What do you think?" LOL. ROTFL. ROTLMAO. Mom got a real kick out of it.

Today at church, a complete stranger came up to me and started making small-talk. I guess I should be starting to expect that although I appear as a single woman (took the ol' diamond off, as it symbolized a committment that is dead to me), and available at that... that I don't feel real comfy with all of the extra attention. The guy was a part of the band, and looked the part. So chatting about coffee (they serve Starbucks!) was a little obvious. But it gave me a grin. Guess thankfulness for the attention should be the attitude of choice... it's just so hard to remember that some people really put themselves out there to get your attention -- at this point, I'm standing back, taking it all in, and feeling flattered. [blushing] Boys like me.

[singing] I must take a trip to California, and leave my poor sweetheart alone...
Okay, I'm leaving no one alone. It's the 2nd verse to "How much is that Doggy in the Window"... ain't-cha all enlightened-like now? Yah. 13 days until the big trip. On the list to meet for the first time, is a gentleman who boasts knowing me for 4 years, a former client, and someone who's given me timeless and great advice over that period of time. Next, is the dude who, along with my friend and mentor with whom I will be reaquainted, were responsible for the text and pictures of my favourite textbook of all time.


I hate Radio
It's true. Been downloading my share of 50 free songs tonight, from Emusic (click to get your 50 free too)... and listening to the radio, of all things. I've heard one of the same songs, three damn times since I sat down. Can you imagine the kinds of schmucks who listen to what the radio station wants them to hear, without exploring on their own? 's a shame... a damn cryin' shame.

Take me out to the ball-game....

Went with my bosses to the college game tonight. It was cold. I think my toes are still frozen solid. I need a stiff drink to warm them up.

The Line is Drawn
But I needed the company. My former spouse decided to take the necessary legal action required to claim his firearms from lockup at the Po-po station.

And Quartered
On my break this week, I am going to find out how to file for divorce, and then file for divorce. My time-frame is probably optimistic, but I deserve to believe that it won't be that hard... at least for right now.

I want Chocolate!
I just do. Don't you want co-co-late when you're feeling shitty about life? Hmm.

OMG! or, Taking Back the Night

I just emptied my guts here and the Blog-Monster ATE MY WORDS!
Let me reiterate in short form:
1) I can't sleep
2) it's 80 degrees in my apartment -- can't wait to see what summer is like!
3) I had a weird Matrix-like dream about a friend on whom I used to have a crush. In that dream, everything happened that anyone would ever want. And in that dream lots of bad stuff happened afterward. Weird.
4) I'm taking down some things from public view, that had the potential to make me feel degraded, downplayed, mocked, used, dejected, morally bankrupt. That used to be my way of getting attention. Now, I feel that Taking back the Night is my way of gaining self-esteem. While I do this for me, there is another who I hope to honour with my actions.

That is all... goodnight.

Taking Back the Night...

Not exactly in the traditional sense... but I haven't been able to sleep in days. Reason Number 1 is that sleep is a waste of time, when I could be doing virtually ANYTHING ELSE. 2, it's nearly 80 degrees in my apartment. How will I survive the summer? 3, tonight I had a 1 hour dream about a great friend of mine, upon whom I once had a crush.

In that dream, everything happened that I wanted to happen... and then lots of bad stuff happened because of it. It was kinda a waking dream -- not a lucid dream, because that is when you can control the outcome. It was like I was aware in bed, how I was feeling in my dream. Even though I went to bed at 1, got up for ice cream at 2... I said I slept for only an hour... so it's just past 3, now. Oh oh oh! I know.. the dream felt very matrix-like.

Speaking of the Matrix...
Or of the Trueman Show, or any other movie of that genre.... what should we make of it? In reality, God is the omnipotent, omnipresent... so what's the difference if it's God or some dude with a beer and a cigar pulling the strings? Oh that's right: because God is the one who knows all, sees all, and the one to whom I humbly offer my worship and praise and prayers.

A strong #4 from paragraph number 1...
There have been things in my past of which I am not proud. Namely, a collection of items placed in public view, which were not painting me in the most flattering light. True, there were a lot of times when I felt that was the way to get attention. Now it's time to selvage my self-esteem and make myself whole again. That means not sending false signals to guys I'm not interested in, too. That means not flirting just for the attention.

While there is another I am trying to honour by my "taking back the night"... it was conceived because of my own feelings toward me. Taken advantage of is the best way to describe my feelings. But there are lots of other hurt synonyms that can be entered in as well: Used, shown disrespect, whored-for-a-thrill, as well as mocked socially (and in one instance, professionally), gossipped about, and taken for a fool.

Ending on a happy note
My boss kinda offered to do some of my bidding today. Not in a "muh-ha-ha" sense as much as a "hey, let me do this favor for you." He really impressed me a few weeks ago when he expressed his desire to be a servant leader. Jesus Christ was a servant leader, and very humble. My Daddy is the same way (even played Jesus in the Church Easter Play each year, when he was younger). Anyways, I want to be like that too. While it's a contant struggle to not be "me Me ME!" in the office... he makes it easier to spread my mind and my wings. What a great person to work for! I'd think twice about giving him a kidney if he needed it!

I hate severe weather. Or, Severe Storm Warning for Jim's Pants!

I remember back in the day (my childhood days), I hated thunderstorms. Always terrified of them, at the age of six, I would change my clothes whenever I saw lightning. Why? Because I thought the electricity in lightning was going to look in the windows and find my metal buttons and "get" me much like the alleged "boogey-man". While I never really got over that fear.. I realize that sometimes in life, we have to trust that our surroundings are okay.

Case in point? In just a couple of weeks, I am going to hop on an airplane and go on my favorite vacation ever (at least this far in my life)! How do I know that it's my favourite? Well.. dammit, if you must know... it's because I am not letting my former spouse get in the way of me expanding my horizons, any longer. Plus, I believe in the power of positive thinking. Except that for a living... I forecast airplane turbulence. There are MOUNTAINS between here and California. I'm queasy.

At my former job, who is affectionately know in my life henceforth and forevermore as 'WeatherBarn', there was one of those computer voice deals, that is widely known in the weather industry as "Igor". You might have heard this voice if you have one of those weather radios. Once, someone called up the weather service in White Lake, MI and asked if they would get an American to read the weather. Flustered, the forecaster said it was a computer. "Oh," the lady said "it sounded like a Packastani..." Anyhoo... we usta-could make Igor talk, at the 'Barn.... and our favourite thing for him to say was about our beloved manager, Jim (or in Joey-speak, Jimb): Flash-flood waring for Jim's Pants!