Something's Gotta Give...

Yes, I'm watching the Jack Nicholson movie by the same name... right now. And it makes me cry. A very cute movie, it reminds me of me. Strong woman who is afraid to love again. She keeps crying and writing. Reminds me of the only way I could post a vehement blog ten months ago.

Things are so much calmer than a year ago. And yet my head now feels as though it would explode on me. School, doctors visits, and taking my man to meet the fam. I'm forgetting things and not caring about it. And it worries me. My neck hurts and I'm afraid of being alone. And I'm afraid of being alone and being sick. Afraid of my depression and afraid that I will cry always, if I am not on meds. And afraid that Mister Wonderful will stop loving me because he also does not understand that my depression is something that I can't help, simply by bucking up and getting a more positive attitude.

Postive attitude has nothing to do with it: when I was a kid, my mom was always afraid that we kids would harm ourselves because we were sad about life. Heck.... I love life. So much adventure! So why can't I feel like it sometimes? I get so tired of pretending that everything is fine. And I guess I feel fine on these meds. But it scares M.W. sometimes, that I'm going to be one of those weird women who go crazy and hold their family hostage. It breaks my heart. I want to be normal and well adjusted! Still passionate and normal!

My mind is scattered and I'm on overnights. Not a great way to end a term. Say a prayer for my health, my rest, and my grades! And my bills. Gotta pay 'em, ya know.

Both Sides Now

I made my first web-page in 1998. The very first thing I put on it was these lyrics.

By Joni Mitchell...

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere,
I've looked at clouds that way.
But now they only block the sun,
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done,
But clouds got in my way.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It's cloud's illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and ferris wheels,
The dizzy dancing way that you feel
As every fairy tale comes real,
I've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show,
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know,
Don't give yourself away.

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud,
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds,
I've looked at life that way.
Oh but now old friends they're acting strange,
They shake their heads,
they say I've changed
Well something's lost,
but something's gained
In living every day.

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

I've seen better days.. then the bottom drops out...

Yee-haw folks! Just learned my job's in jeopardy! Not the Ken Jennings type, either. :( No, we lost a contract. And it was our only contract. Not that I'm out of a job right now.. but I could be by the beginning of the year.

Which... brings me to a whole new set of issues: should I look for work? Should I see what happens here first? I gotta be honest -- I've been wanting to move to California for some time. Since Mister Wonderful lives there and we are in love... wouldn't that be ideal? It all works out right? Not when both parties are protecting themselves from being hurt by their ex's.

There's got to be a place where we can go back and find enough trust in ourselves to take a chance on the future -- we are both standing here (figuratively) and yelling (with our hearts) about our undying love, how we are not going to give up on the other (yet)... and still there is no compromise. A long-standing gripe I have, is that the person of no action wins, when there is a question "whether or not?" The answer, by default... is always not. Unless both parties agree.

When I learned this afternoon that I might not be here forever... I was jumping for joy. My dream was finally coming true and I could leave Oklahoma for the land of my dreams! But by the time I finished explaining the sitch to M.W... I wondered if we would be parting ways soon? Granted, I appreciate that he thinks highly of my career. But does he think that highly of me? It can't be helped... the thought that if I put my career ahead of him, then it stays ahead of him. I am a mobile girl for the time being, but I want to settle down a.s.a.p. Moving to the east coast for a year or two or three sounds more like a set-back or a pre-break-up move. Definitely not something one would do, if they were in love with you.

So I'm not looking for work farther than 2 hours drive from M.W. and that's that! Either I work locally, or I stay put. I'm in love with the guy and when it comes down to it... if he loves me too, then he'll figure it out before I get too sad or too tired to wait for him to make up his mind. And if he doesn't figure it out... then he'll be all alone and (much as I hate to say it) I'll move on.

Geez, I totally bummed me out. I love the lug. Just hope he realizes it, too.

Buzz a Buzz Buzz Buzz Buzz Buzzzzzzz zzzz!

Hate to admit that I began taking chemical neural stimulants in the form of anti-depressants. But I did. Started out a week ago, with little tension headaches and talking really fast and not sleeping. By yesterday, got used to it and slept okay without jittering my legs and stuff. Sick today and sleeping most of it. Now it's 1:30 AM and I couldn't sleep if I wanted to. The fast-talkin' is back, as is the leg-jimmying and the tension headaches. Sneezing that won't end, and my feet are too hot.

Feel like I need to turn off a switch or soemthing -- CALM THE HECK DOWN, GRRL!

zzzz!

It gives me pause...

1) That a number of the President's cabinet members have resigned. Like, don't they have faith? Don't they even believe that the President can successfully navigate a second term?

2) That Nicollette Sheridan and Anna Nicole Smith were completely and totally toasted during the AMA's the other night. Have they no shame? Wasn't there someone attempting to screen out the drunks and addicts? It's embarassing.

3) That I can be so completely enraptured by a man who I've only seen in person, about 30 times. C'mon... wouldn't that give you pause too?

However, for the past 18 months, we've chatted on the phone, on average, seven times per day (20-30 minutes each). That's more than most people I know chat with their S.O.'s.

By the way... Awesome to see that Scott Peterson's Jury came back with a conviction against the man. What a freakin' disgrace of him! It just makes you shake your head in shame.

Interpretive Dance

There was a point in my youth, when I did everything with purpose. Where I placed my feet when I walked, how many sips I took out of the water fountain. Not that I haven't, at times, considered the entire sitch a bit obsessive-compulsive.... But in reality, I wanted to do everything with a purpose.

These days, I realize that purpose is called God's will in my life. But then... my age was 13 and Daddy taught us to not be afraid of superstitions. Still, I was. So everything I did -- Everything -- was in multiples of thirteen. (I can't believe I just confessed that, but I did so live with it!). Imagine how debilitating that would be to a girl who was gawky, too tall, a little chubby, and infinitely unpopular? Everything about me shouted GEEK. Even my twinbie thought I was a geek. And not a smart one.

(As a curious aside to anyone who wonders how and why I push myself so hard to succeed? On account of because of the childhood of ruthless fun-makers of whose jokes I seemed, always, to be the butt. Look at where they are now. And look at me. Heh.).

So I was thinking how much I wanted my life to mean something by my movements, and how pi$$ed off I was, because Momma didn't enroll me in ballet classes. I could've been a ballerina! I just know it!

Like a virgin?
Try Ninja. There were times that I would place my hands in ways that were quite ninja-like as I walked down the lane at Mom's and Dad's farm. The height of cool looking purposeful movement of my youth. What about now? Well, about 5 years ago, Gene Roddenberry's Earth: Final Conflict. The way they navigated their ships. I ache. I ACHE with yearning to be that pilot!

The moral of the story is that it's important to have your movements be meaningful. There was a time not so long ago when I was loath to move. I was a big fat slob and I knew it. Now I move because I am running from something -- being unhealthy and being unhappy and being fat and having heart disease.

So the next time someone tells me that they only run when something is chasing them... try picturing the grim reaper with your death at hand. That's what will happen if you don't take care of the bod that God gave ya!

Anyways, the point is that inasmuch as I despise interpretive dance... I probably am an interpretive dancer, deep down in my heart.

Rant.

Oh nevermind. I just don't have it in me today...

Get your freak-on.. OFF!

Mister Wunderbar is on his way here in one week. Just a visit.

He sent me an e-card the other day quoting the book of Ruth, chapter 1 verse 16: "Where you go I will go and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God." It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It made me burst with happiness. I felt full.

Things are not so easy or fuzzy today and I know its that "one week freak-out" that we always go thru... Exactly one week before we see eachother. Now that's not true: we used to freak out a few weeks before meeting. Then a couple of weeks. Now it's down to one week. But why the freak-out? It's like "I love ya honey, but I just can't smile"... Remember that? The childhood game, I mean. I love you honey... but I just can't smile.

I was thinking... never let 'em see you sweat... but that's just not me. I need to be needed just as much as I need. And love? Don't even get me started. I have enough love to do it all by myself. But it doesn't work that way. It takes two.

My hope is that one day the one week freak will whittle down to a few hour freak -- preferably after one of us has already boarded the plane. And then who knows? Perhaps we'll just get giddy before we drive home from work only to find the other one already there waiting with a smile.

Until then I have to pretend to be as cool as ice without letting it break my heart.