Why I should not trust my self diagnosis using "pop" psychology:

Music is important to me. Lyrics too. I love to sing (and sing very well, thank you!) but gave it up in the public domain a long time ago, because of a very visible disaster with my sibling, at church. But I sing to the ones I hold dear to my heart; my mom and until lately my spouse. There are a few friends I sing for, too.

Sad songs get right to the guts of my feelings. Oddly, they do not depress me but instead lift my spirits because someone in the universe has been here before... My new favorite song for this period in my life is called "Lincoln Avenue", by Train on their new Private Nation CD . BTW, Train is my fav-o-rite band. Anyways, find the Lyrics
here.

Last Sunday we went to the movies and listened to that CD on the way home. Even though I've owned it since June, we weren't sad then ... not in this place in our lives, so it didn't have the knee-bringing-to effect that it did a week ago. I think it was after listening to the CD that I started to lean off of the fence -- the fence of "will I stay or go". It's frightening to think that music is that powerful in my life. Emotions are magnified through music that suits my mood.

....A word about why I left...
Obviously it doesn't have anything to do with the music or my feelings regarding it. Have you ever experienced something that wasn't quite right, that you didn't really understand, but you could never put your finger on it? And after a long period of time, you suddenly gain an instant of perfect clarity, and you are never the same again? Sometimes it can be experienced in academics... like insight in solving an algebra equation. Other times, like mine, it's all about people. You feel like you are waiting for the tide to turn for about 3 years, and then when it does, you say "yeah.. I shoulda seen that coming." You know what? I did see that coming.

Now admitting to myself that it was happening is rather foreign. Who would ever admit that their marriage is over? There are no role-models for calling it quits! Can you imagine books and magazines dedicated to "What to wear when you know it's over" and "How to plan a memorable divorce dinner". There could be chocolates wrapped in tiny print-outs of your stock portfolia or divorce decree, which you would pass to family and friends. Oh, I know.. a show on Oprah "She left, and you can too!"

Everyone has that imaginary line in the sand. Sometimes it's crossed over in secret, in the middle of the night, and when the crossing is discovered, all of a sudden it's just over. Sometimes your spouse gets nearer and nearer the line, and tippy-toes across it over the course of months or years or even decades. In my case, we were both kinda eyeing it and advancing and retreating. Some time ago I just stood in front of that imaginary line and found he was standing there too. Nose to nose, we eyed eachother and poked eachother in the chest and huffed and puffed and he backed away... far away. I stood still, contemplating my next move, when he came back... running like a freight train on greased rails. Completely friggin' bowled me over. Yes, I mean to intimate that this feels a lot like a train wreck.

So I am almost finished moving...
Probably I'll finish today or tomorrow. I hate this. My feelings do not run like a faucet, and there is nothing to stop them. My sister-in-law told me that it is like putting a band-aid over open heart surgery. Um-hmm.