The holiday weekend has been difficult on me. Of couse, M.W. and I always did tons of stuff, and he's practically living over at his lady-friend's house. (I said practically!). It hurts so much.
And Destiny is having fun with her friends and family. And Brawny's son is in town. And I'm trying to ward off a crush I have on Kilo, so we can't see eachother.
So what's a girl to do, to keep herself from being sad and lonely? The pact I made with myself this weekend is "Whatever it Takes" regardless of cost or loss... WHATEVER IT TAKES!
On Saturday I worked and was pretty much a basket-case. In the late afternoon I decided to go to a church service. That started helping. Yesterday I got up at 6 am. Watched my favourite tv program (Sunday morning) and drank coffee. Had more coffee on the back balcony, took a long hot bath, shaved my legs, picked out a fetching outfit of white slacks and mango top, got a coffee-to-go from my fave place and walked 2 miles to the art museum and milled around looking at my favorite form of artistry: the classic Dutch painters.
In the afternoon, I trekked to a favorite Mexican restarurant and ordered my food and a beer. Ate it. Across the street was a movie theater, but my show didn't start for an hour. I went to a bargain-basement store and bought a Candy-apple red Liz Claiborn "alligator" purse for $20! Then over to the Da Vinci Code. Loved the book, liked the movie. Back home, I watched a movie that Kilo gave to me last weekend, then went for an 8 mile bike ride. Showered, got back in the car to hunt down some pancakes. I ended up with Mexican again. And an apple pie. Watched everything that was on my TiVo, got silly on a few glasses of Chardonnay.... talked with M.W. about our ongoing project (he's always too busy for me. Used to be too busy with work to spend some private time. Now he's too busy with his lady-friend to work with me), talked with Kilo about his ex-fiancee' trying to get him back, and went to bed by 10.
My tactic worked! Today may indeed end up being a 40+ mile bike-ride, just to keep my mind on trace.
Whatever It Takes!
Peace,
Dorothy.
Monday, May 29, 2006
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Do I make you proud?
After watching "American Idol" Taylor Hicks for the win last week, I couldn't help but feel like he was singing a song that I wanted to ask God... "Do I make you proud?"
Last night I went to church for the first time since the breakup. The pastor is okay and the church was okay (although they angered me when they acted all cliquish and the people were a little less Oklahoma-nice and a little more California-better'n you.
I was surprised also to receive a phone-call last night from Kilo. He asked what I was up to and when I said that church was my hot Saturday night date.... he asked if he could join me! Now *that's* awesome!
Brawny did not call... not that I expected him to, but he could have emailed. We talked Friday night and he mentioned calling on Monday and getting together. But I can't hold off my entire weekend. Perhaps I should not be available... Now now boys... don't get jacked out of shape -- seriously! Women want to know that they count. And YOUR planning ahead can accomplish just that!
MW is now fully entrenched (5 dates in 4 days) with an older, shorter, closer version of me. I'm sure she has more redeeming qualities than that. Namely, that she's less than an hour away, has a pulse, and lives in the city which he so snobbishly adores being a part.... oh, she has the odd-jobs of a college co-ed, and she needs to be "fixed".... So he finds her irrestable.
Once I asked him why he didn't leave me. He said that he didn't think I could stand on my own yet. Um. Thanks. On behalf of all women everywhere: WE DON'T NEED YOUR HELP!
~~~
So my trip plans to Michigan are coming along nicely. Synoptic is making plans from his end, I'm making plans from mine. And I really hope that the sparks I kept myself from feeling in his presence, are there when we meet again.
Last night I went to church for the first time since the breakup. The pastor is okay and the church was okay (although they angered me when they acted all cliquish and the people were a little less Oklahoma-nice and a little more California-better'n you.
I was surprised also to receive a phone-call last night from Kilo. He asked what I was up to and when I said that church was my hot Saturday night date.... he asked if he could join me! Now *that's* awesome!
Brawny did not call... not that I expected him to, but he could have emailed. We talked Friday night and he mentioned calling on Monday and getting together. But I can't hold off my entire weekend. Perhaps I should not be available... Now now boys... don't get jacked out of shape -- seriously! Women want to know that they count. And YOUR planning ahead can accomplish just that!
MW is now fully entrenched (5 dates in 4 days) with an older, shorter, closer version of me. I'm sure she has more redeeming qualities than that. Namely, that she's less than an hour away, has a pulse, and lives in the city which he so snobbishly adores being a part.... oh, she has the odd-jobs of a college co-ed, and she needs to be "fixed".... So he finds her irrestable.
Once I asked him why he didn't leave me. He said that he didn't think I could stand on my own yet. Um. Thanks. On behalf of all women everywhere: WE DON'T NEED YOUR HELP!
~~~
So my trip plans to Michigan are coming along nicely. Synoptic is making plans from his end, I'm making plans from mine. And I really hope that the sparks I kept myself from feeling in his presence, are there when we meet again.
Saturday, May 27, 2006
No One Saved Me....
There was that time when I was waiting for a White Knight to save me.
No one did.
M.W. once said he was my Don Quixote, but he was the world's D.Q., not mine.
Synoptic once was my Knight. But he needed me to be my own person, whole, before coming to him.
So Dorothy is all alone in her heart, all alone in her own Land of Oz.
No one saved her, and yet she lives.
No one did.
M.W. once said he was my Don Quixote, but he was the world's D.Q., not mine.
Synoptic once was my Knight. But he needed me to be my own person, whole, before coming to him.
So Dorothy is all alone in her heart, all alone in her own Land of Oz.
No one saved her, and yet she lives.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Missing You by John Waite (a.k.a. Bad English)
Every time I think of you
I always catch my breath
And I'm still standing here
And you're miles away
And I'm wondering why you left
And there's a storm that's raging
Through my frozen heart tonight
I hear your name in certain circles
And it always makes me smile
I spend my time
Thinking about you
And it's almost driving me wild
And there's a heart that's
breaking
Down this long distance line tonight
I ain't missing you at all
Since you¹ve been gone
Away I ain't missing you
No matter
What I might say
There's a message
In the wild
And I'm sending you this signal tonight
You don't know
How desperate I've become
And it looks like I'm losing this fight
In your world
I have no meaning
Though I'm trying hard to understand
And it's my heart that's
breaking
Down this long distance line tonight
I ain't missing you at all
Since you've been gone
AwayI ain't missing you
No matter
What my friends say
And there's a message that I'm sending out
Like a telegraph to your soul
And if I can't bridge this distance
Stop this heartbreak overload
I ain't missing you at all
Since you've been gone
AwayI ain't missing you
No matter
What my friends say
I ain't missing you
I ain't missing you
I keep lying to myself
MW.... I ain't missing you
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Three Strikes? Well... he already has two....
And I haven't even met him yet!!!
Brawny cancelled our date for tonight. In 8 minutes, I was supposed to be shaking his hand at a restaurant.... and he cancelled. Of course we're rescheduled for tomorrow... but that isn't the point.
When he said he was going to call, he didn't. The 2nd time he was going to call, he was an hour late. And he cancelled our first date. I'm totally feeling chemistry there... but it's doubtful that he would ever make any time for me at all (do we hear echos of M.W. jading my heart, or is this for real?)
Dot.
Brawny cancelled our date for tonight. In 8 minutes, I was supposed to be shaking his hand at a restaurant.... and he cancelled. Of course we're rescheduled for tomorrow... but that isn't the point.
When he said he was going to call, he didn't. The 2nd time he was going to call, he was an hour late. And he cancelled our first date. I'm totally feeling chemistry there... but it's doubtful that he would ever make any time for me at all (do we hear echos of M.W. jading my heart, or is this for real?)
Dot.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
The Surest Way to Know (if you're affected)
So I remember way back when I dated before... I looked the guy in the eyes and in a split second, could make the decision "Yeah I could" or "No I couldn't". But I don't remember savoring the very having been asked out on a date.
The endless recollections of thousands of romantic dates can not top the floating-on-air feeling of not being in love, but wondering if you might be, in a few days.
Ahhh, love. Men, hearts, flowers, chocolates. What a racket.
Me Lovey.
Peace,
Dot
P.S. The Brawny Man is taking me out tomorrow. I can't stop laughing; we are meeting at 4:15.
The endless recollections of thousands of romantic dates can not top the floating-on-air feeling of not being in love, but wondering if you might be, in a few days.
Ahhh, love. Men, hearts, flowers, chocolates. What a racket.
Me Lovey.
Peace,
Dot
P.S. The Brawny Man is taking me out tomorrow. I can't stop laughing; we are meeting at 4:15.
Monday, May 22, 2006
My Surreal Life
I had a very rough weekend, emotionally speaking. Judging by my past posts, I'm sure you'll agree. For some insane reason, it was in my head that M.W. should get back together with me.
Of course I miss him. Miss the good times. Grrrrr. Dang it. So I asked him if there was a chance. He said he "couldn't rule it out" and that's when I lost it. I told him that if there wasn't a chance in the next month, then to kick my butt, tell me to shut up, and that it's over. And I asked him to remind me that every chance that he got!
Then we started talking about our dating woes. I finally decided to ask Kilo to stop calling me. He's a wonderful [boy] man, but there's no spark of love. Physical chemistry, check. Friendship, check. Emotional desire, nope. But I'm glad to have known him and hope that we'll remain friends. Hard to know where to cut it off sometimes.
M.W. named off three people that he wanted to give my number to, including the brother of his daughter-in-law! LOL.... The Music Snob was someone that M.W. was always jealous of my time with, at family gatherings. Aidan the singer is attached but single. My heart fluttered the first time I saw him. Sigh. And of course, the brother of our friend, who is insanely shy.
I can't think of anyone to set him up, since he's preying and prowling like a tom-cat at the moment. I kind of laugh, because the effort he is putting into this, is way way way more than he would have had to exert, to keep me in his life. C'est la vie....
Oh... been chatting with a man online who looks like the Brawny guy. Check it out:
Of course I miss him. Miss the good times. Grrrrr. Dang it. So I asked him if there was a chance. He said he "couldn't rule it out" and that's when I lost it. I told him that if there wasn't a chance in the next month, then to kick my butt, tell me to shut up, and that it's over. And I asked him to remind me that every chance that he got!
Then we started talking about our dating woes. I finally decided to ask Kilo to stop calling me. He's a wonderful [boy] man, but there's no spark of love. Physical chemistry, check. Friendship, check. Emotional desire, nope. But I'm glad to have known him and hope that we'll remain friends. Hard to know where to cut it off sometimes.
M.W. named off three people that he wanted to give my number to, including the brother of his daughter-in-law! LOL.... The Music Snob was someone that M.W. was always jealous of my time with, at family gatherings. Aidan the singer is attached but single. My heart fluttered the first time I saw him. Sigh. And of course, the brother of our friend, who is insanely shy.
I can't think of anyone to set him up, since he's preying and prowling like a tom-cat at the moment. I kind of laugh, because the effort he is putting into this, is way way way more than he would have had to exert, to keep me in his life. C'est la vie....
Oh... been chatting with a man online who looks like the Brawny guy. Check it out:
So we'll see how that goes. He sent pictures of himself and his son, and of his house... way to romance a girl, eh? I'm sure I've already scared him off already...
Friday, May 19, 2006
Did I just go nuts?
Someone please stop me from harming myself?
Anyone who's been through a break-up knows how I feel.
You want to move on.
You want to go back and fix it.
You still love them for the good stuff.
You start to hate them for making you doubt yourself.
You start to move on.
You keep tripping up.
You keep loving them.
Your love starts to fade one day.
Another day, you realize that you've moved on and it makes a sad - spot on your heart because there was a time when you would have sacrificed everything -- including your dignity -- to make things good again.
I want my life to seem good again.
Anyone who's been through a break-up knows how I feel.
You want to move on.
You want to go back and fix it.
You still love them for the good stuff.
You start to hate them for making you doubt yourself.
You start to move on.
You keep tripping up.
You keep loving them.
Your love starts to fade one day.
Another day, you realize that you've moved on and it makes a sad - spot on your heart because there was a time when you would have sacrificed everything -- including your dignity -- to make things good again.
I want my life to seem good again.
To Hell with Honesty.... right?
Yah... so I'm morose this morning because I miss M.W. and realized that there is no one on the planet that I can talk to like him. Yes, if you must know... I'm trying to get on with my life, but I still love him.
And then he finally... after ALL THIS TIME tells me that the reason there was distance between, essentially THE reason he stopped participating in us, is that he could not trust me. Um... Know what?
No one gets to crab and crow about bad things in their relationship if they just "Go Along to Get Along". That's never the kind of think I thought we had going (I thought it was honesty). Now my trust is being called into question.
I freely admit that I made mistakes. But I was under the impression that forgiveness had been granted. M.W. IF YOU COULD NOT FORGIVE AND COULD NOT FORGET... WHY DID YOU NOT JUST BREAK UP WITH ME AND SPARE ME THE PAIN OF THINKING YOU PULLED AWAY BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T CARE?
I miss him. I want to move forward, and I still want to go back and make it work. I don't know what I want. (Dorothy fades away to quietly cry in the corner).
Sorry Pooky. I still love you.
And then he finally... after ALL THIS TIME tells me that the reason there was distance between, essentially THE reason he stopped participating in us, is that he could not trust me. Um... Know what?
No one gets to crab and crow about bad things in their relationship if they just "Go Along to Get Along". That's never the kind of think I thought we had going (I thought it was honesty). Now my trust is being called into question.
I freely admit that I made mistakes. But I was under the impression that forgiveness had been granted. M.W. IF YOU COULD NOT FORGIVE AND COULD NOT FORGET... WHY DID YOU NOT JUST BREAK UP WITH ME AND SPARE ME THE PAIN OF THINKING YOU PULLED AWAY BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T CARE?
I miss him. I want to move forward, and I still want to go back and make it work. I don't know what I want. (Dorothy fades away to quietly cry in the corner).
Sorry Pooky. I still love you.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Mulligan Life???
I've said it before and I'll say it again: "What did I ever do to deserve this goodness???"
Let's re-wind the clock by 6 years. A dear sweet man, my age yet, single, smart and the perfect amount of athlete/nerd, befriended me. A crush developed and my warped little mind somehow wrapped (quite inappropriately) around the idea that a "white knight" was going to save me from my rotten marriage.
When we first met, Synoptic was worried about me and told me that he didn't think I could make it out of my marriage in one piece. He said that he would wait for me anyways... even if it took the rest of his life, he would stand by me as a friend and supporter.
M. W. was so bitter over my long and tortured friendship with Synoptic. But in the 2 years that we dated, with an additional year of close friendship, I never pursued Synoptic. Sure, I made some suspect actions... I even told M.W. of my feelings toward the aforementioned German in a rare moment of complete truth (ladies, no matter what your guy says... don't tell him everything! It'll come back to haunt you!). And damn! Did I pay the price for that in the end. M.W. demanded that I cut off my friendship with Synoptic.
Okay... do I did. Kinda. M.W. forced me into a don't ask-don't tell situation where I couldn't even utter his name without wrath. He told me it was really irksome to him and made him question my judgment. Fine. Question me. M.W: I never ever even considered cheating on you. And you know what? You alleged that I was your soulmate but you never vowed to stand by me through thick and thin for my whole life!!!
So whether or not there is a relationship ready to kindle with Synoptic, a friendship ready to move ahead, or two best friends spending a weekend biking together....... I get to find out. We're going on a trip when I'm back in Michigan.
My heart has always loved his heart.... even though neither has ever spoken the truth of the soul. We're meeting and I'm feeling like I was just freed! And......
I JUST GOT A MULLIGAN.. LA LA LA LA LA LA LA .....!
Let's re-wind the clock by 6 years. A dear sweet man, my age yet, single, smart and the perfect amount of athlete/nerd, befriended me. A crush developed and my warped little mind somehow wrapped (quite inappropriately) around the idea that a "white knight" was going to save me from my rotten marriage.
When we first met, Synoptic was worried about me and told me that he didn't think I could make it out of my marriage in one piece. He said that he would wait for me anyways... even if it took the rest of his life, he would stand by me as a friend and supporter.
M. W. was so bitter over my long and tortured friendship with Synoptic. But in the 2 years that we dated, with an additional year of close friendship, I never pursued Synoptic. Sure, I made some suspect actions... I even told M.W. of my feelings toward the aforementioned German in a rare moment of complete truth (ladies, no matter what your guy says... don't tell him everything! It'll come back to haunt you!). And damn! Did I pay the price for that in the end. M.W. demanded that I cut off my friendship with Synoptic.
Okay... do I did. Kinda. M.W. forced me into a don't ask-don't tell situation where I couldn't even utter his name without wrath. He told me it was really irksome to him and made him question my judgment. Fine. Question me. M.W: I never ever even considered cheating on you. And you know what? You alleged that I was your soulmate but you never vowed to stand by me through thick and thin for my whole life!!!
So whether or not there is a relationship ready to kindle with Synoptic, a friendship ready to move ahead, or two best friends spending a weekend biking together....... I get to find out. We're going on a trip when I'm back in Michigan.
My heart has always loved his heart.... even though neither has ever spoken the truth of the soul. We're meeting and I'm feeling like I was just freed! And......
I JUST GOT A MULLIGAN.. LA LA LA LA LA LA LA .....!
Monday, May 15, 2006
Radicchio huh?
I'm eating a mesculin salad for lunch. On top it has cottage cheese, tomato, shredded cheese, sliced and diced turkey, salt-n-pepa, and jumbo cashews. There is radicchio in the salad and it reminded me of one of my first days in the office....
(enter the way back maschine)....
At lunch, at the local brewpub.
"Mr. Right": Mmmm.... tastes like there's radicchio on my sandwich
3rd Musketeer: Yes, I can't remember the last time I ate radicchio on a sandwich.
"Mr. Right": Kind of nutty.... a little spicy. Yum.
3rd. Musketeer: You know... I really like radicchio.
(exit way back maschine).....
Seriously folks... can you imagine two men having that conversation at lunch, with 3 other men and 1 woman (me)? I mean really! I didn't even know for sure what radicchio was until they pointed it out as the spidery looking leafy job that comes in your mesculin!
So I saw the radicchio (I keep making the typo "radicchip") and felt moved to rant.
Thankyew.....
(enter the way back maschine)....
At lunch, at the local brewpub.
"Mr. Right": Mmmm.... tastes like there's radicchio on my sandwich
3rd Musketeer: Yes, I can't remember the last time I ate radicchio on a sandwich.
"Mr. Right": Kind of nutty.... a little spicy. Yum.
3rd. Musketeer: You know... I really like radicchio.
(exit way back maschine).....
Seriously folks... can you imagine two men having that conversation at lunch, with 3 other men and 1 woman (me)? I mean really! I didn't even know for sure what radicchio was until they pointed it out as the spidery looking leafy job that comes in your mesculin!
So I saw the radicchio (I keep making the typo "radicchip") and felt moved to rant.
Thankyew.....
300 Km/H.... With my hair on Fire!!!
Kilo ... oh Kilo... wherefore art thou Kilo? What man of <21 has such a right to be so intelligent? So romantic? Such a heart-breaker? Likewise, what man hath the right to stake a claim on my heart? The answer? No one. Sadly.
It was a wacky/wild/wonderful weekend. Kilo is a man's man, a romantic, a smarty-pants, and athlete, an artist, and a soldier. He's "full steam ahead" as far as I'm concerned. Unfortunately, I'm left behind on the pier, bags half-packed, head shaking, wondering what the heck just happened??? Huh???
The dude is a charmer. He thinks of everything. Brought three kinds of candy. I didn't even think I told him what kind of flowers I love... but he got them. What is that?? How can he know me? Read me?
I'm totally take aback, because although that kind of uber-attention is unusual to me, I think I liked it. I like Kilo... but unfortunately there's really no spark. Don't get me wrong. If he was 30, and still as not-jaded as he is... I'd do everything I could to try and fall for him (mister romantic-perfect)....
But I can't. Oh so wrong on oh so many levels.
One day when I find someone with that spark... I want him to treat me like Kilo does.
It was a wacky/wild/wonderful weekend. Kilo is a man's man, a romantic, a smarty-pants, and athlete, an artist, and a soldier. He's "full steam ahead" as far as I'm concerned. Unfortunately, I'm left behind on the pier, bags half-packed, head shaking, wondering what the heck just happened??? Huh???
The dude is a charmer. He thinks of everything. Brought three kinds of candy. I didn't even think I told him what kind of flowers I love... but he got them. What is that?? How can he know me? Read me?
I'm totally take aback, because although that kind of uber-attention is unusual to me, I think I liked it. I like Kilo... but unfortunately there's really no spark. Don't get me wrong. If he was 30, and still as not-jaded as he is... I'd do everything I could to try and fall for him (mister romantic-perfect)....
But I can't. Oh so wrong on oh so many levels.
One day when I find someone with that spark... I want him to treat me like Kilo does.
Friday, May 12, 2006
Je t'adore
Sigh.... a man speaking French into my ear. Swoon. Seriously. We're going out tomorrow afternoon. From many posts ago, this is Kilo. Very young, very sweet, and very charming.
Perhaps the best thing about the young and charming, is that they are not yet aware of their charm, and yet it still exudes much like your milk-shake from the local ice-creamery, when the metal sleeve is still in the top of your cup, lest it overflow.
Frankly, I had qualms a couple of weeks ago, regarding my going out with Kilo. He really is so young. But at this point, I know that I'm not ready for serious dates.... not ready for making future plans.
So why not make some friends, have a few laughts, and enjoy a charming young man who speaks my name in French ("Joelle"), and says sweet things that I don't even care what they mean, because they sound so yummy.
Perhaps the best thing about the young and charming, is that they are not yet aware of their charm, and yet it still exudes much like your milk-shake from the local ice-creamery, when the metal sleeve is still in the top of your cup, lest it overflow.
Frankly, I had qualms a couple of weeks ago, regarding my going out with Kilo. He really is so young. But at this point, I know that I'm not ready for serious dates.... not ready for making future plans.
So why not make some friends, have a few laughts, and enjoy a charming young man who speaks my name in French ("Joelle"), and says sweet things that I don't even care what they mean, because they sound so yummy.
Monday, May 08, 2006
To God in Heaven Be the Glory...
(I'm alive cause You're alive)... etc.
Remember what I said a while back about not deserving God's Grace in the form of natural Beauty? Observe my trip to Yosemite this past weekend:
The water from these falls are from snowmelt. Therefore it is just above freezing. If you think about it, evaporational cooling will make the water even cooler than that. I walked up the trail to see the lower fall (not visible here) and was astounded by the cool mist, and the etherial beauty.
People (they must be jerks), actually climb this mountain (El Cap). It's about 4000 feet tall, and the ground level is about 4000 feet above sea-level. So we're talking about some serious oxygen depletion, coupled with a two-day climb up a vertical rock face. They're nuts!
Click to see them larger.
A Rainbow from the Mist Trail
Upper Yosemite Falls
El Capitan
Remember what I said a while back about not deserving God's Grace in the form of natural Beauty? Observe my trip to Yosemite this past weekend:
The water from these falls are from snowmelt. Therefore it is just above freezing. If you think about it, evaporational cooling will make the water even cooler than that. I walked up the trail to see the lower fall (not visible here) and was astounded by the cool mist, and the etherial beauty.
People (they must be jerks), actually climb this mountain (El Cap). It's about 4000 feet tall, and the ground level is about 4000 feet above sea-level. So we're talking about some serious oxygen depletion, coupled with a two-day climb up a vertical rock face. They're nuts!
Click to see them larger.
A Rainbow from the Mist Trail
Upper Yosemite Falls
El Capitan
Monday, May 01, 2006
Daddy's Little Girl
On a trip home from South Carolina one Easter Break (tells you how long ago that was... that we called it that), my mom and sister were in the front seat of the car, and it was the first time my brother didn't come with us. I think I might have been 12 or 13.
Dad and I put the seats down in the back of the car and stretched out to take a nap. I put my arms around his neck and put my head on his chest. I've never forgotten what he said to me "Soon, you'll be too old to lay here in my arms like this. The next person you'll be like this with is your boyfriend."
Of course, at that age, I thought "GROSS!" and was kind of mad at him for saying that. But with the last couple of weeks, I've realized that he saw then what I didn't: he couldn't always be there for what I needed, and it wouldn't always be okay for me to sit on his lap and be his little girl.... But his love has stayed with me.
Yesterday was really hard for me. Weird date, weird interaction with M.W. and I'm really regretting that it didn't work out. And I snuggled into my 4 pillows on the bed and suddenly remembered my daddy.... the thought that occurred to me was of resting my head on Jesus' chest. Just sleeping there like his little girl, nothing would ever happen to me and my dreams would be sweet.
And they were.
Dad and I put the seats down in the back of the car and stretched out to take a nap. I put my arms around his neck and put my head on his chest. I've never forgotten what he said to me "Soon, you'll be too old to lay here in my arms like this. The next person you'll be like this with is your boyfriend."
Of course, at that age, I thought "GROSS!" and was kind of mad at him for saying that. But with the last couple of weeks, I've realized that he saw then what I didn't: he couldn't always be there for what I needed, and it wouldn't always be okay for me to sit on his lap and be his little girl.... But his love has stayed with me.
Yesterday was really hard for me. Weird date, weird interaction with M.W. and I'm really regretting that it didn't work out. And I snuggled into my 4 pillows on the bed and suddenly remembered my daddy.... the thought that occurred to me was of resting my head on Jesus' chest. Just sleeping there like his little girl, nothing would ever happen to me and my dreams would be sweet.
And they were.
That Rainbow Guy
My very first boyfriend was a colourful guy. And why wouldn't I think of him, when his "twin", Rainboy, took me out to a movie last night?
Although I could bemoan the details of the entire date, it goes like this: he's too touchey, talks too much in general, talks too much about his past, about his/"our" future, about things that have gone wrong in his life, about how I'm going to make it better, well... you get the idea.
Know what was weird? Rainboy wanted to hold my hand and I couldn't let him. It seemed too intimate. It seemed too soon to touch the soul of a man who I didn't even know his last name! So as we walked, I put my hand through his arm and we walked.
He asked me for a second date and I agreed.. but only to give him a "second chance", since our first one was a late movie.
So far the score goes like this: Prince Charming: 0, Frogs: 2.
Although I could bemoan the details of the entire date, it goes like this: he's too touchey, talks too much in general, talks too much about his past, about his/"our" future, about things that have gone wrong in his life, about how I'm going to make it better, well... you get the idea.
Know what was weird? Rainboy wanted to hold my hand and I couldn't let him. It seemed too intimate. It seemed too soon to touch the soul of a man who I didn't even know his last name! So as we walked, I put my hand through his arm and we walked.
He asked me for a second date and I agreed.. but only to give him a "second chance", since our first one was a late movie.
So far the score goes like this: Prince Charming: 0, Frogs: 2.
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