It was a cold and rainy afternooon....

...and it smells like rain outside. That's because it's raining. Heh. Counseling this morning. I explained to my therapist that I am dieting. But I used to make food my only friend (when I was fat) and have also in the past, utilized food as a means of control; i.e. starving myself to gain control over at least something in my life. She wants us to go over a bunch of self-image techniques after I return from New Orleans in a couple of weeks.

Not that I think I'm a total dog.... but I look in the mirror and do not see the prettiest woman. I see someone is just barely above grossing everyone out. I see lots of women who are prettier, and so do you. If you are not sure that's true, then why don't we talk about the pretty-faced, nice, yet heavy-set women and the handsome but stocky men with killer grins, which we see when we're out and about? A friend of mine always tells me about the "hotties" he meets at the gym. "She was about 5'2", blonde hair, blue eyes, nice and round breasts, a pinchable and tight rear-end, and very athletic." Here's what he would say about me "Average looking. 5'10" and the most outta-control frizzy red hair I've ever seen. Tries to be funny, but is basically just loud. An okay face, but too thick for my taste." That's okay, I'd say this about him "Great personality, no hair to speak of, potbellied, nice smile, looks 50 but is 40, worries too much about the future and does very little about it."

Each week, I get this newsletter from Divorce Magazine. There is an article this week about moving through grief. Some of the grief listed is death, but it can be applied to divorce too. This list appeared as affirmations about the situation... that you need to remind yourself often. I've changed the context from Death to Divorce, to increase its relevancy, and have listed it here, so you can see what I'm talking about:

I forgive myself for not knowing what was coming.

It's okay to be okay even though my loved one isn't.

When he/she was here, I gave all I was capable of at the time, and it is okay to give to myself now.

He/she left and I couldn't prevent it, and it is okay for me to be okay.

When my loved one was here, I loved them the best I knew how.

It's not my fault if my loved one didn't take care of himself.

I had no control over the circumstances that caused my loved one's leaving.

I am connected by my loss to millions of others and I am not alone.

So that's just about all from this little rainy college town today. I got my hair cut this afternoon, and completely dished about my life, to my always-cool hairdresser. I smell like coconuts and I am going to nap until the phone rings (invariably, it does, as I'm just "so" popular (rolls eyes at self)).