Yes, that is right. My soon to be former spouse's mother emailed me today, letting me know that the mess that became my marriage, is essentially my fault. It's difficult for her to see that her son is not blameless. On the one hand, she says that... and on the other, she says that we are in this together. I hate it when people say "I should've voiced my opinion when I saw you were doing something which I disapprove." There is no room to bitch if you wait, folks! It's as simple as that.
It occured to me that I might be lashing out at people
Looking back at both of my blogs in the past couple of days, I seemed to go off on almost everyone I know. I hope that I'm legitimately upset, and not fabricating shiot so that my life is more dramatic. My counselor told me that if I am in a relationship and I don't like the person who I am... then I have to take a good long look at the relationship, and why it is that I turn into an ugly person while I'm with that guy.
My former spouse sent a somewhat nice, somewhat logical email to me today.... and I'm not certain that he doesn't have an agenda. Well duh....he's trying to get me back. Well guess what? It hurts that he is making this play to get me back. It's been well over half of our marriage that I wanted out. And for the past two years, I was miserable.
It just occured to me that I could still make it work...
If I was willing to change myself as a person. Sure, my former spouse says that we were craving validation... that we needed to hear eachother out. But I must not have loved him much, because I have little interest in making nice just so that my marriage is intact.
I mentioned the other day, my trip to SFO in March
Ostensibly, my trip is a vacation. But I will be working on it. My great friend and mentor has offered me a rather lucrative job when I'm out there. It should be simple enough. But it's the getting to know my friend better... meeting a great long-time pen-pal-ish-friend and meeting someone who comes up just short of hero-worship in my book.... THAT's what I'm looking forward to. Plus the geography... the topography...
And I am also looking forward to writing my own history. I want to turn over in the middle of the night and not want to get out of bed. I want to have a life where I am glad to be around my lover... not biding my time to get away. If there was ever a fix to my marriage... I didn't see it. Perhaps my heart has been hardened to my former spouse. Perhaps there is, even now, a fix which I refuse to see, because I don't want to?
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