Till there was you, by the Beatles
There were bells on a hill
But I never heard them ringing
No I never heard them at all
Till there was you
There were birds in the sky
But I never saw them winging
No I never saw them at all
Till there was you
Then there was music and wonderful roses
They tell me in sweet fragrant meadows of dawn and dew
There was love all around
But I never heard it singing
No I never heard it at all
Till there was you
Then there was music and wonderful roses
They tell me in sweet fragrant meadows of dawn and dew
There was love all around
But I never heard it singing
No I never heard it at all
Till there was you
Till there was you
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
To M.W., my snuggly-wuggly sweetie-pie
Saturday, April 23, 2005
This is how "Not-bitchy" I am:
My ex. He's as interesting as a sack of gravel... and just about as smart. He's getting married soon, and I care not about the details. However, it's important to note that I am not going to foot the bill for some homely girl and her kids to surf the internet.
So maybe I'm a little bit biased...
But I worked so damn hard to remodel that house. Out of work for a couple of months back in 2003, I went through seven gallons of primer and paint -- just in the livingroom! 9 rooms remodeled and painted, total. And someone else is enjoying the fruits of my labor.
But here's the thing... he never changed the electricity out of my name. He also did not change his loan out of my name. Nor did he get his own internet access. So I gave him a month's notice, and then I'm going to cancel all of those services.
It might also be worth noting that my car loan was in his name (since I was not working when we bought the thing)... so I could be cutting off my nose to spite my face here. But think of it this way: I have the title of the car in my name. He can't take it from me as long as I'm paying for it.
And I can have his electricity shut off the night he returns from his (ugh!) honeymoon.
(evil grin)
So maybe I'm a little bit biased...
But I worked so damn hard to remodel that house. Out of work for a couple of months back in 2003, I went through seven gallons of primer and paint -- just in the livingroom! 9 rooms remodeled and painted, total. And someone else is enjoying the fruits of my labor.
But here's the thing... he never changed the electricity out of my name. He also did not change his loan out of my name. Nor did he get his own internet access. So I gave him a month's notice, and then I'm going to cancel all of those services.
It might also be worth noting that my car loan was in his name (since I was not working when we bought the thing)... so I could be cutting off my nose to spite my face here. But think of it this way: I have the title of the car in my name. He can't take it from me as long as I'm paying for it.
And I can have his electricity shut off the night he returns from his (ugh!) honeymoon.
(evil grin)
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Eye of the Tiger....
You know it... I've wanted to be a weather-girlie since I was in the fourth grade. Mister K's class. He was so cool. He let us listen to his old records. This was my favourite one, along with Glenn Campbell's Rhinestone Cowboy. I'm inspired.
Eye Of The TigerSurvivor
Risin' up, back on the street
Did my time, took my chances
Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet
Just a man and his will to survive
So many times, it happens too fast
You trade your passion for glory
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive I
t's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight
Risin' up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
And he's watchin' us all with the eye of the tiger
Face to face, out in the heat
Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry
They stack the odds, till we take to the street
For the kill with the skill to survive
It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight
Risin' up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
And he's watchin' us all with the eye of the tiger
Risin' up, straight to the top
Had the guts, got the glory
Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop
Just a man and his will to survive
It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight
Risin' up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
And he's watchin' us all with the eye of the tiger
The eye of the tiger
The eye of the tiger
The eye of the tiger
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Limp
Ol' Fiona's really got a way with words. I think this song used to be my motto for most of the time which I was growing up. It's not true anymore, but it still kicks me in the butt:
FIONA APPLE LYRICS
LimpWords and Music: Fiona Apple
You wanna make me sick;
You wanna lick my wounds,Don't you, baby?
You want the badge of honour when you save my hide
But you're the one in the way
Of the day of doom, baby
If you need my shame to reclaim your pride
And when I think of it, my fingers turn to fists
I never did anything to you, man
But no matter what I try
You'll beat me with your bitter lies
So call me crazy, hold me down
Make me cry; get off now, baby-
It won't be long till you'll be
Lying limp in your own hand
You feed the beast I have within me
You wave the red flag, baby you make it run run run
Standing on the sidelines, waving and grinning
You fondle my trigger, then you blame my gun
And when I think of it, my fingers turn to fists
I never did anything to you, man
But no matter what I try
You'll beat me with your bitter lies
So call me crazy, hold me down
Make me cry; get off now, baby-
It won't be long till you'll beLying limp in your own hand
Monday, April 18, 2005
Cut...
So I was driving home this afternoon, and chatting with MW. It occured to me that I'm a fool getting all upset about whether he wants to be with me... If or why he hedges instead of opening up... and all of that. The point is, he's my soulmate, and I love him.
Cut
Sometimes it sucks because there is so much passion and the smallest words can cut my heart. Why oh why do I take everything literally? Honestly, it would be more profitable in life and in love, if I could be numb.
Keeping my poop in a group
I've never had to work as hard at school and at my life, as I am right now. Everything is hanging together by a thread. It's almost like when you're playing chess, and you know you're loosing... for a slight moment, there is an instinct to swipe the board with your arm, clearing all of the pieces.
Changes are for the better
As a young girl, my skin was notoriously thin. Everything made me cry, and "overreaction" was my middle name. Dorothy "Overreaction" Weathergirl was an odd little child. Never wanting to grow up, she went through an incredibly selfish period in her life.
That was followed by intense self-loathing, because she was already used to everyone telling her that her ideas were crap. She looked like crap. And as always.. had very few friends. Now? Aw, she's just trying to find her way in the world... Little guidance, but a big need for it.
It's all gonna be alright. It has to be. Right? Right?
Yeah... I hear ya.
Cut
Sometimes it sucks because there is so much passion and the smallest words can cut my heart. Why oh why do I take everything literally? Honestly, it would be more profitable in life and in love, if I could be numb.
Keeping my poop in a group
I've never had to work as hard at school and at my life, as I am right now. Everything is hanging together by a thread. It's almost like when you're playing chess, and you know you're loosing... for a slight moment, there is an instinct to swipe the board with your arm, clearing all of the pieces.
Changes are for the better
As a young girl, my skin was notoriously thin. Everything made me cry, and "overreaction" was my middle name. Dorothy "Overreaction" Weathergirl was an odd little child. Never wanting to grow up, she went through an incredibly selfish period in her life.
That was followed by intense self-loathing, because she was already used to everyone telling her that her ideas were crap. She looked like crap. And as always.. had very few friends. Now? Aw, she's just trying to find her way in the world... Little guidance, but a big need for it.
It's all gonna be alright. It has to be. Right? Right?
Yeah... I hear ya.
Sunday, April 17, 2005
Running with the wind
After speaking with MW, he wants to send my momma here for her birthday -- slash -- mother's day. So sweet. So caring, loving, and darling.
He's going to be here this coming weekend, in order to run a 5K with me in the City. It will be good to be together....
I'm an intense person.
Never offered to be boring. Never said it would be an easy ride. Yet I've stressed my sweetie, just by being me. My insecurities, my sadness, his fear of "making a mistake" with me. I fear wasting time if he is ultimately going to decide to drop me -- especially if this goes on for another year.
He told me today, about his friend who acted as a sounding board for him as he was going through his divorce. She's getting remarried and is going to commute to see her husband every weekend -- for the next two years! While I think she's crazy, I also think that it's okay to get married first, and relocate second. I told MW that I was jealous of her.
Passionate girls have passionate relationships.
Am I to blame? Could this "mad love" thing that I experienced with my ex, be my fault? He was completely scared of me shortly after we were married. He would go off and not come back for a day or two, spending all of our money. Wouldn't you yell too? So, being the hot-tempered red-head that I am... I'd scream at him. He cowered in the corner. I would walk out, and then he would chase me in his car. It was scary. And that was all just the first year we were married.
Oh, I'm not proud of that. But I think that's what happens when the power in a relationship is not in balance. While MW thinks that he doesn't hold all of the cards in our relationship, I feel that he does. And hence, I feel like any little thing that I do, is going to make him break up with me. No one needs to live in fear like that. Whenever we disagree, he says it sounds like I am getting ready to break up with him.
I can't stand the pressure
Can't be something or someone that I'm not. I'm exciting and vivacious, and have little tolerance for pressure from others. This tug-o-war with my heart is starting to break it. It's really a push-o-war, with him pushing me away, and me pushing closer.
Sometimes it feels like I want to make it explode
Like I'm just waiting for the end, quaking in this void, waiting for the inevitable. Not sure how much longer until my heart breaks. The timing is terrible, and he says that it will eventually work out. But I'm starting to not believe him... not like I used to, anyways.
Mixed messages
He used to say the he wanted me to be his wife. As soon as I said "Yes, I'd like that"... he stopped saying it. Momma says that it's a red flag, and I should run fast and far. My instinct is to do just that, but the ol' heart wants to stick around.
He used to say that he wanted to have babies with me. In fact, he made me believe that I would be a good parent. Now he typically avoids talking about having a family. When we do talk about it... it's more of a "figurative" sense. He is afraid of me being irresponsible or going crazy. That ain't cool.
Ya know, if he had a little talk with my mom, she would tell him what I'm really like -- honest, true, full of love. That's all you need to have a good life and a good family.
It really hurts
Even so, I still believe that he will come around. He doesn't know that I have given up hope for Groundhog's Day 2006. And that just breaks my heart, because it would be so special. He thinks that I'm desperate for him, and dependant. He should feel honored to be loved. Not like Sally could (or would) love him like that.
But who's comparing?
He's going to be here this coming weekend, in order to run a 5K with me in the City. It will be good to be together....
I'm an intense person.
Never offered to be boring. Never said it would be an easy ride. Yet I've stressed my sweetie, just by being me. My insecurities, my sadness, his fear of "making a mistake" with me. I fear wasting time if he is ultimately going to decide to drop me -- especially if this goes on for another year.
He told me today, about his friend who acted as a sounding board for him as he was going through his divorce. She's getting remarried and is going to commute to see her husband every weekend -- for the next two years! While I think she's crazy, I also think that it's okay to get married first, and relocate second. I told MW that I was jealous of her.
Passionate girls have passionate relationships.
Am I to blame? Could this "mad love" thing that I experienced with my ex, be my fault? He was completely scared of me shortly after we were married. He would go off and not come back for a day or two, spending all of our money. Wouldn't you yell too? So, being the hot-tempered red-head that I am... I'd scream at him. He cowered in the corner. I would walk out, and then he would chase me in his car. It was scary. And that was all just the first year we were married.
Oh, I'm not proud of that. But I think that's what happens when the power in a relationship is not in balance. While MW thinks that he doesn't hold all of the cards in our relationship, I feel that he does. And hence, I feel like any little thing that I do, is going to make him break up with me. No one needs to live in fear like that. Whenever we disagree, he says it sounds like I am getting ready to break up with him.
I can't stand the pressure
Can't be something or someone that I'm not. I'm exciting and vivacious, and have little tolerance for pressure from others. This tug-o-war with my heart is starting to break it. It's really a push-o-war, with him pushing me away, and me pushing closer.
Sometimes it feels like I want to make it explode
Like I'm just waiting for the end, quaking in this void, waiting for the inevitable. Not sure how much longer until my heart breaks. The timing is terrible, and he says that it will eventually work out. But I'm starting to not believe him... not like I used to, anyways.
Mixed messages
He used to say the he wanted me to be his wife. As soon as I said "Yes, I'd like that"... he stopped saying it. Momma says that it's a red flag, and I should run fast and far. My instinct is to do just that, but the ol' heart wants to stick around.
He used to say that he wanted to have babies with me. In fact, he made me believe that I would be a good parent. Now he typically avoids talking about having a family. When we do talk about it... it's more of a "figurative" sense. He is afraid of me being irresponsible or going crazy. That ain't cool.
Ya know, if he had a little talk with my mom, she would tell him what I'm really like -- honest, true, full of love. That's all you need to have a good life and a good family.
It really hurts
Even so, I still believe that he will come around. He doesn't know that I have given up hope for Groundhog's Day 2006. And that just breaks my heart, because it would be so special. He thinks that I'm desperate for him, and dependant. He should feel honored to be loved. Not like Sally could (or would) love him like that.
But who's comparing?
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Being alone...
It was always scary to me. Now I am getting past being afraid of it, and kind of relishing that no one tells me what to do or where to go, or expects me to wash their socks. Oh... no... not that I minded washing socks. Just that the person to whom said socks belonged was a nightmarish sort. At the end of the day, I enjoyed being a wife.
Aaah-sooooo
Today I was offered an opportunity to relocate to, and live in Japan, permanently. In thinking it over, my thoughts went from "shuh" to "hmmm" to "ya know? I could do this" and back to "shuh" again, within 10 minutes. The point being, I wasn't afraid to ask questions and see if it would really be something that I could do. Almost everyone said "don't do it", except for Mister Wonderful.
"This is the story of a girl...
...who cried a river and drowned the whole world. Yeah she looked so good in photographs and I absolutely love her... when she smiles"
Tis that time again
Time for scheduling for classes. That begins this Thursday next. Today I was admonished by mother hen, to get my classes tentatively scheduled through graduation.
Me:"Hello? Um, yeah... I do not want to finish college here in the middle of nowhere...."
Hen:"Oh? Well you'd better get it in anyways 'just in case'."
Me: "Ummm. Okay."
Me:"Hi M.W., I'm worried because I have to turn in my class schedule, but I don't want to do that if I am not going to be here by next fall. My plan is to move out to the Land of Milk and Honey, with you.'
M.W.:"Hmm. You might have to stay there and go to school. Things are looking that way."
Me:"Nooooo! I want to be there with you! I want to try to be there!"
M.W.:"We can't try. All we can do is cross our fingers and toes and hope for the best."
Me: "K, bye."
It occurs to me that I keep hoping for a white knight on a trusty steed to allow me to live my future. Ha. But I don't need that. My heart broke enough in the past couple of years to know that no one needs save myself but me. No one will steer my future but me. And I'm steerin' baby.
Oh yes, I'm a-steerin'
Aaah-sooooo
Today I was offered an opportunity to relocate to, and live in Japan, permanently. In thinking it over, my thoughts went from "shuh" to "hmmm" to "ya know? I could do this" and back to "shuh" again, within 10 minutes. The point being, I wasn't afraid to ask questions and see if it would really be something that I could do. Almost everyone said "don't do it", except for Mister Wonderful.
"This is the story of a girl...
...who cried a river and drowned the whole world. Yeah she looked so good in photographs and I absolutely love her... when she smiles"
Tis that time again
Time for scheduling for classes. That begins this Thursday next. Today I was admonished by mother hen, to get my classes tentatively scheduled through graduation.
Me:"Hello? Um, yeah... I do not want to finish college here in the middle of nowhere...."
Hen:"Oh? Well you'd better get it in anyways 'just in case'."
Me: "Ummm. Okay."
Me:"Hi M.W., I'm worried because I have to turn in my class schedule, but I don't want to do that if I am not going to be here by next fall. My plan is to move out to the Land of Milk and Honey, with you.'
M.W.:"Hmm. You might have to stay there and go to school. Things are looking that way."
Me:"Nooooo! I want to be there with you! I want to try to be there!"
M.W.:"We can't try. All we can do is cross our fingers and toes and hope for the best."
Me:
It occurs to me that I keep hoping for a white knight on a trusty steed to allow me to live my future. Ha. But I don't need that. My heart broke enough in the past couple of years to know that no one needs save myself but me. No one will steer my future but me. And I'm steerin' baby.
Oh yes, I'm a-steerin'
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