I'm afraid.....

It seems that my soon to be ex wants to fight.... and to not take on his fair share of the financial burdens. He wants things to be equal, without taking on half of my financial burdens. I'm now determined to get half of everything. A week ago, even last night.. I was willing to walk away with not as much. I just wanted to walk away.

I want to start over. I want to leave this place behind and start over in a place that is not so full of contempt. My heart is good. I promise. I never wanted things to turn out this way. And I'm so sorry for me that they did. I don't really give a flip about what he wants now. He's turning this into an ugly circus. I'm scared. I'm really scared that it's going to hurt me.

Not just financially... but emotionally. I loved him. He was a stupid uncaring bastard to me. He's awful and selfish.I hate him. Nope.. I guess I just don't care. I also just want to be safe and live peacefully.

For him? He can go take a flying leap. Perhaps I should've left last fall when he pulled the gun out. Just let him do himself in.

To my soon to be ex spouse....

I don't think it was selfish
That I wanted to be with you
That I wanted to share your laughter
That I wanted to protect you from your fears
That I wanted to be a part of your Life

But I admit I had my needs
I needed understanding
I needed someone to hold
I needed someone to talk to

For you can only hold a pillow
For so long
And there's only so much you can say
To a dog

--unknown

It is begun

I spoke with a mediator today. When I finally file, It'll be Ten days to Freedom!

Here's a song of encouragement to me:

Destiny's Child - Survivor


Song - Survivor
Album - Survivor

Now that you're out of my life
I'm so much better
You thought that I'd be weak without you
But I'm stronger
You thought that I'd be broke without you
But I'm richer
You thought that I'd be sad without you
I laugh harder
You thought I wouldn't grow without you
Now I'm wiser
Though that I'd be helpless without you
But I'm smarter
You thought that I'd be stressed without you
But I'm chillin'
You thought I wouldn't sell without you
Sold 9 million

I'm a survivor
I'm not gon give up
I'm not gon stop
I'm gon work harder
I'm a survivor
I'm gonna make it
I will survive
Keep on survivin'

Thought I couldn't breathe without
I'm inhaling
You thought I couldn't see without you
Perfect vision
You thought I couldn't last without you
But I'm lastin'
You thought that I would die without you
But I'm livin'
Thought that I would fail without you
But I'm on top
Thought it would be over by now
But it won't stop
Thought that I would self destruct
But I'm still here
Even in my years to come
I'm still gon be here

I'm a survivor
I'm not gon give up
I'm not gon stop
I'm gon work harder
I'm a survivor
I'm gonna make it
I will survive
Keep on survivin'

I'm wishin' you the best
Pray that you are blessed
Bring much success, no stress, and lots of happiness
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon blast you on the radio
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon lie on you and your family
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon hate on you in the magazines
('m better than that)
I'm not gon compromise my Christianity
(I'm better than that)
You know I'm not gon diss you on the Internet
Cause my mama taught me better than that

I'm a survivor
I'm not gon give up
I'm not gon stop
I'm gon work harder
I'm a survivor
I'm gonna make it
I will survive
Keep on survivin'

(Beyonce)
Oh (oh) oh (oh)...

After of all of the darkness and sadness
Soon comes happiness
If I surround my self with positive things
I'll gain prosperity

I'm a survivor
I'm not gon give up
I'm not gon stop
I'm gon work harder
I'm a survivor
I'm gonna make it
I will survive
Keep on survivin'

Before and After...

There is a genre of music which I am given to... mainly sappy and sad love songs. I love them because it lets you know that someone else in the universe is where you are.... at least they were. And they made it through ... and so will I.

Before I ended my marriage, Train had a ton of songs that I would belt out in the shower and weep and scream to. I heard Lincoln Avenue tonight. Its meaning has kind of gone flat for me. Now I'm really into Tal Bachman (son of Mr. Bachman of BTO), and things like Chris Rice (whose song Naive makes me cry every time).

After I left my spouse... and I still thank God every day that I did... I've been swimming around in this river of feelings. Sometimes it levels me and I'm helpless. Sometimes I feel better than I have in ages.


On taking chances versus playing it safe...
So my boss wants to chat with me this morning. I did something that was pretty bad. Bad in a business sense. A big one. Not that I intentionally did it... in fact, it didn't even occur to me that what I was doing was wrong -- although it maybe should have?

---- so he wasn't all that upset... but I don't know how in the world anyone caught onto that page... Shrugs. Oh well. I'm not in that bad of trouble. Just have to be careful. I hate feeling like I used to feel when my rat-bastard former boss would yell at me. Like a non-entity. Ugh.

I'm not really scared anymore...

The evolution of a person from a very stressful situation, through the pain and anguish of breaking off something to which she was very emotionally attached, then coming out on the other side a little stronger... that's pretty amazing. When you see that you have done that yourself... that's downright fabulous.

I cry a lot more than I used to. But I used to be a lot more miserable than I am now. Having to be tough to survive is harder on a person than being weak. Being able to be weak when you can't take it any more is a sign that one has a good support system and that they trust and love and are loved.

As I mentioned in the title... I'm not totally freaked when I see guns anymore. When I see people manipulating eachother, I can disengage instead of melting down. There are things that worry me from time to time, but I know that divorce was right for me in this situation. And if I ever judge someone in a situation that I haven't been in ... well, I just don't think that's going to happen.

Why don't I think that'll happen? Because I have received grace that I didn't deserve. Sitting in smug judgment of others in my situation before I sat in this situation... I deserved to be judged harshly and put away. Instead, a very few people have been unnecessarily kind and generous to a fault. One person in particular didn't even know me and was and still is amazingly kind and generous.

From this, I am taking a lesson in humanity; humility. I told my mom yesterday, who is going through her own set of emotional tough times.... that part of our humanity is to allow our fellow man the grace needed when they are in tough times. Beauty is especially apparent when one is hurting and still affords another grace and sympathy and love and understanding.

A song for my soon-to-be Ex....

Hey you... I'm not angry. I'm still hurting, but I think about what we had and how it all went wrong. I heard this song and I hope that one day you see things this way.

Artist: Clint Black
Song: A Better Man

What do you say when it's over
I don't know if I should say anything at all
One day we're rollin' in the clover
Next thing you know we take the fall

Still, I think about the years since I first met you
And the way it might have been without you here
And I don't know if words from me can still upset you
But I've just gotta make this memory stand clear

I know I'm leavin' here a better man
For knowin' you this way
Things I couldn't do before, now I think I can
And I'm leavin here a better man

I guess I always knew I couldn't hold you
But I'd never be the one to set you free
Just like some old nursery rhyme your mama told you
You still believe in some old meant-to-be

Still I'm leavin' here a better man
For knowin' you this way
Things I couldn't do before, now I think I can
And I'm leavin' here a better man

Yes I'm leavin' here a better man
For knowin' you this way
Things I couldn't do before, now I know I can
And I'm leavin' here a better man

Yes I'm leavin' here a better man

Barely Perceptable....

... but a change is in the air. Something has been happening to me and I feel a bit stronger. For those who speak with me on a regular basis... you know that my strength is often a fascade. A dear friend once likened it to being a common house-fly, bumbling around in a butterfly suit. That's never been more true. Coworkers, even former friends see a reasonably self-assured woman who is not especially worried about her future -- they see Supergirl who is fearless. Wonder-woman whose strength is endless. In actuality... some days I am that. And some days I feel like I'm one tooth-pick short of collapsing.

However, recently I'm not so weak. Even when I cry, there is an assurance that things are going to get better. Whilst snoozing yesterday afternoon, I felt myself drift into a sort of lucid dreaming, where I was just thinking about all of the shit I'd been through recently.... Hot tears stung my eyes and cheeks... I knew I was still sleeping, but I didn't feel so bad about it all.

A good friend mentioned once that the filing for divorce is closure... not the thing that wounds so much... So I'm looking for the pain to become less...

Damn. I've been on nights again... and even though I slept adequately.... my eyes are closing. It's a crappy feeling.

The People You Know....

(beware -- parts of this posting were taking from an email which I just sent)

Or do you??? So I was walking thru the airport the other day (actually, it was about two weeks ago now, as my laptop keeps crashing when I go to write this).... anyways... there was this dude on my flight whose t-shirt says "Grouch" on the back of it. Was it? Could it be? Nah. I was just a little to shy to go up and ask. Besides.. how would I ask? "Um... are you? Do you go by...? Could you be considered... Mishtah Groucthy-panths?" Hahaha.... Instead, I relaxed and tried not to feel bad that just 5 hours previous, I was in sunny California -- first vacation I've taken in 6 years. Ho hum.

Well all is going mainly fabu here in the land of tornadoes and ruby-red slippers. I'm entering the final days of dividing my posessions from my spouse's and.... once I file for divorce, it only takes 10 days since we have no children. Ten days is all it takes to dissolve 10 years of marriage. Somehow, I think that's too short a time. Not that I want it to take extra long... but damn... that's like... just 10 days. There is, however, a caveat: if I co-habitate with a man, or get married in the next 6 months (shuh! yeah! riiiight....) it's considered bigamy!

In life, we never know what is going to happen, when. At the tendre age of 20, I thought I was mature enough to realize the love of my life... that marriage would not be my ruin. Actually it wasn't that bad a choice. How was I to know that I would continue to change and evolve, and that he would not further his emotional evolvement past the third grade? Thing is, I broke up with another dude to go out with my husband. I needed to break up with that dude and be alone for a while. Instead, I waited until I found someone new. "Hello Joelle, grow some cajones and be alone for a change. It ain't gonna kill ya!" And I mis-took the firework-y roller-coaster ride for true love.

Well let me tell ya... in spending time with a guy friend in California, I realize that my marital relationship was seriously messed up. Non-communicative, non-responsive, asexual. On vacation I went out with my friend and it was just totally relaxed and as normal as one could want it to be. I felt as good as... or even better than... hanging out a) alone at Starbux or b) with a girlfriend. I discussed my feelings with my counselor... who said that's dating at its best -- not intending anything more than hanging and getting to know someone. Who.. wha? Me? Dating? Well How-de-do! So I guess *I'm kinda sorta dating..

*But I still need space. Just as there was no graceful way of ending my marriage... there is certainly no graceful way of entering back into the realm of dating again.

So that's my life in a nutshell... tell me what's new in yours?

Photos!

Hey there kiddies... for those of you who would love to see some awesome photos of my awesome trip to California... go to heck. LOL. Just kidding. Go here. It was great fun and I think everyone should try it at least once.

--jm

Don't I know it's early for this kind of talk...

But what the dang-it-all heck? Here is the first installment of my list, for the next gift-giving Holiday. Traditionally we Midwestern-folk might call it a Christmas List... but who knows what other kinds of Holidays are out there, that I never even realized? Share your holiday with me... send prezents... Ha ha!

So my good buddy in California taught me how to play backgammon whilst I was on vacation. At the toy store, there was a little travel backgammon set, which I now covet. Yes, fellow Christian Soldiers, I understand fully the weight of my words. Can anyone imagine breaking a Commandment just for a tiny purse-sized, handled and zippered, box of strategy-and-glee? Well yes my fine furry friends.... Indeed I have broken commandment #10 (and although a travel-backgammon set is not my neighbor's wife... if it *was* my neighbor's wife, I would covet it... so I'm guilty).

Can you imagine me (speaker-out-er against online game-playing, chatting with those I don't know), furtively waiting for an opponent in Social Lounge 8 on Yahoo? It's disgusting. My buddy's workplace is such that he can-nae play at the office. Suck-a-ledge. So I'm wholly leaping into my new passion, by reading everything ever written on the subject. (Anyone ever pick up a book on the "sport"? Dry reading, but if you use your pea-brain, it's amazing the things you can learn and imagine and ! stra-TEE-gee).

Much ado about some things....
Item #1 on my list, is this.. and item #2 is this....