Oh Yeah! It's the Festivus for the Rest of Us! (thx blogger)

(sing to the tune of "So this is Christmas")
Christmas morning... and where am I at?
At work in Norman... and I'm wearing a hat.
Because it's cold out... and it's cold inside too.
My fingers are numbing... and my lips just turned blue.

You'd think a building full of meteorologists could come up with a comfortable indoor climate. You'd think. But then, you'd be wrong.

I got a package from mum yesterday. Cloud pajamas and Isotoner gloves. Yeah, I know that sounds SO unoriginal. But haven't you ever just peeped out a pair of Isotoner gloves or slippers and thought Gad, that's kewl. I wish I had the guts to spend $14.95 on myself. Because man, I'd spend it on gloves and/or slippers. In actuality, you'd prolly spend $14.95 on two trips to Micky D's and a Coke and a Candybar at the local party store. But I wanted these gifts. Seriously.. I never mentioned it to a soul, because how unoriginal is THAT? I digress. Amongst other gifts received, a pair of gold earrings, and some heartfelt Christmas wishes from women who actually haven't foresaken my womanhood (i.e. they are being supportive, rather than spewing the venom of disapproval. "They" say "God doesn't allow divorce!" I keep taking deep breaths and reminding myself that they haven't walked in my shoes).

So the in-laws are coming to spend the Holiday with the husband at the house. They all wish for me to come over. Like I could really do that? I haven't even been at the house when he was there, after the first week of November. When I am there, it's all I can do to keep from weeping openly. They all want to see me. I don't know if I'll ever want to see them.

My feelings at this juncture are ambivalent: strongly in the way of not caring about my spouse at all, and strongly in favor of being a little softer about it. A good friend ironically moved out on the same day I did. We were talking, and I mentioned that I was jealous because I really couldn't go home again. I don't feel safe there.. I was terrorized there. My friend goes home regularly to a spouse who is not exactly pleasant to be around. And I still find myself jealous that I can't get tired of him in that manner -- that I have to stand up and say what I want in plain words.

I finished my grad-school apps this morning and was so nervous about mailing them. In the past, my spouse would have been there to comfort me, celebrate with me, etc. My instinct was to call him and let him know what I did. But here's the problem": Although he was enthusiastiacally supportive when it came time for new ventures.... he would always be less than supportive, and even sometimes bitter about me making the most of my career. He always wanted a 1950's era housewife. Although he said he wanted me... he never showed that he wanted me. (Called my mom this morning instead.. what a mom! Yay mom!)

Friendship, Fidelity, Love, Loyalty...
Familiar with the Claddagh Story? These are the things I so desperately wanted in my marriage and did not always have. It cannot be a one-sided deal. As always, this is the place where I admit my side of the blame. But only my part. My point is that the Claddagh is a symbol of what I desire for my future. I vow to do my part in reconsiling my mistakes. And I won't take the easy road just because it's shorter; I need to do this right, making certain I am a whole person at the end of this trying time. Someday, I'll fall in love again. And when I do, I want the Claddagh to be a lasting reminder of that which I wanted and did not have.