Timing is Everything

Can you imagine the greiving that one goes through when a relationship ends? I talked with a guy at the office yesterday, who I learned is divorced. He told me that it changes you forever.... Been two years for him, and he's just now starting to emerge from the depression. He has a girlfriend back in Colorado... but they've both been there and don't want to get into it again.

In my life, I've never felt so guilty. Guilty for a relationship that spun out of control, and guily that I could not singlehandedly fix it. Guilty for not being able to convince my mentally disturbed spouse that he needed help, and NOW, and guilty for not "talking about it with someone", reminds my dear mother.

On the brighter side, I am starting to feel human again from my post-vacation illness. However it happened at 3 AM and now I'm wide awake, with the midnight editor quipping at my heels to get some things off my chest. I should say Midnight Editor... since He really is the one who calls the shots.

Let's talk about timing.
My brother and I were very close, growing up. We shared a dating philosophy that included the mantra "Why get rid of the old car before you get a new one?" Later, I have learned that others call this philosophy the Monkey Bar syndrome -- that one is afraid to leave their current situation and possibly fall to the bottom ... so they grab onto the next rung and hold on, through good and bad... maybe even especially when they should not have held on.

Looking back in my life, I can see that I have had a series of "emotional crutches" along the way. That is not bad. I will never say that is bad. When the alternative is spinning out of control... and you don't know where you are anyways... the people that I have leaned on for support are generally true friends of my own choosing. But oh, my spouse always thought they were terrible. See, I work in a male-dominated field. The odd person would chat with me about this thing or that thing... and there I would be, with an all-new confidant. There was never an affair. In the end... that is what I can say Babe, I loved with my heart and soul. I promised to never cheat, and I didn't. But you abandoned me somewhere along the track, and left my heart -- not to mention our love -- in the dusty and hot sun, to wither and die. But he always thought I was inappropriately engaged with my friends. In the name of being a Good Christian, he asked me over and over again to have a "chat" with my friends and then pull back. Let them know exactly that my husband did not approve of our friendliness, and then move on. Way to mark his territory -- he shoulda just pissed on me.

Part of my codependency was that I gave him ultimate authority to veto with whom I spent my time. I would ask persmission... presumably out of respect for him. But I knew what it was: an attempt to appease him and still get my own way. If I could circumvent him throwing a tantrum or ignoring me for a week (as was his typical behaviour when he was angry with me for hanging with a dear friend), I would try anything.... but nothing ever worked. My mentor calls his actions "stamp collecting" because at the time of the incident, everything is appearingly finished. Then, later on at the convenience of my flawed spouse (this is in no way to mean that I am flawless... I am referring to this in the "character flaw" sense)... he would trot out his collection of things I'd done to displease him, and stick it to me.

This is hurting my current relationships with friends, family, and loved ones. Why? Because when things go too good for a period of time, I mistrust them. Talk about the ultimate controller's fantasy! He is no longer here and the relic of my 10 year marriage is that I now believe that the people who love me most are just waiting for me to trust them and then they will hurt me. It's not their fault, but I sometimes treat them like it is. Sorry 'bout that.