Chemistry and Physics: Love ain't that simple

Falling in love was something that I had never given much thought to. Meeting someone new, clicking... then the wondering... that fleeting, flying feeling like you might be in love in a few weeks. The giddy, can't-eat-anything crazy-mad pit of your stomach knowing that you can't stop this train. Spending every spare minute with them, talking on the phone, meeting at the most inane times/ places.

I went on a sum total of two dates with Charlie. I've seen him maybe 4 or 5 times. We email almost daily. There is an emotional bond that was present the very first time we met. Our chemistry together was outrageous. Even uncomfortable. We fit.

Yes, yes, I know that it's hard to say that one could fall for someone that quickly. Well it's been like 6 weeks or more. And that bond is no less than before. Without spending time together, without much talking. With only sharing and letters, and a couple of heartfelt talks, staring into eachother's eyes... he told me he likes - yes, loves me.

Now I'm thinking it too: isn't this the same man who broke my heart with the Russian bride-to-be? Yup. And isn't this the guy who I said would never see me again? Yup. But as I've said, love ain't that simple.

The Golden Sky

Watching the world go by on two wheels
Listening to my favorite sounds in the world
Finally a cool evening breeze flows through my hair
Finally my sweaty neck evaporates to some relief

Rounding the curve and going uphill
I saw the place where we first met
It smelled like it did on that day
And I saw a train and thought of your smile

Coming home through town
the trees were backlit with sunlight
Couples were walking after dinner
and I was thinking of me with you one day

A lazy evening and some red wine
A phone call that I did not want
A bubble bath and more of my 5star tunes
You won't leave my mind, my heart, my soul

Could this be love?

Brave Fronts.... and Vegas Lounge Lizards

So the Vegas Lounge Lizard called me tonight. We chatted online this morning and he's a hoot. Seriously, a lounge singer. He chatters so fast and furious and has a great sense of humour. Not sure that there's chemistry there, though.

Charlie sent me another midnight choo-choo message. You recall how he broke my heart some weeks ago? He is still going through a personal crisis and is trying to figure out what he wants. I'm getting the impression that Dorothy is fitting the bill as of late. So not only has my heart broken... but my feelings never went away - I think I'm feeling something deeper now. It scares me.

Every time I see a man who looks like Charlie, my heart hurts. It makes me cry inside to see someone who reminds me of the intense chemistry, the emotion. But is he what I want, or what do I want? He is smart, caring and emotionally stable (except the choice of a 2nd Russian Bride). And I, like Meridith Grey, want my McDreamy to "Choose Me"....

Yes, I Do Feel Like A Rhinestone Cowgirl....

Okay.... so my big project was unveiled last week. Suffice it to say that a man openly wept when it was revealed. He had tears in his eyes and said "Now God can rest..." Have you ever heard such a thing?

Anyways, I've been working on this project so hard. And putting myself on the line for my work and my career for better than 7 years. Finally there's a crack in that dag-bern glass ceiling: My boss offered that my next project is one of my own choosing, my own design, and dad-gum-it, I can use it for my doctoral dissertation! Oh, and it's the Chairman's main point of interest right now. Nice.

In honor of hard work, I'll give a momentary shout out to all of you who work hard for your dreams. Lemme tell ya: I JUST SEEN THE MOUNTAINTOP!

Rhinestone Cowboy by Glenn Campbell

I've been walkin' these streets so long
Singin' the same old song
I know every crack in these dirty sidewalks of Broadway
Where hustle's the name of the game
And nice guys get washed away like the snow and the rain
There's been a load of compromisin'
On the road to my horizon
But I'm gonna be where the lights are shinin' on me

Like a rhinestone cowboy
Riding out on a horse in a star-spangled rodeo
Like a rhinestone cowboy
Getting cards and letters from people I don't even know
And offers comin' over the phone

Well, I really don't mind the rain
And a smile can hide all the pain
But you're down when you're ridin' the train
that's takin' the long way
And I dream of the things I'll do
With a subway token and a dollar tucked inside my shoe
There'll be a load of compromisin'
On the road to my horizon
But I'm gonna be where the lights are shinin' on me

Like a rhinestone cowboy
Riding out on a horse in a star-spangled rodeo
Rhinestone cowboy
Gettin' cards and letters from people I don't even know
And offers comin' over the phone
Like a rhinestone cowboy
Riding out on a horse in a star-spangled rodeo

FADE
Like a rhinestone cowboy
Gettin' card and letters from people I don't even know

A New Favourite

If you like Harry Connik Jr.... If you like Michael Buble'..... if you like your ears and want to give them a treat... Listen to Jamie Cullum. From the tone of some of his songs, I believe that he may have a few Christian numbers, as well.

Anyways, listen to my man Jamie! Hot Darn!

--Dot.

Well Good Monday to you too!

My weekend was quite eventful, although it hasn't been decided if good or bad yet.

Friday, I went out with the Pilot. I asked him out. The peril in doing that, is you never know if he's interested in you, or if he's just hanging with you so that he doesn't have to be alone. The good part? I LAUGHED UNTIL MY FACE HURT! That boy is funnier than anyone I can ever remember.

Saturday I worked and ended up trading emails with Charlie, while he was choo-chooing. The problem with that, was that Yahoo!'s new beta email system cc'd the Pilot on one of those messages. Nothing incriminatory, but probably didn't inspire confidence. Dumb girl. He didn't call last night either. He's called every Sunday for the past 3 weeks, so you know it was kind of expected... sigh.

Sunday, came and went with almost no notice. Almost. I went to coffee with my laptop, and thoroughly enjoyed writing a part of my article there. When ideas come to mind and you put them down on paper, artistically... I LOVE THAT! So M.W. called because we're collaborating on this. I needed more data and it would take like 3 days for me to receive a FedEx. We met last night for dinner. A little friendship, a little heartache, and a little satisfaction that he still misses me enough to cry and tell me he made mistakes too.

Here's what I want: This will be a good week. The Pilot will ask me out again. The training that I am facilitating will go well.

wamhas!

dot.

A New Favourite Quote

From last night's episode of Hell's Kitchen:

"I may be a total idiot as a person.... But I'm a damn good chef!" -- Sara

I'm rootin' for this girl to win. Hahaha!

Truth, honesty, and Drama drama drama!

Thanks to all of my friends, for your sage advice on telling the truth to my dates. Rainbow-boy never returned my message regarding the lack of chemistry between us. And if he ever reads this, which I doubt because he would have no idea that it is about him, "I'm sorry that I didn't tell the truth the first time"....

Saturday was a busy day for me. My date with Pilot was at 6 am - he changed his whole day's schedule around, just so that we could meet for coffee. Nice guy, great Puppers (a Husky) and very friendly.

At 8, Choo Choo Charlie and his friends dropped by my office and we went for coffee again. That boy is still giving all of the signals of being totally into me... even though he contends that we are just friends.... But come on let's be honest.... The chemistry, the karma that we both feel when one another's presence is undeniable. But it is hardly fair that he get jealous when I date others... he's still engaged to a Russian and has a lot of other baggage. Anyways, Charlie BBQ'd last night with friends, and it was a fun hang-out. His friends are a hoot and they really think I'm alrighty, too.

Enough drama already!

M.W. called after midnight last night. He and his psycho-lady friend spent the weekend in Tahoe, and I was pissed off that he had exercised such poor poor judgment in getting involved with someone so obviously messed-up as this woman. There have been so many warning signs, and that is just what he has been telling me! So the midnight phone-call.... she did go psycho last night. And they broke up this morning. But I think they'll get back together because he, like me being involved with my ex huband, loves her manic side enough to make excuses for the Psycho and take the risk that the remainder of his living years are going to be freaking miserable (much like the decade-long struggle with my ex was).

My goal toward M.W. is to give him the facts about loving someone who is crazy. But ultimately he will be the one to ignore twelve hard-earned years of experience on my part. And I refuse to enable a good friend acting like a love-fool. I'd love to say that I believe M.W. can extricate himself. But after only a month he's allegedly "in love" it's going to be anybody's guess as to the outcome here. May the Lord watch over him.

--Dot.

Many Choices... and the Choices that we make...

I wrote at least two paragraphs about the man-melodrama du jour. It's as if I even care about them. What I care about is where my life is headed... and that it's going to be happy.

The problems with all of the dating choices that we make is "how do we know if we've made the right choice?" Not until it's too late, many times. If you go into the way-back maschine when I was married... I used to think that "you just know" when it's right. But my experience with Nelson, my ex, M.W., the old boyfriend, and Choo-choo Charlie, the 2-time two-timing dater tells me that instincts can no longer be trusted.

Rainbow, someone I dated two months ago and didn't want to see again, called. I'd apparently made up some lie about why I wouldn't date him again... that I wasn't over the old boyfriend. And this is where it gets dicey. Because I've just got to tell Rainbow that it's not going to work out between the two of us...

What was I thinking?

The Happy Homemaker - Discoveries on a Day at Home

Wow, what a week. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Boy, by the time I discovered I'd been duped by Choo-choo Charlie last week, I was such an emotional basket-case. Sheesh, I shouldn't say that, because Charlie is actually trying to straighten his life around. Perhaps it's my moral fiber that convinced him to be honest with me?

Anyways, I have been on emotionally rocky ground, and it was amazing to finally gain insight about the crap I've been through this week. Yeah, I was totally rushing into that emotional thing. The chemistry was insane, and would you believe how real it felt? Although I am convinced that God put me there for not just Charlie to reighn it in a bit... but for me to do the same, as well. Wow, was that an ugly lesson! I JUST WANTED TO BE LOVED!!!

Halfway through the week, it was such a treat when Pilot, who has been emailing me for several weeks, finally called me on the phone. Chatting with him has reminded me what it's like to have fun, to find a friend, and that I'm gettin' so serious about finding my life-partner, that I'm forgetting to enjoy life!

Pilot called me last night and twice already today. A very busy man, but my age, no kids, no exes. And he flies for fun. It makes me smile to think he is thinking about me enough to call two times in one day!

I've been cleaning house all day and rediscovered the beauty of floor-wax. Mop-n-Glo, baby!! Now I'm in for the afternoon, and watching O Brother! Where Art Thou!

Why God?

I'm still struggling to understand what happened last week. I mean with Choo-choo Charlie. It's not like I was in love with him, although there were some pretty intense feelings there after only a couple of days.

Perhaps that I bared my soul to him and he betrayed the obvious trust that I put into him is the culprit? Yes, I believe so. Why is it that betrayal actually hurts more, causes more bitterness than a lost love? The anger associated with it.

I AM SO ANGRY. Not just regular angry. The kind of angry where you think "Well, I guess that I'm going to have to go the rest of my life without anyone in it, because obviously no one is capable of being loving or trusting!"

Looking back to the very first blog I posted in November of 2003 (look over on the right side, scroll to Nov 2003, click, and go to the bottom of the page), I was angry then and couldn't eat. The most I've eaten each day for the past 5 days, is a half-sandwich and some coffee. Why do I have these physical symptoms?

And why do I want to automatically castrate every man I see, just so he can f__k with me?

I know that you have my best interests at the center of your purpose, Lord, but what possible outcome would my being duped accomplish? I'm still trusting you, but it's hard.

Dorothy.

Untitled, for CcC

Since the very beginning of my sentient life, I've had a purpose. God gave it to me, and He has steered me from one place to another throughout life.

That is why I am so mystified about this current situation. This desire in my life to work hard and advance my career.... and even more the desire to find a mate and make a family and lovely and meaningful life together. Why does it drive me? What does it drive me to?

Someone swept me off my feet on Friday. I thought he was The One. We meshed. Clicked, swooned, fell -- hard and fast. He took me to coffee, to dinner, then walking through a rose garden. We laughed, we looked at the sky, smelled the magnolias and walked barefoot through the grass. It made me feel giddy, how much I trusted him.

We danced barefoot in the grass, in the gathering dusk, while I hummed Frank Sinatra's "Fly Me to the Moon".... He held my hand as we walked... then his arm around my shoulder... my waist. Spun me around and looked deep into my eyes. This man said over and over how I looked into his soul. He would laugh spontaneously because it was so bizarre to him.

Oddly lightening the mood... he said "Tag" and kissed my cheek, danced me around in a circle and covered my cheeks. We swung our hands as we walked to a weird objet de' art display across the street. Leaning against a wall, he held me in his arms. Never in his life, he said, had he smiled so much. Most of his days were spent with worry, sadness, fatigue and angst, and Dorothy breathed life into him.

His long hours kept us from talking on Saturday (so I thought), and we emailed a lot about our pasts and baggage. Yesterday was a lengthy phone conversation where my mind was racing into a place where a potential relationship was developing. I was falling, fast and hard. He accepted my faults, he talked about his children -- about how I would notice certain virtues about each of them.

Tired tongues and exhausted minds, we were starting our goodbyes. Then he said there was something he was going to tell me the next day, that was a pretty big gap in what he'd told me. Sigh. Okay... shoot.

He is engaged to a woman that he met online, then went to visit in Russia. This woman is practically my twin (not Jayleigh, but a Soviet Sophisticate) in appearance, background and education. She has a hellion-spawn, apparently. And two more degrees than me. And doesn't speak English. And is not here.

And I'm here. And I wanted to take it slow. And I wanted to discover who this man was... not be completely dependent on him. And I trusted him with my heart and it turned out that I also give him the power to squish it between his strong hands... which he did. No, he didn't want to. In fact, I don't think he knows what he wants. All of these choices he made were a mere reaction to the devastation that one feels when they go through a tremendous loss such as a divorce.

Looking back at my own history, I see that I cleaved to M.W. and he to me, because it felt like we were drowning. This guy said the same thing to me last night. He thought he was drowning and didn't know what to do. Now he's made this commitment and thinks he knows what to do... But he is confused.

This was supposed to be a dissertation about what God wants for my life. So here's the question: Why did He have to bring this "Mr. Perfect", this Choo-choo Charlie into my life? What purpose did it serve, except to make me lose faith in the Grand Design?

If he and I had met months ago, we might be together today. Timing stinks, and losing the potential for something so perfect and so right just breaks my little heart. But it is so wrong.

The perfection of the first 48 hours of this thing is poisoned. And that is only because Charlie is dating me when he should be examining the feelings he has for his fiance'. A dark cloud has come over me today, but beyond the ugly feelings I am having... My concern is for him, and that he doesn't make a catastrophic mistake.

How many people do you know who spent a few weeks with someone 9 months ago, offered to marry her, and then is expecting to meet with her again in a couple of months, as though nothing has changed? Sounds like lunacy to me.

But that's just me.

Perhaps God's idea is that I not trust my feelings. Not look for love. Look for the practical. Look for the one to build my life with and not necessarily one who I find exciting... just compatable. But.... but I can't stop believing that there is someone out there like Charlie, for me.

Peace out.

Dorothy.

Pond Scum

Here is what I believe:

That I have been fearful of getting too deep with anyone, so I am sucking on pond-scum.

Choo-choo Charlie got engaged to a Russian woman two months after his divorce was filed, because he felt like the world was ending. (Much like I did with M.W.).

His Russan would-be Bride will be here in August. Fine timing Chooch!

You picked me and you picked now, to question whether your lady-love is real. She hasn't met your kids, your family, and speaks no English. Tsk Tsk!

I feel for you Choo-choo Charlie. I fell for you Choo-choo Charlie.
Damn you to hell for using me!

Always,
Dorothy

You're In Love...

Wilson Phillips - You're in Love

Open the door and come in,
I´m so glad to see you my friend,
I don´t know how long it´s been
Havin'these feelings again
And now I see that you're so happy, and oohhh
It just sets me free and I like to
see us as good friends as we used to be
My love,

Chorus
You're in love
That´s the way it should be
´Cause I want you to be happy
You're in love
And I know
That you're not in love with me, oohhh
It´s enough for me to know that you're in love
Now I let you go´Cause I know that you're in love

Sometimes it´s hard to believe
That you're never coming back for me
I have this dream that you´d always be by my side
Ooh, I could've died
But now I see that you're so happy
(see that you're so happy)
Ooohh, It just sets me free and
I'd like to see us as good friends
as we used to be
My love

You're in love
That´s the way it should be
´Cause I want you to be happy
You're in love
And I know That you're not in love with me,
oohh
It´s enough for me to know that you're in love
I can let you go
´Cause I know that you are in love

I tried to find you
But you were so far away
I was praying that they would bring you back to me
Someday (someday), someday (someday)
woohhh, you're in love

Happy for MW

He's a Choo Choo Charlie and a Class Act!

So Brawny effed it all up but who cares! I'm going out tonight with Choo-Choo Charlie (see if you can get the "Amazing Race" throwback)... he's amazing!

Alright, so he's had a somewhat debaucherous life. When he lived in Russia (oh yes he did), and any stories he tells about the place make me wonder about his moral turpitude. But hearing how his life has changed, hearing about changing his attitudes toward many of the superficial things in life? Choo Choo Charlie is almost boy-Dorothy!

Cute, kind, loves kids, is a great dad, works hard, is emotional... If he's not careful, I'll be attracted like a moth to a flame. Girls... we've got a hot 'un here!

Dot.


P.S. we talked at filibuster length last night.... I love talkers.