Huge Scare yesterday and today:
It's the kind of thing that makes your feet sweat. Palms too. But seriously... know when you're riding in a car and someone cuts you off... you get that huge adrenaline rush and then you freak the heck out and your heart is pounding and then your hands and feet sweat?
Well, I wasn't even in a car. I was actually in bed, propped up on three pillows, reading a Dan Brown book Damn him that he writes so well I can't ever put his books down! I digress. I did put the book down momentarily and adjusted myself -- let's be frank.. I was in bed and wasn't wearing anything but a nightshirt. Anyways, I found a lump in my breast.
Holy freaking moley! This is the 2nd one I've found in my lifetime. The first one was a calcification and this time, after a frantic trip to the hospital for an ultrasound yesterday -- a trip, I might mention, to the very same hospital and radiography department where my soon-to-be former spouse works -- and an equally frantic trip to my fabulous doctor today, I found that my breasts are fibrocystic. In essence, the only thing that means, is that I already have tons of lumps in my boobies, and have to pay extra attention to any changes that I experience. But it scared the crapola out of me.
Add to that the fact that I was dodging my spouse at the hospital, that I called him to run interference for myself ("hey, I just wanted to let you know this is what's going on, so when you see my name on the patient schedule, you won't freak out and try to find me"), and the reason behind one wicked tension headache starts to come to light. He called me late last night and offered to get my the results this morning. He's not supposed to.. but come on ... he has my ssn and my name... he actually can get me the results. However it sucks royal booty that if I'd taken him up on it, said hello at the hospital, or even ran into him and broke down crying... everything I've worked so hard for at this point, would have been undone. See... when we're sick, we just want a friend. And all I wanted in the world last night was a hug. There were no hugs, because I really don't know anyone well enough here, to ask them to sit at the hospital with me.
That brings me to my new revelation -- I need friends.
Friday, January 23, 2004
Thursday, January 22, 2004
"Hi, my name is Dorothy, and I'm an attention whore"
Have you any idea how I got myself here? I mean, to this place? I'm an educated woman. And I also have a history of being physically abused that goes back almost 17 years, to my very first boyfriend. Kids... that bastard raped me. I took nearly 10 years to fully admit to myself what happened, and that it was not my fault. The rage I needed to feel back then, was subdued by the fact that I wanted his attention, and his affection. (An interesting aside -- my then best friend married the best friend of the loser... she never showed me any support, and I'm still agog)
So I started counseling at the local women's center yesterday...
What is wrong with us, ladies? We view having a boyfriend as a kind of prize... then we stop talking to each other. My counselor pointed out this fact to me. She was totally right in my case. How many times have I said that I didn't like having women friends? How many women do I know that love their jobs in mostly-male fields? I am making me mad just thinking about what a total sell-out I've been to the female persuasion for almost 18 years!
Just to be sure
The abuse this time around was emotional. My counselor urged me to write our story... so I am. It really really hurts. But with God's help, I'll make it through.
FWIW
Sorry for being a jerk, girls. Really. I'm forever changed now. I always wanted to help young girls to realize that they needed to grow their own self-esteem and to never rely on a man for that... to make sure that women of all races and social standings have a fighting chance to not only be their own woman... but so that they never accept the just plain bad behavior that I'd been exposed to, even since my very first kiss.
Standby for me to continue evolving into the kind of woman that I have wanted to be all along.
Have you any idea how I got myself here? I mean, to this place? I'm an educated woman. And I also have a history of being physically abused that goes back almost 17 years, to my very first boyfriend. Kids... that bastard raped me. I took nearly 10 years to fully admit to myself what happened, and that it was not my fault. The rage I needed to feel back then, was subdued by the fact that I wanted his attention, and his affection. (An interesting aside -- my then best friend married the best friend of the loser... she never showed me any support, and I'm still agog)
So I started counseling at the local women's center yesterday...
What is wrong with us, ladies? We view having a boyfriend as a kind of prize... then we stop talking to each other. My counselor pointed out this fact to me. She was totally right in my case. How many times have I said that I didn't like having women friends? How many women do I know that love their jobs in mostly-male fields? I am making me mad just thinking about what a total sell-out I've been to the female persuasion for almost 18 years!
Just to be sure
The abuse this time around was emotional. My counselor urged me to write our story... so I am. It really really hurts. But with God's help, I'll make it through.
FWIW
Sorry for being a jerk, girls. Really. I'm forever changed now. I always wanted to help young girls to realize that they needed to grow their own self-esteem and to never rely on a man for that... to make sure that women of all races and social standings have a fighting chance to not only be their own woman... but so that they never accept the just plain bad behavior that I'd been exposed to, even since my very first kiss.
Standby for me to continue evolving into the kind of woman that I have wanted to be all along.
Thursday, January 15, 2004
Why it's easier to get ahead when you work with older people:
1) they get tired easier
2) not willing to sell their souls for the opportunity for advancement
3) generally less ambition
4) generally smaller visions (this is mainly due to the fact that they don't have a whole heck of a lotta life to live? I know not)
I just love older people. They have wisdom. Charm. Good Looks. Finesse. Suave, debonair, and intelligence. But they would never sell me down the river to get ahead in their own jobs. Not like people I used to work with.
Speaking of the people I used to work with -- some of them (not all) can just suck on my dirty socks. In my whole life, I have never until then experienced people who I believed to be devil-spawn. See, I try really hard with people. And I can understand if I'm just not someone's type... but I did everything in my damn power to get along, and there was always someone waiting just around the corner, waiting to sabotage me... to stab my back... to run me down in order to make themselves look better. PEOPLE GET A GRIP! We were all in the same boat, and instead of fighting against the Enemy, we were fighting amongst ourselves. Can't you see that?
1) they get tired easier
2) not willing to sell their souls for the opportunity for advancement
3) generally less ambition
4) generally smaller visions (this is mainly due to the fact that they don't have a whole heck of a lotta life to live? I know not)
I just love older people. They have wisdom. Charm. Good Looks. Finesse. Suave, debonair, and intelligence. But they would never sell me down the river to get ahead in their own jobs. Not like people I used to work with.
Speaking of the people I used to work with -- some of them (not all) can just suck on my dirty socks. In my whole life, I have never until then experienced people who I believed to be devil-spawn. See, I try really hard with people. And I can understand if I'm just not someone's type... but I did everything in my damn power to get along, and there was always someone waiting just around the corner, waiting to sabotage me... to stab my back... to run me down in order to make themselves look better. PEOPLE GET A GRIP! We were all in the same boat, and instead of fighting against the Enemy, we were fighting amongst ourselves. Can't you see that?
Big Vision
Driving into the office this morning, I realized two things: a) I wholeheartedly agree with conservative talk-show host Glenn Beck's opinion of G.W.'s idea that we go back to the moon. Now I know I'm stirring up controversy by the very mention of the moon... but bear with me okay? And 2) most of the people I know suffer from lack of vision.
Mr. Beck talked about "Big Vision." The kind of visionary that was needed to put us on the moon the first time around. When President Kennedy said "... we'll put a man on the moon by the end of the decade", many didn't want to believe it would happen. Even as late at 1967, a popular poll showed that it was a 50-50 split on whether the moon-shot was a good idea. Now look at the public's opinion of Mr. Kennedy -- they loved him for his vision... his forward thinking that advanced us from where we were in the 50s and 60s, to the teflon-using, velcro shoe-wearing people that we are today! (grant me peace, I stole most of this argument from Mr. Beck... but I agree, so here's a throw-out for credit where credit is due)
He went on to mention that the "American Way" is not one of vision. We sit in our back rooms and our board rooms and say "arrrrgh! That can't be done."... when in actuality, it *can* and probably *should* be done.... Just too many people are WAY too lazy to get off their fat fannies and do it! It's been said to me before, that I make things look really easy. Let me be the first to tell you that I'm not lucky, and I'm not motivated either -- it's just that I can't exactly justify not moving forward in my life if I'm sitting in judgment of myself or others, refusing to do the work that I know will get me to where I want to be! So if I ever make something look easy to you, rest-assured that it's actually very difficult, and I'm putting forth the effort, mainly to avoid the appearance of hippocracy (and for those that don't use monosyllabic words, mj, that does not mean hippopotomus-like. It's means "Jo-Double"-esque).
While we're on the subject of going to the moon... I have to admit that I believe that Neil Armstrong actually did physically amble on the moon. Despite what my vallium-needing, draino eating (at least I think he should) colleague has to say. See... this dude actually believes that his own father helped to participate in the moon-non-moon cover-up. Possibly so... but I believe that the no-moon coverup was a... not a red herring... but a cover-up, like just in case the moon landing went horribly wrong, that public opinion wouldn't be so jaded that they did not try to do make the moon-journy once again.
You're wondering what this all has to do with my blog? Kiddies... come on! It's about why my soon-to-be-ex always tells me that he hopes I find what I'm looking for. It's the same reason that I seem to move every 2-3 years, and why I seem restless. Because whatever I've learned from where I am and what I'm doing right now... I'm done with.. and I'm quite ready to move on to the next part of this wonderful Plan that God has for me!
Currently I can see this next Phase lasting at least 3 years. I mean the part about going to Grad school. I have these moments of doubt... then I hear very positive things from people who are looking out for me, looking over me, standing on the sidelines and cheering. Then there are the moments which I believe that I have this impression of myself that is way too good, and that nobody really thinks I'm all that great.
FYI to all concerned parties:
There is a big difference between dating, and going out with friends. Most recently I have chosen the latter... and it's just nice to be out of my apartment sometimes.
Driving into the office this morning, I realized two things: a) I wholeheartedly agree with conservative talk-show host Glenn Beck's opinion of G.W.'s idea that we go back to the moon. Now I know I'm stirring up controversy by the very mention of the moon... but bear with me okay? And 2) most of the people I know suffer from lack of vision.
Mr. Beck talked about "Big Vision." The kind of visionary that was needed to put us on the moon the first time around. When President Kennedy said "... we'll put a man on the moon by the end of the decade", many didn't want to believe it would happen. Even as late at 1967, a popular poll showed that it was a 50-50 split on whether the moon-shot was a good idea. Now look at the public's opinion of Mr. Kennedy -- they loved him for his vision... his forward thinking that advanced us from where we were in the 50s and 60s, to the teflon-using, velcro shoe-wearing people that we are today! (grant me peace, I stole most of this argument from Mr. Beck... but I agree, so here's a throw-out for credit where credit is due)
He went on to mention that the "American Way" is not one of vision. We sit in our back rooms and our board rooms and say "arrrrgh! That can't be done."... when in actuality, it *can* and probably *should* be done.... Just too many people are WAY too lazy to get off their fat fannies and do it! It's been said to me before, that I make things look really easy. Let me be the first to tell you that I'm not lucky, and I'm not motivated either -- it's just that I can't exactly justify not moving forward in my life if I'm sitting in judgment of myself or others, refusing to do the work that I know will get me to where I want to be! So if I ever make something look easy to you, rest-assured that it's actually very difficult, and I'm putting forth the effort, mainly to avoid the appearance of hippocracy (and for those that don't use monosyllabic words, mj, that does not mean hippopotomus-like. It's means "Jo-Double"-esque).
While we're on the subject of going to the moon... I have to admit that I believe that Neil Armstrong actually did physically amble on the moon. Despite what my vallium-needing, draino eating (at least I think he should) colleague has to say. See... this dude actually believes that his own father helped to participate in the moon-non-moon cover-up. Possibly so... but I believe that the no-moon coverup was a... not a red herring... but a cover-up, like just in case the moon landing went horribly wrong, that public opinion wouldn't be so jaded that they did not try to do make the moon-journy once again.
You're wondering what this all has to do with my blog? Kiddies... come on! It's about why my soon-to-be-ex always tells me that he hopes I find what I'm looking for. It's the same reason that I seem to move every 2-3 years, and why I seem restless. Because whatever I've learned from where I am and what I'm doing right now... I'm done with.. and I'm quite ready to move on to the next part of this wonderful Plan that God has for me!
Currently I can see this next Phase lasting at least 3 years. I mean the part about going to Grad school. I have these moments of doubt... then I hear very positive things from people who are looking out for me, looking over me, standing on the sidelines and cheering. Then there are the moments which I believe that I have this impression of myself that is way too good, and that nobody really thinks I'm all that great.
FYI to all concerned parties:
There is a big difference between dating, and going out with friends. Most recently I have chosen the latter... and it's just nice to be out of my apartment sometimes.
Thursday, January 01, 2004
A Happy New Year to All
And to all, a good night.
Not really. I'm actually working, still. NYE was my 10th wedding anniversary. My spouse called me in the morning, before I'd even left the office. That was a difficult call to take on several levels. The worst part is.. everyone says "Happy Anniversary". There was nothing happy about this one. Last year, things were in a state of tranquility at the Holidays. I suggested that we go to Cancun for our anniversary this year. He loves diving, and I wanted to do something nice. Know what? He never wanted to do anything. We hardly went anywhere, but what we could a)drive b)get back the same day or c)go fishing. So anyways, I thought of Cancun. He thought it was a great idea.. but the idea basically died that day.
Everything revolved around the money...
He never would sit down and budget with me. How I longed for him to come home from work early... even on time. But never. And he wouldn't even call. Then when he needed something (like eyeglasses), he claimed we didn't have enough. Not that we were ever truly poor in recent years. But think of this: I was not working for 6 weeks last summer because of a snatfu with a job-change. We lived nearly as well in that 6 weeks as previously. He worked constantly under the pretense that he wanted to give me everything I ever wanted. Pshaw!
So I'm not the best budgeter in the known universe... but we could have done it together. Instead, he would do things that I totally didn't ask for.. things that were frivolous and things i didn't want/need. It just makes me damn tired thinking about it.
Dating... Dating??? Dating!!!
So I've been gone for nearly 2 months and I'm starting to come out of that awful fog. But how do I feel about dating? It wouldn't be a far stretch to say that there is a true double standard for men vs. women in the realm of "after split-up" dating. A male colleague has been separated nearly as long as me... his friends have urged him to go on a date and he has. They're all supportive of him and eager to meet the new lady of his life.
Me? My mom wants me to get out and kick up my heels, but she admonished against dating before I've sorted things out. My "friends" (and by "friends" I mean "judgmental 'christians' with a little 'c'") are still praying for me to work things out with my spouse (which means they are waiting for me to "come to my senses and come back home"). Even my evil twin is warning me against dating too soon.
So then why do guys get to have all the fun?
And to all, a good night.
Not really. I'm actually working, still. NYE was my 10th wedding anniversary. My spouse called me in the morning, before I'd even left the office. That was a difficult call to take on several levels. The worst part is.. everyone says "Happy Anniversary". There was nothing happy about this one. Last year, things were in a state of tranquility at the Holidays. I suggested that we go to Cancun for our anniversary this year. He loves diving, and I wanted to do something nice. Know what? He never wanted to do anything. We hardly went anywhere, but what we could a)drive b)get back the same day or c)go fishing. So anyways, I thought of Cancun. He thought it was a great idea.. but the idea basically died that day.
Everything revolved around the money...
He never would sit down and budget with me. How I longed for him to come home from work early... even on time. But never. And he wouldn't even call. Then when he needed something (like eyeglasses), he claimed we didn't have enough. Not that we were ever truly poor in recent years. But think of this: I was not working for 6 weeks last summer because of a snatfu with a job-change. We lived nearly as well in that 6 weeks as previously. He worked constantly under the pretense that he wanted to give me everything I ever wanted. Pshaw!
So I'm not the best budgeter in the known universe... but we could have done it together. Instead, he would do things that I totally didn't ask for.. things that were frivolous and things i didn't want/need. It just makes me damn tired thinking about it.
Dating... Dating??? Dating!!!
So I've been gone for nearly 2 months and I'm starting to come out of that awful fog. But how do I feel about dating? It wouldn't be a far stretch to say that there is a true double standard for men vs. women in the realm of "after split-up" dating. A male colleague has been separated nearly as long as me... his friends have urged him to go on a date and he has. They're all supportive of him and eager to meet the new lady of his life.
Me? My mom wants me to get out and kick up my heels, but she admonished against dating before I've sorted things out. My "friends" (and by "friends" I mean "judgmental 'christians' with a little 'c'") are still praying for me to work things out with my spouse (which means they are waiting for me to "come to my senses and come back home"). Even my evil twin is warning me against dating too soon.
So then why do guys get to have all the fun?
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