It was a great time in the Big Easy. Saw lots. Did Lots. I've been really shell-shocked since returning to home and to work. My friend... my really good friend and his daughter came with. Words can not describe how awesome it was to be in a family again. Even if that family was not my own, and even if it was for only a week.
Today I retook the GRE and got 160 pts. better than before. I'd been studying for it since getting home a week ago... so mentally I've been doing that instead of processing my trip. I... am... exhausted. (collapses)
The scoop on my friend is that I didn't mean to, but I've fallen for him. Maybe it's because I secretly wanted to and maybe it's because he's really that great. But I am defenseless. It is not healthy and I'm certain that it appears weak. The only thing that would make me happy is to spend more time with him.... and I can't have that. Suckage. I kinda hoped that he was defenseless toward me too, but I am not sure that he's on the same level as me. (Surprising, because he previously gave the impression that he was in for more than I was).
Let me take a minute to say that his daughter has also become a big part of my life. I always wanted a little sister, and it means so much to me that I can be there for her. She's really only a few years younger than me, so that isn't even awkward.
But anyways, back to my guy: my life is not divided up between before I was married, when I was married, and after I was divorced. No. It is divided up from before I knew him, and now, since we've started dating. I never thought it could be like this and now that it is... it scares the hell out of me.
Because I miss the utter closeness and security of marriage, because he lives on the West Coast, because we are not in the same place in our lives, because I am too intense for him, because he feels that he cannot keep up, because my heart is in his hands and I'm nearly petrified that he is going to let go... because of all of this, I have planned and mapped out my life to something I thought would, could, should be agreeable to both. Sigh.
But it's not, because between the past 3-4 days, I've been freaking out at him. If he ever decides to make a committment to me, I will have him committed. Plain and simple. The thing in life that makes the least sense is for someone, any one, THIS GUY to get involved with me: I'm a hurter, and user, a leaver. Unstable. Crazy. Not normal.
I am scared that I am making changes for him. I am scared because they scare him. And you know what? I am about --> <-- this close to taking it all back and staying the course here and finding my own way in life. I'm hurting and hurt and wandering aimless, adrifr in the sea. If love is going to do this to me... I am not sure if I want to be part of it. I want for dry land. Boring but safer.
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
Don't Say No.... Not yet, anyways.
All of my life, I have struggled. I have sometimes perservered and succeeded and sometimes tried and failed miserably.The thing I did for way too long, was listen to people who did not think I was capable of pursuing my dreams.
Guess what? I did succeed at my first goal of graduating from college. I did accomplish getting a job and then a better job. And this is not the end of the road for me professionally.
In the face of being told that I can not pursue my dreams in the way I have forseen... I look for alternatives while I perservere on the current front. Although I may not be good enough, I still want to try. Trying is how I learn how to succeed.
It makes me really angry when people tell me that I'm not good enough -- especially when they are not the ones who would decide my fate. Perhaps they are correct. And most probably, they ARE correct in their assumption that I will fail or worse, not even be able to begin.
However, that is not the point. A word of caution is one thing... a word of patronage is quite another. I don't appreciate being told by friends or family members that "perhaps you could do that... but only because you're a woman."
Perhaps I'm being overly sensitive, but this is my future, and I intend to protect it so it can continue to grow. All I wanted was support. Am I so wrong to be defensive toward my goals? Or, is it that I am "just a woman" and am not really taken seriously in the first place?
Guess what? I did succeed at my first goal of graduating from college. I did accomplish getting a job and then a better job. And this is not the end of the road for me professionally.
In the face of being told that I can not pursue my dreams in the way I have forseen... I look for alternatives while I perservere on the current front. Although I may not be good enough, I still want to try. Trying is how I learn how to succeed.
It makes me really angry when people tell me that I'm not good enough -- especially when they are not the ones who would decide my fate. Perhaps they are correct. And most probably, they ARE correct in their assumption that I will fail or worse, not even be able to begin.
However, that is not the point. A word of caution is one thing... a word of patronage is quite another. I don't appreciate being told by friends or family members that "perhaps you could do that... but only because you're a woman."
Perhaps I'm being overly sensitive, but this is my future, and I intend to protect it so it can continue to grow. All I wanted was support. Am I so wrong to be defensive toward my goals? Or, is it that I am "just a woman" and am not really taken seriously in the first place?
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
It was a cold and rainy afternooon....
...and it smells like rain outside. That's because it's raining. Heh. Counseling this morning. I explained to my therapist that I am dieting. But I used to make food my only friend (when I was fat) and have also in the past, utilized food as a means of control; i.e. starving myself to gain control over at least something in my life. She wants us to go over a bunch of self-image techniques after I return from New Orleans in a couple of weeks.
Not that I think I'm a total dog.... but I look in the mirror and do not see the prettiest woman. I see someone is just barely above grossing everyone out. I see lots of women who are prettier, and so do you. If you are not sure that's true, then why don't we talk about the pretty-faced, nice, yet heavy-set women and the handsome but stocky men with killer grins, which we see when we're out and about? A friend of mine always tells me about the "hotties" he meets at the gym. "She was about 5'2", blonde hair, blue eyes, nice and round breasts, a pinchable and tight rear-end, and very athletic." Here's what he would say about me "Average looking. 5'10" and the most outta-control frizzy red hair I've ever seen. Tries to be funny, but is basically just loud. An okay face, but too thick for my taste." That's okay, I'd say this about him "Great personality, no hair to speak of, potbellied, nice smile, looks 50 but is 40, worries too much about the future and does very little about it."
Each week, I get this newsletter from Divorce Magazine. There is an article this week about moving through grief. Some of the grief listed is death, but it can be applied to divorce too. This list appeared as affirmations about the situation... that you need to remind yourself often. I've changed the context from Death to Divorce, to increase its relevancy, and have listed it here, so you can see what I'm talking about:
So that's just about all from this little rainy college town today. I got my hair cut this afternoon, and completely dished about my life, to my always-cool hairdresser. I smell like coconuts and I am going to nap until the phone rings (invariably, it does, as I'm just "so" popular (rolls eyes at self)).
Not that I think I'm a total dog.... but I look in the mirror and do not see the prettiest woman. I see someone is just barely above grossing everyone out. I see lots of women who are prettier, and so do you. If you are not sure that's true, then why don't we talk about the pretty-faced, nice, yet heavy-set women and the handsome but stocky men with killer grins, which we see when we're out and about? A friend of mine always tells me about the "hotties" he meets at the gym. "She was about 5'2", blonde hair, blue eyes, nice and round breasts, a pinchable and tight rear-end, and very athletic." Here's what he would say about me "Average looking. 5'10" and the most outta-control frizzy red hair I've ever seen. Tries to be funny, but is basically just loud. An okay face, but too thick for my taste." That's okay, I'd say this about him "Great personality, no hair to speak of, potbellied, nice smile, looks 50 but is 40, worries too much about the future and does very little about it."
Each week, I get this newsletter from Divorce Magazine. There is an article this week about moving through grief. Some of the grief listed is death, but it can be applied to divorce too. This list appeared as affirmations about the situation... that you need to remind yourself often. I've changed the context from Death to Divorce, to increase its relevancy, and have listed it here, so you can see what I'm talking about:
I forgive myself for not knowing what was coming.
It's okay to be okay even though my loved one isn't.
When he/she was here, I gave all I was capable of at the time, and it is okay to give to myself now.
He/she left and I couldn't prevent it, and it is okay for me to be okay.
When my loved one was here, I loved them the best I knew how.
It's not my fault if my loved one didn't take care of himself.
I had no control over the circumstances that caused my loved one's leaving.
I am connected by my loss to millions of others and I am not alone.
So that's just about all from this little rainy college town today. I got my hair cut this afternoon, and completely dished about my life, to my always-cool hairdresser. I smell like coconuts and I am going to nap until the phone rings (invariably, it does, as I'm just "so" popular (rolls eyes at self)).
Monday, June 07, 2004
Controversial but relevant...
I usually avoid speaking of death. My attitude about speaking of it is decidedly Jewish, I've come to realize. Speak well of the dead, and don't tempt fate by speaking of someone's impending doom. However this morning, compelled by death in the news (former president Reagan), as well as this article which I just read... I'm feeling in quite the mood to discuss.
So, where to begin: the article is about suicide. I remember as a teen, my mom was always concerned that because my brother and I were so quiet about things that caused us pain... that we were suicidal. That couldn't have been farther from the truth! We were just intensely private about the pain we endured whilst growing up. I hated high school and felt in my element when I got out and into college. Never again would I let someone's opinions of my popularity effect my performance, social life, etc. Life is something which I love to do, and I feel it can always be improved upon.
About a two years ago, when S.T.B.E. and I began having the "irreparable" problems in our marriage -- the ones from which we never recovered -- I had an attitude shift. First, it came in the form of worry. He never called, but was often late getting home from work. I never knew what he was up to, but it was usually going to a sporting goods store and spending money that we didn't really have on fishing crap that he certainly didn't need. Formerly I would worry that he was lying in a ditch somewhere and it made me sick to think of him never coming home again. Yes, I know this part is sick, but I started to become disappointed when he would pull into the driveway. There was a night when he did not come home from work.. he went drinking with his friends and by the time I left for work at 3 AM, he was still not home. He called me on my way to work, completely soused. I was worried sick as given by my frantic phone calls to a friend, that he might be dead or something. But alas, he was not: he drove completely shit-faced drunk, home, telling me that the reason he had to get so drunk was that he could not express his feelings to me, but he could to his friends, when he was drunk. They, apparently, understood him. That night, and every night that he came home late thereafter... I began hoping that he was lying in a ditch somewhere.
The worse things got in the marriage, the more controlling he became and the more negative I was about my future.. I started mentally going through a litany of reasons that I needed to leave him. Nothing ever seemed good enough. Not a single reason. The pressure became enormous, and I was so miserable that suddenly I looked at the possibility of me stepping out of my life to get rid of the pain.
I never even tried to hurt myself... but for a few long weeks last summer, that seemed like it might have been a plausable solution. There was so much pressure and I was so eternally sad and hurt by the marriage and there seemed to be no hope for the future. I was suffering. Sometimes even now, I wish that I would be able to step out of the pain of my life. But the deeper I get into working through it... the more I see that I will be better off in the long run, to work through it, become stronger, and be more positive on the other side.
Working through the awfulness and pain associated with the unwanted loss of my spouse (recall that I did everything I could, for as long as I could, to make it work... until he forced my hand otherwise) has been the hardest damn thing I've ever done. Compared to this... an M.S. in Industrial Engineering will be somewhat of a labourious cake-walk. But if this makes me a more stable, more well-adjusted person in the end... then I'm all for it.
As always, I have to thank God for my wonderful life. I'm sure it's wonderful, because I have all of the trappings of a good life. Stuff, friends (and some unexpected new friends!) and even a good buddy rooting me on and supporting me in everything I do.... a buddy that even now, I am not sure I would stop falling for, if I wanted to. Mega-sigh.
Good life. Great Price. Wal-Mart.
ROTFLMAO!
So, where to begin: the article is about suicide. I remember as a teen, my mom was always concerned that because my brother and I were so quiet about things that caused us pain... that we were suicidal. That couldn't have been farther from the truth! We were just intensely private about the pain we endured whilst growing up. I hated high school and felt in my element when I got out and into college. Never again would I let someone's opinions of my popularity effect my performance, social life, etc. Life is something which I love to do, and I feel it can always be improved upon.
About a two years ago, when S.T.B.E. and I began having the "irreparable" problems in our marriage -- the ones from which we never recovered -- I had an attitude shift. First, it came in the form of worry. He never called, but was often late getting home from work. I never knew what he was up to, but it was usually going to a sporting goods store and spending money that we didn't really have on fishing crap that he certainly didn't need. Formerly I would worry that he was lying in a ditch somewhere and it made me sick to think of him never coming home again. Yes, I know this part is sick, but I started to become disappointed when he would pull into the driveway. There was a night when he did not come home from work.. he went drinking with his friends and by the time I left for work at 3 AM, he was still not home. He called me on my way to work, completely soused. I was worried sick as given by my frantic phone calls to a friend, that he might be dead or something. But alas, he was not: he drove completely shit-faced drunk, home, telling me that the reason he had to get so drunk was that he could not express his feelings to me, but he could to his friends, when he was drunk. They, apparently, understood him. That night, and every night that he came home late thereafter... I began hoping that he was lying in a ditch somewhere.
The worse things got in the marriage, the more controlling he became and the more negative I was about my future.. I started mentally going through a litany of reasons that I needed to leave him. Nothing ever seemed good enough. Not a single reason. The pressure became enormous, and I was so miserable that suddenly I looked at the possibility of me stepping out of my life to get rid of the pain.
I never even tried to hurt myself... but for a few long weeks last summer, that seemed like it might have been a plausable solution. There was so much pressure and I was so eternally sad and hurt by the marriage and there seemed to be no hope for the future. I was suffering. Sometimes even now, I wish that I would be able to step out of the pain of my life. But the deeper I get into working through it... the more I see that I will be better off in the long run, to work through it, become stronger, and be more positive on the other side.
Working through the awfulness and pain associated with the unwanted loss of my spouse (recall that I did everything I could, for as long as I could, to make it work... until he forced my hand otherwise) has been the hardest damn thing I've ever done. Compared to this... an M.S. in Industrial Engineering will be somewhat of a labourious cake-walk. But if this makes me a more stable, more well-adjusted person in the end... then I'm all for it.
As always, I have to thank God for my wonderful life. I'm sure it's wonderful, because I have all of the trappings of a good life. Stuff, friends (and some unexpected new friends!) and even a good buddy rooting me on and supporting me in everything I do.... a buddy that even now, I am not sure I would stop falling for, if I wanted to. Mega-sigh.
Good life. Great Price. Wal-Mart.
ROTFLMAO!
Thursday, June 03, 2004
Just when I thought I was going under for certain....
Today, I woke up way too early -- after only 3 hours of sleep. Then I did a few things and went back to bed after cooking dinner. I didn't eat because I wanted to take the food to work overnight. So the phone and some thunderstorms woke me up and I ended up reading my email and received another inane letter from my S.T.B.E. Today, he continued to make demands and threats. I called him on the phone. We screamed. He emailed a nasty note. I emailed a note that was well-thought-out and not nice, in the least.
(Choir of Angels singing the Hallelujia Chorus)He called to apologize. Him. Saying he was sorry. The truth was that he just did not understand what I was saying, although I said it twelve ways from Sunday. This typified our relationship -- he would not understand me and then get "over the top" angry. I went from over-reacting to under-reacting during the span of my marriage. (Seriously, from freaking out each time we had a fight in the beginning... to rolling my eyes and walking away from him when he was threatening our lives with a gun. Okay, I didn't exactly walk away when he had the gun -- I called 911 without a second thought).
But anyways... he is not the most logical bananna in the bunch. And when the Choir of Angels kicked in, he actually apologized to me for misunderstanding. He called off the legal hounds, and has agreed to do things the way I suggested.
Still, he's a wreckless danger to himself, the way he gets an idea into his head and thinks that's the only way that life can exist, is to do things his way. Do you think, as individuals, that we might be that way sometimes?
So I was saying before that I got up in enough time to enjoy some lite television and dinner... but ended up having this hellacious fight. Then I called my best friend who is 1500 miles to my WNW... We prayed together for several minutes.
Ever get the feeling that you're not alone when you're praying? And not like Jesus is standing there either. There was this blackish blob in front of my eyes when I opened them up. It didn't really scare me, I just kept blinking and praying. If you've read "This Present Darkness" by Frank Peretti, then you'll know what I'm thinking about.
S.T.B.E. called me about 3 minutes after we were done praying. Praise God! That was one of the quickest answered prayers ever.
BTW.. I got registered for the GRE and found that I only have to take one portion of the exam. Therefore I can put all of my energies in that portion and not worry otherwise. What I really don't want to do, is to maybe just not do the writing section. I'm happy with my score and I don't think it's possible for me to do any better. I got a 5 out of 6.
And I was able to pay for all of this stuff that I needed to do, and still have enough for food this week. That's good... but it helped me to realize that S.T.B.E. was right when he said that he used to always have to "save" me financially -- He did, because in my puny, uneducated, immature mind... that was the only way to command him to be responsible, and at the same time, show me attention. Otherwise he ignored me most of the time. (snubbed me to the point where I wouldn't even hug or kiss him any longer).
(Choir of Angels singing the Hallelujia Chorus)He called to apologize. Him. Saying he was sorry. The truth was that he just did not understand what I was saying, although I said it twelve ways from Sunday. This typified our relationship -- he would not understand me and then get "over the top" angry. I went from over-reacting to under-reacting during the span of my marriage. (Seriously, from freaking out each time we had a fight in the beginning... to rolling my eyes and walking away from him when he was threatening our lives with a gun. Okay, I didn't exactly walk away when he had the gun -- I called 911 without a second thought).
But anyways... he is not the most logical bananna in the bunch. And when the Choir of Angels kicked in, he actually apologized to me for misunderstanding. He called off the legal hounds, and has agreed to do things the way I suggested.
Still, he's a wreckless danger to himself, the way he gets an idea into his head and thinks that's the only way that life can exist, is to do things his way. Do you think, as individuals, that we might be that way sometimes?
So I was saying before that I got up in enough time to enjoy some lite television and dinner... but ended up having this hellacious fight. Then I called my best friend who is 1500 miles to my WNW... We prayed together for several minutes.
Ever get the feeling that you're not alone when you're praying? And not like Jesus is standing there either. There was this blackish blob in front of my eyes when I opened them up. It didn't really scare me, I just kept blinking and praying. If you've read "This Present Darkness" by Frank Peretti, then you'll know what I'm thinking about.
S.T.B.E. called me about 3 minutes after we were done praying. Praise God! That was one of the quickest answered prayers ever.
BTW.. I got registered for the GRE and found that I only have to take one portion of the exam. Therefore I can put all of my energies in that portion and not worry otherwise. What I really don't want to do, is to maybe just not do the writing section. I'm happy with my score and I don't think it's possible for me to do any better. I got a 5 out of 6.
And I was able to pay for all of this stuff that I needed to do, and still have enough for food this week. That's good... but it helped me to realize that S.T.B.E. was right when he said that he used to always have to "save" me financially -- He did, because in my puny, uneducated, immature mind... that was the only way to command him to be responsible, and at the same time, show me attention. Otherwise he ignored me most of the time. (snubbed me to the point where I wouldn't even hug or kiss him any longer).
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
Rough Weekend...
So it's not like I have a bad life or anything.... but I can't seem to get my brain and life and effort and finances in order, all at the same time. My dickweed soon-to-be-ex is dragging his feet on getting me some needed information, so that we can get this process under way. I have to take the GRE again to make sure I get into grad school. THat means there is studying to be done. Which means that the exam has to be registered for and paid for and worried about. And all of that implies that there will be less than zero emotional energy left to deal with 1) my vacation 2) my dickweed ex 3) anything else that should arise.
Sounds crazy for someone who has a good life and all... but you know, it makes me have a lot of anxiety for all of these unresolved things to be hanging over my head. I start to make a list, and then I hyperventilated. Real cool.
My mom asked me the other day if I needed her out here. I do. I'm afraid to let her come, because I'm afraid that means I'm not strong enough. I don't feel like I'm strong enough. I'm tired. So tired....
Sounds crazy for someone who has a good life and all... but you know, it makes me have a lot of anxiety for all of these unresolved things to be hanging over my head. I start to make a list, and then I hyperventilated. Real cool.
My mom asked me the other day if I needed her out here. I do. I'm afraid to let her come, because I'm afraid that means I'm not strong enough. I don't feel like I'm strong enough. I'm tired. So tired....
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