The Russian Part II

What is it with me meeting men obsessed with Russia, lately? Well this guy is not obsessed. He is Russian.

We met online. Then ran into eachother - literally - at the farmer's market this past Wednesday. Being the uber-nerd that I am... never even occurred to me that I should speak to him. Went back inside and emailed him. He emailed me too! Haha...

Today we met for coffee. Sunday we are going for a bike ride. The new Russian is so much better. But... I'm unsettled: he looks like Nelson, my ex.

Inconveniently.... the Truth

I can't begin to tell you how much I don't care for Al Gore. Anyone who knows me, knows this. But as an atmospheric scientist charged by the State of California to become an "expert" in Global Climate Change.... I'm gonna go see the movie this weekend.

One thing I don't like about politicians is that they overstate things to the point where scientists do not want to support them because it's just plain bad science! Even if the science WAS good, bureaucrats (sp?) have the tendancy to bend and flex and mould the truth to their own agenda.

That's not to say that Al Gore's movie is good or bad or indifferent. In fact, I'm going to see it first hand. One of my most trusted mentors, who also happens to be M.W. (see girls, what happens when you date people in your field of expertise? The former love of your life still remains your mentor. Bleh. I feel like Alannis Morrissette all of a sudden!) though.... a barn-burning tree hugger (you know what I mean. He's a tree hugging tree hugger!) thought that the movie was overstated. That's a HUGE admission from M.W. ... Because he never admits anything ....

Anyways. Recycle your paper and plastics. Reduce your post-consumer waste. Re-use your little plastic butter dishes for cat-food. And most of all... try to stop using your Aussie Sprunch Spray in a can.

(Dorothy discreetly tucks her can of said spray under her arm and confidently, if not guiltily walks out of the room).

Dot.

I'm actually starting to bore mysef...

Yes, by incessantly going on in my own self-absorbed ways, I'm now bored. My blog was started as a rant when I didn't have anyone to rant to. It is who I've turned to in times of crisis, sadness, elation, and yes, boredom. But this, like life, makes me wonder what is it's purpose?

What is it here for? Well bluntly, whatever I want it to be. What am I here for? An entirely different notion....

I remember back in college, my prof told me never to bother going to grad school - I would just be wasting everyone's time. Now my work is paying me to go back to school, get a PhD and they're all rootin' for me to save the planet from ourselves.

Someone I work with, the King, is so militant about recycling, he gets royally (pun) peeved when people don't recycle their desk-calendar pages, sticky notes, and even used paper coffee cups. It was quite clever that, when we were talking about another coworker, Elf, trying for another bambino with his wife, the King asked how many kids I wanted. My answer? The ultimate in recycling: adoption.

If I'm not married in two years, if there are no prospects, I'm going to adopt anyways, I think.

New Vulnerability, New Hopes

So the Pilot is spending the weekend with his folks - as he usually does. He's trying to catch some air and practice landing his bird; it's still "new" to him and will do no good if he can't land the darn thing! But I invited him over tonight for beers and appetizers on his way home. The pooch, Buhner, is going to be with, too... so it appears that I will be cooking!

In chatting with a neighbor last night, it was noted that I am quite vulnerable these days. Guess it's because I feel it necessary to open up my heart to possibilities, instead of living cold and hard and all alone....

So I'm not sure how to keep my hopes from getting huge and out of countrol. But they are there.... Pilot himself is jaded about dating - in fact on Friday night, he told me that he doesn't date! And I'm wondering where that leaves me?

Where does that lead me? Methinks I'll have to get off my little high-horse and let that boy know I like him.... Although I get the impression that it would not take too much more convincing for him to realize that if he courts a woman that makes him laugh, he would be setting himself up for a lifetime of happiness...

The Smitten Kitten...

Pilot is the best guy I've ever known. Like... in my Life. High moral standards, high level of integrity (on the level of my Papa Bear), and so. darn. funny. It's driving me nuts, waiting for him to ask me out. He is shy. He doesn't want to make a mistake. Pilot does not want to have any more heartaches. Neither does Dorothy.

Last night, I just decided that it would kill me if I went my whole life without going out with him, finding out if anything is there. Pilot is the guy. THE guy. No... no... I'm not in love. Not in lust. Not infatuated, even. But he checks all of the boxes: close to his family, hard working, nice, funny - oh so funny, passionate, caring, sensitive, deep, patient, kind, intelligent, driven, passionate - I repeat myself, chivalrous, strong, moral, ethical... and with a list like that... I'm not really concerned what he looks like! Although Pilot is cute and muscular, too.

And for a change... I'm almost paralyzed by telling how I feel. My Mom and Jayleigh keep telling me not to "screw it up"... not to date others if there's a chance with Pilot... not to be unkind or in any way, allow him to think that I'm not worth every second he spends with me. You know... they may be right...

You all know I've been on a lot of dates since M.W.... Like Choo-choo Charlie, who I was so infatuated by, for the longest time. When Pilot told me about his past heartaches a couple of nights ago, I wanted to share details about Charlie. The situation lended itself last night, and then Pilot said "You poor girl... you must have had a heartache so bad!"... Girls... wouldn't you offer yourself up to fall in love with a guy like that??

Okay let me repeat that I'm not any shade of in love or infatuation with Pilot. It's that beautiful, sweet, candy-like painful time where you're not sure... but you think it's entirely possible that you could fall in love again one day.

Yes yes... Dorothy is one Smitten Kitten. (yay God!)

Summer Vacation Never Looked So Good!

Waking up in the yellow room at my mom's house, filled with sun. The smell of coffee cooking on the stove each morning. Boys calling the house to chat. It was two weeks of bliss! Not boring adult bliss, but the teenager bliss, sans the hormones this time. Ah, happy.

The first week was filled with wedding festivities for my Aunt Laurel, who at the age of 44, was married for the first time. Then I helped Jayleigh with Vacation Bible School. One day at Bible School, the leader had a life-size prop of Jesus on the Cross, in the front, for everone to see. She then handed me a placard that said "SIN" on it... she hung it around my neck. To demonstrate how Jesus died for my sins, I was to take the placard off of my neck, and place it around the neck of our dying Jesus. It was almost too much to bear. I know she did it for the kids, but actively taking part in giving my sin to Jesus...

I didn't get why God would do that for us. The reasoning behind Grace and Mercy still elude me. Well it's because He loves us... but I don't get why He does. Not after the nasty things I pull from time to time. And I'm not even a bad egg.

Fearful of having an uncomfortable confrontation while I was home, going to Mackinac Island seemed a reasonable thing to do. I loved the thought of hanging out with Synoptic... perhaps gazing into eachother's eyes and ... no, no, I can't even say it. The second I no longer needed a man to save me... That was when I no longer looked at Synoptic like he could. He's a friend and that's it. (But you know in the hotel room, I kinda wanted him to kiss me. I just kept looking at him and the longer he stared at the ceiling and didn't profess his undying love, the more my respect and desire for him started to wane).

Upon returning Home to Mom and Dad's house, I was sad that I'd missed the weekend with them. See the following picture after dinner on Monday with dear Jayleigh:

I'm Not Mad Anymore

I, Dorothy am no longer mad about Nelson (my ex), not mad about Choo-choo Charlie, not mad about Synoptic never being my White Knight, nor M.W. being my dream-lover.

I'm not mad that hard work has made Dorothy a Dull Girl, nor that Jayleigh won't travel to see me, or even that she hurt my feelings a lot when we were little.

Neither am I mad that I spend much time alone, have a tiny apartment, am still in debt for college (that I finished 6 years ago), don't own my car yet, or am able to afford fancy dinners and gifts for those I do love.

There is a big difference between letting life happen to you, and choosing to live your life. In the fameous words of my friend, Jose: "Viva tu Vida!"

If I Could....

There is something I've been wanting to say. For a long time, actually. It's been marinating on my brain and just had to settle enough to let it come out on it's own...

Friends used to say that I walked on the edge. "On the Edge" of right and wrong? Guess so. More than once, I was compared to a roller coaster ride. A fun one, but a coaster, none-the-less. Those who knew me best were envious of my free-spirited lifestyle. Not that I was a wild-child, but that emotionally, I seemed freer than those around me. Not afraid of trying or doing anything.

One friend told me that when the ride was no longer fun, he would get off. But he also said that he didn't anticipate that happening for a long time. Well my dear Synoptic... you'll be happy to know that the ride is now over.

Don't get me wrong - I'm still fun. But it occurred to me that I have been using my relationships as jumping-off points, of my own foundation, taking all the beatings, taking all the batterings, while I flourished seemingly indepentant of it. My head almost aches, thinking of how different my relationships may have been.

Wow. Deep.

Not Sure... Not Sure At All....

What is life supposed to be about? Sometimes I walk with such purpose, and sometimes, I fall down. Am I on the right path? Do I have goodness in my heart? What could be done, in order to ensure that I'm helping the people that I ought to, in life?

Wow, it's been such an emotional couple of weeks, and now I don't have to work for a couple more. My brain needs a rest. Lots of hope for some good times at Home. Get to see Jayleigh, the folks and the rest of the fam. Spending a weekend at Mackinac Island with Synoptic, my very good friend of over 6 years. Biking, hiking, and carousing (as good as two wx-nerds can do).

How often does one have a few free days to examine life before a vacation? It's a strange feeling to not be going off at full speed tonight. No more alarms, no deadlines... just my thoughts and my plans.

Having no S.O. presents a bit of unsettlment in my life. I've always treated that feature as an anchor for my life. A place to stay and stick, and foundation to build. I'm starting to believe that a relationship is not a foundation, not a rock to jump up from... but that we have to have our own foundation, and the relationship is like a knot in a silk scarf - tug-o-war will harm it, you want no losers, and sometimes that means no winners either. In the end, a delicate balance will provide a measure of happiness without damaging the knot too much.

sigh.

dot.

10 Things I Miss About Being a Wife (or even an S.O.); details that would NEVER go into my online dating profile

1. I really liked being a wife. Or being a partner.
2. Cooking dinner for someone who really appreciated it (and moreover, was willing to eat it, even if that's not what he wanted).
3. Being at a party where someone makes a comment that is, unknown to them, a private joke between just the two of you. You exchange that knowing glance and later talk about how funny it was.
4. Knowing his favorite kind of ice cream, whether or not he likes mustard or mustard, favorite junk food, and favorite pop - and making sure it's always on hand for him.
5. Buying clothes for myself that I know he likes on me (NO ladies, I'm not codependent. My thought is this: there's a pretty broad range of things in life that make me happy. So if what makes him happy falls within my range... then it doesn't really hurt me to move in the direction of his likes and dislikes, does it? I mean, if we ALL did that, wouldn't we all get along better?)
6. Ditto for the hairstyle.
7. Not being alone on Saturday nights, Sunday mornings, or ever, when making breakfast.
8. Making mutual vacation plans.
9. Being surprised with flowers, chocolates, or an impromptu weekend trip.
10. Waking up at 3 AM with your ankles intertwined with his. When you turn over to look at him, he is awake and just watching you. Um-hmmm!