Failed Attempts

If therapy has shown me anything, it’s not to regret the past, but to find good in all of it… even in failed attempts (The Justin Ferrin Song,by the same name, is a fave of mine).

Nelson was very funny. He had a sense of humor and tried to do right. He gobbled up the Bible and even though his sense of leadership was woefully misguided, he wanted to do well.

His curls were legendary and his twitching lip was precious. I liked his feet, and legs. He liked mint body-wash and that was cute, too.

We always thought the world was so small, so limiting, but we were trying to be happy – even amidst a wreck of a home and a mess. He did try to provide for me, even through his foolish attempts to appease what he thought I wanted.

I loved Nelson with my whole heart and his mental illness coupled with the violence he learned over the years, smashed and splintered what was left of our decade-long marriage. One of my saddest regrets is that I was trying to make it work and he wouldn’t get help so he could try too.

There is a part of me that will always always always love what I thought we shared together. He had a beautiful heart when it wasn’t messed up and psycho.

And now I know…. Nel’s lack of following his dreams for fear of being unsuccessful and my lack of support is what I learned – that the thing I’ve been doing all along – following my childhood dreams is what makes me happiest!

Mister Wonderful, on the other hand, showed me more passion in 3 years, than I’d felt in the previous 30… with the possible exception of a high-school boyfriend that I loved, but who the timing was all wrong, with. Our infatuation for one another grew to an ardor that I could scarcely explain in words. In my whole life – let alone in my 30s (not my teens) – never did I expect to be so powerful with feeling toward a single man.

Since we fell in love over the phone (his company was a client of mine), there was absolutely no physical attraction. We didn’t even meet for nearly a year. When asked by my sister what I saw in him, I said that we respected each other.

Yes, it’s true; I never said passion. We had a mutual love for our shared field of study… even a few other things. It lasted for 3 years but fell apart very quickly when it became apparent there was no common goals for the future.


Othello is the love that never should’ve been. When I decided to advertise on Match.com for a boyfriend, I said that I was looking for a friend first. Well I found a friend. We were involved for 10 months of which most was semi-miserable, but it kept me from being lonely.

The last six months we dated, we learned how to be friends. It broke my heart when we broke up, because although we were both very wrong for one another, if I hadn’t required that he be in love with me, we would have married and had kids. Because why? Because he was stable.

He taught me what it was to be normal, and that normal could be really satisfying. He often said “you deserve to be happy” or “you are a good person”. In retrospect, settling for him would have been the only mistake bigger than my marrying Nel.

The truth is that Othello ended up being both boring and passive-aggressive, with a total and complete lack of intimacy. But I was still settling down from the anger after my divorce, and it worked out nicely to have a dose of passion, and then stability before meeting the love of my life.

If this post were a musical, I'd now break into a chorus of "A Whole New World" from the musical cartoon movie, Aladdin.


Cuz now I'm in a whole new world with you....


Yeah... LaMar... woot. I'm finally feeling like letting all of that stuff go.

Dot.

P.S. After ruminating on this post for the weekend, I'm feeling really good about where things are going with LaMar. It upsets my mom that I change the names of all of the people on this blog, in order to protect the identity of the innocent... but LaMar is an amazing man and anyone who knows me in life, knows who he really is. No secrets there!

I am Yours

Jayleigh wrote a post about my trip with LaMar to Chicago this week.

You know she's right. The only thing to fear is fear itself. Because God is watching out for me.

Heavenly Father,

thank you for never letting me go,
never letting me down,
always lifting me up,
always helping me out

thank you for your love,
for my capacity to love,
for my family's love,
and LaMar's love for me

I ask that you watch over us,
that you stand beside us
keep your hand on us at all times
and clear a path of safety for us in an otherwise dangerous world

Please keep us safe, Lord,
Please let us be a beacon unto you,
Please take away our fears - my fear
Please take away our anxieties

God, I ask that you fill us with your love
fill us with the burning desire to do your will
fill up with hope for the future
and never let the fear return.

In Jesus' name I pray...

I'm Always Yours, Dorothy

The facts remain: I couldn't get the weekend tickets, or the Friday flight for a reason. We're gonna be alright and I need to stop worrying right now.

Mere Words?

My darling LaMar is a man of many, many words. Yet he told his mother (on Mother's Day... sitting right next to me), that I, Dorothy, am "The One".

Sigh.

We talk a lot. A. Freaking. LOT. Sometimes it's contentious. Sometimes we're a little bickery. But our communication is second to none, and I'm in love.

We're going to meet my family in Chicago in July. What a day that will be, eh? I'm really happy and excited!

The Sad Little Birthday part II: A Sad Little Party

It was sushi. On a Monday night. With 5 women, two of whom he dated, two more who he wanted at one point or another, and one friend from h.s. who is about the most annoying woman on the planet (think: aggressive, self-important real estate agent). All of the guys canceled.

We had fun. I was the only one who knew any of them. These ladies had never actually met one another. Isn't that strange?

Anyhoo... Othello dropped in and we walked a couple of miles after returning home. Then ice cream. It made me sad because he was so great at making my birthday awesome last year (as I made his), even though there were bad problems in the relationship.

So by 10:00, he was all alone, at home. Lying in the bed that he made for himself.


Not that it needs to be spoken, but I was in my bed, all alone, as well.

Hillary Clinton Needs a Reality Check

I'm not sure why she keeps saying that same thing about Obama. But here are the facts:

1) She disenfranchises the "ordinary" Americans whom she pledges to be so "in touch" with, because of her nonsensical lies, her liar husband, and condescension.

2) She criticized Obama for his association with Rev. Jeremiah Wright, when she well knew that when she and her philandering husband were going through tough times... Wright was the person they called in to counsel them!!!

Clinton is a band-wagon jumper. She appears to perceive what the public wants to hear, and then says it, regardless of what she's really going to do. And can you imagine listening to that voice for 4-8 years? OMG.... noooooooooooooo!