Running with the wind

After speaking with MW, he wants to send my momma here for her birthday -- slash -- mother's day. So sweet. So caring, loving, and darling.

He's going to be here this coming weekend, in order to run a 5K with me in the City. It will be good to be together....

I'm an intense person.
Never offered to be boring. Never said it would be an easy ride. Yet I've stressed my sweetie, just by being me. My insecurities, my sadness, his fear of "making a mistake" with me. I fear wasting time if he is ultimately going to decide to drop me -- especially if this goes on for another year.

He told me today, about his friend who acted as a sounding board for him as he was going through his divorce. She's getting remarried and is going to commute to see her husband every weekend -- for the next two years! While I think she's crazy, I also think that it's okay to get married first, and relocate second. I told MW that I was jealous of her.

Passionate girls have passionate relationships.
Am I to blame? Could this "mad love" thing that I experienced with my ex, be my fault? He was completely scared of me shortly after we were married. He would go off and not come back for a day or two, spending all of our money. Wouldn't you yell too? So, being the hot-tempered red-head that I am... I'd scream at him. He cowered in the corner. I would walk out, and then he would chase me in his car. It was scary. And that was all just the first year we were married.

Oh, I'm not proud of that. But I think that's what happens when the power in a relationship is not in balance. While MW thinks that he doesn't hold all of the cards in our relationship, I feel that he does. And hence, I feel like any little thing that I do, is going to make him break up with me. No one needs to live in fear like that. Whenever we disagree, he says it sounds like I am getting ready to break up with him.

I can't stand the pressure
Can't be something or someone that I'm not. I'm exciting and vivacious, and have little tolerance for pressure from others. This tug-o-war with my heart is starting to break it. It's really a push-o-war, with him pushing me away, and me pushing closer.

Sometimes it feels like I want to make it explode
Like I'm just waiting for the end, quaking in this void, waiting for the inevitable. Not sure how much longer until my heart breaks. The timing is terrible, and he says that it will eventually work out. But I'm starting to not believe him... not like I used to, anyways.

Mixed messages
He used to say the he wanted me to be his wife. As soon as I said "Yes, I'd like that"... he stopped saying it. Momma says that it's a red flag, and I should run fast and far. My instinct is to do just that, but the ol' heart wants to stick around.

He used to say that he wanted to have babies with me. In fact, he made me believe that I would be a good parent. Now he typically avoids talking about having a family. When we do talk about it... it's more of a "figurative" sense. He is afraid of me being irresponsible or going crazy. That ain't cool.

Ya know, if he had a little talk with my mom, she would tell him what I'm really like -- honest, true, full of love. That's all you need to have a good life and a good family.

It really hurts
Even so, I still believe that he will come around. He doesn't know that I have given up hope for Groundhog's Day 2006. And that just breaks my heart, because it would be so special. He thinks that I'm desperate for him, and dependant. He should feel honored to be loved. Not like Sally could (or would) love him like that.

But who's comparing?