Yes, I'm watching the Jack Nicholson movie by the same name... right now. And it makes me cry. A very cute movie, it reminds me of me. Strong woman who is afraid to love again. She keeps crying and writing. Reminds me of the only way I could post a vehement blog ten months ago.
Things are so much calmer than a year ago. And yet my head now feels as though it would explode on me. School, doctors visits, and taking my man to meet the fam. I'm forgetting things and not caring about it. And it worries me. My neck hurts and I'm afraid of being alone. And I'm afraid of being alone and being sick. Afraid of my depression and afraid that I will cry always, if I am not on meds. And afraid that Mister Wonderful will stop loving me because he also does not understand that my depression is something that I can't help, simply by bucking up and getting a more positive attitude.
Postive attitude has nothing to do with it: when I was a kid, my mom was always afraid that we kids would harm ourselves because we were sad about life. Heck.... I love life. So much adventure! So why can't I feel like it sometimes? I get so tired of pretending that everything is fine. And I guess I feel fine on these meds. But it scares M.W. sometimes, that I'm going to be one of those weird women who go crazy and hold their family hostage. It breaks my heart. I want to be normal and well adjusted! Still passionate and normal!
My mind is scattered and I'm on overnights. Not a great way to end a term. Say a prayer for my health, my rest, and my grades! And my bills. Gotta pay 'em, ya know.
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