Ain't gonna live my life like it's over... Cos it's not!!!

Is there love out there? Some place happy for my heart to live? Tell me again... Why exactly am I wallering in sadness? There is enough sadness to go around without me adding to the mix. I am ready to be happy. I am ready to let go of the bad and get back to the good.

I am ready to go out and be a part of humanity again. I want to be sociable and know that the lines I've drawn in my mind are actually places where I will draw the limit. You know what? I want to have friends and things to do and places to go. I want to be comfortable socially, and not want to run away from situations that remind me of my ex.

One happy day, when the timing is right... I'll announce to the world that I have found Mr. Right. The guy who made my heart happy... who wanted me... wanted to be with me more than anything else in the world. The man whose sunshine heart makes my flowers bloom. The man whose tears of joy water my trees. The one who gives me the confidence that even I think I would make a great parent.

Many many years ago, I picked out names for my someday babies. And when I met Mr. Wrong... I became convinced that I would make an abysmal parent. You know... I'll make a great mommy. It goes back to what my counselor keeps saying... that if I don't like myself as a person... if I question myself... then it's time to take a peek at what my relationship is doing to me. I have confidence that I will not drop my babies... that I will not yell at them or lose my temper... And that I will buy them chemistry sets and have fun with them and teach them everything that I know.. and with Love and Patience and Encouragement.

Hey babies... Psst! Mommy loves you and can't wait to meet you!

And then his MOTHER entered the fray...

Yes, that is right. My soon to be former spouse's mother emailed me today, letting me know that the mess that became my marriage, is essentially my fault. It's difficult for her to see that her son is not blameless. On the one hand, she says that... and on the other, she says that we are in this together. I hate it when people say "I should've voiced my opinion when I saw you were doing something which I disapprove." There is no room to bitch if you wait, folks! It's as simple as that.

It occured to me that I might be lashing out at people
Looking back at both of my blogs in the past couple of days, I seemed to go off on almost everyone I know. I hope that I'm legitimately upset, and not fabricating shiot so that my life is more dramatic. My counselor told me that if I am in a relationship and I don't like the person who I am... then I have to take a good long look at the relationship, and why it is that I turn into an ugly person while I'm with that guy.

My former spouse sent a somewhat nice, somewhat logical email to me today.... and I'm not certain that he doesn't have an agenda. Well duh....he's trying to get me back. Well guess what? It hurts that he is making this play to get me back. It's been well over half of our marriage that I wanted out. And for the past two years, I was miserable.

It just occured to me that I could still make it work...
If I was willing to change myself as a person. Sure, my former spouse says that we were craving validation... that we needed to hear eachother out. But I must not have loved him much, because I have little interest in making nice just so that my marriage is intact.

I mentioned the other day, my trip to SFO in March
Ostensibly, my trip is a vacation. But I will be working on it. My great friend and mentor has offered me a rather lucrative job when I'm out there. It should be simple enough. But it's the getting to know my friend better... meeting a great long-time pen-pal-ish-friend and meeting someone who comes up just short of hero-worship in my book.... THAT's what I'm looking forward to. Plus the geography... the topography...

And I am also looking forward to writing my own history. I want to turn over in the middle of the night and not want to get out of bed. I want to have a life where I am glad to be around my lover... not biding my time to get away. If there was ever a fix to my marriage... I didn't see it. Perhaps my heart has been hardened to my former spouse. Perhaps there is, even now, a fix which I refuse to see, because I don't want to?

Goodbye to you

I emailed my spouse and told him it was time we parted ways. What do I do with all of these feelings? I hate him and I miss what I thought we had together. My life has so many positive changes these days. But I seem to be focused on only "me" things. Like tunnel vision. There are a number of things in life that I enjoy -- making fun of my former place of employment, reading some crazy-boy's blog, and reading awesome books (new and old) as well. Lately I've only been running and spending money on things I don't need.

WHy running, you ask? Because my first marathon will be on April 25, 2004. It's the beginning of the new me. Yay. I'm beside myself with excitement. Why shopping? Because doesn't everyone want nicer skin, nicer hair, nicer kitchen utinsils, nicer shelving units in their respective closets?

Good Lord, get over that inferiority complex!
Momma, Momma-womma... please stop asking me to keep my wits about me when I go back to school. Your eldest daughter has a college degree. Woo-friggin-hoo. First girl in the family. Second person in the family, ever. So what's say you get off my ass about WHERE I went to school, and the attitude you associate with that place, thereof.

The alleged "air" you continually accuse me of having is thus: People who went to the University of ________ think they are better than everyone. They are snotty and smug about the fact that they went to that school. They act as though they are better than everyone else. So you say, dear parental unit... so you say. But tell me something... am I as bad just because I went there? You say Peter is that bad because he went there, against his parents wishes.

You started talking about this when I said I was interested in climbing the corporate ladder. Actually, no, dear unit of female parent... YOU alleged that since I am traveling to sunny CA, that I also want to climb the corporeal...wait wait... the corporate ladder. THEN you admonished me against getting that "Big head" that people who attend the University of ________ have.

I'm really closer to cussing than one might think, so let me stand down for a second. Have you ever noticed that people accuse someone or something of having an air, when they feel inferior and/or jealous? Hm.

So this is the crux: I am not sorry for being edumacated. I'm just not. And I'm not sorry that my vocabulary is bigger than your purse (and THAT's big... so you know what I'm sayin'...). Further, I will not hold myself back just because you think that I think that I'm something special. GUESS WHAT? I already am special. No one had to tell me and I don't have to prove it.

What about educating myself for the sake of education? Well no one could ever say I was ignorant.

Tomorrow, they leave...

My folks have been here for a week. God knows I love 'em... but I have come to the end of wanting them here -- for now anyways. I hate to seem holier-than-thou.... but they seem so much like people who've never been anywhere or seen anything. Country bumpkins. Hicks. It was nice though, that it doesn't take much to impress them. For example: Braums.

Do you know Braums? If not, please, for the love of all that is holy and sacred... if you are ever in the South Central Plains... GO THERE! It's like Burger King meets Dairy Queen and produces Baby Carrot-Stick! Daddy insisted that we go there for ice cream sundaes. I love their limeades (trust me if you've not had one... a regional TREAT!).. Mom is on a diet and said she'd be "bad" with us. Yay Mom. Thanks. So they marveled at any and everything in our path. They scorn learned-ness... and multisyllabic words.

Apparently I'm the pride of the family... and similarly, the bain of their collective existences, since I have one undergraduate degree and am proceeding to attempt another one. One second, Mom tells me to take a minute and enjoy life... kick up my heels. The next, she's admonishing that I not get a big head about things... that I take some time and think about someone other than myself. Know what? I think she's as messed up as I feel right now, only she refuses to admit it.

Tomorrow, they are leaving. I'll miss them horribly.

A list of topics to address:

1) Dang it, I'm busy. And tired.
2) Mom and Dad are flying in tonight for the upcoming week.
3) My treatment of my S.T.B.X. through the first half of our marriage (when I was still fighting for it).
4) My trip to SFO in March.
5) Filing for Divorce.
6) God's Mercy and Forgiveness -- not just for the "perfect" people, but especially for us sinners.
7) Self-righteous individuals who try to control us in our lives... and how we can disengage from caring about that.
8) Self-righteous individuals who try to blackmail you when their old tactics do not work.

There is my list to tackle here this week while I'm on vacation with my folks. I have a lot to say about my marriage, but the details are still very sensitive, and I've chosen another (private) blog to spill my thoughts there.

Driving by my house... but it wasn't really my house

On my way home from Vacation, I had to drive one hour farther than I used to have to drive. I wanted to stop in and be there and I wanted it to be my house again. I cried. I was angry. But I didn't go there. I wanted to snuggle up with my dog... I wanted to snuggle up on my old bed. We had a queen size tempurpedic bed.

The other day I was talking to my s.t.b.x. (soon to be ex) and he said he was watching t.v. in bed. I loved watching t.v. in bed. I miss that damn bed. It was warm and lovely -- I bought expensive linens for it at discount prices (I am most proud of the stark white 340 thread count all-cotton Tommy Hilfiger sheets that were over $100 originally... that I got for $30)... I made it my sanctuary. In fact, the entire bedroom was my creation, my sanctuary. White trim, a blue Amish style quilt, chrome and porcelain knobs on everything. I spent so much time in there, alone, that I wanted it to be my haven. And it was.

My heart is aching for the things I had to give up, in order to keep my sanity. I know, I know... in the big picture, it's just stuff. But in my heart... all of that stuff was a reflection of me. :(

Timing is Everything

Can you imagine the greiving that one goes through when a relationship ends? I talked with a guy at the office yesterday, who I learned is divorced. He told me that it changes you forever.... Been two years for him, and he's just now starting to emerge from the depression. He has a girlfriend back in Colorado... but they've both been there and don't want to get into it again.

In my life, I've never felt so guilty. Guilty for a relationship that spun out of control, and guily that I could not singlehandedly fix it. Guilty for not being able to convince my mentally disturbed spouse that he needed help, and NOW, and guilty for not "talking about it with someone", reminds my dear mother.

On the brighter side, I am starting to feel human again from my post-vacation illness. However it happened at 3 AM and now I'm wide awake, with the midnight editor quipping at my heels to get some things off my chest. I should say Midnight Editor... since He really is the one who calls the shots.

Let's talk about timing.
My brother and I were very close, growing up. We shared a dating philosophy that included the mantra "Why get rid of the old car before you get a new one?" Later, I have learned that others call this philosophy the Monkey Bar syndrome -- that one is afraid to leave their current situation and possibly fall to the bottom ... so they grab onto the next rung and hold on, through good and bad... maybe even especially when they should not have held on.

Looking back in my life, I can see that I have had a series of "emotional crutches" along the way. That is not bad. I will never say that is bad. When the alternative is spinning out of control... and you don't know where you are anyways... the people that I have leaned on for support are generally true friends of my own choosing. But oh, my spouse always thought they were terrible. See, I work in a male-dominated field. The odd person would chat with me about this thing or that thing... and there I would be, with an all-new confidant. There was never an affair. In the end... that is what I can say Babe, I loved with my heart and soul. I promised to never cheat, and I didn't. But you abandoned me somewhere along the track, and left my heart -- not to mention our love -- in the dusty and hot sun, to wither and die. But he always thought I was inappropriately engaged with my friends. In the name of being a Good Christian, he asked me over and over again to have a "chat" with my friends and then pull back. Let them know exactly that my husband did not approve of our friendliness, and then move on. Way to mark his territory -- he shoulda just pissed on me.

Part of my codependency was that I gave him ultimate authority to veto with whom I spent my time. I would ask persmission... presumably out of respect for him. But I knew what it was: an attempt to appease him and still get my own way. If I could circumvent him throwing a tantrum or ignoring me for a week (as was his typical behaviour when he was angry with me for hanging with a dear friend), I would try anything.... but nothing ever worked. My mentor calls his actions "stamp collecting" because at the time of the incident, everything is appearingly finished. Then, later on at the convenience of my flawed spouse (this is in no way to mean that I am flawless... I am referring to this in the "character flaw" sense)... he would trot out his collection of things I'd done to displease him, and stick it to me.

This is hurting my current relationships with friends, family, and loved ones. Why? Because when things go too good for a period of time, I mistrust them. Talk about the ultimate controller's fantasy! He is no longer here and the relic of my 10 year marriage is that I now believe that the people who love me most are just waiting for me to trust them and then they will hurt me. It's not their fault, but I sometimes treat them like it is. Sorry 'bout that.

It's sad... it's too bad...

Yesterday I found out that an old acquaintance of mine... my age... died over the weekend. Its always funny when it's someone who caused you controversy in life.... do you feel relief? Anger that you never got over whatever it was, and now can't tell them to their face? That seems like a hell of an attitude, but this isn't the first time I've been in this situation.

Immediately now, I'm wracked with guild for feeling the above... but in life, this person created complicated situations. His wife made my life all but intolerable at work. They were both my bosses.... My soon to be former spouse was pretty good friends with the guy since we all worked together, and the wife always fawned all over my guy. She pissed me off. OMG.. I just had a funny thought -- wouldn't it be hysterical if my "ex" sent his concolonces and ended up with her? I wouldn't like that... but maybe he would? Gross.

Back From the Frozen White North

But alas, it's true... every vacation has to end. Mine is peculiar -- of course I wouldn't be me unless I got sick at the end of my vacation... my neck feels like there is an 18-wheeler truck invading the right side of it. Fancy this: I was getting ahead of me before I left, and made a doctor's appointment FOR THAT VERY REASON! Yay me! Hehe...

So my sister was woefully disappointed at my return. She was expecting to meet me in St. Louis last weekend... it was our birthday. But I surprised her. It was fun for me, but she's sworn everyone to never lie to her again... ever. Whatever. We didn't lie to hurt... just to try to make a nice birthday surprise. And it turned to heck on us.

My mom told me that I'm a bigger woman than she is. Since she's lost almost 40 lbs., I'm starting to suspect that's true. *Yay Mom*. It's actually because I am not harbouring anger or resentment against my dear co-monozygote half for her sometimes controlling, sometimes downright bitchy attitude toward her childish and impish views of the world. She thinks she got a bum rap but what she fails to notice is that in life, one makes one's own luck. Dang it... she's seen me do it enough times... perhaps I make it look too easy?

Well, I'm still on eastern standard time, and I could not sleep... but I'm yawning again... so I'll just power down my new DSL service (Ba da da Dah da... I'm lovin' it!)