New Orleans was a blast... what did it do to my emotions???

It was a great time in the Big Easy. Saw lots. Did Lots. I've been really shell-shocked since returning to home and to work. My friend... my really good friend and his daughter came with. Words can not describe how awesome it was to be in a family again. Even if that family was not my own, and even if it was for only a week.

Today I retook the GRE and got 160 pts. better than before. I'd been studying for it since getting home a week ago... so mentally I've been doing that instead of processing my trip. I... am... exhausted. (collapses)

The scoop on my friend is that I didn't mean to, but I've fallen for him. Maybe it's because I secretly wanted to and maybe it's because he's really that great. But I am defenseless. It is not healthy and I'm certain that it appears weak. The only thing that would make me happy is to spend more time with him.... and I can't have that. Suckage. I kinda hoped that he was defenseless toward me too, but I am not sure that he's on the same level as me. (Surprising, because he previously gave the impression that he was in for more than I was).

Let me take a minute to say that his daughter has also become a big part of my life. I always wanted a little sister, and it means so much to me that I can be there for her. She's really only a few years younger than me, so that isn't even awkward.

But anyways, back to my guy: my life is not divided up between before I was married, when I was married, and after I was divorced. No. It is divided up from before I knew him, and now, since we've started dating. I never thought it could be like this and now that it is... it scares the hell out of me.

Because I miss the utter closeness and security of marriage, because he lives on the West Coast, because we are not in the same place in our lives, because I am too intense for him, because he feels that he cannot keep up, because my heart is in his hands and I'm nearly petrified that he is going to let go... because of all of this, I have planned and mapped out my life to something I thought would, could, should be agreeable to both. Sigh.

But it's not, because between the past 3-4 days, I've been freaking out at him. If he ever decides to make a committment to me, I will have him committed. Plain and simple. The thing in life that makes the least sense is for someone, any one, THIS GUY to get involved with me: I'm a hurter, and user, a leaver. Unstable. Crazy. Not normal.

I am scared that I am making changes for him. I am scared because they scare him. And you know what? I am about --> <-- this close to taking it all back and staying the course here and finding my own way in life. I'm hurting and hurt and wandering aimless, adrifr in the sea. If love is going to do this to me... I am not sure if I want to be part of it. I want for dry land. Boring but safer.