I hated that stupid song by Natalie Imbruglia.....
But lately, that' exactly how I'm feeling. There is so much pain in her voice when she's singing..maybe I just didn't like it because it's depressing to me???

With all of the crap that I dealt with during my marriage... 1) That my husband wasn't happy and it was my fault, 2) That I was a bad wife and that is why he was so cold to me, 3) That some inadquacy on my part was to blame for him not being a responsible spouse, 4) That his ambivilance toward life could be cured by extra motivation on my part... you'd think I could just cut my losses and walk away. But think about it: for a dozen years, I was doing everything in my power to help him. In retrospect, I realize that it was probably not so helpful to him that I was attempting to make his life so good. I enabled him to live in a cloistered little shell while I went off and conquered the world. That's not to say that it's my fault that my marriage fell apart, that I was to blame for the abusiveness that was moving in my direction. Hindsight is 20/20, but perhapsly I didn't have to let it go on... perhapsly I did not need to play the victim.

Last night... he showed up in my dreams
I was walking along and he came out of nowhere and picked me up. Do you think my heart is just mourning for what shoulda been, and isn't? He never picked me up in real life. Not even on our wedding night. There was no lifting me over the threshold... no gallant carrying me to bed... Ever. Not even when I was on crutches for months after my leg surgery a few years back. "Mr. Dorothy" was not a traditional man. When we first met, I thought he was just accepting of an a-traditional relationship. In many ways now, he seems quite lazy rather than accepting.

So now the question is on the table: I know more counseling is in order, and it's on the books. However I fear that I'm making enemies, like I'm letting down those who've helped me to this point, because I miss my spouse. All of the old regrets are at the forefront of my mind. Although there is no disputing what happened.. I can't get out of my head, that once upon a time, we were really in love.

Mad Love
Didja ever see that movie? It came out 2 years after my wedding. And I thought of us from the beginning. It wasn't ever normal. I remember at times we criticised other couples for being boring. Funny the plank in my eye when I was picking the speck out of yers. Reality dictates that things were, what I considered to be relatively normal for probably 80-90% of the time. However that was with me walking on pins and needles, and egg-shells, and broken glass, and hot coals for most of the time... trying to get him not to go off the deep end at me.

To Him:
I'm not gonna call you... do you understand? No emails, no letters, no visits outside of financial records and mail pickups. Don't bother buying me a birthday gift, because I don't want it. There was always a lot of pain in our relationship, and something about the way we were together always made me feel inadequate. In my friendships with other people... I don't feel like I am odd or lacking. My instincts are good and it makes me know that YOU were the mal-adjusted one.

And now you've started showing up in my dreams. That's just great. Why are you there? What am I missing? What did I do to deserve this? Stay the Hell out of my DREAMS! I don't need this grief when I'm trying to move forward with my life. You made me feel like less than a woman. Less than a human. All while telling me how proud you were of me! I don't see how you got me to thinking it was all my fault. I don't believe you ever truly meant to manipulate me... although that's exactly what you did.

Mr. Dorothy, you were no fun to live with. My days and nights were consumed with the balance between your happiness and mine. Why should I feel guilty and bad for feeling the way I do? I know we were married... but it was like you were attemping to be boring, just to ruffle my feathers... But it goes farther than that... you killed my spirit.

After you killed me dead, I felt a spark of life coming from somwhere. I was waking up from what sounded like a nightmare, but was instead real. Coming out from under the shroud, I was torn (see the aforementioned song) between what was conventionally considered "right", and what I knew was true in my own heart. That fluttering beating ragged heart that I mentioned once in a poem... it was growing into a beautiful soul once again. The substandard position that I had willingly assumed in our marriage was no longer acceptable... hell, it should *never* have been acceptable. But I started growing and doing something about it.

Recently I called someone by your name -- and I did more than once. I think it came off as insulting to the person... but actually, I've been calling a lot of people by your name lately. My brain is probably sorry about everything that happened. But I know also that it wasn't my fault, what happened. You were the bad one... not me.

WAMHAS
The other day I was chatting with my mom, and she told me to not let my heart become hardened... that God has picked out someone else to be in my life someday, and that I need to be receptive to it. She is right. There is a guy who is made for me, and someday.. I'll stand in front of God and everyone, and declare it. In my mind's eye, he is charming and funny, motivated and intelligent, patient, kind, and will be a good daddy. I don't care if he has been married in the past, and already has kids... Just as long as he has learned from the past, I'm up to the challenge.

While I'm sure I won't be getting married again for... let's say 3 years... at least.... I can say this for certain: Husband of the future, I want to be mentally well and well adjusted... not just for you, but for me, and our gonna-be babies. I'm hurting right now, but when we finally do meet, and we finally do start a life together, I'll be okay. Until then, I'll work on me every day until I'm perfect for you (do me a favor and make yourself perfect for me to, okay?).

"It's nothing without Love..."
I'm sure you've seen my blog description. It's source is a song by Jewel, called Deep Water.

This morning I again wanted to call my spouse. That need for familiarity. AAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!

I survived a new experience...
Spending the holiday alone, I attempted to phone the soon-to-be-ex. Feeling badly for myself, I ate leftover Chinese. I'm working overnights, see, and I didn't want Christmas Dinner at the Waffle House. Eew.

I refrained from uncorking the Korbel... I want to wait for a more special occasion than me getting drunk at Christmas.. I can use cooking sherry for that! LOL. My birthday is just around the corner, and I'm trying to decide what to do.... hmmm. I think I'm going to surprise my dear twin by showing up on her doorstep. She'll crap a brick! I can't wait.

Oh Yeah! It's the Festivus for the Rest of Us! (thx blogger)

(sing to the tune of "So this is Christmas")
Christmas morning... and where am I at?
At work in Norman... and I'm wearing a hat.
Because it's cold out... and it's cold inside too.
My fingers are numbing... and my lips just turned blue.

You'd think a building full of meteorologists could come up with a comfortable indoor climate. You'd think. But then, you'd be wrong.

I got a package from mum yesterday. Cloud pajamas and Isotoner gloves. Yeah, I know that sounds SO unoriginal. But haven't you ever just peeped out a pair of Isotoner gloves or slippers and thought Gad, that's kewl. I wish I had the guts to spend $14.95 on myself. Because man, I'd spend it on gloves and/or slippers. In actuality, you'd prolly spend $14.95 on two trips to Micky D's and a Coke and a Candybar at the local party store. But I wanted these gifts. Seriously.. I never mentioned it to a soul, because how unoriginal is THAT? I digress. Amongst other gifts received, a pair of gold earrings, and some heartfelt Christmas wishes from women who actually haven't foresaken my womanhood (i.e. they are being supportive, rather than spewing the venom of disapproval. "They" say "God doesn't allow divorce!" I keep taking deep breaths and reminding myself that they haven't walked in my shoes).

So the in-laws are coming to spend the Holiday with the husband at the house. They all wish for me to come over. Like I could really do that? I haven't even been at the house when he was there, after the first week of November. When I am there, it's all I can do to keep from weeping openly. They all want to see me. I don't know if I'll ever want to see them.

My feelings at this juncture are ambivalent: strongly in the way of not caring about my spouse at all, and strongly in favor of being a little softer about it. A good friend ironically moved out on the same day I did. We were talking, and I mentioned that I was jealous because I really couldn't go home again. I don't feel safe there.. I was terrorized there. My friend goes home regularly to a spouse who is not exactly pleasant to be around. And I still find myself jealous that I can't get tired of him in that manner -- that I have to stand up and say what I want in plain words.

I finished my grad-school apps this morning and was so nervous about mailing them. In the past, my spouse would have been there to comfort me, celebrate with me, etc. My instinct was to call him and let him know what I did. But here's the problem": Although he was enthusiastiacally supportive when it came time for new ventures.... he would always be less than supportive, and even sometimes bitter about me making the most of my career. He always wanted a 1950's era housewife. Although he said he wanted me... he never showed that he wanted me. (Called my mom this morning instead.. what a mom! Yay mom!)

Friendship, Fidelity, Love, Loyalty...
Familiar with the Claddagh Story? These are the things I so desperately wanted in my marriage and did not always have. It cannot be a one-sided deal. As always, this is the place where I admit my side of the blame. But only my part. My point is that the Claddagh is a symbol of what I desire for my future. I vow to do my part in reconsiling my mistakes. And I won't take the easy road just because it's shorter; I need to do this right, making certain I am a whole person at the end of this trying time. Someday, I'll fall in love again. And when I do, I want the Claddagh to be a lasting reminder of that which I wanted and did not have.

Good Morning Life
I met with my soon-to-be former spouse yesterday. It was civil and I found myself missing him after we traded some civilities. Remember the good times? Tears stream unrestricted from my eyes. But I wasn't really crying. Remeber the inside jokes? We ate and joked and talked about when things were okay with us. He gave me a Christmas gift. He gave me a Christmas gift.

Tomorrow morning, he is leaving town to spend the holidays with his family. Then his family is accompanying him back here for Christmas morning. They want the two of us to be together for that day. I made no committments, and in fact, I've volunteered to work an extended stretch of hours at work so that I don't have to even think about the Holidays. I'm on overnights right now, through mid-January.

Today at the bookstore, I bought him a couple of books. It seemed only right since he bought me a thoughtful gift. You know, it is really confusing to me how he is so serene, and wants to give me all of the time I need. All of a sudden, he's more understanding. He can function on his own. It's like as soon as he lost me, he could function like a normal human being. So my confusion and sadness are mainly remorse that he was never reasonably well-adjusted when he was with me.

There is some hope still left in him, that we'll reconsile one day. That part of me that always wants to make everyone happy, still wants to give him hope. But it left me so cold when I saw him. I wanted to scream and say "DIDN'T YOU EVER LOVE ME?!?!" And if you did, why are you so cold right now? Why am I the only one with tears streaming down her face?

So there is that thing about a weekend in Dallas...
Yeah, I took off to the Dallas metroplex for the weekend. Last weekend. It's close enough to drive it, and I met with colleague for sight-seeing and real food. See, they don't make real food where I come from. But anyways, I had my photo taken in front of the legendary Grassy Knoll. I shopped. I ate a prime rib the size of a house. Good people, good drink, good fun.
I give...
My dearest darling twin wanted the details, because she's nosy. Guess what sissy? I'm not sharing. But she wouldn't relent. She began to accuse me of everything from shirking my familial duties by not showing up at Christmas, to hinting at infidelity to my estranged spouse. I refused to be aparty to that line of questioning. Simply put, it's disrespectful to me. In the end, (we were chatting online when this occurred) she asked me to please never talk to her again, and that she would return my Christmas gifts unopened!

Take some Vallium, moron
Okay, I work with this guy who is stressing out about working tomorrow. He's like totally stressing about being the man-in-charge for 12 hours. Like get this: I'm working with him and all of the bosses on a quiet Saturday afternoon. And this dude keeps flaunting that he's in the big chair tomorrow. Sighing heavily, walking around all forlorn. Bringing up the damn topic over and over again. You know what? If life is that bad... get a different job, go home, eat some draino... I DON'T CARE!!!!!!!! Just stop tooting your own disgustingly simple, blue-collar, sad-sack HORN!!!

Wow.... what was that???
Oh...erm... I think it was me getting on with my life. See, it's so difficult to ever imagine yourself coming to a screeching halt, jumping the tracks, and riding off into the sunset. Well I'm not in the sunset yet... but I am wearing a sun-hat and spf45 sunblock, well on my way to a glorious sunset.

Winter depresses me. I hate being stuck inside. But with that logic, I should be depressed by the summer, too. And I am. Fall and Spring are more my favorites, as it's possible to not have a day that is too hot, nor too cold, during the two seasons. We're anticipating a huge winter storm today, here in the Nation's midsection.

Talk about talking in Circles...
Ever feel bad for feeling bad about something? Feel even worse when you stop feeling bad about what you were feeling bad about? Let me make it simple: my spouse and I have not conversed since Monday. Last time we saw eachother, it was a week ago Monday. I am going to be out of town this coming Monday. Sure, I've had my moments of weekness... and those are the moments that I call my mom, my sweet friends, or my sister. I continue to fail to see what makes him proclaim his love from the roof-tops, when he hasn't even made an effort to talk some things out.

At the root of the problem is the truth that I no longer can handle being his happiness, his sadness, his right, his wrong. As individuals, we are bound by our humanity, to make life work for us. Some people get this all mixed up and think that they are working for Life. Nope. God has His plans and it's our choice to cooperate or not. Tis an awesome thing when what you wants is what He wants. Seems to some that your life is charmed (my typo was "lie" instead of life.... some people really have a lie instead)

Meet Virginia...or... Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Clause
I'm not proud: Train is my favourite band. But honestly! The lyrics to Meet Virginia seem to encompass what I was going through a few months back "she wants to be the queen, then she thinks about the scene... she wants to live her life and she thinks about her life... pulls her hair back and she screams 'I don't really wanna be the queen. I don't really wanna live this way'."

Perhaps I'm being overly sensitive. Perhaps.
Then again, perhaps I work with chauvenistic a$$es. Not in my personal office mind you... it's actually our client who is 3 hours away. See... there is this hugely expensive video conferencing unit so we can chat back and forth at will. Normally, the supervisor displays a computer screen with the latest weather map or satellite picture on it. Since there is a weather event in the northeast today, we had been conferencing directly with the client, so they could see us walking around the office. Fast-forward to me leaning over the supervisor's desk 3 hours later, with my own a$$ right in the camera. Suffice it to say that I didn't realize it. Heck, it'd been an awful day and my mind was reeling. But the client called my supervisor and I realized what happened. It wouldn't have been so terrible, had they not laughed about it for five minutes while changing the display to the latest weather map. I feel humiliated.

At the same time... I want to laugh and say "so what"? What keeps me from that is realizing that 150 jerks were gathered around the screen making wise remarks about my plaid-clad bootie (yes folks, it was a faux-Burberry day with a tan cashmere and silk sweater). I just hate that it was me, making my 15 minutes of fame by shakin' it on the big screen -- In our office, it's a 52 inch plasma monitor. At the Client's office... it's more like a projection movie-screen deal. :-P

I love sharing joy with my friends.
One thing I miss right now about being in a relationship... is that I never have someone to share my joy with, who I'm going to see tonight. A good friend just called me and I'm so excited about the news shared with me. My first instinct is to tell someone. But I can't rightly tell anyone I work with. And I thought quickly that I'd be able to share with my spouse when I got home... but I don't live at Home anymore. And then I got sad. I hate these mood swings. They'll end... right? But anyway, I *do* love sharing joy with my friends... and my friend really *does* have something to be happy about. I'm happy for 'em.

Wax Lips, do not a romantic evening make...
I wish I'd thought up of that line, but it was the line of "Cousin Larry" from the show Perfect Strangers, circa the late 80s. But anyways...

So the groove from my wedding ring isn't even out of my finger yet, and a couple of thick-sculled neanderthals from the office hit on me. I wondered how I would feel. Like this: It pissed me off. Royally. I mean, talk about wreckless disregard for another human's emotions! "No, I don't care for a drink. No, I don't want to see a movie." Damn, boys... I ain't even done feelin' sorry for myself yet! (not to mention that I haven't even filed papers...)

Domestic Violence does not have to take the form of physical battery...
This is a site detailing some of the statistics, causes and effects of domestic abuse. I understand it's a serious topic, and I am not treating this lightly. Another site has better information about emotional battery.

I am a victim.

Yesterday I didn't cry
That was a first. I thought I'd cry every time I went back to the house. I thought every time I was sad about it, I'd cry. But I am gaining strength from my adversity. .. Well, it's actually from God, but you know what I mean. By the way... have I ever mentioned that I don't believe in political correctness?? I only speak the truth... And I believe in God.

Well excuse me for thinking really deep thoughts
My beloved twin is having a difficult time and I want to make it all better for her. But she is struggling on her own and I am truly proud to see her fighting her way out of this. She inspires me and everyone. And she doesn't really even know it.

The last of my stuff is in my apartment. I ordered my first pizza here, did my first load of laundry, went grocery shopping, paid bills... etc. The world does not stop spinning when you are going through an emotionally charged period. I was just thinking: static cling emotion! Like every dang time you think you're getting on with life, you find this sock attatched to your back. So is healing, then like fabric softener?

Silent all these years
I never shared my misgivings about my marriage with anyone... but it seems a lot of people could still see that. Even my spouse could not see. But I could. For instance, last summer, we went with friends to an art festival. I remember thinking how in love they all were, and why did I feel so bad? Something was not right in Whoville, but I did not know what.

Did I go somewhere for the holiday?
In a word? No. I actually cooked a small turkey that looked more like a chicken (but it was turkey, I swear). And I organized my closet, lined my dresser drawers, and drank beer. You heard me right -- I drank beer. Ten people called and asked if I would join them for "leftovers" or for "dessert"... but I felt more like they wanted to ease their minds and consciences of having someone alone, wallowing (say wallering) in sadness on their watch. Can I blame these heartful people for caring? Heck no. But I simply had no mind for football games, mindless chattering about turkey-cooking techniques, and most especially, about so-and-so's recent fishing trip.

What I wanted, was to go with my spouse to his brother's place for dinner. One of the reasons I tried to hold out until after the holidays (I mean, why I tried to not leave), was that I wanted desperately to see my sister-in-law. She is an amazing woman who I could only hope to be like, one day. Smart and self-assured and an awesome cook, she always has an opinion and she changes it not-often.

Speaking of not changing one's mind or yielding one's opinions...
I saw a t-shirt that I simply must own. It has a sentiment that I have always felt, but in this day and age, and in my social setting, it is sometimes considered un-PC. Newsflash! I HATE PC! So anyways... the t-shirt said "Equal Rights for Pre-Born People". It was on a total liberal, ragging about abortion.

Here's my unique angle on abortion: Since for 10 years I was trying to have kids, and I haven't yet... then every single life is precious to me. I want a baby. "Fine timing Lucille", you say. Yah, shure, you betcha. But that doesn't change my Plans for the Future.

Christian Morals, loosely defined

So I'm dropping by the old homestead yesterday to get the last of my personal effects, possessions and a table for my diningroom. A coworker (I'm lucky in that i work with a bunch of big, strong, helpful, dumb men) offered to assist in wrestling around the furniture... That was Sunday....

By early Monday, he had prayerfully considered my situation, and although he still agreed that I needed to get out of my home and start the healing process... his christian morals (I'm not using a capital there, because I don't believe his morals are very Christain) would not allow for him to help a married woman move out of her house and into an apartment... He said "I'll help you with anything else... but I just can't help you move out." So what the heck??? (I have a potty-mouth, so you know what I really wanted to say {wink}) He first offered, and then recinded help, all in a 24-hour period. What a headache.

On the bright side... My boss just bought a half-million dollar house. (Here, that's big, kids). The last person in the world who I wanted to see my homestead was him. But he helped without question, and in the end, it was a very productive mission. Plus, I got to have my ego and pride shot to hell-in-a-handbasket. Yay.

I'm going out of town in a few days for job training. My mom said to get out there and kick my heels up. MOM, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GIVING ME PERMISSION TO DO???? I think I'll meet some close friends instead, and try to nurse my heartache.

Finally, I got sleep. And finally I ate. Getting back to normal has never been so depressing.

Why I should not trust my self diagnosis using "pop" psychology:

Music is important to me. Lyrics too. I love to sing (and sing very well, thank you!) but gave it up in the public domain a long time ago, because of a very visible disaster with my sibling, at church. But I sing to the ones I hold dear to my heart; my mom and until lately my spouse. There are a few friends I sing for, too.

Sad songs get right to the guts of my feelings. Oddly, they do not depress me but instead lift my spirits because someone in the universe has been here before... My new favorite song for this period in my life is called "Lincoln Avenue", by Train on their new Private Nation CD . BTW, Train is my fav-o-rite band. Anyways, find the Lyrics
here.

Last Sunday we went to the movies and listened to that CD on the way home. Even though I've owned it since June, we weren't sad then ... not in this place in our lives, so it didn't have the knee-bringing-to effect that it did a week ago. I think it was after listening to the CD that I started to lean off of the fence -- the fence of "will I stay or go". It's frightening to think that music is that powerful in my life. Emotions are magnified through music that suits my mood.

....A word about why I left...
Obviously it doesn't have anything to do with the music or my feelings regarding it. Have you ever experienced something that wasn't quite right, that you didn't really understand, but you could never put your finger on it? And after a long period of time, you suddenly gain an instant of perfect clarity, and you are never the same again? Sometimes it can be experienced in academics... like insight in solving an algebra equation. Other times, like mine, it's all about people. You feel like you are waiting for the tide to turn for about 3 years, and then when it does, you say "yeah.. I shoulda seen that coming." You know what? I did see that coming.

Now admitting to myself that it was happening is rather foreign. Who would ever admit that their marriage is over? There are no role-models for calling it quits! Can you imagine books and magazines dedicated to "What to wear when you know it's over" and "How to plan a memorable divorce dinner". There could be chocolates wrapped in tiny print-outs of your stock portfolia or divorce decree, which you would pass to family and friends. Oh, I know.. a show on Oprah "She left, and you can too!"

Everyone has that imaginary line in the sand. Sometimes it's crossed over in secret, in the middle of the night, and when the crossing is discovered, all of a sudden it's just over. Sometimes your spouse gets nearer and nearer the line, and tippy-toes across it over the course of months or years or even decades. In my case, we were both kinda eyeing it and advancing and retreating. Some time ago I just stood in front of that imaginary line and found he was standing there too. Nose to nose, we eyed eachother and poked eachother in the chest and huffed and puffed and he backed away... far away. I stood still, contemplating my next move, when he came back... running like a freight train on greased rails. Completely friggin' bowled me over. Yes, I mean to intimate that this feels a lot like a train wreck.

So I am almost finished moving...
Probably I'll finish today or tomorrow. I hate this. My feelings do not run like a faucet, and there is nothing to stop them. My sister-in-law told me that it is like putting a band-aid over open heart surgery. Um-hmm.

Moved more stuff today. It's weird how things come right down to whether or not you take the good mixing bowls or the crappy ones.... I'm the one leaving ... does that entitle me to the collection of spices in the cabinet? The wine? Oh wait... he doesn't drink wine! What about the food in the pantry? The fridge magnets? (and do I really want to move my MagPo again???)

Still no sleep today, but I finally ate a full meal -- my favorite Chinese place is now right across the street, rather than 40 miles from home (I typo'd "him. Yes, Him).

I just have the damnest time believing that it was really me who left! It wasn't like I knew that is what I wanted. I made a stand and said what I wanted and he forced my hand. NO! He didn't force me to do anything. I simply couldn't abide with the consequences of living with him any longer.

For the first time in my life, I am living alone. For the first time in my life, I actually took a stand and did not back down from my true convictions.

God blessed my little pointy skull. :) Thanks God!

I haven't slept in a million years and I haven't eaten since 6 o'clock last night. Four a.m. sucks no matter if you wake up then, the party is just getting good, or if you are on the long side of a 10 hour overnight shift.

My personal life is in shambles, but I have more hope than ever, for the future. I am certain of what I have to offer. I am certain that I will be alright. You wonder why the ambivalence? Because I don't really trust myself after all of this time.

What happened? I fell in love. I got married two years later. Even then, I was only 20. Now I'm 30 and for the past three years I've been trying to convince myself that this hasn't all been a big mistake.

Today I will take a second load of boxes to my new apartment. My friend is bringing some furniture this morning as soon as I leave the office. The apartment manager said about me yesterday after I told her I was leaving home "I know the look... a lot of us have been there before."

Then please tell me why I feel so alone?