Beer Time and Drug Memories...

A few years back, I had a surgery on my leg. I'm a cancer surviver. Melanoma. It was a great testament to my faith, as well as courage. Little did I know that then. I was just so stubborn, I didn't even consider giving up on life. Meanwhile, I thought I was happy in my life. Well, at least I was trying to be happy in my life.

After the surgery, I was pretty drugged up for a few months because of the pain. But every once in a while... the memories come bubbling back through. At a time when I remember being "happiest" with my ex... I also remember flirting with this guy who was in my class. At a time when I could not even walk without crutches and I could not even bathe myself, I was acting like I had zero regard for my familial obligations.

Looking back now... it's understandable that my misery in the marriage would be at least 3 years until discovery and 5 from freedom. But that's no excuse for my actions. I'm so ashamed of myself. Even though I know my ex will never know the extent to which I showed him contempt and disrespect... the extent that I was thinking only of myself and my own pleasure, and of no one else.... I sit here feeling like I actually crossed the line that I vowed (and succeded) to never cross.

It's sickening to realize that the line was crossed mentally. While I sit in judgment of others who were not physically strong... I realize that my mental weakness was a disgrace to my character. I thought about it... and I thought about it a lot.

There will never be a point when forgiveness is mine. Sure, God can forgive me... but I'm not sure that I can. You know, I've changed. I've improved me 110% from where I was. There is no way I would even go there in my mind again, as I seek to find a relationship that fulfills all of the things I want in life. But there is no way I can ever forget how empty my life was when I acted against the man I was married to (even one whom I grew to hate). It was a bond I violated, and no one ever knew... no one at all because I never told anyone.

But the full value of the statement "a sin of the heart" comes to mind.

Hmmm. Not sure why, this morning. But I can say for certain that I won't ever let it go downhill that far again; if my relationship is not fulfilling to me, I'd sooner end it than stay together for appearances.

So much for my drug memories. I hate when I think of stuff like this. It drags my whole day down and now I'm depressed.

It's beer time.