Forcing the Issue: My Soliloquy to Survivors

Upon reading this article today, I am reminded of an ugly part of my past. Go on, skim the article... I am not as concerned about the fashion designer, as to what he allegedly did to those women and girls.

It is most upsetting, as a rape survivor, because I hate when people are systematically abused and society keeps letting them off the hook because of who they are... or worse yet... who you are... or the very worst... you are afraid to even speak up because you fear that no one would believe you.

The thing that I didn't know at age 15, was that when someone abuses you in that manner, it is ingrained into the way your mind works. Those are your formative years... the time when you are learning about yourself, the world and your body... you are deciding what you think is sexy, what you think is hot and how you like being treated not only in a dating relationship, but in a physical relationship and ultimately, marriage.

That was more than half my life ago! And yet sometimes I feel the pain like it happened yesterday. After a failed marriage with a man who turned violent... after a failed relationship with someone very controlling... after 6 months of singledom that felt like an eternity... 8 months into one of the first truly healthy relationships I've shared in my life... I'm starting to take the wind out of the sails that haunted me all these years.

No, I'm over being angry. It's just those things that get ingrained. The momentary thought that you'd actually like to be treated violently.... the fleeting recollection of pain mingled with the slightest amount of... what? Pleasure? Surely you jest. But anyone who has been through this knows what I'm talking about.

The longer time it's been since this terrible thing happened, the more I question whether I fought hard enough... should I have told someone? (of course I should have)... and... did I... like it?

I DID NOT LIKE IT. No one would. Yet the battle rages on until the wind dies down and I can hear my tiny voice clearly saying "No."

-Dot.

P.S. Intense therapy and drugs for depression were also needed to quiet my storm. I encourage anyone who's been treated violently, to seek professional help. Every day is a struggle at first, but then we learn to live and ultimately to love (ourselves - loving others is not really the problem).