In speaking with my former sis-in-law, the lovely and elegant Natalia... I've come to the realization that my ex, Nelson, was in fact, two people. The Good Times Nelson (GTN) whom I fell in love with and felt was my lifelong soul mate, and Bad Times Nelson (BTN) who systematically killed and then replaced GTN, permanently.
Natalia suggested that I mourn and grieve for what I lost. It's been 4 years now. But I have never grieved for the one who stayed by my side through melanoma... who made me dinner and gave me baths when I couldn't get up... the one who patted my back and encouraged me to live my life - "Viva tu Vida!" I would learn many years later from my good friend, Jose. Yes, Nelson was a good person. But he had a dark side.
BTN was envious of my accomplishments, embarrassed to be seen with someone so beautiful, who attracted so much attention. While he wished to fade away into the woodwork, I was tasked with doing all of the work. I grew up and he did not. I thrived and flourished and he did not. Now I am still thriving, and he is married to someone apparently old enough to be his mother. Who treats him like his mother. Bleh.
There are moments when I get all worked up and angry again. Now that I'm done with this post, it seems that my anger is mostly subsided. I think this is nearing the end. It is time for closure.
-Dot.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Friday. Blue Shirt. Donut Mouth.
I always seem to think that my picture is best taken by my camera phone, in my cube, wearing my favourite blue shirt, on Fridays. Maybe it's because my hair and makeup are always nice because I know it's date night? Perhaps it's donut euphoria? Anyways, a new profile pic 4 u to enjoi!
-Dot.
-Dot.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
A Pair of 4 O'Clocks: Tales of a Late-Blooming Couple
So Othello is back home from Japan, safe and sound. We've been discussing our relationship, and especially our future today. We are happy where we are... but this equilibrium will not last forever.
I always get this notion of myself that I'm gonna be the "best ever ____" ... fill in the blank. But I never am. And then when I finally get to the point where I am the best ever "whatever".... I'm so far beyond caring about that, that it's insignificant to me. How weird is that?
O openly admits that he's a late-bloomer in life and in love and in his career. I still can't get that into my head, but I know it's true, since I'm still scrapping to make a name for myself and I'm on the short run to 40 years old. But together, we are so happy to be blossoming at the same rate.
I told him we're a couple 4 O'Clocks (they're flowers). He said we're gonna live to be 100... so there is lots of time for us to accomplish tons of things :-)
Dot.
I always get this notion of myself that I'm gonna be the "best ever ____" ... fill in the blank. But I never am. And then when I finally get to the point where I am the best ever "whatever".... I'm so far beyond caring about that, that it's insignificant to me. How weird is that?
O openly admits that he's a late-bloomer in life and in love and in his career. I still can't get that into my head, but I know it's true, since I'm still scrapping to make a name for myself and I'm on the short run to 40 years old. But together, we are so happy to be blossoming at the same rate.
I told him we're a couple 4 O'Clocks (they're flowers). He said we're gonna live to be 100... so there is lots of time for us to accomplish tons of things :-)
Dot.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Midwestern Values or Women Creating Their Own Glass Ceilings?
Yesterday we had a going-away party for Patty. She is a very capable woman in her mid 40s, who is bright and driven. Full of hard work, she exudes strength and family values.
Before the cake was cut, Patty felt compelled to mention the reason she is leaving. I find that this is a common reason for women in my line of work... and while noble and also while it is the same thing I would do... it is further... the same reason that men generally have longer and more successful careers than women: her family obligations were making her late for work.... and she felt badly about it. Patty felt like she was letting down her colleagues by having to drop off her daughter to school, pick her son up from practice... all while her retired husband was on the golf course.
Far be it from me to make a judgment on her husband - because everyone has their own side of the story. But it seems selfish. Patty went on to cite her Midwestern Values and Lutheran Upbringing as reasons that her guilt for not performing to her own standards, is so strong.
I wanted to walk up to her, give her a good hug, sit down and chat ... to encourage her. On the one hand, it broke my heart that yet another role-model for women in this man-filled office (70% of the execs, including Patty, are women), to guilt and family obligations. Girls... doesn't there HAVE TO BE A BETTER WAY than quitting? If so, I don't know what it is.
In all fairness, I know that when the day comes for me to pee on a stick, and it turns blue... I will make my family life come first. There is no hesitation in my heart about that. None whatsoever. But my fondest desire is to find an alternative to quitting, or stepping down, or pairing back on my duties.
Here's to the fallen, the ones who stepped down, the ones who (I fear) feel inadequate because they can't do everything. Ladies, I'd like to see a man be a "working mom". No... when I first started in this male dominated field, I was incredibly jealous - we all did the same job. I was even better than those guys most of the time (girls have to be, to make a name for themselves). They would go home to a clean house, dinner on the table, and a nice stiff drink in their easy-chair while reading the paper. I went home to dirty laundry and a bastard of a husband who expected me to pour him a drink, wash his socks, cook his supper and perform whatever else he expected his wife to do. My statement to them? Hey... I want a wife, too!
Here's to Chicks and their Careers. Live Long and Prosper!
Before the cake was cut, Patty felt compelled to mention the reason she is leaving. I find that this is a common reason for women in my line of work... and while noble and also while it is the same thing I would do... it is further... the same reason that men generally have longer and more successful careers than women: her family obligations were making her late for work.... and she felt badly about it. Patty felt like she was letting down her colleagues by having to drop off her daughter to school, pick her son up from practice... all while her retired husband was on the golf course.
Far be it from me to make a judgment on her husband - because everyone has their own side of the story. But it seems selfish. Patty went on to cite her Midwestern Values and Lutheran Upbringing as reasons that her guilt for not performing to her own standards, is so strong.
I wanted to walk up to her, give her a good hug, sit down and chat ... to encourage her. On the one hand, it broke my heart that yet another role-model for women in this man-filled office (70% of the execs, including Patty, are women), to guilt and family obligations. Girls... doesn't there HAVE TO BE A BETTER WAY than quitting? If so, I don't know what it is.
In all fairness, I know that when the day comes for me to pee on a stick, and it turns blue... I will make my family life come first. There is no hesitation in my heart about that. None whatsoever. But my fondest desire is to find an alternative to quitting, or stepping down, or pairing back on my duties.
Here's to the fallen, the ones who stepped down, the ones who (I fear) feel inadequate because they can't do everything. Ladies, I'd like to see a man be a "working mom". No... when I first started in this male dominated field, I was incredibly jealous - we all did the same job. I was even better than those guys most of the time (girls have to be, to make a name for themselves). They would go home to a clean house, dinner on the table, and a nice stiff drink in their easy-chair while reading the paper. I went home to dirty laundry and a bastard of a husband who expected me to pour him a drink, wash his socks, cook his supper and perform whatever else he expected his wife to do. My statement to them? Hey... I want a wife, too!
Here's to Chicks and their Careers. Live Long and Prosper!
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
He Beleagures Me....
First... don't ask... look it up.
Upon checking my voice mails after a coffee break... I find that "not-so-Mister-Wonderful" has called me again, waxing poetic about long-dead memories. I have asked him to stop calling for reasons not work-related, at least 5 times. He doesn't get it.
It must be obvious to anyone who knows me... that his constant reminders of that which did not work out... is a source of sour memories to me. My question to anyone reading is: shouldn't it be better by now? It's been a year already.... My usual over-analysis aside, it apparently affected me so deeply that I just want to let it fade away. The breakup was for a difference in life goals, not a lack of love (on my part). He initiated the deal-breaker.
So why does it hurt so bad, still? I don't actually want to be with him at all.. or talk with him. Or think about him in any manner. And it angers me that he will not leave him alone. For good or bad, I emailed M.W. this afternoon and said that if he doesn't stop emailing and calling me, I would file harassment charges and have Othello call him up "for a chat".
To be totally honest - for a few months after I broke up with him... it was really flattering that M.W. would call all of the time. I missed him and appreciated his continuing friendship. But the fun and games are over and he is moving into harassment and I don't like it anymore.
Wonder how his affianced would feel about all of this? Othello and I both don't think they'll even make it down the aisle (unless M.W. is really the gold-digger of the situation).
C'est La Vie. It is not for me to worry about unless he bothers me again.
-Dot.
P.S. Maybe we all should keep M.W. in our prayers. He's a messed up little puppy.
Upon checking my voice mails after a coffee break... I find that "not-so-Mister-Wonderful" has called me again, waxing poetic about long-dead memories. I have asked him to stop calling for reasons not work-related, at least 5 times. He doesn't get it.
It must be obvious to anyone who knows me... that his constant reminders of that which did not work out... is a source of sour memories to me. My question to anyone reading is: shouldn't it be better by now? It's been a year already.... My usual over-analysis aside, it apparently affected me so deeply that I just want to let it fade away. The breakup was for a difference in life goals, not a lack of love (on my part). He initiated the deal-breaker.
So why does it hurt so bad, still? I don't actually want to be with him at all.. or talk with him. Or think about him in any manner. And it angers me that he will not leave him alone. For good or bad, I emailed M.W. this afternoon and said that if he doesn't stop emailing and calling me, I would file harassment charges and have Othello call him up "for a chat".
To be totally honest - for a few months after I broke up with him... it was really flattering that M.W. would call all of the time. I missed him and appreciated his continuing friendship. But the fun and games are over and he is moving into harassment and I don't like it anymore.
Wonder how his affianced would feel about all of this? Othello and I both don't think they'll even make it down the aisle (unless M.W. is really the gold-digger of the situation).
C'est La Vie. It is not for me to worry about unless he bothers me again.
-Dot.
P.S. Maybe we all should keep M.W. in our prayers. He's a messed up little puppy.
My Love.... Are You Ready?
There is a song by Little Texas that goes
Chatting with Othello last night... online, I feel like I'm in a pretty neutral spot in my life when he's not around... and then we speak and my whole world starts spinning again. My heart is pumping, it's sure and it's strong.
His note this morning said "In a day, I will begin my journey back home, back to you." Swoon. Othello is not a poet, nor is he a romantic. So although his words often seem mundane... even the slightest hint of emotion must truly be internally significant.
My Love,To me that's a man saying to the woman that he loves "My heart is in the right spot, I want to be with you now and always".
Are you ready for my love
My Love?
My Love,
My love is ready for you
If you're lookin' for a heart that's always true
Only to you
Then my love...
My Love
My love is ready for you
Chatting with Othello last night... online, I feel like I'm in a pretty neutral spot in my life when he's not around... and then we speak and my whole world starts spinning again. My heart is pumping, it's sure and it's strong.
His note this morning said "In a day, I will begin my journey back home, back to you." Swoon. Othello is not a poet, nor is he a romantic. So although his words often seem mundane... even the slightest hint of emotion must truly be internally significant.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
I Can Live Without him... but I Don't Wanna!
Othello is still in Japan. Some bizarre thing has happened to me since he's left: I am still surviving on my own. In fact, Othello is not here to solve my problems, not here to listen to my every utterance... and the world still turns.... Albeit a bit darker without his hand to hold, without his breath in my ear, whispering encouraging words.
He spoke with me last night for the first time in over a week. You know, there is a big difference between needing someone and wanting someone around. I definitely want Othello in my life. He mentioned that when he returns, he will lighten his workload and be there for me. I love that.
Working out my inner demons is something that I needed to do alone. And unfortunately I was not capable of claiming that space for myself. But through all of the unexpected and unwelcome surprises, the strength that permeates me as a human being is phenomenal - it's almost unbelievable that instead of having a hissy-fit, I can choose my reaction.
Anyways, the big deal is that it's okay to be alone once in a while. Sometimes God has plans for us that we can't hear until everything has quieted down and there is nothing left except for the crickets.
BTW... here's a picture of my man, on what he called "The Hakuba Death March"... yes, he's wearing a helmet, goggles, and a snowboard strapped to his back..
He spoke with me last night for the first time in over a week. You know, there is a big difference between needing someone and wanting someone around. I definitely want Othello in my life. He mentioned that when he returns, he will lighten his workload and be there for me. I love that.
Working out my inner demons is something that I needed to do alone. And unfortunately I was not capable of claiming that space for myself. But through all of the unexpected and unwelcome surprises, the strength that permeates me as a human being is phenomenal - it's almost unbelievable that instead of having a hissy-fit, I can choose my reaction.
Anyways, the big deal is that it's okay to be alone once in a while. Sometimes God has plans for us that we can't hear until everything has quieted down and there is nothing left except for the crickets.
BTW... here's a picture of my man, on what he called "The Hakuba Death March"... yes, he's wearing a helmet, goggles, and a snowboard strapped to his back..
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Sixteen Big Ones
Doing my taxes the other day.... I made 16 more big ones this year than last year. What exactly do I have to show for it? Unknown, as I am 10 big ones more in the hole than last year too.
Guess my lifestyle is doing okay. I dress well, eat too much and drive a 2003 vehicle. It's not like I have a 1984 Yugo or anything.... (smirk). Oh, I travelled thrice last year. And I don't have a sugar-daddy anymore (as if I ever did)... what else?
Anyways, the cost of living is high in California. But sixteen big ones bigger? Wow. I should be getting my loans and such paid off and saving and giving more. Pray for me to do just that.
Dot.
Guess my lifestyle is doing okay. I dress well, eat too much and drive a 2003 vehicle. It's not like I have a 1984 Yugo or anything.... (smirk). Oh, I travelled thrice last year. And I don't have a sugar-daddy anymore (as if I ever did)... what else?
Anyways, the cost of living is high in California. But sixteen big ones bigger? Wow. I should be getting my loans and such paid off and saving and giving more. Pray for me to do just that.
Dot.
I Can't Effing Believe I Did That!!!
That loving, loving man I call my boyfriend is in Japan and I totally had a melt-down over a couple of stupid things this morning that are creating jealousy in my life.
I blew up because his house is riddled with signs of ex girlfriends - a random note under a stack of magazines, a lipstick-kissed envelope in a book, a picture taken in Vegas. So I came home from work, checked my email, and then got a box and "sanitized" his house.
And while I was putting all of the notes and pictures in what my family has endearingly called "The X Files" for years (mom's is full of pictures and gifts from me and ex-boyfriends-a-plenty), darling Othello was IM'ing me all the way from Nagano. He logged off before I stopped having my hissy-fit and checked my messages again.
Othello misses me too. He said so. And I'm sitting here crying my eyes out, rueful of the day I was born, missing him bad. In case anyone missed it ... here' s a news-flash: I have fallen deeply in love with this man. The "take-your-breath-away" kind that keeps you up at night, hoping against all hope that your undying love is reciprocated in some way.
Peace, love, and thanks for listening to my latest screw-ball attempt at being an adult.
Dot.
I blew up because his house is riddled with signs of ex girlfriends - a random note under a stack of magazines, a lipstick-kissed envelope in a book, a picture taken in Vegas. So I came home from work, checked my email, and then got a box and "sanitized" his house.
And while I was putting all of the notes and pictures in what my family has endearingly called "The X Files" for years (mom's is full of pictures and gifts from me and ex-boyfriends-a-plenty), darling Othello was IM'ing me all the way from Nagano. He logged off before I stopped having my hissy-fit and checked my messages again.
Othello misses me too. He said so. And I'm sitting here crying my eyes out, rueful of the day I was born, missing him bad. In case anyone missed it ... here' s a news-flash: I have fallen deeply in love with this man. The "take-your-breath-away" kind that keeps you up at night, hoping against all hope that your undying love is reciprocated in some way.
Peace, love, and thanks for listening to my latest screw-ball attempt at being an adult.
Dot.
Monday, March 05, 2007
Alone for Two Weeks!
Othello is in Japan, snowboarding. I am staying at his house, because my house is apparently in "Heroin Heights"... an up and coming neighborhood downtown :-(
You know, his house is no fun without him around. I was looking for a stapler in his desk last night and found some nasty note he had written about his exes. Not the mean kind of nasty either. My choices are to get really angry or to say "that was in the past". Either way.... it will look like I am being petty and like I was snooping if I mention it. Blah.
I've been thinking that it's a lot like when the folks would go away when I was younger. I could drink out of the milk carton, put my feet up on the couch, and not make my bed! With Othello out of the country, I've been walking around the living room without my slippers and not using coasters on the coffee table. Last night, horror of horrors, I did not wash the dishes. Now there are two bowls and four cups in the sink, unwashed! Unclean! OMG.
He will be home a week from this Friday. Not too long at all. Wonder if he even misses me? He was really edgy before he left and had I argued back... we would have fought. He grabbed my cell phone out of my hand in frustration. How does one react? Is that kind of outburst forgivable? We are not even married... Would I consider being in a long term relationship with another person who treats me like that?
My nerves are shot.
You know, his house is no fun without him around. I was looking for a stapler in his desk last night and found some nasty note he had written about his exes. Not the mean kind of nasty either. My choices are to get really angry or to say "that was in the past". Either way.... it will look like I am being petty and like I was snooping if I mention it. Blah.
I've been thinking that it's a lot like when the folks would go away when I was younger. I could drink out of the milk carton, put my feet up on the couch, and not make my bed! With Othello out of the country, I've been walking around the living room without my slippers and not using coasters on the coffee table. Last night, horror of horrors, I did not wash the dishes. Now there are two bowls and four cups in the sink, unwashed! Unclean! OMG.
He will be home a week from this Friday. Not too long at all. Wonder if he even misses me? He was really edgy before he left and had I argued back... we would have fought. He grabbed my cell phone out of my hand in frustration. How does one react? Is that kind of outburst forgivable? We are not even married... Would I consider being in a long term relationship with another person who treats me like that?
My nerves are shot.
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