Untitled, for CcC

Since the very beginning of my sentient life, I've had a purpose. God gave it to me, and He has steered me from one place to another throughout life.

That is why I am so mystified about this current situation. This desire in my life to work hard and advance my career.... and even more the desire to find a mate and make a family and lovely and meaningful life together. Why does it drive me? What does it drive me to?

Someone swept me off my feet on Friday. I thought he was The One. We meshed. Clicked, swooned, fell -- hard and fast. He took me to coffee, to dinner, then walking through a rose garden. We laughed, we looked at the sky, smelled the magnolias and walked barefoot through the grass. It made me feel giddy, how much I trusted him.

We danced barefoot in the grass, in the gathering dusk, while I hummed Frank Sinatra's "Fly Me to the Moon".... He held my hand as we walked... then his arm around my shoulder... my waist. Spun me around and looked deep into my eyes. This man said over and over how I looked into his soul. He would laugh spontaneously because it was so bizarre to him.

Oddly lightening the mood... he said "Tag" and kissed my cheek, danced me around in a circle and covered my cheeks. We swung our hands as we walked to a weird objet de' art display across the street. Leaning against a wall, he held me in his arms. Never in his life, he said, had he smiled so much. Most of his days were spent with worry, sadness, fatigue and angst, and Dorothy breathed life into him.

His long hours kept us from talking on Saturday (so I thought), and we emailed a lot about our pasts and baggage. Yesterday was a lengthy phone conversation where my mind was racing into a place where a potential relationship was developing. I was falling, fast and hard. He accepted my faults, he talked about his children -- about how I would notice certain virtues about each of them.

Tired tongues and exhausted minds, we were starting our goodbyes. Then he said there was something he was going to tell me the next day, that was a pretty big gap in what he'd told me. Sigh. Okay... shoot.

He is engaged to a woman that he met online, then went to visit in Russia. This woman is practically my twin (not Jayleigh, but a Soviet Sophisticate) in appearance, background and education. She has a hellion-spawn, apparently. And two more degrees than me. And doesn't speak English. And is not here.

And I'm here. And I wanted to take it slow. And I wanted to discover who this man was... not be completely dependent on him. And I trusted him with my heart and it turned out that I also give him the power to squish it between his strong hands... which he did. No, he didn't want to. In fact, I don't think he knows what he wants. All of these choices he made were a mere reaction to the devastation that one feels when they go through a tremendous loss such as a divorce.

Looking back at my own history, I see that I cleaved to M.W. and he to me, because it felt like we were drowning. This guy said the same thing to me last night. He thought he was drowning and didn't know what to do. Now he's made this commitment and thinks he knows what to do... But he is confused.

This was supposed to be a dissertation about what God wants for my life. So here's the question: Why did He have to bring this "Mr. Perfect", this Choo-choo Charlie into my life? What purpose did it serve, except to make me lose faith in the Grand Design?

If he and I had met months ago, we might be together today. Timing stinks, and losing the potential for something so perfect and so right just breaks my little heart. But it is so wrong.

The perfection of the first 48 hours of this thing is poisoned. And that is only because Charlie is dating me when he should be examining the feelings he has for his fiance'. A dark cloud has come over me today, but beyond the ugly feelings I am having... My concern is for him, and that he doesn't make a catastrophic mistake.

How many people do you know who spent a few weeks with someone 9 months ago, offered to marry her, and then is expecting to meet with her again in a couple of months, as though nothing has changed? Sounds like lunacy to me.

But that's just me.

Perhaps God's idea is that I not trust my feelings. Not look for love. Look for the practical. Look for the one to build my life with and not necessarily one who I find exciting... just compatable. But.... but I can't stop believing that there is someone out there like Charlie, for me.

Peace out.

Dorothy.